I'm gonna need a lot of help!

April 28, 2018

Hello.. Just wanted to say a quick hi.. I am trying to read through many many threads that would fit my situation and I am overwhelmed but finally I think I found the support group onboths sides of the spectrum (so to speak).. that may find me help, who may catch my tears, and to help me become more educated, patient, understanding, etc.. Thank you for who ever created this forum that I finally may find my answers..

April 28, 2018

Are you ready for the story?? I guess I should have added it above, however I am really new to this.

I am currently involved in a relationship (my first after 14 years). I am 57 white female. Mother of three. I abstained from intimacy for 14 years being single. Yes I am a christian and have my faith and beliefs, but mostly I think I went through menopause and yes I did masterbate from time to time when desires peeked. I have aged, and plumped out through the years, and I started a dating group, hoping to find my one and only. After three years, I finally thought (think) I found him. He is a year younger than I. OMG.. We are still working our way through adjustment period.

I met him three years ago within the group.. Nice man, but ultimately he started a relationship (1 rocky year) with a fellow member. They broke up and he rejoined. WE began talking and getting to know each other, but kept sex (by choice .. so I thought only mine) out of the conversations. We laughed, we went fishing, etc. Slowly I began to have feelings. Clearly eventually so did he. We will be living together now for three months.

Now I am a mother of three grown children so I know what intimacy should be like. My first marriage was one where he was done before my head hit the pillow, (it lasted 7 years)... Needless to say I was so sexually frustrated. The second marriage, my ex began doing drugs (Which I did not know about at first). Our sex life started out in total heaven bliss.. Later the more he did drugs, the sex fell apart and I asked why he denied me after months and months of no intimacy and my initiation his was response was.. "BECAUSE I know you want it".. yup 7 years it lasted. I went on to have meaning less intimacy to feel sexually complete and yet empty. Hence the past 14 years to now.

Now I meet this amazing man. He is warm, tender, makes me laugh.. we have a great time. He touches me lovingly all the time.. Gives me kiss's every morning, tells me he loves me, opens doors, (he even tucks me into bed when I go to bed alone). He cares for all my aches and pains, and I do the same for him.. I have no doubt that he loves me.. None what so ever.. However.. then the bombshell hits..

He has no interest in sex. Our first night we only hugged. then finally in our first week we made love! Quit difficult because of me being a larger woman with aches and pains, and him being a taller man and a bit hefty himself... but he also was not blessed within the endowment area so quite small, with an erection issue. OK.. I can deal with all that.. Not earth shattering, but hey I can deal. I did notice he did not really touch, explore.. (sorry about all my graphics).. Just when he managed to get it ready the deed was done.. and it was over. OK.. First time.. I can deal with it.. can I say the word awkward!!!

Now due to his own physical limitations intimacy (sex) is not easy, but after many failed attempt that first month we finally found out position... but I noticed that still no touching for foreplay and I was the one initiating the intimacy. We talked.. I told him of my needs, my wants, my desires and tried to encourage him of his own. He told me it did not matter!!! I did not pay much notice but still tried to pry it out of him (NICELY).. so lets get this straight.. first month three sucessful intimacy moments, and at least 5 non.. Frustrated. to say the least after 14 years.

His attention to me did not fail and to this day has not. But more and more I noticed he loves to snuggle and keep me warm. Arms wrapped around me but off to sleep. Still no touch intimate parts, or to even explore. I got confused so we talked again, and I tried to explain what I liked and what I could do to excite him. He told me nothing! That he loved me just the way I am, but none of that mattered. Which leads us into second month. I get all the physical hugs, kiss's, affection during the day time, including massages, foot rubs, polishing my toenails, brushing my long hair, and more stolen kiss's. The caressing my arms as I sit next to him only sparks flames with is tenderness over and over.. So I initiate and take care of him, which takes him by surprise. I do not seek my own gratification, just wanting to please him.. to be intimate with him. Night time comes his hands remain around my waist. I even so much as place his hands on my chest or else ware and laughs and then his hands seem paralyzed! They do not move.

So frustrated I started seeking information of what could be wrong.. I come across Aromantic, and now Asexual. We talk more about it.. (now his he is quiet, and his head is down). He admits, sex just never meant much to him and he could go months and months without it! .. I followed some advise.. First talk! Get to know what is important to him, to understand him, and to talk about BOTH mutual expectations. I told him about what "MAYBE" wrong... but he seems dis interested and rather avoid taking about it.. Now we are still in month two! NO intimacy with the exception of all the important stuff during the day time hours.

