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Mary Lambert

Has anyone in an Ace/Allo Relationship ever cheated?

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Mary Lambert

If you don't mind sharing, what finally drove you too it? What was the good and bad about it? Do you regret it or not?

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Rosendust

I've been cheated on, but personally, regarding my past experiences-I don't ever think I'd be capable of that. I'm still loyal to people I love. Including Family and platonic partners(Friends)

Regards,

Rosendust

Edited by Rosendust
Spelling mistakes and extended thoughts

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ryn2

I’ve been cheated on but in retrospect it was that particular ex’s pattern - bore of one relationship but not want to be alone, start shopping around, identify new partner, act surprised when dumped so he didn’t have to make the official decision; I was something like girl 18 out of 19 he did that to before finally sticking with someone for more than a few years - and not directly related to  my (at-that-point-not-recognized-yet) asexuality.

 

We did fight some over sex but from what the girls before and after me said that was typical for him too.

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SusannaC

Mary,

I am drawn to this site because I need to know there are others out there in similar situations as my own.  Of course there are many unique differences, but this has been a strange and lonely marriage for me.....and I find at this time in my life I need to feel some connection....Yes,  I have in the last 6 months developed a sexual relationship with someone, and it is wonderful!!!! After 28 yrs of faithful marriage, i decided last year that this is it: life with my husband will always be this way-and it is unfair of me to expect from him what he can not give! I also made the decision to open myself up to new experiences for MYSELF, because my needs matter!   Life is meant to be lived to its fullest IMO, and I have martyred my sexual side for so many years!  

I have very little guilt and incredible relief that I am still desirable, and the sex is so good.  I catch myself feeling sadness for my spouse, for the pleasure and closeness he does not experience, but then remind myself of the fact that he has no desire for sex.  In fact, the real sadness I feel is for both of us, that we were so mismatched In our marriage.  Yet, were it not for him, I would not have my beautiful sons, so it is what it is!!!!

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uhtred

I came close but didn’t. Honestly I regret NOT cheating.  I want to experience desire one more time before I die. It’s been over 30 years. 

 

I came close lose when we had gone 3 months with nothing and my wife didn’t see any problem.

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SusannaC

I also should add: I have never and do not want to endorse “cheating”. Going outside of my marriage for sex was a difficult and long thought about topic for me, and I’m sure many do not approve.  I am sorry, in fact, to those this admission offends, and respect your opinion.  I found for me, however, this was a decision i needed to make, and do not regret.   I do love my husband- he has been my partner and friend in many aspects of life over these years, but feel it is past time for me to experience more of living again!

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uhtred
Just now, SusannaC said:

I also should add: I have never and do not want to endorse “cheating”. Going outside of my marriage for sex was a difficult and long thought about topic for me, and I’m sure many do not approve.  I am sorry, in fact, to those this admission offends, and respect your opinion.  I found for me, however, this was a decision i needed to make, and do not regret.   I do love my husband- he has been my partner and friend in many aspects of life over these years, but feel it is past time for me to experience more of living again!

I think you should only be judged by people who have experienced your situation.  I do not fault you at all. 

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CBC

Well technically I'm in an "ace/allo" relationship (I don't like or use the term 'allo' myself, though), and I suppose the answer is yes, but... not really for the reasons you're probably getting at. My "ace/allo" marriage also turned out to be mixed in the sense that my asexual husband is straight and I'm not so much bi as I originally thought, just gay (and sexual).

 

Um, so... I honestly don't want to go into a lot of specifics, but anyway... several years ago, someone else also in a somewhat-unfulfilling relationship pursued me. I ended up falling in love with them. I'm not sure if I'd've actively sought anyone out on my own ever, although by that point I'd already had strong romantic interest in a female friend (pointless interest I might add, because she was straight). It all sort of seemed inevitable given what I was learning about my own orientation.

