How do I stop thinking its my fault?

[irenerosa]

Hi, I'm new here.

I'm in a pretty fresh relationship with the sweetest guy (I'll call him Jorge here.) I feel like I would do anything for him, which I guess is why despite his coming out to me as asexual, I did not hesitate to allow myself to fall in love with him. I have a very high sex drive in general but I also constantly desire the emotional bonding that comes with the combination of sexual intimacy and loving the person you are sharing it with. I long for it, and I've discovered recently that I can't understand someone not wanting it with me if they really do love me. I know that that is just simply untrue, that love and sex are not synonymous, but my boyfriend's lack of desire for me physically is tearing me apart inside (something I will never let him know.) 

I feel the need to go into details so that someone really can help me, so I will do that here:

 

-I am the first person Jorge has done anything remotely sexual with. It began with him exploring my body over my clothes, to playing with my nipples while we would kiss, and now to fingering me and giving me head semi-regularly, and always to climax. This was a natural process, and I never even requested that he do these things, but he genuinely seems to enjoy doing them. It happy, but also confuses me. 

 

-Jorge is very sensitive to me touching him. When he first began touching me intimately, I thought that it meant he was ready for me to do the same for him. I remember beginning to rub him over his shorts, he reacted with disgust. I've learned since then and would never try again unless he told me to do it. That's our deal now, I only touch him from the waist up and if he ever feels differently he will tell me. I'm often confused and have to think harder about my natural responses to when he gets hard. I can manage it, but it makes me feel like shit. 

 

-Our relationship is monogamous though it began poly. I broke up with someone I had also been dating because Jorge said he was actually uncomfortable with polyamory. That option is out. 

 

-I have felt so much uglier lately. Ugly, unsexy, undesirable, boring...I don't know what to do, but I know that this is the source.

 

How can I help myself while also supporting Jorge fully and being respectful of his orientation? 

He says to me "maybe one day I'll be able to have sex with you.."

But its not even something I want if he's just doing it to appease me. I want to be wanted by the man I love. I don't know what to do.

[Traveler40]

Irenerosa, welcome.  All I can say is that this likely isn’t going to get better.  You’ve already worked on some compromise which is good (?). You can try and deal with your sexual nature on your own, but with Jorge, the limitations are real and likely will not change.  He warned you going in, and what you feel today will only intensify with time.  How do you see the next few decades and beyond?

[gisiebob]

there is a person who cares about you, who you can open these wounds up to. you'll be wanting to have a slice of humble pie waiting with two spoons for you to talk about conflicts of interest over, but I urge you to be who you are to this person you care about, to allow him to be able to be someone that can wound you, because otherwise who are you providing to him?

but don't forget the pie. it's good to have a reminder that this is not all there is when you are hashing out the tough threads... there's still pie in this world too!

[Amber79]

Hi Irenerosa,

When you have sex you don't do it just to experience pleasure for yourself, you do it to give pleasure to your partner. You get pleasure from giving it if you like. In the relationship you're in he is getting pleasure from giving you pleasure, for an ace that is (for want of a better expression) a form of desire. The erection is probably an automatic response which is physical, but not attached to the emotion or thought responses needed to want or desire sex. It's something that a few sexual women on this site have been confused by. I'm sure he thinks of you as aesthetically attractive, I'm sure he thinks you're beautiful (perhaps you could encourage him to tell you more), it's just that the sense of beauty isn't connected to lust or sexual desire. This isn't you're fault. You're not ugly, sexually unattractive, or udesirable, but you're in a relationship with an asexual. He will never look at you the way a sexual will, he will never feel lust, sexual desire or horny, but that doesn't just apply to you. He will never look at anyone that way. I'm nearly 40, and I've never looked at any man and thought sexual thoughts, felt sexual feelings or wanted a sexual relationship. That's not because I've only known ugly, boaring, unsexy men. It because I'm ace and just not able to do that.

You're going to have to decide whether you can make this relationship work, whether you can live without the sexual aspect of an average relationship. Is the love you have enough? If not, it's better for both of you if you deal with that quickly, neither of you will do well if you can't make it work. Keep in mind that he has said, one day he hopes to be able to have sex. He wants to make that compromise for you, that's a big step for an asexual who has never felt anything was enough to have had sex before. The question is, can you wait to see if he can make that compromise?

[gaogao]

7 minutes ago, Amber79 said:

The question is, can you wait to see if he can make that compromise?

This.

 

But also, not only is it a question of "Can you wait?" but also "Would you genuinely be okay if he can't ever make it?"

 

Because that is also definitely a possibility too.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, gaogao said:

This.

 

But also, not only is it a question of "Can you wait?" but also "Would you genuinely be okay if he can't ever make it?"

 

Because that is also definitely a possibility too.

...and will you be genuinely okay if he does make it, but only because he wants you to be happy?  Because unless he ultimately discovers he’s demi having PiV sex because he knows you want it is very likely the best (looking at it from your perspective) you will see.