Let me say this.. I love this man, I am willing to work with him! I know he loves me, and God knows I do love him, but I am a Sexual person. I like the playful romance, and I have a fire that burns inside, yet I am not wanting to use masterbation to make me feel release. I have a live man living with me next to me. I told him I am willing to do baby steps, slowly, and I can deal with occasional etc, but he still has no interest in pleasing me or even making the attempt to care for my needs as much as I try for his, and to accept him as he feels or is, but to deny my own needs it not fair! That to me is forcing me into a Asexual relationship that I can not over come. I can not shut down my feelings as he can, or act as if they do not exist. They do exist just as much as his does not exist. How do I deal with this???? How can I make it work for him and for me? I am learning it is not me, and it is not him. He is normal in his way, and I am normal in my way. I am finding my self crying inside hiding in the bathroom in trying to control my frustrated tears and not to resent him. I love him dang it. I want to be a WOMAN to him and him be a man to ME. No! Relationships are not all about SEX! I do understand this.. This not sex I am requesting.. It is fulfillment, the feeling of feeling complete as ONE body! Once a week, heck I can settle for twice a month, just do not deny me when I can not remember the last time. I read some of the forums about how long women have waited etc.. Can I do that.. Is it fair to him??? Is it fair to me???

Please again I really love him. I am doing my best not to add pressure. I let him know.. ONLY if he wants, I no long place his hands, I do not even touch him out of fear of pushing him further away. So nightly I go to sleep with his arms wrapped over me, longing for a touch of tenderness and tears in my eyes with silent drops on my pillow. This is really hard... so if there is any Asexual men out there who can lend me advise I am willing to listen, or women who survived Asexual relationships please counsel me! I am ready to listen.. Please.. Thanks

April 28, 2018

Sorry, I don't have any advice or counsel to offer but perhaps https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/ will.

All I can say is thanks for sharing your story, and it sounds so difficult for you. I hope you find a resolution that works for both of you.

April 28, 2018

Thank you paperbackreader I will read that this evening..

April 28, 2018

You poor dear! I simply don't have time to reply right now, but I promise to as soon as I can.

Please remember, his dis-inclination is not tied to you. He loves you, but may need help in understanding your need for physical intimacy and in finding ways to touch you that are most pleasing and that would be fun and enjoyable for you both.

April 29, 2018

Hiya Windy... may I call you Windy?

First, please allow me to congratulate you on being such a good partner for your mate! To take the time to communicate and discover what he wants or needs, and to take the trouble to actually investigate these issues for the partnership's sake shows that you are patient, understanding, and wanting your union to be successful. He's truly fortunate to be allowed to share your intimacy like this, and I'm sure he knows it.

Please remember that these are just the opinions of a total stranger. My experiences may not directly reflect his own, but many of his behaviors seem to mirror my own when I first began affectionate touching in my early 30s. It may be helpful to examine his reasons for not wanting to touch you in a more intimate manner. Is he aware that sex needn't involve his genitals? He's open and liberal with hugs, kissing, cuddling, and holding, is there a specific reason he wouldn't want to caress you in a manner that is even more pleasing to you? When he rubs your feet, kisses your cheek, or brushes you hair, is that because he has a thing for feet, cheeks, or hair? Or is it because he loves feeling close to you, enjoys the way you feel under his fingers, and appreciates the way that you respond to his touch? Perhaps he doesn't yet understand the true longing you feel, the hunger you have to feel physically bonded with him, and the relative ease he may have in providing you with that. Perhaps he has yet to feel the delight that is your pleasure.

Always remember, coercion is unacceptable. Pressure is unacceptable. Touching or making someone touch you without open consent is unacceptable. If he decides that sex is something he simply doesn't ever want regardless of your wishes he gets to have that. We all do. However, I feel that you know that and are currently trying hard to understand why a man who loves you dearly wouldn't feel the immediate drive to be sexual with you. Even if he doesn't feel that drive or has chosen to ignore it, he should still be happy to touch you in a manner that is even more exciting and enjoyable to you. If he is asexual he may be sex-averse, but before we go attempting to slap labels everywhere I feel it would be most important to discover exactly why he's averse to more intimate forms of touching. He knows it's something that you desire, and if he's familiar with your anatomy or you don't mind showing him how to touch you, I'm unsure of what it is.

Personal theory time:

I don't consider sex, affection, or intimacy to be single things or even groups of things, but a sliding scale. On one end you have simple physical affections like hugs and hand-holding. On the other end are highly intimate forms such as full-body and orgasmic genital contact, with all of the different forms of physical intimacy lying between. There's already a point above zero on that scale that he's comfortable, even enthusiastic, about engaging with you in. If he enjoys holding your hand and kissing your lips, would he enjoy holding your ass and kissing your breasts? If you assure him that no actions ever have to lead to further actions up that scale he may be more inclined to enjoy them with you, especially if he truly loves bringing you pleasure. Assure him that a spontaneous erection on his part is never required for him to please you and show you that he cares and wants you to be fulfilled. If coital intercourse is problematic, don't do it. It's really that simple. There are so many other things that you could do together to feel pleasure with each other. No pressure. No hurry. It's just touching each other in a more intimate manner up a sliding scale, and no point on that scale should ever be considered an end-goal.

