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Mary Lambert

Do ACE's try more than Allos to pretend every thing is OK?

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Mary Lambert

Are ACE's more apt at pretending? Have they gone through life with a secret? Have they really known that something about them was different but could not accept it and therefore pretended that this "something different" was not really there. In some ways, being ACE may be great. Not having that constant desire bugging you all the time. Keeping you from not paying attention in class. Making you so nervous in front of the person you like? Thoughts?

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James121
14 minutes ago, Mary Lambert said:

Are ACE's more apt at pretending? Have they gone through life with a secret? Have they really known that something about them was different but could not accept it and therefore pretended that this "something different" was not really there. In some ways, being ACE may be great. Not having that constant desire bugging you all the time. Keeping you from not paying attention in class. Making you so nervous in front of the person you like? Thoughts?

Yes I think they can learn to live with the secret and I believe there are occasions where they strive to keep that secret in order to keep what they have.

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TheCatBehind

I don’t think being specifically ace has anything to do with one’s ability to pretend everything’s alright. I think everyone that identifies themselves with a minority knows how to pretend, be it to stay quiet, behave differently, act straight, etc., etc.

 

Personally? I knew something was off since I was 14-ish, started being more interested in m/m interactions, but didn’t pay it much mind. I explained it to myself as I was discovering myself more fully via m/m media, and I accepted that. I still think it’s true to some extent, but coming back to the point– I knew something was kinda off, but I didn’t treat it as a secret, I just didn’t think anyone needed to know about it and tbh it’s none of their business anyway.

 

But at the same time I’ve endured quite the overbearing parents, meaning hiding and keeping secrets was my daily routine.

 

And instead of lusty/horny thoughts I had nerdy thoughts related to video games, anime and TV shows; so I don’t think I gained much xd

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CBC

Well lots of people who aren't heterosexual have gone through life with secrets or shame or fear or what have you. Same for people with mental illnesses or struggles connecting with others, which I suspect may be the case with a lot of those who identify as asexual. And yeah, people who are different in any way often try to hide that in order to avoid ridicule or rejection, or worse.

 

What's the deal with this "constant desire" thing, though? I'm not asexual, and I'm also fully aware that I'm not a super highly sexually-driven person and that there are those who are more so, but I've difficulty wrapping my brain around the idea that most of my fellow non-ace folks are so constantly distracted by a need for sex that it interferes with normal functioning. Key word being 'constantly'.

 

Also from what I understand, asexuals can still be nervous around people they like. Why wouldn't they be? Feelings still involve vulnerability even if they're not looking to shag anyone.

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ThatSierraPerson

I never had to pretend, I didn't know that asexuality was anything but normal. I found out I was different from the hypersexual guys at my high school, but I thought that was just a maturity thing (which it could have been, those guys had the mental maturity of your average third grader). I never felt like I was hiding something from everyone else. Finding the word 'asexual' actually showed me that I was, in fact, different, rather than affirming that whatever difference I feel doesn't make me inhuman.

 

So in answer to your question, no, I for one haven't gone through life with a secret, neither am I especially good at pretending just because of my identity.

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Telecaster68

Outside a relationship, clearly people's sexualities are nobody's business but their own. In a relationship though, clearly it involves both partners, so holding back key information is keeping a secret. I'm not sure it's pretending everything is fine in many cases. Asexuals often say they had no idea sex was such a big deal, so if they're not made aware by their partner that it is a problem, they're not having sex and they're genuinely are fine.

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ryn2

I definitely grew up in an environment, both at home and at school, that taught me to be a

chameleon and to do what might win me some small scraps of acceptance.  That in turn made me better at concealing my feelings and reactions from others.

 

Whether that contributed to my expression of my sexual orientation or not, I don’t know.  It did introduce a certain transactionality into my life that might not otherwise have been there.  Who knows?  The 1970’s US was not an awesome time or place to be a kid.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
On 4/25/2018 at 10:28 AM, CBC said:

Well lots of people who aren't heterosexual have gone through life with secrets or shame or fear or what have you. Same for people with mental illnesses or struggles connecting with others, which I suspect may be the case with a lot of those who identify as asexual. And yeah, people who are different in any way often try to hide that in order to avoid ridicule or rejection, or worse.

 

What's the deal with this "constant desire" thing, though? I'm not asexual, and I'm also fully aware that I'm not a highly sexually-driven person and that there are those who are more so, but I've difficulty wrapping my brain around the idea that most of my fellow non-ace folks are so constantly distracted by a need for sex that it interferes with normal functioning. Key word being 'constantly'.

