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Sad Gray Ace

Sexual Husband wants more

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Sad Gray Ace

Hi All

 

I am very new to this forum so please bare with me.

 

I think I am Asexual. I have been married for 15 years and I have never been into sex. My husband is now over it. We have fought often over the years about the same topic. He loves me I love him we have 2 beautiful children and a wonderful life except for the sex topic. The last few weeks have been explosive. He wants more and I can not give it to him. We are both getting counselling but I am at the stage of my life that I just don't want to do it anymore.

 

I have used alcohol to "get me in the mood" and make it easier on myself during the process but I am over that too. I suffer from depression in part to this and the fights that go with it.

 

He wants to make it work, wants to be happy with me. I want him to be happy and I know I can not make him happy in that way.

 

What would you suggest??

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Mary Lambert

Would you be ok if he had a girlfriend?

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Sad Gray Ace
1 hour ago, Mary Lambert said:

Would you be ok if he had a girlfriend?

I don't think he would want to do that and I would prefer to break up than have him have a girlfriend. Plus very confusing for the kids who are still young.

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Sally

There is nothing you or he can do that will make you want sex (and that includes counseling), and there is nothing he or you can do that will make him not want sex.  If there's no compromise possible, you two need to talk about whether it's reasonable to discuss working out a different kind of relationship -- possibly where you are friends and co-parents but not sexual/marriage partners.  

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CBC

It sounds like perhaps this is not a salvageable relationship. If him seeking sex elsewhere is not an option and you're both as distressed by the situation as it sounds, and counselling is not proving helpful... I'm not sure what other options you have unless one of you is prepared to be quite miserable. Which is not a great choice for one's wellbeing.

 

I'm glad to hear you're not doing the alcohol thing anymore. Been there, done that myself. Not for the same reason as you since I'm not asexual, but I know what it's like to "need" to drink in order to make sex palatable. Or more just to make your brain shut up and temporarily ditch its own thoughts.

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bobowag

Hi there, I'm not an expert or anything and I know you've already probably tried this but you might just want to sit down and have a talk with him. If you believe that you are truly asexual, then you should try and explain that to him. I know that me writing this down seems a lot easier than for you to actually confront him about your sexuality, but I feel like if you did this, he would be able to better understand you and maybe not pressure you into having sex so much. You have to make him see that you cannot make him happy in that way even though he wants you to. I believe that if you two truly want to work things out, then he should be understanding enough to support you through this decision. If all goes well, then you should be able to reach a compromise of some sort between you two that will satisfy you both. Maybe if you are demisexual and you only would be willing to have sex once you've connected to a person on an emotional level, the person being your husband. Anyway I hope this helps and that everything works out for you :)

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uhtred

There is no solution. If he is a typical sexual, then he cannot be happy without an active sex life though he might pretend.  You can’t be happy with an active sex life- though you might pretend.  You will both end up miserable. 

 

Ive tried for over 30 years. Please don’t make my mistake.  

 

You our will not be doing your children a favor. You will just teach them what an unhappy marriage looks like. 

 

Im sorry to be blunt

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NapoliGirl
6 hours ago, uhtred said:

Ive tried for over 30 years. Please don’t make my mistake.  

I'm with uhtred on this.  Don't make my mistake, either.

Compromise?  Well, maybe but I truly think deep down over time it leads to resentment.

That will erode the relationship even more; resentment is toxic.

Let's say you put more time and supreme effort into making this somehow work.  And for a while it does.  Then things explode.  

Think about it.....most probably isn't sustainable.

 

 

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Traveler40

Hi, I’m sorry it’s so tough for both of you. There is no simple answer here as you know. You have 2 young children, a 15 year history and no good compromise in sight.  I get it - I have a similar circumstance.  It’s easy to tell the younger, unencumbered folks just starting out in a new relationship to cut bait and run.  In our case, it’s more complicated.  You have 4 main options at your disposal, what works?  Only you two can figure it out.

 

1. Compromise (hasn’t worked well for you)

2. Celibacy - Doesn’t work for him

3. Open your relationship - ?

4. Divorce 

 

Those are your options.  Communicate through it all and work together for your kids in whatever you two decide.  This problem isn’t going away. I’m glad you’re here and communicating however tough.