My personal secret was to learn to appreciate just how much my significant other craved my touch. I love her, adore her, and to deny her that would be cruel. I've easily learned to appreciate our intimate encounters because just as I enjoy her brilliant smile when I present her with a gift or the skip in her breath when I kiss her neck, I truly enjoy her responsive moans to my intimate touch and her labored breathing as she slowly coaxes to climax.

See, I've always been a cat person by nature, and I've openly compared her to one on many occasions, including our very first cuddle sessions. What do I get out of petting my cat? Sure she's soft, and lovely, and pleasing to the touch... but she loves it. My kitty simply loves it when I pet her! The enthusiasm of her pushing her head into my hand; arching her back as I run my hand down her spine; purring load enough to be heard on the other side of the room. That's why I do it. I love bringing pleasure to that little furball and her simple delighted reaction is all it takes for me to want to keep doing it.

My significant other is not a cat (anymore ^_^) and our relationship is infinitely richer and more complex than anything a mere pet has to offer, but I still physically adore her as one, love for my touch to bring her pleasure, and enjoy being the one that she has chosen to allow to touch her in a manner she finds so loving, pleasurable, and intimate. If he understands that there's no pressure for his genitals to perform and that touching you intimately would be safe, desired, and pleasing to you, then there must be another answer. His apparent desire to be intimate on the low end of the scale would tend to indicate that he's romantic, instead of aromantic, but even if asexual he doesn't appear sex-adverse, so something else seems to prevent him from wanting to touch you in a more physically intimate manner.

At the end of it, only he has these answers. Your communication seems good, keep that up. Don't pull away from him, give him all the hugs, kisses, cuddles, and types of affection you know he will accept, and accept any that he wishes to give. Remember that when seeking consent a no always trumps a yes and should always be considered an acceptable response, so relieving yourself through masturbation may be necessary if you have the need (and even that can be a partnered activity), because one's pleasure is never another's job or responsibility. It should only be their desire and delight. Don't place his hands directly on you (nope!), but instead ask if he'd like to touch you, and be prepared to accept a no if he gives it. Try to discover exactly what he's hesitant about or afraid of and do what you can to alleviate that worry or fear. You're a caring partner, a beautiful person, and a wonderful kitty-cat. You're allowed to want what you desire, that desire is valid, and if he wishes to show his affection for you as he already does in so many other ways, hopefully he would enjoy climbing that scale with you and realize how simple and delightful it can be to stroke you, pet you, and make you purr.

Good luck, but please realize that not all people are sexually compatible. It happens. The love, the closeness, the friendship, the intimacy, it can all be there... but the passion, that physical "fire" that romance novels speak of, that's what many on this forum lack or have a difficult time accessing. I hope things work out for the best for the both of you.

As always much love, take care, and above all be safe.

April 29, 2018

12 hours ago, CirothUngol said:

Hiya Windy... may I call you Windy?

First, please allow me to congratulate you on being such a good partner for your mate! To take the time to communicate and discover what he wants or needs, and to take the trouble to actually investigate these issues for the partnership's sake shows that you are patient, understanding, and wanting your union to be successful. He's truly fortunate to be allowed to share your intimacy like this, and I'm sure he knows it.

Please remember that these are just the opinions of a total stranger. My experiences may not directly reflect his own, but many of his behaviors seem to mirror my own when I first began affectionate touching in my early 30s. It may be helpful to examine his reasons for not wanting to touch you in a more intimate manner. Is he aware that sex needn't involve his genitals? He's open and liberal with hugs, kissing, cuddling, and holding, is there a specific reason he wouldn't want to caress you in a manner that is even more pleasing to you? When he rubs your feet, kisses your cheek, or brushes you hair, is that because he has a thing for feet, cheeks, or hair? Or is it because he loves feeling close to you, enjoys the way you feel under his fingers, and appreciates the way that you respond to his touch? Perhaps he doesn't yet understand the true longing you feel, the hunger you have to feel physically bonded with him, and the relative ease he may have in providing you with that. Perhaps he has yet to feel the delight that is your pleasure.

Always remember, coercion is unacceptable. Pressure is unacceptable. Touching or making someone touch you without open consent is unacceptable. If he decides that sex is something he simply doesn't ever want regardless of your wishes he gets to have that. We all do. However, I feel that you know that and are currently trying hard to understand why a man who loves you dearly wouldn't feel the immediate drive to be sexual with you. Even if he doesn't feel that drive or has chosen to ignore it, he should still be happy to touch you in a manner that is even more exciting and enjoyable to you. If he is asexual he may be sex-averse, but before we go attempting to slap labels everywhere I feel it would be most important to discover exactly why he's averse to more intimate forms of touching. He knows it's something that you desire, and if he's familiar with your anatomy or you don't mind showing him how to touch you, I'm unsure of what it is.