 

Also from what I understand, asexuals can still be nervous around people they like. Why wouldn't they be? Feelings still involve vulnerability even if they're not looking to shag anyone.

Yeah all of this.

 

For clarification @Mary Lambert romantic asexuals get just as nervous talking to their crush as anyone else. Once you know you're asexual though that makes it a million times worse. Imagine having those feelings of romantic and intimate attraction yet knowing that for you to have any chance with that person you'll almost certainly need to sacrifice your bodily autonomy to keep them happy - either that or remain single forever. Believe me, that's not easy for most romantic asexuals and they're not all clueless and unaware  of how important sex is either. The majority are well aware of how important sex is for sexual people even before they  have the word asexual to help them understand why they themselves don't want it. At least being sexual you know you have a good chance of happiness and sexual compatibility with at least some of the people you fall for.

 

On 4/25/2018 at 10:10 AM, Mary Lambert said:

Not having that constant desire bugging you all the time. Keeping you from not paying attention in class. 

Saying sexual people are constantly plagued by desire distracting them from class is the sort of statement sexuals would attack an ace for making on AVEN. Yet sexuals who would normally attack an ace have responded and haven't said anything about that particular comment - interesting.

 

We all know sexuals are not constantly plagued by desire that distracts them from school and work etc. A very small minority are, and many experience distraction by desire *sometimes* in their lives, but even the most hypersexual ones can still function like normal human beings unless they have nymphomania which is an extremely rare condition that people usually need professional help to try to deal with. I'm sure you must know all this already though.

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Mary Lambert
14 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Saying sexual people are constantly plagued by desire distracting them from class is the sort of statement sexuals would attack an ace for making on AVEN. Yet sexuals who would normally attack an ace have responded and haven't said anything about that particular comment - interesting.

 

We all know sexuals are not constantly plagued by desire that destracts them from school and work etc. A very small minority are, and many experience distraction by desire *sometimes*, but even the most hypersexual ones can still function like normal human beings unless they have nymphomania which is an extremely rare condition that people usually need profe I jssional help to try to deal with. I'm sure you must know all this already though.

This is where you may be wrong. Most Allos are very distracted all the time with it. Think about the world around you. Think about TV shows, movies and songs and the list goes on. Romance is just leading up to the actual act in the mind of an Allo. I realize your case is so fragile due to the extreme physical pain you feel and believe me my heart goes out. But your mind also seems to be one of an ACE if you cannot grasp this concept. No intention of setting you off this isn't a slam. :) I appreciate your feedback regardless.

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CBC

No, Mary, you're wrong. Your experience as a sexual person is just that -- your experience. Being sexual encompasses literally everything outside of being asexual. Not all sexual people are sex-obsessed or constanly sex-crazed. Some have relatively low interest. The majority are average. And the majority function just fine without being distracted 24/7.

 

Your post is actually fairly condescending to @FictoVore.. And as a sexual person myself, I don't want you speaking for me. Thanks.

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CBC

Also for the love of god stop writing 'ACE'. It's not an acronym and no one is shouting. Doesn't need to be capitalised. We don't write 'STRAIGHT PERSON' or 'LESBIAN'.

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Sally

Also, you could just say "sexual", not "allosexual".  

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Mary Lambert

I am at work people, have to keep it code. :) 

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CBC

I don't understand what that means in practical terms. You're allowed to be on this site at work but you're not allowed to write words like 'sexual' and 'asexual'...?

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Skullery Maid
1 hour ago, Mary Lambert said:

This is where you may be wrong. Most Allos are very distracted all the time with it. Think about the world around you. Think about TV shows, movies and songs and the list goes on. Romance is just leading up to the actual act in the mind of an Allo. I realize your case is so fragile due to the extreme physical pain you feel and believe me my heart goes out. But your mind also seems to be one of an ACE if you cannot grasp this concept. No intention of setting you off this isn't a slam. :) I appreciate your feedback regardless.

I'm one of the most sexual women I've ever met and I'm not distracted by thoughts of sex. 

 

If I'm crushing on someone, that's distracting as hell. That makes concentration nearly impossible. 

 

Just because I'm sexual doesn't mean you can distill every feeling I have down to "secretly it's all about sex." 

 

I'm also about to call bullshit on you being who you say you are. I'm not sure what exactly is going on, but methinks you're playing a game here. 

 

ACE in all caps feels hostile.

 

Oh and. I have waaaay more secrets than my asexual partner. 

 

 

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Thea2
9 hours ago, ryn2 said:

... chameleon ...

