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Mary Lambert

Has anyone in an Ace/Allo Relationship ever cheated?

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cbc

Oh for sure it could play a role for some people. That's why it's a good idea to get checked out by a doctor; physical and mental health issues affecting one's interest in sex are far more common than asexuality.

 

I don't deny that for some people it truly does seem to be how they're wired though, without an obvious cause. My husband has had his hormones checked (they were normal), and he's always been quite a healthy guy, physically and mentally. No major problems socialising or anything. No weird background stuff, abuse or negative attitudes or religious upbringing. He's sex-positive and not repulsed. He's just... he lacks whatever it is that makes people innately "get" sex.

 

So yeah, lots of people who claim asexuality (honestly, the majority I'd guess?) have other things going on. Which makes sense. I also think for some it's just who they are, with no discernible reason. 

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SusannaC

My husband has no discernible issues that I know about... interesting though-  my husbands step mother told me once that his father also had no interest in sex after marriage, and it had been MANY years for them as well.   So I also wonder how genetics could play a role.  Regardless, has led to quite a bit of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment in this family.

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Telecaster68

I know some asexuals on here have said they've had their hormone levels checked and found to be normal. I also know 'normal' will vary hugely from person to person, and may well say more about whether the levels might negatively affect their health than about effects on libido etc. 

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ryn2
On 5/3/2018 at 11:46 AM, Telecaster68 said:

I know some asexuals on here have said they've had their hormone levels checked and found to be normal. I also know 'normal' will vary hugely from person to person, and may well say more about whether the levels might negatively affect their health than about effects on libido etc. 

I’ve had mine tested for completely unrelated reasons and everything was within normal limits (not near either end) for my age at the time.

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Mary Lambert
On ‎5‎/‎3‎/‎2018 at 7:25 AM, SusannaC said:

I want to add that in theory, hormonal imbalance could play a significant role... and this person, a health care provider, suggested that it did play a large role for many people.  Doesn’t seem like that’s the only factor involved, but could it play a role?  Would be an interesting study.

Yes people tell me this (hormonal imbalance) all the time and sure its real, but the awkwardness is so strange. It is so hard to explain.

 

On ‎5‎/‎2‎/‎2018 at 1:29 PM, Serran said:

There isn't really a need for him to lose the emotional support if you two split amicably. If you and your spouse can remain friendly, at least as far as parenting your kids, then your kids will not lose much. It'll be an adjustment at first, but as someone who has divorced parents, I would rather my parents be happy than staying together miserable because of me, from an emotional well being standpoint. The kind of guilt kids can feel when they learn their parents were miserable and they were the reason isn't good on them either. 

 

First, of all, many people from divorced families think they turned out ok, but as a parent looking on, it is easy to see what divorce does to the child. No marriage is perfect. So many people live with secrets from each other it isn't even funny. My husband hides so much of his viewing from me, because he knows I would freak out and I do when he tells me or I finally find things out. Even my therapist told me not to share that with my kids.  So lets be real!, Many Ace spouses don't want the divorce either and they get bitter. My husband was mad at me for 18 months and he made decisions about the kids without my input  (something he never normally does), I had divorced him sexually but not legally. How amicably do you think he would be in a real divorce? He would be civil but not warm and not the same. That's not good for kids either.

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Mary Lambert
On ‎5‎/‎3‎/‎2018 at 8:15 AM, SusannaC said:

My husband has no discernible issues that I know about... interesting though-  my husbands step mother told me once that his father also had no interest in sex after marriage, and it had been MANY years for them as well.   So I also wonder how genetics could play a role.  Regardless, has led to quite a bit of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment in this family.

I wonder if my daughter is an Ace.

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SusannaC

Good points.. but i wonder, when are children “old enough” that our own needs matter and become priority?  I’m just asking cause I’m a parent too- but have been told I’m tooo protective.  Sounds like you fear your husband would be vindictive, which is sad.  Mary- you can’t control his responses though- and when will you make your own happiness a priority??  I’m told and I believe kids are resilient, so maybe we worry too much, as mothers?  

What does your husband hide from your viewing, btw?

