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Do ACE's try more than Allos to pretend every thing is OK?


Mary Lambert

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To answer the question in your title: No, I don't need to pretend that everything is okay bc well.. everything is okay? Nothing wrong with not being sexually attracted to anyone :') It's different but I like different

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Ye gods, anyone has the right to attempt a relationship with anyone else.  The two people involved are the decisionmakers, not a bunch of randos on the internet. 

 

Re asexuals not being distracted, when I developed a strong aesthetic attraction to and fell  in love with my partner, I was distracted as hell.  Everyone could see that (which I knew because they told me).   I didn't know about asexuality then (no one did), and thought I'd eventually "get" the sexual stuff if I kept trying.  I was neither in denial, nor was I keeping a secret.  The dime only dropped years later when I read about asexuality.  


So was that a young blonde woman, a mature blonde woman, or an older blonde woman? 
From my vantage point, she looks like a teenager.  

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12 minutes ago, CBC said:

Hey, I'm just going with what a reverse image search called it! :P She doesn't look particularly old to me... but then my idea of "old" has shifted a lot since I've started to get lines on my face and my knee joints have begun making horrific crunching noises and screaming in pain, so.

Hah she looks in her 40s to me though I'm not sure if that counts as old or not :P I'll be 30 in September but no lines yet, probably once I start getting them that woman will start looking younger to me :lol:

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Image result for helen back artist

 

This is my mum who is in her 50s haha, I kind of hope I have her lack of ageing genes :lol: I won't complain about grey hairs though because I'll be able to dye my hair pink without needing to bleach it first, wooo!

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Telecaster68

When you're young you can blame chaos on inexperience and youthful exuberance, and when you're old you can blame it on senility. 

 

Or you can just not give a fuck at any point. 

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Just now, Telecaster68 said:

When you're young you can blame chaos on inexperience and youthful exuberance, and when you're old you can blame it on senility. 

I take full responsibility for all the chaos I cause, I have nothing to blame it on :P

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2 hours ago, CBC said:

I think it's mostly referring to in the context of attempting relationships with other (non-asexual) people.

I imagine my attitude wouldn't really change. In the context of attempting a relationship with sexual people:

1. Are ACE's more apt at pretending? > I wouldn't think there's any need to pretend. I'm not the type to live in denial
2. Have they gone through life with a secret? It's not a secret and I don't see why it needs to be one
3. Have they really known that something about them was different but could not accept it and therefore pretended that [it] was not really there  > Being asexual is something I can accept. Even if I couldn't accept it, I wouldn't pretend it wasn't there
4. [Not] making you so nervous in front of the person you like? > Having no sexual attraction doesn't mean I won't be nervous in front of the person I wanna be in a relationship with.. I'd still be nervous ahah

If I were to be in a relationship with a sexual person, I wouldn't automatically think that there's something wrong with either of us and that we'd need to "pretend everything is okay". It just means due to our differences, compatibility issues may arise.. but not always. Some sexuals are fine with forgoing sex and some asexuals are fine with having sex. It comes down to each individual relationship

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14 hours ago, CBC said:

Wait, you mean they're available at all? 'Cause "aren't easily" isn't a deterrent to me. I'm used to doing everything the difficult way. The very... very... difficult way. :D 

Please if you ever get a time machine, go to Stephen Hawkings party? I'm sure there is a reality out there where he is still waiting for someone turn up!!

 

https://mashable.com/2018/03/14/stephen-hawking-time-travel-party/#fXwVkGj_fiqx

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Telecaster68
11 minutes ago, Shihara said:

Some sexuals are fine with forgoing sex and some asexuals are fine with having sex.

Some. I really wouldn't over estimate the numbers on either side, especially longer term. 

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Please try to keep things civil and not attack other members. Please try to stay on the topic on hand than debating about other members.

 

 

Iff 

Moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

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20 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Some. I really wouldn't over estimate the numbers on either side, especially longer term. 

Yeah I wouldn't over estimate numbers on either side either, hence why I wrote "some" ahah

Personally, I don't see an asexual/sexual relationship working out in the long run, but thought I'd keep things neutral bc technically some may work out

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Shihara said:

Yeah I wouldn't over estimate numbers on either side either, hence why I wrote "some" ahah

Personally, I don't see an asexual/sexual relationship working out in the long run, but thought I'd keep things neutral bc technically some may work out

Oh fine. I've noticed what I'd call the AVEN 'some', which seems to mean either 'almost every' or 'almost none' depending on what readers would like to be true and I wanted to be clear what that particular 'some' meant. 

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10 hours ago, CBC said:

What Tele said.

