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Has anyone in an Ace/Allo Relationship ever cheated?


Mary Lambert

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Mary Lambert
12 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Do you think that 'extra level' (one former asexual described it as having an extra gear) is something that asexuals don't have? Or do they just not know they have it? Or do you think for some, they do actually get that extra level through other means?

I don't know, Tele, all I can say, is my husband is so awkward in this area. He seems like such a normal guy everywhere else, but it's obvious something is seriously missing. I mean it's a no brainer, if you cannot feel sexual attraction it is like some sort of blindness. 

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Telecaster68

I wasn't that inexperienced in relationships - I'd had a few short term ones, and one long term one - but I wasn't experienced enough to know that the slight 'offness' with my wife's sexuality wasn't going to get better. I also have some childhood shit that meant I was very bad at understanding what I needed and being okay with asking for it. With a bit more experience and assertiveness, I think I might've bailed early on.

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3 minutes ago, CBC said:

But yes, I'm sure my lack of experience certainly contributed to me hastily deciding to marry someone who's not only asexual, but also not even my preferred sex. I think I assumed compatible personalities and someone showing me kindness and care were all that mattered.

I think this is what happened to my husband (less, according to him, the preferred gender part).

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, CBC said:

Ohhh yes, familiar theme for me as well. I'm still pretty terrible at that.

Spoiler: turns out if you ask people nicely, they're generally fine with it. Who knew?

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Telecaster68

Based on my experience up to that point, I don't think I'd have believed it.

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Mary Lambert
2 hours ago, InariYana said:

For me cheating is simply being a coward. Sorry, just my opinion. I don't see it as morally wrong or anything, just pure big time cowardice. 

I used to think this way, until my life changed when I married and Ace. Its amazing how our opinions change when our circumstance change. Seeing life through the eyes of someone else is interesting to say the least. And the reason why, I say this if it is not painfully obvious, is that I am not willing to destroy what I worked so hard to build. I gave my years and my body (gave birth) to build this family. My girls are doing well and that is the most important thing to me. I will not have them die on the vine because of a divorce. And yes, kids are resilient and yes they will get over it. Well will they? My oldest was suicidal and my youngest got into a heap of trouble when I was ready to end it. Since then we reconciled and kids are doing great. So I tried to be honest about wanting something outside the relationship,  he died on the vine and our house  was cold. So if I decide to give up a portion of my happiness for a while, I don't  think it's too much to ask to later have a life outside my marriage and no one needs to know. Just my opinion. 

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I agree with the concerns you have Mary... I worry about my boys too. My oldest is bipolar and has thrived with a close supportive family.  He is still emotionally a bit immature, but is doing so well!  How can I rock his world, and my younger son’s, with a selfish need to leave?  They have no clue about this stuff, of course.  When is an appropriate time?  What would I say to them?  Ugh... these are questions for which I have no good answer.  However, life seems to move along WAY too fast- where have all the years gone?!  I just keep thinking I have already spent sooo many years living without....& as some of us have talked about,  “ I want to feel human”!  For me, a sexual relationship is vital towards achieving that goal.

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3 minutes ago, SusannaC said:

I agree with the concerns you have Mary... I worry about my boys too. My oldest is bipolar and has thrived with a close supportive family.  He is still emotionally a bit immature, but is doing so well!  How can I rock his world, and my younger son’s, with a selfish need to leave?  They have no clue about this stuff, of course.  When is an appropriate time?  What would I say to them?  Ugh... these are questions for which I have no good answer.  However, life seems to move along WAY too fast- where have all the years gone?!  I just keep thinking I have already spent sooo many years living without....& as some of us have talked about,  “ I want to feel human”!  For me, a sexual relationship is vital towards achieving that goal.

There isn't really a need for him to lose the emotional support if you two split amicably. If you and your spouse can remain friendly, at least as far as parenting your kids, then your kids will not lose much. It'll be an adjustment at first, but as someone who has divorced parents, I would rather my parents be happy than staying together miserable because of me, from an emotional well being standpoint. The kind of guilt kids can feel when they learn their parents were miserable and they were the reason isn't good on them either. 

 

Edit: To add, therapists can help a couple split with the least damage to their kids, if it comes to that. 

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4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Here's one of the things I wonder about, and you might have some insight on.

 

Do you think that 'extra level' (one former asexual described it as having an extra gear) is something that asexuals don't have? Or do they just not know they have it? Or do you think for some, they do actually get that extra level through other means?

Its really difficult to tell.  Even the same person's feelings might be very different if say their lack of interest were caused by a hormone imbalance. 

 

My guess from these discussions is that asexuals don't experience anything like what sexuals feel from sex with a loving partner, but its sort of like asking if blue looks the same to them as it does to me. 