Personal theory time:

I don't consider sex, affection, or intimacy to be single things or even groups of things, but a sliding scale. On one end you have simple physical affections like hugs and hand-holding. On the other end are highly intimate forms such as full-body and orgasmic genital contact, with all of the different forms of physical intimacy lying between. There's already a point above zero on that scale that he's comfortable, even enthusiastic, about engaging with you in. If he enjoys holding your hand and kissing your lips, would he enjoy holding your ass and kissing your breasts? If you assure him that no actions ever have to lead to further actions up that scale he may be more inclined to enjoy them with you, especially if he truly loves bringing you pleasure. Assure him that a spontaneous erection on his part is never required for him to please you and show you that he cares and wants you to be fulfilled. If coital intercourse is problematic, don't do it. It's really that simple. There are so many other things that you could do together to feel pleasure with each other. No pressure. No hurry. It's just touching each other in a more intimate manner up a sliding scale, and no point on that scale should ever be considered an end-goal.

My personal secret was to learn to appreciate just how much my significant other craved my touch. I love her, adore her, and to deny her that would be cruel. I've easily learned to appreciate our intimate encounters because just as I enjoy her brilliant smile when I present her with a gift or the skip in her breath when I kiss her neck, I truly enjoy her responsive moans to my intimate touch and her labored breathing as she slowly coaxes to climax.

See, I've always been a cat person by nature, and I've openly compared her to one on many occasions, including our very first cuddle sessions. What do I get out of petting my cat? Sure she's soft, and lovely, and pleasing to the touch... but she loves it. My kitty simply loves it when I pet her! The enthusiasm of her pushing her head into my hand; arching her back as I run my hand down her spine; purring load enough to be heard on the other side of the room. That's why I do it. I love bringing pleasure to that little furball and her simple delighted reaction is all it takes for me to want to keep doing it.

My significant other is not a cat (anymore ^_^) and our relationship is infinitely richer and more complex than anything a mere pet has to offer, but I still physically adore her as one, love for my touch to bring her pleasure, and enjoy being the one that she has chosen to allow to touch her in a manner she finds so loving, pleasurable, and intimate. If he understands that there's no pressure for his genitals to perform and that touching you intimately would be safe, desired, and pleasing to you, then there must be another answer. His apparent desire to be intimate on the low end of the scale would tend to indicate that he's romantic, instead of aromantic, but even if asexual he doesn't appear sex-adverse, so something else seems to prevent him from wanting to touch you in a more physically intimate manner.

At the end of it, only he has these answers. Your communication seems good, keep that up. Don't pull away from him, give him all the hugs, kisses, cuddles, and types of affection you know he will accept, and accept any that he wishes to give. Remember that when seeking consent a no always trumps a yes and should always be considered an acceptable response, so relieving yourself through masturbation may be necessary if you have the need (and even that can be a partnered activity), because one's pleasure is never another's job or responsibility. It should only be their desire and delight. Don't place his hands directly on you (nope!), but instead ask if he'd like to touch you, and be prepared to accept a no if he gives it. Try to discover exactly what he's hesitant about or afraid of and do what you can to alleviate that worry or fear. You're a caring partner, a beautiful person, and a wonderful kitty-cat. You're allowed to want what you desire, that desire is valid, and if he wishes to show his affection for you as he already does in so many other ways, hopefully he would enjoy climbing that scale with you and realize how simple and delightful it can be to stroke you, pet you, and make you purr.

Good luck, but please realize that not all people are sexually compatible. It happens. The love, the closeness, the friendship, the intimacy, it can all be there... but the passion, that physical "fire" that romance novels speak of, that's what many on this forum lack or have a difficult time accessing. I hope things work out for the best for the both of you.

As always much love, take care, and above all be safe.