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Mary Lambert

Dear Sad Gray,

Many of the Allos with kids might feel the same. We wish you the best, but you might be hurting him very much if you do not open your relationship. The kids do not have to know. And you can have the best of both worlds. I think it is so hard for the Allos to understand, why the Ace spouse will not be ok with the other having another partner for things you cannot provide. To the Allo in the relationship it may seems so beyond selfish, but I am sure you are a good person, as my husband is. You may think everything else you do will make up for that lacking, but I don't believe it ever will. He may resent you, (so don't be surprised if he is always mad at you) or he may cheat and you will never know. It sounds like divorce is not an option, and I applaud that. Good Luck.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, Mary Lambert said:

Dear Sad Gray,

Most of the Allos feel the same. We wish you the best, but you are hurting him very much if you do not open your relationship. The kids do not have to know. And you can have the best of both worlds. I think it is so hard for the Allos to understand, why the Ace spouse will not be ok with the other having another partner for things you cannot provide. To the Allo in the relationship it seems so beyond selfish, but I am sure you are a good person, as my husband is. You may think everything else you do will make up for that lacking, but it never will. He will resent you, (so don't be surprised if he is always mad at you) or he will cheat and you will never know. It sounds like divorce is not an option, and I applaud that. Good Luck.

It's just as selfish to put your own sexual needs first by finding someone else to screw if your partner would be hurt by that (the OP already said she wouldn't be comfortable with opening the relationship). You say it seems 'so beyond selfish' if someone cannot desire sex (not their fault) but would be deeply unhappy by their partner screwing someone else, yet it's just as beyond selfish to go and screw someone else knowing that would hurt your partner because it's *not their fault they can't desire sex*. If they did want it and were holding back out of spite or something that's completely different, but you suggesting the OPs feelings are selfish and suggesting her husband combat that by another act of selfishness is just childish. Very different if both partners are very comfortable with opening the relationship of course, but you're only going to cause more pain if you go and do something like that if your partner would be hurt by it. When it comes to that kind of stand-off, it's better to break up than just tear another person apart by screwing someone else while in a relationship with them.

 

"You're hurting him very much by not opening the relationship" would just be flipped to "he's hurting her very much by having another girlfriend to bang" so how does that solve anything? It's just rude imply the OP is intentionally causing her husband pain after she specifically said she couldn't be comfortable with the idea of him having a bit of skirt on the side.

 

Implying the OP is selfish is totally unwarranted. She's here trying to figure this out which is a great start. I wish you all the best @Sad Gray Ace, and just so we're clear, being uncomfortable with the idea of opening the relationship is not at all selfish. You're clearly innately romantically monogamous and that's absolutely fine, so am I so I know how it feels. I hope things can work out for you in a way that doesn't lead to more long-term pain for either you or your husband, you're clearly a very caring person and you deserve happiness :3 :cake:

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uhtred

No ones fault but misery all around. 

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Telecaster68
8 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

It's just as selfish to put your own sexual needs first by finding someone else to screw if your partner would be hurt by that (the OP already said she wouldn't be comfortable with opening the relationship). You say it seems 'so beyond selfish' if someone cannot desire sex (not their fault) but would be deeply unhappy by their partner screwing someone else, yet it's just as beyond selfish to go and screw someone else knowing that would hurt your partner because it's *not their fault they can't desire sex*. If they did want it and were holding back out of spite or something that's completely different, but you suggesting the OPs feelings are selfish and suggesting her husband combat that by another act of selfishness is just childish. Very different if both partners are very comfortable with opening the relationship of course, but you're only going to cause more pain if you go and do something like that if your partner would be hurt by it. When it comes to that kind of stand-off, it's better to break up than just tear another person apart by screwing someone else while in a relationship with them.

 

"You're hurting him very much by not opening the relationship" would just be flipped to "he's hurting her very much by having another girlfriend to bang" so how does that solve anything? It's just rude imply the OP is intentionally causing her husband pain after she specifically said she couldn't be comfortable with the idea of him having a bit of skirt on the side.