 

The good part is getting to be myself. That's priceless to me. It makes me feel human, makes me feel alive. It's good to feel wanted and desired by someone who I know also loves me, in a way that my husband wasn't able to. Even if I was bi like I thought (I also used to think I was close-ish to asexual, perhaps just someone with a lower-than-normal drive), his interest in me was just... lacking. And that made me feel awkward and weird and disappointed. It's great to have that interest and sexual desire reciprocated in a genuine way that isn't just someone trying to play along. Bonus: I'm like 8000% less inhibited than I used to be.

 

The bad part... well, that would be the lying and behaving in a way that's disrespectful to someone I do truly care about. For a long time I hid who I was, too; it's not easy keeping that to yourself.

 

I don't regret it at all though, no. I've learnt so much about myself and I feel relieved and happier. And I've inadvertently found someone I love very much. The situation isn't particularly ideal... it's a long-distance thing and very much not just about sex; obviously I could get sex closer to home if I wanted... but it's worth it regardless.

 

Also my husband and I had a recent long talk and will, for the time being, be attempting an open/platonic relationship, living together as life partners of sorts. It doesn't make much sense to break up right now anyway; we're very good friends, he's my main support in terms of various health issues I struggle with, and we really do feel like a family unit (we've no children, thank goodness -- and no plans for any). He also apparently had no interest in pursuing romantic relationships with others; he's not aromantic, but he's always expressed not having much of a need for that sort of thing... perhaps our relationship was a bit of an anomaly for him, I'm not sure. So we're trying to find a way to make things work for where we're at in life right now, regardless of what the future may hold. I've always seemed to do things the unconventional way hahaha, usually not even intentionally. However, despite our newly theoretically-open relationship, he's not really aware of my involvement with someone else at this point. There are a variety of rather complicated reasons for that, but I guess those are bridges to be crossed when we come to them, as the saying goes.

 

Anyways. Not your typical "ace/allo" story I guess, but that's what I got. Cheating is not the most socially-accepted or honourable choice, I get that, but it encompasses so much more than someone who just can't keep their pants on when they're drunk at a bar or whatever, and I despise the way cheaters are vilified across the board. But then I also don't give many fucks what people think of me, so. I'm gonna do what makes me happy in life; goodness knows I've spent too many years pissing it all away (in other senses, mostly related to my struggles with mental illness, not my marriage really).

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Traveler40
2 hours ago, SusannaC said:

I am drawn to this site because I need to know there are others out there in similar situations as my own.  Of course there are many unique differences, but this has been a strange and lonely marriage for me.....and I find at this time in my life I need to feel some connection....Yes,  I have in the last 6 months developed a sexual relationship with someone, and it is wonderful!!!! After 28 yrs of faithful marriage, i decided last year that this is it: life with my husband will always be this way-and it is unfair of me to expect from him what he can not give! I also made the decision to open myself up to new experiences for MYSELF, because my needs matter!   Life is meant to be lived to its fullest IMO, and I have martyred my sexual side for so many years!  

I have very little guilt and incredible relief that I am still desirable, and the sex is so good.  I catch myself feeling sadness for my spouse, for the pleasure and closeness he does not experience, but then remind myself of the fact that he has no desire for sex.  In fact, the real sadness I feel is for both of us, that we were so mismatched In our marriage.  Yet, were it not for him, I would not have my beautiful sons, so it is what it is!!!!

Love this @SusannaC - generally agree!

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Traveler40

Clarification: Opening a relationship in communication, and with the consent of your spouse, doesn’t correspond to the OP posed question.  In my belief, it’s not  “cheating” when an extramarital liaison is part of a solution and and is part of an agreement.  It should all be out on the table for inspection and discussion with the relevant parties at any time should need be.

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CBC

Oh yeah, it's not cheating if everyone involved knows. If they don't though, no matter how you spin it, it pretty much is. (Which doesn't mean I always think it's wrong.)

