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Has anyone in an Ace/Allo Relationship ever cheated?


Mary Lambert

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Mary Lambert

If you don't mind sharing, what finally drove you too it? What was the good and bad about it? Do you regret it or not?

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I've been cheated on, but personally, regarding my past experiences-I don't ever think I'd be capable of that. I'm still loyal to people I love. Including Family and platonic partners(Friends)

Regards,

Rosendust

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I’ve been cheated on but in retrospect it was that particular ex’s pattern - bore of one relationship but not want to be alone, start shopping around, identify new partner, act surprised when dumped so he didn’t have to make the official decision; I was something like girl 18 out of 19 he did that to before finally sticking with someone for more than a few years - and not directly related to  my (at-that-point-not-recognized-yet) asexuality.

 

We did fight some over sex but from what the girls before and after me said that was typical for him too.

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Mary,

I am drawn to this site because I need to know there are others out there in similar situations as my own.  Of course there are many unique differences, but this has been a strange and lonely marriage for me.....and I find at this time in my life I need to feel some connection....Yes,  I have in the last 6 months developed a sexual relationship with someone, and it is wonderful!!!! After 28 yrs of faithful marriage, i decided last year that this is it: life with my husband will always be this way-and it is unfair of me to expect from him what he can not give! I also made the decision to open myself up to new experiences for MYSELF, because my needs matter!   Life is meant to be lived to its fullest IMO, and I have martyred my sexual side for so many years!  

I have very little guilt and incredible relief that I am still desirable, and the sex is so good.  I catch myself feeling sadness for my spouse, for the pleasure and closeness he does not experience, but then remind myself of the fact that he has no desire for sex.  In fact, the real sadness I feel is for both of us, that we were so mismatched In our marriage.  Yet, were it not for him, I would not have my beautiful sons, so it is what it is!!!!

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I came close but didn’t. Honestly I regret NOT cheating.  I want to experience desire one more time before I die. It’s been over 30 years. 

 

I came close lose when we had gone 3 months with nothing and my wife didn’t see any problem.

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I also should add: I have never and do not want to endorse “cheating”. Going outside of my marriage for sex was a difficult and long thought about topic for me, and I’m sure many do not approve.  I am sorry, in fact, to those this admission offends, and respect your opinion.  I found for me, however, this was a decision i needed to make, and do not regret.   I do love my husband- he has been my partner and friend in many aspects of life over these years, but feel it is past time for me to experience more of living again!

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Just now, SusannaC said:

I also should add: I have never and do not want to endorse “cheating”. Going outside of my marriage for sex was a difficult and long thought about topic for me, and I’m sure many do not approve.  I am sorry, in fact, to those this admission offends, and respect your opinion.  I found for me, however, this was a decision i needed to make, and do not regret.   I do love my husband- he has been my partner and friend in many aspects of life over these years, but feel it is past time for me to experience more of living again!

I think you should only be judged by people who have experienced your situation.  I do not fault you at all. 

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2 hours ago, SusannaC said:

I am drawn to this site because I need to know there are others out there in similar situations as my own.  Of course there are many unique differences, but this has been a strange and lonely marriage for me.....and I find at this time in my life I need to feel some connection....Yes,  I have in the last 6 months developed a sexual relationship with someone, and it is wonderful!!!! After 28 yrs of faithful marriage, i decided last year that this is it: life with my husband will always be this way-and it is unfair of me to expect from him what he can not give! I also made the decision to open myself up to new experiences for MYSELF, because my needs matter!   Life is meant to be lived to its fullest IMO, and I have martyred my sexual side for so many years!  

I have very little guilt and incredible relief that I am still desirable, and the sex is so good.  I catch myself feeling sadness for my spouse, for the pleasure and closeness he does not experience, but then remind myself of the fact that he has no desire for sex.  In fact, the real sadness I feel is for both of us, that we were so mismatched In our marriage.  Yet, were it not for him, I would not have my beautiful sons, so it is what it is!!!!

Love this @SusannaC - generally agree!

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Clarification: Opening a relationship in communication, and with the consent of your spouse, doesn’t correspond to the OP posed question.  In my belief, it’s not  “cheating” when an extramarital liaison is part of a solution and and is part of an agreement.  It should all be out on the table for inspection and discussion with the relevant parties at any time should need be.

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Mary Lambert
On ‎4‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 9:23 AM, SusannaC said:

Mary,

I am drawn to this site because I need to know there are others out there in similar situations as my own.  Of course there are many unique differences, but this has been a strange and lonely marriage for me.....and I find at this time in my life I need to feel some connection....Yes,  I have in the last 6 months developed a sexual relationship with someone, and it is wonderful!!!! After 28 yrs of faithful marriage, i decided last year that this is it: life with my husband will always be this way-and it is unfair of me to expect from him what he can not give! I also made the decision to open myself up to new experiences for MYSELF, because my needs matter!   Life is meant to be lived to its fullest IMO, and I have martyred my sexual side for so many years!  