CirothUngol

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that to me. Tears fill my eyes as most all you have said I have tried. I can not imagine my life without him in it as he is such a kind man with such a good heart. I do love him, and I do know he loves me. I can not get past his block. I find my self now entering into a depression area to save his feelings, and the pain he will endure. However I can not be his sister, his mother, or care person. I need a partner in life. He needs a partner in life who feels the same. I do not want resentment but my heart aches. I am lonely, I am empty inside and I am turning to stone within. I am shoving myself away for my own desires not to be explored... God knows I love him. I am finding the words to speak to him is harder and harder. After the last conversation and seeing his head bowed down like a man defeated in battle and waiting for his head to be removed was more than I can bear to see it happen again. However that talk has to be said and it has to be done soon. He is realizing this may have been why his past relationships did not make it past 6 months. A marriage of 23 years failed because he feels this was the normal for everyone. For him it is... and I get that. I know nothing is wrong with him and nothing is wrong with me. We are two different. I could not more expect a relationship with him under these conditions as I would expect to make a gay person not gay. He is what he is. I am what I am. From what I see he resorts to defeat. He makes no attempt to find an equal ground to walk on. I was in those previous relationships, where I was left wanting, desiring and empty... I also have been celibate, and I can tell you, I rather be alone and lonely rather be with someone and feel so so alone. I am a person full of life and my life is being drained. I do not have many years on this earth left. I am not 24, 34, 44, I am in my late 50's, but so is he. Maybe it is too late to struggle the last days of my life and him to struggle the last days of his. I have tried all the above, but I get giggles, and oh he hurts (so I get excuses) and roll over to go to sleep.. but wake to such love, and attention with hugs and kiss's.. I rather him not touch me then to roll over and lay there awake with his eyes ignoring my own flames. I can not reach over to touch to caress him as he tenses, yet when we go to bed he cuddles me and hold me so close, and showers me with kiss's. For some that may be enough.. for me it... it makes me long to be more. Then I roll over and cry silent tears upon my pillow because there is nothing I can do or would do to make him feel my pain. It is not fair for me to complete him but he can not complete me. He is ok and satisfied because I give him what he needs and requires, yet I am left out of the equation? I can not pretend this is NORMAL for me. If he worked with me on it then that would be one thing, but to know he despises it as he is doing it is not fair to him either nor to me. I feel I am in a no win situation and to live my life in loneliness and emptiness with a hardening heart of going to motions but not being able to show emotions. I do love him, I love the way he smiles, the way he makes me feel secure, and protected. His laughter (but these days the laughter is less including my own out of fear).. We share the same dreams of life and enjoyments out side the bedroom. I am not a cheater, I will not seek fulfillment out side the home. I should not have to materbate to release my inter pain without it being enjoyed by both. He is fully capable to sustain a intimate relationship, but to him it not necessary though we have have talked about it. This is why I looked to understand more, to join a support group to help me understand and this is also way I thank you for taking the time to respond and offer me the above advise. I will do my best to continue to try, but I fear the worst is ahead and that is the heart breaking news that "I can not live the way he does". I do not live in a fantasy world of "Wild Orchid". Long story short I rather be alone and lonely than to be with someone and feel so very alone and empty as a person. I feel my life right now is just that. I have given my all in relationships.. and maybe there might be a common ground of problems which may involve me as the center problem? Maybe it is not him, but me.. but I will NOT blame myself! I am a good wife.. I do the cooking, cleaning and making the dinners, and dressing nice, and we laugh, and he never knows what will come out of me next. It is always an adventure with me, but with this, my adventure and zest for life seems to be thrown into a dungeon during the night time hours and day time I am pulled from the darkness and depths of hell to be shown sunlight again.. As I read this.. I hear me, me, me, me. I am sorry if that is what it sounds like. I am not him, so I can not speak for him. I just want anyone who reads this to know... I am going through all this because I do think of him, his needs, his desires that make him feel complete, happy, loved, cherished and to find the answers to make us an equal balance without selfishness on either part. The worst part is I feel he has lost me already, and I have lost the best thing that could HAVE been...

April 29, 2018

...I am so, so very sorry.

You've done a wonderful job as a caring partner. None of this was, is, or ever will be your or his fault. You seem to have done a great deal in an attempt to understand him and assist your partnership together, and it is both typical and healthy for you to desire what you do from him. As I read the above post I was crushed by your pain and I wish we could hug over the internet, but I also heard you, you, you... which is as it should be. You sound pained, hurt, and desperate enough to reach out for help in such a very big way. That's not exactly healthy, so you should think about you.

May I ask:

Has he ever expressed an interest in knowing why he doesn't enjoy greater forms of physical intimacy? I did.

Has he ever questioned this atypical asexual tendency and either sought counseling or educated himself about it? I did.

Has he expressed interest in exploring methods of showing even greater physical affection to the one he professes to love? I did.

I believe that your partner has some hard questions to answer for himself. What does he expect out of a relationship? Why did he get in one in the first place? Habit? Convenience? Because he's "supposed to", just like everyone else? Does he enjoy touching you at all? Are any of his affections genuinely real? If so, then why wouldn't he enjoy touching you just a little more? Even if his genitals are unresponsive, why doesn't he simply enjoy your pleasure?

Those are good questions for him to consider if he ever wishes to have a successful sexual partnership, but you don't have to hold his hand. You've already done a great deal, and it's his position to work towards that end if it's something he wishes to do. In my opinion, the impetus is on him. It was him that entered a sexual partnership knowing that sex was not something he wanted, and if he didn't know that was to be expected in such unions, he now does. Communication is always key on these issues. If he is indeed asexual then he falls into the ~1% bracket this forum is dedicated to, which I believe is atypical enough to warrant a mention sometime during the dating period. "I adore you and love expressing physical affection with you, but don't wish to engage in genital sex with you" should be a rather up-front statement before cohabiting, at least. If he wanted you as a platonic snuggle-buddy, that's great (they are!)... but he should have said so.