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Mary Lambert
On ‎4‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 9:23 AM, SusannaC said:

Mary,

I am drawn to this site because I need to know there are others out there in similar situations as my own.  Of course there are many unique differences, but this has been a strange and lonely marriage for me.....and I find at this time in my life I need to feel some connection....Yes,  I have in the last 6 months developed a sexual relationship with someone, and it is wonderful!!!! After 28 yrs of faithful marriage, i decided last year that this is it: life with my husband will always be this way-and it is unfair of me to expect from him what he can not give! I also made the decision to open myself up to new experiences for MYSELF, because my needs matter!   Life is meant to be lived to its fullest IMO, and I have martyred my sexual side for so many years!  

I have very little guilt and incredible relief that I am still desirable, and the sex is so good.  I catch myself feeling sadness for my spouse, for the pleasure and closeness he does not experience, but then remind myself of the fact that he has no desire for sex.  In fact, the real sadness I feel is for both of us, that we were so mismatched In our marriage.  Yet, were it not for him, I would not have my beautiful sons, so it is what it is!!!!

Dear Susan, Oh my girl. I am so moved by your honesty in this. My heart is happy and sad for this situation, as it is my very own in many ways. I love my husband so much too and I know it will never be what I had hoped for. Thank you so much for sharing this, you are an angel. Very few will ever get this. I hear so much about how having an extra marital affair is so beyond wrong by society's standards, but it was not so long ago that we thought homosexuality was forbidden. We forced those who had that orientation to hide or pretend. This hurt so many people. How is this so different? But yet I get so much push back about this. So thank you -thank you -thank you. You are precious and I get it.  

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CBC

I mean, to be fair, cheating isn't an orientation, and cheaters as a whole -- whilst often despised -- have never faced what LGBTQ folks have in terms of hatred, abuse, ridicule, discrimination, violence, etc.

 

I don't disagree that it's a reasonable option sometimes, but equating it to homosexuality is a little silly.

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Mary Lambert
On ‎4‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 9:33 AM, SusannaC said:

I also should add: I have never and do not want to endorse “cheating”. Going outside of my marriage for sex was a difficult and long thought about topic for me, and I’m sure many do not approve.  I am sorry, in fact, to those this admission offends, and respect your opinion.  I found for me, however, this was a decision i needed to make, and do not regret.   I do love my husband- he has been my partner and friend in many aspects of life over these years, but feel it is past time for me to experience more of living again!

I am inspired by you. No judgement at all. 

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Mary Lambert

I asked my husband for an open marriage, but he was not ok with that. He was super mad at me and it became difficult to live with him. So I told him I would not seek that out. So my point is many Aces in mixed marriages are not open to the idea from what I am gathering, so I feel it forces the Allo to go behind their back. It is hard to live with someone who knows you are involved physically with someone else, I think. 

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CBC

Well yeah that's not surprising. If someone isn't open to it in the first place, it's going to be hard.

 

Mary, if you're even a legit person and not a troll account (I'm not supposed to say that word, I know, but I don't mind living dangerously), you and your husband at least need some counselling to figure out where you're both at. Your options are basically living with it as is, separating, or cheating.

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SusannaC

CBC- I don’t understand what a “troll account” is, and why that would need to exist on a site like this?  Aren’t there enough genuinely confused and hurting people out here, that only true people need apply?  I hope she is genuine.... regardless though, it’s interesting to address the LBGTQ issue:  I have thought a bit about the similarities:  So much about asexuality is not understood by the heterosexual community, and therefore, many times people will say things that are hurtful and untrue about this orientation.  Also- to simply call someone a “cheater” is unfair- because it demeans and simplifies a very painful need that is sometimes not met in any other way...I wonder- is a heterosexual who denies his/her sexual side not similar to a homosexual who lives in denial or shame?  I for one,have developed a greater respect and appreciation for all forms of sexual orientation through my personal experiences in this marriage..... I only wish the answer for what I should do with the rest of my life- stay married or not- were so clear....

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CBC

A troll is someone being disingenuous for the purposes of messing with people just for fun. I hope that's not the case as well, but a handful of us have had our suspicions based on various aspects of the account and previous interactions. But that's for the admods to investigate, not me. I do hope Mary isn't wasting our time though, yes.