I have very little guilt and incredible relief that I am still desirable, and the sex is so good.  I catch myself feeling sadness for my spouse, for the pleasure and closeness he does not experience, but then remind myself of the fact that he has no desire for sex.  In fact, the real sadness I feel is for both of us, that we were so mismatched In our marriage.  Yet, were it not for him, I would not have my beautiful sons, so it is what it is!!!!

Dear Susan, Oh my girl. I am so moved by your honesty in this. My heart is happy and sad for this situation, as it is my very own in many ways. I love my husband so much too and I know it will never be what I had hoped for. Thank you so much for sharing this, you are an angel. Very few will ever get this. I hear so much about how having an extra marital affair is so beyond wrong by society's standards, but it was not so long ago that we thought homosexuality was forbidden. We forced those who had that orientation to hide or pretend. This hurt so many people. How is this so different? But yet I get so much push back about this. So thank you -thank you -thank you. You are precious and I get it.  

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Mary Lambert
On ‎4‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 9:33 AM, SusannaC said:

I also should add: I have never and do not want to endorse “cheating”. Going outside of my marriage for sex was a difficult and long thought about topic for me, and I’m sure many do not approve.  I am sorry, in fact, to those this admission offends, and respect your opinion.  I found for me, however, this was a decision i needed to make, and do not regret.   I do love my husband- he has been my partner and friend in many aspects of life over these years, but feel it is past time for me to experience more of living again!

I am inspired by you. No judgement at all. 

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Mary Lambert

I asked my husband for an open marriage, but he was not ok with that. He was super mad at me and it became difficult to live with him. So I told him I would not seek that out. So my point is many Aces in mixed marriages are not open to the idea from what I am gathering, so I feel it forces the Allo to go behind their back. It is hard to live with someone who knows you are involved physically with someone else, I think. 

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CBC- I don’t understand what a “troll account” is, and why that would need to exist on a site like this?  Aren’t there enough genuinely confused and hurting people out here, that only true people need apply?  I hope she is genuine.... regardless though, it’s interesting to address the LBGTQ issue:  I have thought a bit about the similarities:  So much about asexuality is not understood by the heterosexual community, and therefore, many times people will say things that are hurtful and untrue about this orientation.  Also- to simply call someone a “cheater” is unfair- because it demeans and simplifies a very painful need that is sometimes not met in any other way...I wonder- is a heterosexual who denies his/her sexual side not similar to a homosexual who lives in denial or shame?  I for one,have developed a greater respect and appreciation for all forms of sexual orientation through my personal experiences in this marriage..... I only wish the answer for what I should do with the rest of my life- stay married or not- were so clear....

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Can I ask, y’all? Did you say that you where going to find sex elsewhere? Or did you give up on talking with your SO about it?

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Mary Lambert
5 minutes ago, MrDane said:

Can I ask, y’all? Did you say that you where going to find sex elsewhere? Or did you give up on talking with your SO about it?

Hey, Dane

Not sure what will transpire. Right now I have a great life with a wonderful family, I do not want to harm the children or my husband for that matter in anyway. I do have a guy friend and we spend a little time together working out i.e. but I do not want to put him in that situation either. So for now, I just work and take care of my life, but it is always on my mind, so I am not sure. :) 

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My recommendation would be to at least say "I need this. I am going to get it." If you decide to go outside your relationship. I don't think you're a bad person for needing it. But, it is hard to have a healthy relationship if secrets and lies are involved. And, honestly, your kids will probably be very upset if they ever find out you cheated on their dad. However, if you are honest about your needs then ball is in his court if he can handle your needs, just like he put the ball in your court to handle or not handle his needs of lack of sex. 

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I also love my family, have wonderful sons and a husband who is an otherwise terrific guy- so I don’t want to hurt them with selfish behavior on my part..  this is part of what has kept me here, for all these years.  I read recently though a quote on this site which STICKS with me: “ celibacy chokes the life out of my soul”. Wow!!!   So true for me.

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Another thing for the married, pragmatic folks to keep in mind is that in some geographic areas - fairly or not - cheating and getting caught can put you at a disadvantage divorce-settlement-wise compared to just divorcing.  If your partner might react to such a discovery by filing against you, consider that as you weigh your options.

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Mary Lambert
27 minutes ago, SusannaC said:

celibacy chokes the life out of my soul”. Wow!!!   So true for me.