 

Implying the OP is selfish is totally unwarranted. She's here trying to figure this out which is a great start. I wish you all the best @Sad Gray Ace, and just so we're clear, being uncomfortable with the idea of opening the relationship is not at all selfish. You're clearly innately romantically monogamous and that's absolutely fine, so am I so I know how it feels. I hope things can work out for you in a way that doesn't lead to more long-term pain for either you or your husband, you're clearly a very caring person and you deserve happiness :3 :cake:

I agree both things would be selfish.

 

However - one of them is already happening. One of them is not already happening.

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MrDane

@Sad Gray Ace To me, the sexual partner, and I think to her as well, it has somewhat helped to first acknowledge the difference and how there is nothing to do to turn her on. 

We have put things in a schedule and I try to focus on it like her giving me a massage with a happy ending, done out of love. I relax more. I know when I get some. Occasionally, she is okay with and even enjoys me touching her back. Some days is just for me. I do occasionally fear that it is a sign of permanent decline, if she one time participates enthusiastic and next time not so much. It has also made her relax more about me touching her, because she no longer has to interpret whether I am starting a foreplay or just giving her a friendly kiss. She just has to look at the calendar.

 

 

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James121
On 27/04/2018 at 8:27 AM, Sally said:

There is nothing you or he can do that will make you want sex (and that includes counseling), and there is nothing he or you can do that will make him not want sex.  If there's no compromise possible, you two need to talk about whether it's reasonable to discuss working out a different kind of relationship -- possibly where you are friends and co-parents but not sexual/marriage partners.  

I would tend to agree with this idea and maybe he should be given the green light to have sex with other people so that the marriage isn’t just based around one persons preferences. 

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uhtred

Its tough.

No or minimal sex:  Sexual person is suffering

Minimal or more sex: Asexual person is suffering.

 

Open marriage: Sexual person may still be unhappy. Asexual person is unhappy, or suffering.

 

Divorce:  Initially both suffer.  Sexual person finds it easier to find a partner (there are more sexuals), and soon is very happy. Asexual person, especially if older, may find it difficult to find a new life partner - there just aren't that many asexuals.

 

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Thea2
17 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

... being uncomfortable with the idea of opening the relationship is not at all selfish. You're clearly innately romantically monogamous and that's absolutely fine ... 

This. 

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InariYana

I'd just... let the sexual partner go and divorce, however hard and heartbreaking this may be. But that's just me (I decided to divorce my ex husband years ago... in the end we're both happier now, we also co-parent). I know having children complicates the situation massively... there may be financial issues as well. It's a major life-changing event and a shock to the system.

 

Compromise is rarely a stable thing - sexual partner may want more, may want to "spice it up", may push and push, expect more enthusiasm, more desire, more variety. You may want to skip scheduled sex sometime and they'll go all huffing and puffing, this may again escalate to fights... I've been there, too many times.

Even in relationships between 2 sexual people, one may start wanting let's say a threesome and the other will find the idea horrible, one may want sex once a week, the other every day. Sex is (sadly) such a massive thing and not just in allo/ace relationships.    

 

Being in ace/ace relationship would take all this trouble out of the equation. Topic of sex vanishes, no expectation, no pressure. None of that ever, again... sounds great to me! There's none of that pressure in friendships either.

Sadly, we know how it looks like in reality, finding another ace partner. 

 

I understand open relationships are not for everyone (certainly not for me). For some people opening a relationship diminishes connection between them and their partner, they don't feel that special any more, romantic element really suffers and they find each other drifting apart or sometimes the sexual person jumps straight into a monogamous relationship with someone new (this happened to my friend, a sexual guy whose wife pestered him massively to open up their relationship for the sake of variety). People who say "well, just open up a relationship, you're selfish" using the same tone as "well, just buy a different flavour ice cream" have no idea.  

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ryn2
23 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

This. 

Agreed.  If both people are naturally poly and yet the asexual partner is refusing to let the sexual partner look for other partners, *that’s* selfish.  If either partner is naturally monogamous, that’s a whole different situation.

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Traveler40

I am naturally monogamous at the core, but given the options available after finding myself (unknowingly) married to an asexual man, life became exceedingly more grey.  It’s complicated as most of us know.

