"I’m asexual, and this is how I show love to my partner"

[scarletlatitude]

https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/women/im-asexual-and-this-is-how-i-show-love-to-my-partner/

 

iNews

1 May 2018

 

Quote

A lot of people want to know what the difference is between asexual people and sexual people. The reality is there is just one difference: the absence of sexual desire. It doesn’t mean we aren’t romantically attracted to people – intimacy is there, from cuddling up naked to taking care of them when they are sick. It just means we aren’t attracted to anyone’s body.

 

I didn’t have a word for it when I was younger, but I became aware I was a bit different from my classmates when we hit puberty.

 

I’ve always been a romantic, so I had plenty of dreams about getting married and several crushes throughout schools. But sex seemed like a dirty joke. Talking about sex felt like talking about passing gas: everyone did it and it was a bit embarrassing.

 

[Jarle]

The vast majority of the article was hidden unless I did a survey, so I couldn't read it. Maybe someone with an ad blocker would have better luck?

[Guest Falco Peregrinus]

Woof, wall o' text, sorry, that's just how it copied.

 

Here it is, for folks like Jarle who can't see the whole article:

 

A lot of people want to know what the difference is between asexual people and sexual people. The reality is there is just one difference: the absence of sexual desire. It doesn’t mean we aren’t romantically attracted to people – intimacy is there, from cuddling up naked to taking care of them when they are sick. It just means we aren’t attracted to anyone’s body. I didn’t have a word for it when I was younger, but I became aware I was a bit different from my classmates when we hit puberty. I’ve always been a romantic, so I had plenty of dreams about getting married and several crushes throughout schools. But sex seemed like a dirty joke. Talking about sex felt like talking about passing gas: everyone did it and it was a bit embarrassing. I had no idea how to handle it When I turned 16, realising people were being serious about having sex felt like a lightning bolt going through me. I had no idea how to handle the idea of someone wanting sex. That sort of desire had just never occurred to me. ‘Even though I realised I was asexual, I did have sex with people because I was in denial about it’ I don’t think I heard the word ‘asexual’ until I was in university and stumbled across an article about it. The puzzle pieces all just slotted into place. All at once there were other people like me in fulfilling relationships without sex. It was incredible to realise I could be happy and, more importantly, find someone who could love me. But it wasn’t all plain sailing. Even though I realised I was asexual (or Ace as we call it), I did have sex with people because I was in denial about it. I thought maybe I was just a late bloomer and the desire to have sex will kick in eventually. ‘There are some real misconceptions around asexuality – that we’re unfeeling, have a hormone imbalance or maybe we just didn’t have good sex.’ I date women, but finding another asexual person who I’m compatible with is hard because there aren’t that many of us in the world. I usually tell people early on that I’m Ace, and I keep an eye out for our flag’s colours (purple, grey, black). ‘Our version of Netflix and Chill was legitimately just chilling’ My last relationship ended because we wanted different lifestyles – I’m adventurous and happy socialising by myself, while my ex was less happy with me spending time apart from her. But when we were together, it was like any other romantic relationship. We are every bit as romantic There are some real misconceptions around asexuality – that we’re unfeeling, have a hormone imbalance or maybe we just didn’t have good sex. But we are every bit as feeling and romantic. In my last relationship, I loved kisses and hand-holding. My partner and I went for long walks and watched a lot of movies (except our version of Netflix and Chill was legitimately just chilling). ‘In bed, it would all be about cuddling or giving her feet a massage if she was tired after a long day at work’ It is all about small gestures and kindness. Maybe I would do her share of the housework if she was having a bad day or cooking for her. I liked waking up a bit early so I could surprise her with fresh coffee – French pressed, of course. In bed, it would all be about cuddling or giving her feet a massage if she was tired after a long day at work. It’s all the little ways you show how attuned you are to someone and that they are a priority in your life. The intensity of love There are moments of watching them sleep and feeling your heart swell with love and happiness until you feel like it’s going to burst out of your chest. There’s intensity in relationships because there is love and passion. ‘I wonder if they would abandon their partner if they became unable to have sex’ Love, to me, has never been even vaguely related to sex. When people tell me humans can’t have a romantic relationship without sex, I wonder if they would abandon their partner if they became injured and unable to have sex. I think that would be terribly cruel, but apparently it happens. To me, asexuality seems so simple and straightforward. When I’m with someone, being able to show love and affection physically without having the anxiety of “what if they misunderstand and think I want to get in their pants” is so relaxing and freeing. How I feel desire Desire to me might not be sex, but I do feel desire. It’s deeply wanting someone to love me in return. I want to be special to them in a way no one else is. It’s a hotly debated subject in the community, but I don’t think there is a spectrum of how asexual you are. I think there is sexuality as a spectrum, and asexuality sits within that. Some people who are highly sexual may be sexually attracted to anyone they happen to glance at. Some people don’t develop any sexual attraction until certain common conditions are fulfilled. Then there are people like me – no condition or act can make me crave sex with someone. I mean, I’m physically capable of it but mentally I’m just not engaged. ‘An asexual couple might sleep entwined naked and wake up to adoring kisses, or they might sleep fully clothed’ The way to think about asexuality maybe is to think about intent. Kissing someone’s ear isn’t sexual, but it can become sexual if the desire is there. Even kissing someone’s mouth isn’t inherently sexual. Depending on preferences, an asexual couple might sleep entwined naked and wake up to adoring kisses, or they might sleep fully clothed. Either way, there’s just no sexual desire there, and they probably aren’t going to use kissing as a way to involve genitals. I feel like more people need to realise physical affection is not the same as being sexually attracted to someone. Intent matters.

Read more at: https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/women/im-asexual-and-this-is-how-i-show-love-to-my-partner/