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InariYana
1 hour ago, Serran said:

There isn't really a need for him to lose the emotional support if you two split amicably. If you and your spouse can remain friendly, at least as far as parenting your kids, then your kids will not lose much. It'll be an adjustment at first, but as someone who has divorced parents, I would rather my parents be happy than staying together miserable because of me, from an emotional well being standpoint. The kind of guilt kids can feel when they learn their parents were miserable and they were the reason isn't good on them either. 

 

Edit: To add, therapists can help a couple split with the least damage to their kids, if it comes to that. 

This is very true and yes, it can be done in a mature, civilised way, when both sides come to an agreement (ideally some form of co-parenting) and nobody loses contact with their child. When me and my daughter talk about the past she has memories of me and my ex being still married and us both just being totally miserable. Children can feel it very well, but are terrified to ask any questions. Even if there are no hurtful words spoken, no fights, there's unnatural silence and tension. They can sense some kind of deep disconnection between the adults.  

 

I remember my daughter saying twice that she's happy (yes, she used the word 'happy') that me and her dad split up and went our separate ways. She said me and him are so different and we could never be a good match for each other. She has friends whose parents fight, break up, go back together again, fight again, then ignore the other and play all sorts of nasty little games but won't split up and she can't understand why. This really brought me to tears of... relief, the fact that she - just out of the blue - wanted to talk about it and said I made the right decision. 

 

My ex is happier now, I'm happier. My daughter has a close bond with each parent, which is easy to maintain as we live in the same city and maybe a 15min drive apart. Life goes on :)       

 

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19 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Here's one of the things I wonder about, and you might have some insight on.

 

Do you think that 'extra level' (one former asexual described it as having an extra gear) is something that asexuals don't have? Or do they just not know they have it? Or do you think for some, they do actually get that extra level through other means?

 

Don't have is the correct answer here Tele. And in my case you can also add, doesn't have the romantic extra level or gear, too.

I've no idea if I can get that extra level through other means as I've no clue what that extra sexual or romantic level is.

 

On a different subject but it relates in some way to your question. I've no idea if you could even be able to experience the "tingles" and discover, learn to enjoy that astonishing experience or if you have other means to experience something similar. Hot chili peppers or a strong whisky could make your lips tingle but the "tingles" is the ability to fully control at will and provoke those tingles through thought anywhere on your skin. And that's only the beginning of the "tingles" path.

 

I could partake in sex, sort of at least, but it won't or simply can't be the same as for you Tele and all other sexual folks out there.

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I don’t think the “tingles” is a voluntary reaction for sexual people, at least not for me. Does that mean we do have “extra gear” as you call it, hardwired into us?  I am curious about how commonly asexual people feel repulsed by the idea of sex.  Or is it more common for asexuals to just feel disinterest in the idea?  -I’m sure I’ll never get a straight answer from my spouse. Was discussing asexuality with someone yesterday and the issue of hormonal imbalance was brought up..do low testosterone and estrogen play a significant role for this lack of interest in sex in those people who identify as asexual? Any thoughts? 

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I want to add that in theory, hormonal imbalance could play a significant role... and this person, a health care provider, suggested that it did play a large role for many people.  Doesn’t seem like that’s the only factor involved, but could it play a role?  Would be an interesting study.

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My husband has no discernible issues that I know about... interesting though-  my husbands step mother told me once that his father also had no interest in sex after marriage, and it had been MANY years for them as well.   So I also wonder how genetics could play a role.  Regardless, has led to quite a bit of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment in this family.

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Telecaster68

I know some asexuals on here have said they've had their hormone levels checked and found to be normal. I also know 'normal' will vary hugely from person to person, and may well say more about whether the levels might negatively affect their health than about effects on libido etc. 

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On 5/3/2018 at 11:46 AM, Telecaster68 said:

I know some asexuals on here have said they've had their hormone levels checked and found to be normal. I also know 'normal' will vary hugely from person to person, and may well say more about whether the levels might negatively affect their health than about effects on libido etc. 

I’ve had mine tested for completely unrelated reasons and everything was within normal limits (not near either end) for my age at the time.

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Mary Lambert
On ‎5‎/‎3‎/‎2018 at 7:25 AM, SusannaC said:

I want to add that in theory, hormonal imbalance could play a significant role... and this person, a health care provider, suggested that it did play a large role for many people.  Doesn’t seem like that’s the only factor involved, but could it play a role?  Would be an interesting study.

Yes people tell me this (hormonal imbalance) all the time and sure its real, but the awkwardness is so strange. It is so hard to explain.