 

Frankly, opening my relationship was the only way to save my otherwise wonderful family unit.  It has not been without complications, but I disagree it’s inherently a “monogamous/non-monogamous” type of argument. I see folks say this at times and generally don’t comment on it as it’s perspective, yet it’s not that simple and shouldn’t be deemed as such IMHO.

 

Succintly, monogamy is not a black and white thing as it generally seems to be framed here when options are narrowed down to a few unworkable choices for some mixed couples.

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ryn2

That makes sense, @Traveler40.  I suppose none of us really know what lies ahead.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
4 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I am naturally monogamous at the core, but given the options available after finding myself (unknowingly) married to an asexual man, life became exceedingly more grey.  It’s complicated as most of us know.

 

Frankly, opening my relationship was the only way to save my otherwise wonderful family unit.  It has not been without complications, but I disagree it’s inherently a “monogamous/non-monogamous” type of argument. I see folks say this at times and generally don’t comment on it as it’s perspective, yet it’s not that simple and shouldn’t be deemed as such IMHO.

 

Succintly, monogamy is not a black and white thing as it generally seems to be framed here when options are narrowed down to a few unworkable choices for some mixed couples.

When I say 'naturally innately monogamous' I mean being monoamorous and incapable of seeking intimcy with another person while emotionally bound to someone.

 

I'm not the best example, but I'm not asexual and my partner is 11,000 miles away. The most beautiful man in the world could offer me sex tomorrow and I would very happily turn him down even though doing so means I will remain in total celibacy, because I am physically incapable of desiring intimacy with anyone other than the person I am bound to emotionally. If I DID start developing a desire to be intimate with someone else, I would at that point say "well I thought I was innately monogamous but clearly I'm not - I do have the ability to desire more than one person at once and I'd just previously never realized this desire".

 

You can't claim innate monogamy though if you then say you could experience desire for someone other than the person you're bound to emotionally because it goes against what people mean when they talk about innate monogamy. Your statement also undermines people who ARE truly innately monogamous because it makes it sound like if they really wanted to save their relationship they would bite the bullet and fuck someone else, or allow their partner to fuck someone else - but the whole point is that that is *impossible* for a truly innately monogamous person without extreme emotional distress, suffering, and pain.

 

Monogamy in the cultural context is very different, that's just a practice many people believe in and try to stick to while at the same time innately being more polyamorous (which the vast majority of people are). For most, it's belief systems that bind them to monogamy and as a result, many people end up cheating or at least becoming tempted to cheat because innately they're not mono. But innate monogamy isn't something that can be changed and can't be 'broken' without so much pain and distress that people like this often just end up giving in and giving their partner sex regardless of how much they don't want it OR ending the relationship because the idea of their partner being with someone else is just too painful.

 

Innate monogamy is pretty rare, most people who claim to be monogamous only *believe strongly* in the cultural practice of monogamy while actually being innately polyamorous (capable of desireing romantic and/or sexual intimacy with more than one person at a time).

 

So anyway yeah, being solely monoamorous combined with an ability to only desire sexual intimacy with the one person you're emotionally bound to is what I was referring to in my comments about innate monogamy. I'd just like to clarify though that I have no issue with polyamory and think many relationships would be a lot healthier and happier if innately poly people weren't trying to force themselves (and be forced by cultural expectations) into monogamy they don't truly innately desire (as long as their partner is also innately poly of course!!).

 

Apologies if this comment is all over the place, I had to write it on my phone while cooking breakfast so it may be a bit of a mess.

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vega57
22 hours ago, ryn2 said:

That makes sense, @Traveler40.  I suppose none of us really know what lies ahead.

...which is why, whenever I hear/read about how a sexual went on to find someone who is "more compatible" with their sexuality, I *cringe* when they talk about how "happy" they are.  Once again, they're in the throws of a new relationship, where everything is exciting.  I think to myself, "Just give it a few years and THEN come back and tell us if you're still "happy" with your 'new' partner."  I've seen sexuals who are over the moon about getting all the sex they want...for the first year or two...then they get re-married based on how much sex they've been getting (because they believe that it 'should' be consistent for the rest of their lives), only to find out that their 'new' partner also doesn't want sex all that much after a few years.  Hence, the sexual winds up right back where they started from!  