Oh, yeah, I mean if my guy friend was more ok with it, it would be very hard to say no. So really it's just the waiting game right now. I do not want to destroy what I have worked to hard to build. So I am waiting for my husband to give me the ok. The time is not quite right. :) 

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On 04/30/2018 at 12:18 PM, SusannaC said:

to simply call someone a “cheater” is unfair- because it demeans and simplifies a very painful need that is sometimes not met in any other way...

what would you like to be called then, a saint? calling someone who surreptitiously breaks the trust of a compaionship for their own individual purposes a cheater is factual, fair's got nothing to do with it.

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demeaning with sarcasm?  A cheater is someone who doesn’t play by the rules and wins when he/she shouldn’t ....   A Saint is holy and deceased....if only this topic were so easy to simplify down, to all or nothing, a black and white filter, with no shades in between.  

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Mary Lambert
6 hours ago, gisiebob said:

what would you like to be called then, a saint? calling someone who surreptitiously breaks the trust of a compaionship for their own individual purposes a cheater is factual, fair's got nothing to do with it.

We like to villanize  people who step out of the marital bed, and victimize the spouse who seems so innocent in a situation we know nothing about. It is society that has taught us this. A while back society taught us that women were chattel and black people were subhuman, gay was a horrible, sexual sin and on and on. Have we really evolved?

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It is hard to say what person brings to a conversation like this, from past personal events and experiences.  We are all entitled to our own opinions, too. One reason why I’m here, on this forum, is to learn from others, see other perspectives, and find some comfort in the fact that I’m not alone in this strange relationship.  Prior to marriage, I had no idea that Asexuality existed..so with knowledge comes growth 

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6 hours ago, gisiebob said:

 

what would you like to be called then, a saint? calling someone who surreptitiously breaks the trust of a compaionship for their own individual purposes a cheater is factual, fair's got nothing to do with it.

Not so sure. If we accept that it is OK for people to not have sex in a relationship, why is it fundamentally different to accept that people who are denied sex in a marriage can go outside of the marriage.

 

I'm not saying its obviously true, but I don't see it as inconsistent.  Isn't it all part  of recognizing the great variety of human interests and needs with respect to sex?

 

We don't typically tell an asexual person that they must either have sex that they don't want, or divorce.  Is it fair to tell a sexual person that they  must either divorce or go celibate? 

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InariYana

For me cheating is simply being a coward. Sorry, just my opinion. I don't see it as morally wrong or anything, just pure big time cowardice. 

Be brave an openly say to your partner - I need to do this and that's the plan. I'm attracted to this person and I'm going to have sex with them. Then wait for the outcome. Your partner may understand and accept, or may hate you and kick you of their life. Tough call, but this way there are no lies or secrets involved. 

 

Many cheats are just too comfy in their lives to risk them and be open with their partner about it. If my ex husband was open with me he would have been out of my life sooner. I was one of those compromising aces, but still - that wasn't enough. 

 

Then again, many sexual people cheat on their sexual partners and the reasons can be such as "well, she was heavily pregnant and not interested in sex" (how F**ing bad is that?), "neighbour was so sexy and inviting", "I was bored", "he got a bit chubby and I wasn't attracted to him any longer"... all these reasons to me are like a never-ending   facepalm session. At least "I wasn't getting any sex and they didn't want to open the relationship" sounds like a bit of a better excuse.   

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Telecaster68
1 hour ago, InariYana said:

"I wasn't getting any sex and they didn't want to open the relationship"

It's not about not 'getting' any sex, as though they weren't getting any ice-cream. It's about the level of intimacy with another person that comes with sex being missing from the relationship, and therefore, their life.

 

I know this wasn't your main point, but it does illustrate a fundamental difference in how sexuals and asexuals understand sex.

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Telecaster68
11 minutes ago, CBC said:

we all fuck up somehow anyway; might as well make it worth it

I want that on a t shirt.

 

Including the semicolon.

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So Very true!  That resonates with me in many ways.  Having that intimate connection is unlike any other connection, and does make me feel human!  Can’t get that any other way, Lord knows I’ve tried.   I also had almost no relationship experience too, when I decided to marry. I wonder at how that played into my choice to commit to someone with an asexual nature.  

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Telecaster68
12 minutes ago, CBC said:

there just really isn't a way to describe to asexuals the difference that that type of connection and intimacy can make in your life as a whole. I really don't think my "I feel human" is an overstatement.

Here's one of the things I wonder about, and you might have some insight on.

 

Do you think that 'extra level' (one former asexual described it as having an extra gear) is something that asexuals don't have? Or do they just not know they have it? Or do you think for some, they do actually get that extra level through other means?

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Telecaster68

I agree.

 

Glad we've got that issue sorted out then.

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