Ha, ha, I used to call myself that; and after one too many colour changes the chameleon burst (all way in the past now, I have quite a sound sense of self now). Adjusting to others is normal, it's a matter of degree, methinks.

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gaogao

whsipers im so hapy to see @Skullery Maid back ??? when did you come back?? you probably dont know me, but i found your posts super helpful back in the day so i'm like, a fan??

 

As for OP's question, I think one's ability to keep secrets or hide things is more down to personality than anything. When I was younger I had an inkling that I was different, but my lack of acknowledging my differences was more a sense of denial than keeping it a 'secret'... I'm actually not good at keeping secrets at all - even though I'm very good at adapting to other people and not talking about what I want or need - but that's not because I'm ace, it's more a product of my childhood experiences and how I was raised to ignore my own wants and needs for my parents and friends.

 

It's complex. I think most ace partners who refuse to talk about it are more in denial (and hoping if they don't talk about an issue it might go away) than maliciously keeping a secret than anything... but idk. that's also more of a personality thing. :/

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Homer
12 hours ago, CBC said:

What's the deal with this "constant desire" thing, though? I'm not asexual, and I'm also fully aware that I'm not a super highly sexually-driven person and that there are those who are more so, but I've difficulty wrapping my brain around the idea that most of my fellow non-ace folks are so constantly distracted by a need for sex that it interferes with normal functioning. Key word being 'constantly'.

QFT

 

Personally I don't have to pretend anything when it comes to sex and/or romance. A lot of "asexual issues" could be dealt with by not pretending and just following your everyday business.

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uhtred

I'm sure it depends on the situation.  I've spent a lot of my life pretending to my wife that I'm OK with not having sex because the alternative is divorce.  It was probably a mistake to have done this, but time machines aren't easily available. 

 

 

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CBC
1 hour ago, uhtred said:

It was probably a mistake to have done this, but time machines aren't easily available.

Wait, you mean they're available at all? 'Cause "aren't easily" isn't a deterrent to me. I'm used to doing everything the difficult way. The very... very... difficult way. :D 

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Skullery Maid
1 hour ago, CBC said:

Wait, you mean they're available at all? 'Cause "aren't easily" isn't a deterrent to me. I'm used to doing everything the difficult way. The very... very... difficult way. :D 

Lol you do have a flair for the counterproductive. 😂

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CBC
9 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Lol you do have a flair for the counterproductive. 😂

It's one of my many charming strengths, yes. ;) 

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Mary Lambert
15 hours ago, Skullery Maid said:

I'm one of the most sexual women I've ever met and I'm not distracted by thoughts of sex. 

I am mostly speaking of growing up. As we age (not saying you're old, you look terrific) but as we age this become less of a distraction for sure. But as a tween, teen and young adult, most allos are very distracted, you may be an exception. :) 

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Skullery Maid
8 minutes ago, Mary Lambert said:

I am mostly speaking of growing up. As we age (not saying you're old, you look terrific) but as we age this become less of a distraction for sure. But as a tween, teen and young adult, most allos are very distracted, you may be an exception. :) 

I'm not Jessica Lange from the movie Titus, but yes, she does look terrific. You're also not a stock photo of a blonde woman. Difference being I don't pretend I am Jessica Lange. 

 

Why do you think asexual teens are any less distracted? 

 

Personally I've seen many a sexual person go on to have amazing careers, read books, and hold down entire conversations, even with their nasty sexuality trying to drag them to hell. That's ultimately what you mean, right? You use the term allo and you're certain that asexuals have more pure hearts and minds... Again, I'm not buying that you are who you say you are. 

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CBC
30 minutes ago, Mary Lambert said:

As we age (not saying you're old, you look terrific) 

Lmao! You think Skullery's avie is a photo of her?

 

Also yes, I am a rotating disco chicken. *squaaaaaawk* 

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Thea2

I am very precocious. :lol:

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, CBC said:

Also yes, I am a rotating chicken. *squaaaaaawk* 

On my phone it looks like a seagull!  Every time someone says chicken I go wait, what?

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CBC
Just now, ryn2 said:

On my phone it looks like a seagull!  Every time someone says chicken I go wait, what?

Ya know, a seagull would probably suit me better. They're total opportunistic, often-unpleasant dicks. :lol: 

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ryn2
14 minutes ago, CBC said:

Ya know, a seagull would probably suit me better. They're total opportunistic, often-unpleasant dicks. :lol: 

They have a certain dignity... as long as they hold still.  :lol:

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CBC
3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

They have a certain dignity... as long as they hold still.  :lol:

That sounds about right for me too. My dignity is intact as long as I'm quiet. :lol: 

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