 

Alas, Ryn, you're right:  None of us really does know what lies ahead!  

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ryn2

Yeah, it has to be hard to know what will work out for the best in the long run and what won’t.  If a partner is abusive or has intractable mental health issues that are jeopardizing both parties it may be pretty clear... but in situations where it’s tolerable but perfect there’s always the devil-you-know-or-devil-you-don’t question.

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Telecaster68
38 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Once again, they're in the throws of a new relationship, where everything is exciting.  I think to myself, "Just give it a few years and THEN come back and tell us if you're still "happy" with your 'new' partner."  I've seen sexuals who are over the moon about getting all the sex they want...for the first year or two...

I wouldn't say I cringe but I have much the same thoughts when I read asexuals saying how their new sexual partner is fine with having no sex so it's all going to be fine. That's maybe a bit more predicable though. 

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Serran
On 4/28/2018 at 6:11 AM, James121 said:

I would tend to agree with this idea and maybe he should be given the green light to have sex with other people so that the marriage isn’t just based around one persons preferences. 

People can't just "give the green light" on that if they are not OK with it.

 

If a compromise cannot be reached and both aren't OK with non-monogamy, breaking up is the best way to go. Even if it's a marriage. Even if there are kids involved. Making oneself absolutely and completely miserable for the other, on either side, is not healthy for the relationship or the children that have to grow up with miserable parents who resent each other. 

 

Non-monogamy is great... if it's a workable compromise or something both parties are into. It's an awful idea if it's not something both can agree to. Worse than the sexual incompatibility and much more likely to blow up any semblance of positive feeling the relationship has left. I tried non-monogamy one time with a partner who was naturally poly and the second another person became an interest for him, it actually made me sick to my stomach to even get a hug or kiss from him, like I was kissing someone else's husband or my brother or something. I stopped being able to share his bed and my mom let me stay with her until he could move out. I wasn't even mad at him and I had tried to be open to it, but it just felt so wrong that it was physically making me ill even thinking about being near him. I just can't do non-monogamy, it's repulsive and impossible to me, even though I agree with it in theory (logically, one person cannot fulfill every need another person has, even if they are super compatible and nothing should be worse than anything else people do with friends) and have zero moral objections to it. My nature just won't accept it though. And when I am with someone, I can't even be fleetingly attracted to another person. 

 

OP: It sounds like this might be a thing you cannot bridge. If he needs you to want him and you don't want him that way, there isn't much you can do about it. You can compromise in other ways, but it doesn't sound like it will fulfill him in the ways he needs. Edit: Which, btw, is no ones fault. It's just you're not compatible in this realm and have different needs. Most people bridge this by the asexual offering some sexual activities happily, but if you're at the point you can't take it anymore, I wouldn't suggest pushing yourself. 

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ryn2

Does anyone have thoughts on why - assuming no sex repulsion - compromising is workable for some couples and not for others?  Are there characteristics of one or both parties that make it more or less likely to work? 

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ryn2
28 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I wouldn't say I cringe but I have much the same thoughts when I read asexuals saying how their new sexual partner is fine with having no sex so it's all going to be fine. That's maybe a bit more predicable though. 

We do some sexuals on AVEN saying the same thing about their (new/newish) mixed relationships... would be interesting to see if they continue to feel the same over time or virtually all eventually change their minds.

 

Then again the majority of even first marriages end in divorce so I suppose the odds aren’t great regardless of orientation match/mismatch.

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Telecaster68
6 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Does anyone have thoughts on why - assuming no sex repulsion - compromising is workable for some couples and not for others?  Are there characteristics of one or both parties that make it more or less likely to work? 

My guess is that it's nothing to do with orientation, just that some people are more accommodating than others. 

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MrDane
20 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

My guess is that it's nothing to do with orientation, just that some people are more accommodating than others. 

Rigth! And sometimes it is just whether a person is able to be happy about settling for less than hoped for. And others want to pursue as much happiness as possible.

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