...but back to you, you, you. I truly hate to see it fall apart for you. You need to do what's right for you. We all do. If you need to dissolve this union, you should. Some people tend to think of frequency of sex, either too much or too little, is an incorrect or superficial reason for ending an intimate relationship, but I disagree. Some form of physically intimate connection is required by all of us, either whole bunches or not at all, and that special bond you have with an intimate partner must exist within a margin that is tolerable to you both. If he's ~~unwilling~~ not excited to explore with you a method of becoming intimate within your margin, then you really should seek that elsewhere.

I hate a crushing end, but he does seem to care for you, so perhaps a more platonic arrangement is in order.

No fault. No blame. You both need to do what's best for each other.

Condolences, much love, be safe.

April 29, 2018

Moving this to For Sexual Partners, Friends And Allies

Homer

Moderator Welcome Lounge

April 30, 2018

CirothUngol

Thank you again so much! This is just want I need to someone to talk to about this who understands the dilemma from both sides. Thank you. His own lack of being able to discuss is helpful from others who can discuss. To answer your questions from my prospective: No he did not indicate this in so many words. When we started speaking and dating, he informed me he had no issues with intimacy and all worked fine... He however did say he can take it or leave it and he respected woman not to abuse them. (Hmm ok.. maybe that was he way of telling me??? ).. I did not find this all out till my heart was fully vested, and he moved in lock stock and barrel so to speak. At first I thought it was me.. I was un attractive, all those questions running through my mind and all the why? Why did he not desire me, why was he making excuses for intimacy, but still wanted to cuddle, did he not know how I felt emotionally with him, what his touch did to me, how he his kiss's and affection throughout the day only made me want him more? Your question Number 1. Yes, he expressed only, he is not interested and never has been. He can take it or leave it. Question number 2. No.. He has not ever questioned it as it is normal for him, even though he was married for 23 years and since has been through many girl friends that would not last more than 6 months (one for a year and complained that she would not become intimate with him for over 8 months).. I have addressed the issues with him and mentioned to him I have started this support group, but there is no comment.. I ask him this morning, how had I been doing in not pushing the intimacy issue, and keeping my distance so that I was learning to try to disassociate my intimacy feelings and becoming celibate? He said, "Good". ( think from his point of view was from not pushing intimacy, not sure he heard anything else) I also told him I had joined a support group regarding this matter to better understand him and to get through this. There was no response or no questions regarding it. Question #3. NO and yes. I have tried to tell him that I would express my own needs and better ways to help him meet them. Such as to when he is ready, just come up and kiss me on the back of my neck, not to think sex was involved, but to show an interest in my own pleasure, or ways to touch me. Even on night I gave him a sensual massage and I would try to satisfy him through my touch only, but for him not to think sex was the outcome. It was for him to relax and enjoy.. He was not allowed to touch or kiss me (so that there was no mis communications). He loved the massage!

As far as seeking counseling for or to speak to someone the answers are no. We are early stages of him just realizing there is an issue and it could be a reason his past relationships did not work. The women holding out that there must be something wrong with them and when realizing he just could not meet their needs of a mate in a intimate way, then they moved on. I think the same with his wife, (he believes she was "CHEATING" and very well may have sought affection or intimacy from else where). His views on the women is they used him. If he were to leave my home today I am sure he would think the same towards me. We have shared many things.. He is a amazing man.

He wakes every morning and with a glee happy smile wishing me "Good Morning Honey!" and a quick kiss or four on the lips. Out of the blue through out the day, he walks up and gives me kiss's as well.. sometimes a deeper kiss but quickly pulls away. He will playfully grab my butt and giggle. He will even tease me by coming up behind me and wrap his arms around me, press his hips to my butt and do a few playful thrust against me and giggle, and walk away after a quick squeeze and kiss to the cheek. He tells me often through out the day, "Have I told you lately that I love you?" and then say's, "I do, very very very much!" with a quick kiss between each "very". This is all the time. If I sit down next to him, he is caressing my arm, or rubbing my back to ease my own muscles. (Which trust me I am not complaining about).. He will see I am getting tired and offer to tuck me in bed (strange for me but.. I take it as his way of being tender). While driving he reaches of to hold my hand or stroke my thigh. He opens doors for me everywhere and even before getting in the vehicle (a true gentle man). If I so much as grimace with any type of pain, he jumps and is so tender to help me with soft words and comfort. If I am cold he is quick to whiskey me to bed to cuddle me to get me warm, or offer me his jacket.

So as you can see.. What would someone who shows me that sort of affection should have anything to complain about?