 

Yes, some people are able to compromise. But I can tell you for sure that 1) having sex that you really don't want to be having gets very tedious after a while, and can turn you off even more and contribute to increased issues with things like repulsion and self-worth; and 2) being a sexual person in a relationship with someone who's not even capable of feeling a similar type of desire, of making you feel wanted in a way that's completely exclusive to sex, is quite soul-sucking.

 

Truly successful long-term relationships with mixed orientations are pretty rare. (And I'm not including "I just tolerate it because I've given up" in the definition of a successful relationship.)

Isn’t this true of LTRs in general, though?  There can’t be many out there where both (all) partners haven’t had to compromise on something important, or give something up to get something else (that’s hopefully, but not always, overall better)?  I agree with Sally that it depends on the individuals, as each individual knows (or has to discover over time) what he/she/they can and cannot tolerate.

 

The really happy mixed relationships aren’t typically represented here, and neither are most of the ones so bad they clearly had to end.  It’s probably “just” the less-than-certain (from either direction) folks who are searching for advice/opinions/validation/someone to commiserate with.

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Telecaster68
11 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

There can’t be many out there where both (all) partners haven’t had to compromise on something inportant, or give something up to get something else (that’s hopefully, but not always, overall better)?

Most of the mixed relationships on here are where there's pretty much no sex, and frequently no compromise. Kind of the equivalent of 'oh honey I sold the house, we're moving to that country you really dislike' in terms of impact.

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6 hours ago, Sally said:

 

Re asexuals not being distracted, when I developed a strong aesthetic attraction to and fell  in love with my partner, I was distracted as hell.  Everyone could see that (which I knew because they told me).   I didn't know about asexuality then (no one did), and thought I'd eventually "get" the sexual stuff if I kept trying.  I was neither in denial, nor was I keeping a secret.  The dime only dropped years later when I read about asexuality.  

 

I've had a similar experience.  I'm asexual but not aromantic and romantic and aesthetic attraction are SUPER distracting.  I'll spend hours obsessing over my crush and I can get insanely distracted by someone I find aesthetically attractive.  The realization that I don't actually want to sleep with them is a very recent one, but I would 100% spend all day staring at Chris Evan's abs given the chance.  I wasn't in denial or keeping a secret I just had no freaking clue that what I was feeling wasn't what I thought.  So asexual across the board are not less prone to distraction.

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6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Most of the mixed relationships on here are where there's pretty much no sex, and frequently no compromise. Kind of the equivalent of 'oh honey I sold the house, we're moving to that country you really dislike' in terms of impact.

Agreed.  What I was trying to say was that 1) I’m not sure that the mixed relationships here on AVEN are representative of all mixed relationships out in the world because we probably self-select for “pretty to very unhappy but not leaving yet,” and 2) many (if not most) LTRs involve significant compromise/sacrifice... if not in the sex arena, then in others (one wants kids and the other doesn’t, the example you gave about one-sided relocation decisions, etc.); that it’s a case of how the individual trade-offs balance out, and that’s going to be different from couple to couple and person to person.

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6 hours ago, CBC said:

Normal, healthy, successful compromise is where one partner wants sex every day and the other wants it maybe once or twice a month, so they agree to try for at least once a week. It's not the sexual partner having to completely give up a vital part of themselves and have no sex or very occasional passionless sex, and it's not the asexual partner repeatedly and silently forcing themselves to do something they find draining and rather boring and pointless, or at worst, deeply distressing.

Don’t disagree.  I just meant that for some people the other benefits of the relationship may outweigh the not-ideal sex compromise (whereas for others that won’t be true).  People have different priorities.

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Mary Lambert
On ‎4‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 4:25 PM, FictoVore. said:

Out of interest, do good Christian women sell stock photos of themselves online?

First of all, what makes you think this isn't me? You don't know me? I don't know you. How shallow of you to judge what a Christian does or doesn't do? If you want to tear someone down do it. But why attack someone's religion?

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10 hours ago, Mary Lambert said:

First of all, what makes you think this isn't me? You don't know me? I don't know you. How shallow of you to judge what a Christian does or doesn't do? If you want to tear someone down do it. But why attack someone's religion?

I didn't actually say it wasn't you, I specifically asked if good Christian women (which you are) sell stock photos of themselves online? Raunchy stock photos, I might add. As CBC pointed out, it's only you if you're a raunchy stock photo model. And if not, then it's disingenuous to accept compliments on the image in your profile.

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16 hours ago, CBC said:

Do you model for stock photos, @Mary Lambert? Because that's the only way it could be you.

Lots of people don’t use their own pictures on sensitive sites like this.  I don’t post any pictures, but I sure wouldn’t post my own. 

 

I may may have missed- does Mary say it is her picture. If so, it could be- after all it’s someones picture. 

 

I hate to break it to people but I’m not. Viking warrior

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the thread has been locked pending admods review.

 

Iff,

Moderator, sexual partners friends & allies

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