 

And for sure, someone denying their nature is not healthy or something to take lightly, I do agree. Which is why I strongly believe in differentiating between the reasons people cheat and not tarring all cheaters with the same brush. But sexual folks in unhappy relationships have pretty straightforward -- albeit often heartbreaking -- options available to them in order to remedy the situation, which is not the same as what LGBTQ+ individuals have historically faced. You can't change who you are, but you can change a situation that's not working for you.

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MrDane

Can I ask, y’all? Did you say that you where going to find sex elsewhere? Or did you give up on talking with your SO about it?

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Mary Lambert
5 minutes ago, MrDane said:

Can I ask, y’all? Did you say that you where going to find sex elsewhere? Or did you give up on talking with your SO about it?

Hey, Dane

Not sure what will transpire. Right now I have a great life with a wonderful family, I do not want to harm the children or my husband for that matter in anyway. I do have a guy friend and we spend a little time together working out i.e. but I do not want to put him in that situation either. So for now, I just work and take care of my life, but it is always on my mind, so I am not sure. :) 

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Serran

My recommendation would be to at least say "I need this. I am going to get it." If you decide to go outside your relationship. I don't think you're a bad person for needing it. But, it is hard to have a healthy relationship if secrets and lies are involved. And, honestly, your kids will probably be very upset if they ever find out you cheated on their dad. However, if you are honest about your needs then ball is in his court if he can handle your needs, just like he put the ball in your court to handle or not handle his needs of lack of sex. 

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SusannaC

I also love my family, have wonderful sons and a husband who is an otherwise terrific guy- so I don’t want to hurt them with selfish behavior on my part..  this is part of what has kept me here, for all these years.  I read recently though a quote on this site which STICKS with me: “ celibacy chokes the life out of my soul”. Wow!!!   So true for me.

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ryn2

Another thing for the married, pragmatic folks to keep in mind is that in some geographic areas - fairly or not - cheating and getting caught can put you at a disadvantage divorce-settlement-wise compared to just divorcing.  If your partner might react to such a discovery by filing against you, consider that as you weigh your options.

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Mary Lambert
27 minutes ago, SusannaC said:

celibacy chokes the life out of my soul”. Wow!!!   So true for me.

Oh, yeah, I mean if my guy friend was more ok with it, it would be very hard to say no. So really it's just the waiting game right now. I do not want to destroy what I have worked to hard to build. So I am waiting for my husband to give me the ok. The time is not quite right. :) 

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CBC
5 hours ago, Mary Lambert said:

So I am waiting for my husband to give me the ok. The time is not quite right. :) 

When will it be right? What will make it right?

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gisiebob

 

On 04/30/2018 at 12:18 PM, SusannaC said:

to simply call someone a “cheater” is unfair- because it demeans and simplifies a very painful need that is sometimes not met in any other way...

what would you like to be called then, a saint? calling someone who surreptitiously breaks the trust of a compaionship for their own individual purposes a cheater is factual, fair's got nothing to do with it.

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SusannaC

demeaning with sarcasm?  A cheater is someone who doesn’t play by the rules and wins when he/she shouldn’t ....   A Saint is holy and deceased....if only this topic were so easy to simplify down, to all or nothing, a black and white filter, with no shades in between.  

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Some people like to be sanctimonious, Susanna. I don't waste my time with them; they're free to live their lives as they wish and don't get any input on mine.

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Mary Lambert
6 hours ago, gisiebob said:

what would you like to be called then, a saint? calling someone who surreptitiously breaks the trust of a compaionship for their own individual purposes a cheater is factual, fair's got nothing to do with it.

We like to villanize  people who step out of the marital bed, and victimize the spouse who seems so innocent in a situation we know nothing about. It is society that has taught us this. A while back society taught us that women were chattel and black people were subhuman, gay was a horrible, sexual sin and on and on. Have we really evolved?

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I think you're making some pretty bad analogies, Mary. Goodness knows I'm certainly not across-the-board against cheating, but comparisons to racism and homophobia? Really?

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