[uhtred]

Many couples suffer from trying to make this work. The longer you try the worse it gets.  I don’t recommend it. 

[Tarfeather]

12 hours ago, irenerosa said:

I long for it, and I've discovered recently that I can't understand someone not wanting it with me if they really do love me. I know that that is just simply untrue, that love and sex are not synonymous, but my boyfriend's lack of desire for me physically is tearing me apart inside (something I will never let him know.) 

Bottom line is, your feeling / intuition is right on this. While certainly sex and love are not synonymous, the thing we sexuals understand by "love" in this context very much involves sexual desire (both desiring and being desired). Without this, it's simply not the same, and not considering it as "love" in this sense is probably the best thing to do.

 

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-Our relationship is monogamous though it began poly. I broke up with someone I had also been dating because Jorge said he was actually uncomfortable with polyamory. That option is out.

That's actually a huge red flag. He's essentially expecting you to give up on this fulfillment elsewhere, knowing full well he can not give it to you. I'd be out at that instant.

 

Quote

-I have felt so much uglier lately. Ugly, unsexy, undesirable, boring...I don't know what to do, but I know that this is the source.

Yes, that's a pretty normal response.

 

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How can I help myself while also supporting Jorge fully and being respectful of his orientation? 

He says to me "maybe one day I'll be able to have sex with you.."

But its not even something I want if he's just doing it to appease me. I want to be wanted by the man I love. I don't know what to do.

Basically, what you have to treat this situation as, is him not returning your feelings. It's kind of like loving someone who just wants to be friends. It's not entirely accurate, but as far as your emotional well being is concerned, it's pretty much the truth. You will never be wanted by this man, and hanging on to that hope is seriously going to mess you up over time.

 

What you have to decide now, is whether you're okay being in a relationship with essentially a best friend, whether you want to be just friends instead, or break off contact entirely. None of these options is what you want, but they're all that's available to you.

[roland.o]

13 hours ago, irenerosa said:

is tearing me apart inside (something I will never let him know.)

So you're putting on a show for him. You're pretending to be someone who you are not. You're withholding an important part of yourself from him. In order to protect him from harm, no doubt. Is this really the kind of relationship that you want?

 

13 hours ago, irenerosa said:

my boyfriend's lack of desire for me physically is tearing me apart inside

13 hours ago, irenerosa said:

I can manage it, but it makes me feel like shit.

13 hours ago, irenerosa said:

I have felt so much uglier lately. Ugly, unsexy, undesirable, boring...

These are consequences of you not being yourself. They will get worse.

 

Your story sounds similar to that of a friend of mine. Her former partner isn't asexual, but lost sexual interest after a few months, for one reason or another. They had somewhat incompatible personalities and communication patterns, too. She loved him, and probably still does. But the relationship didn't work. They were together for more than two or close to three years, depending on what one considers the end. During that time, the emotional drain of not experiencing the love of her partner slowly dragged her deeper and deeper into a state of lethargy. It robbed her of the energy to actively shape her life. She didn't see a way out of the situation, yet she wanted to be with him. It only got better when she finally understood that the relationship was over, beyond hope of repair. Since then, she gradually regained her energy and realized how much of herself she had given up, trying to make something work that simply couldn't work. They still - or rather: again - spend time together, as friends and fellow bikers, but not as partners. And I think they're both better off that way.

 

13 hours ago, irenerosa said:

How can I help myself while also supporting Jorge fully and being respectful of his orientation?

If the two of you are incompatible, you cannot "support him fully" - in the sense of being his romantic partner - while helping yourself.

Think of the oxygen masks in an airplane. When they drop down, you have to put on your own first. You cannot help your neighbor when you pass out.

 

[Tarfeather]

5 minutes ago, roland.o said:

So you're putting on a show for him. You're pretending to be someone who you are not. You're withholding an important part of yourself from him. In order to protect him from harm, no doubt. Is this really the kind of relationship that you want?

 

These are consequences of you not being yourself. They will get worse.

 

Your story sounds similar to that of a friend of mine. Her former partner isn't asexual, but lost sexual interest after a few months, for one reason or another. They had somewhat incompatible personalities and communication patterns, too. She loved him, and probably still does. But the relationship didn't work. They were together for more than two or close to three years, depending on what one considers the end. During that time, the emotional drain of not experiencing the love of her partner slowly dragged her deeper and deeper into a state of lethargy. It robbed her of the energy to actively shape her life. She didn't see a way out of the situation, yet she wanted to be with him. It only got better when she finally understood that the relationship was over, beyond hope of repair. Since then, she gradually regained her energy and realized how much of herself she had given up, trying to make something work that simply couldn't work. They still - or rather: again - spend time together, as friends and fellow bikers, but not as partners. And I think they're both better off that way.

Thanks, buddy. Somehow these were exactly the words I needed to hear, and the advice I needed, and you didn't even direct that at me!