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Mary Lambert
On ‎5‎/‎4‎/‎2018 at 5:29 PM, SusannaC said:

What does your husband hide from your viewing, btw?

Hey, Susanna, my sister and her husband caught him chatting up and posting his pic in his boxers in gay chat rooms. That was long ago. He recently confessed to porn. I assumed it was gay porn at the time. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
44 minutes ago, Mary Lambert said:

Hey, Susanna, my sister and her husband caught him chatting up and posting his pic in his boxers in gay chat rooms. That was long ago. He recently confessed to porn. I assumed it was gay porn at the time. 

Out of interest, could your husband just be closeted gay instead of asexual?  I'm assuming he wouldn't seek gay sex outside of the marriage if he's very religious etc (or just doesn't want to do that sort of thing due to marriage vows) but I've seen you mention this about him being in gay chat rooms and posting pics etc a few times now. If a straight woman is in a relationship with a gay man it would feel for her as though she's with an asexual because he won't have any attraction  to her, nor any interest in having sex with her. Would he want sex with men if he wasn't with you do you think?

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Mary Lambert
29 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Out of interest, could your husband just be closeted gay instead of asexual?  I'm assuming he wouldn't seek gay sex outside of the marriage if he's very religious etc (or just doesn't want to do that sort of thing due to marriage vows) but I've seen you mention this about him being in gay chat rooms and posting pics etc a few times now. If a straight woman is in a relationship with a gay man it would feel for her as though she's with an asexual because he won't have any attraction  to her, nor any interest in having sex with her. Would he want sex with men if he wasn't with you do you think?

He identifies as Ace/Bi, not sure what that totally means. But he does not like labels. 

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anisotrophic
2 hours ago, Mary Lambert said:

He identifies as Ace/Bi, not sure what that totally means. But he does not like labels. 

My (male) spouse had a relationship with a guy, previously. I'm not sure, but I think exploring "am I homosexual?" happens sometimes... an indifference to sex/gender.

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cbc

Mary, I said it before and I'll say it again: your husband is gay.

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anisotrophic

Broadly speaking, declaring "closeted gay" is a problematic reaction, IMHO.

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Telecaster68

Yeah, broadly. But given Mary's posts, and CBC's history, not here.

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Mary Lambert
12 hours ago, CBC said:

Mary, I said it before and I'll say it again: your husband is gay.

I thought so for many years, but never was able to prove anything. When he said he was Ace/Bi, I thought he was fighting his  gay feelings. But when I stumbled on this site, the other Ace's seemed to think like he thinks. I have never found such a close match to his personality then the other Ace's on this site. But I appreciate your input. Blessings, Mary

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anisotrophic

I kind of wish my spouse were gay! happy to become a guy for him. maybe I will anyway, eventually. :lol:

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Mary Lambert
On ‎5‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 12:43 PM, anisotropic said:

kind of wish my spouse were gay! happy to become a guy for him. maybe I will anyway, eventually. :lol:

Gay seems easier because it is more familiar. This takes you for a loop at first. :) 

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James121
12 hours ago, Mary Lambert said:

Gay seems easier because it is more familiar. This takes you for a loop at first. :) 

Gay = definite divorce (would for me anyway).

 

He could just be using the “I’m a bi/ace but I don’t like labels” as an excuse to keep the convenience of his married life together. There’s plenty of people out there who do do that.

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SusannaC

I have wondered over the years if my husband was homosexual as well- it would be so much easier to understand. & accept that orientation .  I would have had an easier time justifying a departure from the marriage, in my mind as well.  The few people who I’ve shared my forced celibacy with have ALL raised the question of homosexuality.  Not because he has given any indication he is gay, but because asexuality is so poorly understood.

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SusannaC

I also look differently now at my husband’s reactions and behaviors around topics and conversation  with sexual undertones.  He has always been noticeably uncomfortable and awkward with discussions or jokes about sex.  He has  avoided conversations about sex in general, and especially with our sons. The job of sex education at home was naturally my entire responsibly.  In the past these behaviors would frustrate, deeply trouble and embarrass me- now I look at them with a new understanding and acceptance.    The information I’ve read on AVEN has been responsible for that enlightenment, and i am so very appreciative!

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