It is when we go to bed! He pulls me into him to cuddle tight and snuggly, he likes my back up against him and my butt cradled against his manhood, but there is not response from it. His arms wrapped around my waist, but he will not touch me anywhere else. He will not fondle, and this is perfect for him, while my insides aches to be touched with the same emotions and tenderness from the day. When he turns over he again snuggles up against me and will place his arm over to touch my hips and softly touch it.. but that is it. I am not or should not respond to his touch except say "this is nice." He does tell me he loves me before drifting off to sleep. We have had pillow talks, and he does like to cradle me (my face to his chest), but I am not allowed to touch anywhere, but to lay my hand upon his stomach. I can not move my hand in a loving tender touch towards him at any given time.

So I have been learning, to let him cuddle for a short bit, and then I pull away... I no longer cuddle his chest, because some times I just can not help but want to touch and feel him under and hands to softly run my hands over his chest, but he quickly places his hand over mine to stop any form of touch. He said it tickles and not to do that. He will not go without clothes to bed! EVER! The only time I can touch him on his thigh is when we are driving or sitting on the sofa watching TV, but my hand can only be placed there just not soft tender touch, and he will pull me closer into him. If I initiate a sensual response he grimaces and flinches, with "OH my hand hurts and with draws and rubs his hand, or he gets a cramp in his leg and pulls away to massage, or mysterious pain in his side, and that list can go on and on.

The reason I am telling this all to you and for those who may read it... Is maybe someone can identify with what I am going through.

So for now what am I doing? I am keeping my distance! I let him initiate and accept only what he is will to give. I am trying to separate my own desires and needs and seeing if I can become celibate again while being with him, but that is so hard! To be so close and in love, but I am not allowed to touch or explore. While my insides are aching! To be shown such affection through out the day time hours, but when it comes to night time, only to get a hold on too person. That I can not express with a kiss out of fear he thinks it will lead to sex.. I even joked and him told him things that pleases me, and if he could ease into them. such as placing his hand up on my breast. Just hold caress me, but his hand goes there and it might as well be on my stomach and no movement (NO fondling), NOTHING. I told him where I liked to be touched even if he did not want pleasure for himself. His response was, laughter.. and no.. he has not attempted. I have tried to express the needs of a woman.. but he said he "just never have been that way". I offered to teach him, those excuses come up!

So again I trying to dis associate my self from my own needs. I am turning away more and more and I think he see's it.. but weather he cares or not I do not know..

I know it is hard to be in my shoes, and eventually I need to make a decision. I do not want to give up on him, yet I do not think the is willing to go that extra mile to make this work? I do not think he thinks it is a big issue though I have tried to tell him, and yet his bows his head down in defeat! That yet another woman bits the dust and used him and he does not understand why...

I am trying to find things that work and that is why I am here.. To learn and understand and make that equal balance to asexual and sexual relationship. I am trying not to rush it or make haste decisions.. To find out more of what makes a asexual tick and their boundaries to coexist. Then there are times you can love someone so much yet is just not meant to be. If in the long run, that I can help him become aware of this that maybe he will be willing to put for the effort and seek counseling to help me and as I am trying to understand and work to make this work and help him. However I also understand he may not need fixing, it is the way he is, and maybe I need the fixing? Or maybe I do not need the fixing! I do not know. Right now I can just use all the help I can get to love this man and not let resentment enter into the picture. To not fully with draw. I should not have to masterbate! I can not do it with him next to me, as he has no interest. ( I tried that once). I have a mate! He is capable of making love, but only when HE is ready and sees fit. In the mean time I have to bury my emotions, feelings and desires. I am an opposite, I have to shut down completely as to not awaken those feelings. Where is the right in all this as a mate to mate?

Thank you again for listening and offering support and guidance! Wind, Windy, WindinherhairCAS, Tricia

April 30, 2018

Everyone is different. For many sexual people sex is vital to happiness in a relationship - they can no more change that then an asexual person can become interested in sex.

This can lead to horrible misery in long term mixed relationships - with each party constantly hoping things will "improve" - but of course those hopes are in opposite direction.

I've been trapped in this situation for a 30 year marriage. Don't make my mistake.

May 2, 2018

Could you say: “I would love it, if you tried to give me an orgasm”?

If he rubs your muscles, your body will feel destressed. If he rubs yourprivate parts, you migth feel less stress in your mind.

May 2, 2018

Even with mutual agreements about how sex is primarily for my sake, it is hard/difficult to say: “look, we skipped a session. Are you okay with doing me tonigth? You decide your level of participation.”

May 5, 2018

Hiya WIndy! I hate that you still need to be here searching for answers (instead of hanging out and havin' some cake), but I'm glad that you are if it's still answers you seek. I was highly touch-adverse until my 30s and had some similar reactions to my initial attempts at touching others, however my personal experience on this matter seem to differ. I slowly learned to touch and to trust another's touch through small affections like the ones he already so often wishes to indulge in. Mine was a gradual increase to greater forms of intimacy, stymied periodically by a loss of trust or a lack of assurance that my actions or intentions toward my partner were desired and not harmful, but otherwise a slow steady increase without reverting only to previous forms. Through the methods I've posted earlier, I learned to engage sexually with my partner in a rather vicarious fashion, but I was touch-adverse, not sex-repulsed.

