31M trying to wrap my head around 28F GF and whether she’s Asexual

[Chris R]

Hello everyone, first post here. I’m a 31M sexual who’s been dating a 28F who believes she might be asexual. We started dating in about 5 months ago after being very close friends for 10 years. I had gotten out of a 4 year relationship a few months before that. We lived together almost the entire time and we probably had sex about every 10 days on average. My current GF hasn’t been in a relationship in 9 years and hasn’t had sex in 5 or 6 years. She lost her virginity to her last boyfriend 9 years ago while under the influence, had sex the next morning and decided she either wasn’t comfortable or didn’t like it and they did not have sex again and broke up a few weeks later. She met a guy online whom she travelled to meet a few years later, they had sex, but he was a creeper and she did not have a great experience that time either. She is a very lively outgoing person who is known for being very open to making out whether that be with boys or girls. I’ve witnessed her making out with at least 25 people since I’ve known her. She even has quite a few sex toys and openly talks about watching porn. This is part of what caused much surprises when she told me she was convinced she’s asexual and feels discomfort with sex. A month into the relationship she gave me oral sex and without too much detail she was very very into it, more so by far than anyone who’s ever done that for me before. The next day she couldn’t stop talking about how much of a turn on it was for her. I had the pleasure of receiving that from her one more time a week or so later and then nothing else in the next few weeks (I didn’t push the issue since she hadn’t been sexually active in a long time). About a month after that her older sister suffered a traumatic brain injury and she visited her out of state for 11 out of the next 14 days. The second time she was out there she was less responsive with texts and I feared she wanted to end the relationship. When I saw her next she did just that. We talked it out to the point where she revealed that the entire reason was because of the pressure and discomfort of having sex. She had me get an STI check and she got on birth control about a week before that. We decided to try to work it out under the condition that there’s no guarantee that we will ever have intercourse and that oral sex isn’t a guarantee or would be like a special occasion. I revealed to her that I’ve been struggling with depression on and off and loneliness for a while and so she suggested I seemed therapy to talk my issues out with someone (context: I work somewhere where I’m by myself half the day, just with my boss half the day and I live alone in a studio apartment, me and my current GF see each other about 3 times a week due to her working an hour away from me). My therapist told me that he’s not exactly sure what to think of the situation and that society today is quick to put labels on people which causes people to say “oh I must be that so I’ll read up on that to understand how I am” instead of just following their instinct of who they want to be. He thought that if I love her (which I do, more than anyone I’ve ever been in a relationship with before, including healthy sexual relationships which lasted years), that I should just be patient and try to focus on the good and maybe she’ll decide she’s comfortable to give it a shot. Last night as I was leaving her place she said oh yeah I’m getting off birth control because I’ve had 3 periods in a month. I asked why she was still on it in the first place which she replied in case something changed where she decided she wanted to have sex and that she talked to her sister who told her there’s no reason to take it when it doesn’t line up with who you fundamentally are. Now I’ve been having a pretty ok time dealing with the situation since then but last night this really spun my brain out a bit. I’m new to trying to understand asexuality and I don’t want to sound insensitive to her or anyone who fully understands it or themselves but I have a hard time believing that she’s fundamentally asexual. I feel like between the outspoken excitement and arousal over giving oral sex, making out very often, being someone who loves porn etc that she feels uncomfortable due to how long it’s been, the fact that she dated someone who was crazy and insensitive and the other guy being a creeper, that those are causing discomfort and pressure to have sex and that it’s not necessarily that she’s asexual. Am I wrong for thinking that? I love her and have respected her feelings enough that I haven’t brought it up whatsoever. In fact the only time sex comes up is when someone says something unintentionally kinky and funny and she claims to whomever around that that’s what we should say when we have sex. I’m in such a hard place to decide what to do, I desperately want to make things work and at the same time I can’t see myself being in a relationship where I’ll never have sex again when I’m a sexual person who’s sexual attracted to someone I love. Any responses are greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening.

[Telecaster68]

Could you put some paragraphing in to make it possible to read, please?

[Olidoodly]

The only person who can tell what she is is her ( I know not very helpful). Plus she might not quite know. We’re brought up in such a sexual society it’s kind of hard to differentiate what you’ve been taught to be and who you truly are. Personally I’m still trying to figure that out and I guess it’s must be confusing for a partner. Also you have to keep in mind ace is a spectrum. She might be ok with some sexual acts but not crave, want or need sex. The best would be to talk it out with her. Discuss both of your needs and limits. Not bringing it up will not help, you’ll end up being frustrated.

[Traveler40]

15 hours ago, Chris R said:

....and at the same time I can’t see myself being in a relationshipj where I’ll never have sex again when I’m a sexual person who’s sexual (sic) attracted to someone I love.

Hi Chris, you said it yourself above. It all boils down to that point. I understand she seems sexual at times, I also understand she self identifies as asexual. Meanwhile, the added noise of unrelated stresses may seemingly give you reason to hope for change - it likely won’t.  Why not love her as a friend and move on romantically?  You’re too young and aware to assign yourself to a virtually sexless existence.