 

On ‎5‎/‎2‎/‎2018 at 1:29 PM, Serran said:

There isn't really a need for him to lose the emotional support if you two split amicably. If you and your spouse can remain friendly, at least as far as parenting your kids, then your kids will not lose much. It'll be an adjustment at first, but as someone who has divorced parents, I would rather my parents be happy than staying together miserable because of me, from an emotional well being standpoint. The kind of guilt kids can feel when they learn their parents were miserable and they were the reason isn't good on them either. 

 

First, of all, many people from divorced families think they turned out ok, but as a parent looking on, it is easy to see what divorce does to the child. No marriage is perfect. So many people live with secrets from each other it isn't even funny. My husband hides so much of his viewing from me, because he knows I would freak out and I do when he tells me or I finally find things out. Even my therapist told me not to share that with my kids.  So lets be real!, Many Ace spouses don't want the divorce either and they get bitter. My husband was mad at me for 18 months and he made decisions about the kids without my input  (something he never normally does), I had divorced him sexually but not legally. How amicably do you think he would be in a real divorce? He would be civil but not warm and not the same. That's not good for kids either.

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Mary Lambert
On ‎5‎/‎3‎/‎2018 at 8:15 AM, SusannaC said:

My husband has no discernible issues that I know about... interesting though-  my husbands step mother told me once that his father also had no interest in sex after marriage, and it had been MANY years for them as well.   So I also wonder how genetics could play a role.  Regardless, has led to quite a bit of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment in this family.

I wonder if my daughter is an Ace.

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Good points.. but i wonder, when are children “old enough” that our own needs matter and become priority?  I’m just asking cause I’m a parent too- but have been told I’m tooo protective.  Sounds like you fear your husband would be vindictive, which is sad.  Mary- you can’t control his responses though- and when will you make your own happiness a priority??  I’m told and I believe kids are resilient, so maybe we worry too much, as mothers?  

What does your husband hide from your viewing, btw?

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Mary Lambert
On ‎5‎/‎4‎/‎2018 at 5:29 PM, SusannaC said:

What does your husband hide from your viewing, btw?

Hey, Susanna, my sister and her husband caught him chatting up and posting his pic in his boxers in gay chat rooms. That was long ago. He recently confessed to porn. I assumed it was gay porn at the time. 

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44 minutes ago, Mary Lambert said:

Hey, Susanna, my sister and her husband caught him chatting up and posting his pic in his boxers in gay chat rooms. That was long ago. He recently confessed to porn. I assumed it was gay porn at the time. 

Out of interest, could your husband just be closeted gay instead of asexual?  I'm assuming he wouldn't seek gay sex outside of the marriage if he's very religious etc (or just doesn't want to do that sort of thing due to marriage vows) but I've seen you mention this about him being in gay chat rooms and posting pics etc a few times now. If a straight woman is in a relationship with a gay man it would feel for her as though she's with an asexual because he won't have any attraction  to her, nor any interest in having sex with her. Would he want sex with men if he wasn't with you do you think?

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Mary Lambert
29 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Out of interest, could your husband just be closeted gay instead of asexual?  I'm assuming he wouldn't seek gay sex outside of the marriage if he's very religious etc (or just doesn't want to do that sort of thing due to marriage vows) but I've seen you mention this about him being in gay chat rooms and posting pics etc a few times now. If a straight woman is in a relationship with a gay man it would feel for her as though she's with an asexual because he won't have any attraction  to her, nor any interest in having sex with her. Would he want sex with men if he wasn't with you do you think?

He identifies as Ace/Bi, not sure what that totally means. But he does not like labels. 

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anisotrophic
2 hours ago, Mary Lambert said:

He identifies as Ace/Bi, not sure what that totally means. But he does not like labels. 

My (male) spouse had a relationship with a guy, previously. I'm not sure, but I think exploring "am I homosexual?" happens sometimes... an indifference to sex/gender.

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Mary, I said it before and I'll say it again: your husband is gay.

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anisotrophic

Broadly speaking, declaring "closeted gay" is a problematic reaction, IMHO.

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Telecaster68

Yeah, broadly. But given Mary's posts, and CBC's history, not here.

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Mary Lambert
12 hours ago, CBC said:

Mary, I said it before and I'll say it again: your husband is gay.

I thought so for many years, but never was able to prove anything. When he said he was Ace/Bi, I thought he was fighting his  gay feelings. But when I stumbled on this site, the other Ace's seemed to think like he thinks. I have never found such a close match to his personality then the other Ace's on this site. But I appreciate your input. Blessings, Mary

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anisotrophic

I kind of wish my spouse were gay! happy to become a guy for him. maybe I will anyway, eventually. :lol:

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Mary Lambert
On ‎5‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 12:43 PM, anisotropic said:

kind of wish my spouse were gay! happy to become a guy for him. maybe I will anyway, eventually. :lol:

Gay seems easier because it is more familiar. This takes you for a loop at first. :) 

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