It seems that he and I are coming at this from different angles.

I believe that you and I both know where the answer lies. Research is great, advice is good, learning and knowing more about the possibilities so you can ask the right questions is important... but only he can actually answer these questions. May I ask:

During all this, does he seem rather ambivalent and disengaged regarding your questioning of the matter?

Has he ever given any reasoning for his actions or lack thereof? Is he afraid, repulsed, annoyed, unsure, uninterested?

When you question him does he get angry, or sad, or simply shut down and get quiet?

Does he seem to notice that you're suffering? That his actions may be hurting you?

Look, I'm still researching all of this asexuality stuff myself, and so far some of it seems to ring true, especially for me, but please remember that there's an entire host of possible reasons for the complications you've described in your partnership. If truly asexual, his inclination for physical sexual intimacy toward all genders would be the same as a heterosexual woman's toward another woman (ie. little to no inclination).

Does that seem to describe him?

Has he given any thought to or offered any input on the matter?

Does he genuinely know that intimate sexual contact is required for the well-being of you and your partnership?

Does he realize that without communication he's risks pushing you away, fostering resentment, or losing you?

There's a root to this issue that he needs to assist in finding. He needs to talk with you, even talk with himself, if a solution is going to be found. Is he of an orientation that is not sexually attracted to women? Does he have a physical arousal/reaction issue? Did he experience childhood trauma? Discovering the issue, admitting it, and owning it would be the best next step not only for you, but for himself. You deserve to know the truth as he knows it so that you can make the best decision for you.

I hope he chooses to try and speak with you about it in an earnest attempt to share himself openly and honestly with you. I see so often here at AVEN partners lost in an attempt to rectify a hard situation, to save the love they feel and the hope they share for a partner. I was once lost as it seems he may well be, but when another who chose to love me opened the door with kindness and held it with patience as I slowly learned to navigate my way through intimacy, I chose to cross that threshold, to trust her assistance, and to make the effort to learn to accept her love as the gift she intended it to be.

Best wishes. Much love. Be safe.

May 15, 2018

I really thought we were going to make head way... Was there an early child hood trauma? Yes.. Does he get sad when I talk to him about it.. When I get really serious yes.. He bows his head and does not speak.. I explain it is not fair to me to deny me while his satisfactions are being met. Trust me I am kind and gentle.. I try to get him to speak but he does not.. NOW here is the kicker.. So a few days ago.. I noticed he was on his phone out side.. I also noticed that he seems to say oh he found something on ebay.. or CL.. and laughs.. He knows I really am not interested.. (He is a Ebay king! LOL) .. However everytime I walked out side he put his phone down.. when I walked back inside he would pick it back up and speak into his phone.. like answering a text message by voice (he is not a good speller and does this often when searching things)... This went on for over an hour and half.. I fixed his dinner.. he had worked on my transmission and I had not really took it for a good test drive.. So I went out.. gave him a kiss, told him I was going for a quick drive with a smile.. Told him not to stress to continue his conversation and I did not mean to interrupt. He messaged me saying if I was accusing him of talking to someone we were done. I was shocked.. Said he was searching things on EBAY, and CL.. Sorry but you actually look for things not sit and wait for a message and laugh at reading it.. and then respond back.. So I took it as my bad.. apologized..etc.. and later he calmed down and apologized too.. Then tonight I go out side for a amazing night out as the weather is beautiful... I asked him to join me.. he said the chair out side would not do his back any good.. I had already started texting him love notes.. LOL.. of how much I loved him and some sense of humor things on his phone.. I was about to send one.. when I walked up to the window to knock on it.. to surprise him.. he was sitting on the couch on his phone looking at naked women's photos... scrolling through them.. some being I think live? This was a pretty quick look.. I walked away sort of shocked.. So I waited about 10 min mauling things over in my head of did I see what I thought I saw.. So I walked back and still he is on the same site and was speaking into his phone.. I came in side and he set is phone down.. and pretty much the same as when I thought he had been speaking to someone.. I went back out side.. waited.. and he was on the same site again.. So now I am wondering is he Asexual??? Or is he repulsed of me?? I questioned him once before when I was trying to understand all this... but he continues to say it is not me.. (even though I am heavy set).. so not greatest of bodies.. yet here he is looking at sexy women??? I am so dang confused now.. I am about ready to show him the door.. No he does not get sexually aroused when I try to reach and touch him.. The few times we have had intimacy, it has taken him a very long time and loads of work on my part to get him to an erection.. Yet tonight I find this..??? Please help me understand.. I am dying here. I told him I am trying to go back to a life of celibacy so I do not pressure him.. He has not touched me what so ever since we have been together, unless I initiate it and even if I place his hands on me he lets them sit.. he does not explore. I just do not get it!!!