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Why sexuality is violent?


riekko

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Hello

I'm sorry, I haven't really read any topics because I'm so desperate to write this all. And I'm sorry my english isnt that good.

Am i the only one who is scared of how violent sexuality is, especially porn? I have read and googled so much about these things and it seems like most popular porn (is it called mainstream?) is violent: men hit, gag, choke, toss, pull hair, coerce, ejaculate on faces. 

For example i watched the porn that was featured on this video: (link removed) there a man fucked a womans anal so rough the woman screamed from pain. And most guys didn't find that disturbing, one said it was really good.

Because I like some japanese things, I have seen hentai and japanese porn. And it seems like most videos have rape in it. That even in videos where sex is consensual, the girl says no and screams and cries like they are hurting.

Why most men (and women) enjoy to see women being abused? When I write "violent" and "abuse", I know porn can't have abuse and violence when it's consensual, but I find all those actions abusive/violent, like boxing is violent even though it's sport, a game.

I don't undertsand why this is possible. I don't undertand that I and some asexuals are the only ones who find porn (and sexuality) scary and fucked up. I don't understand how people process these things. Im so tired to trying to read and google these things and crying and not getting answers. I see nightmares about watching/reading about porn, sexual situations, one night I saw a nightmare about a game I love (kingdom hearts) having porn in it. There's no one I can talk to about these things. I don't want to be here. I just want to move somewhere with people like me and forget all these things.

I know it's just a fantasy. But why is it? It's scary. It's like a black man living a world where most white men play games with violence towards black men. Doesn't it sound horrible? So why most men enjoying porn where women are abused isn't horrible to people? If there was a chance to delete sexuality from world, I would do it even though it's a very important thing to most people. I'm sorry. But I just don't undertsand and I'm scared.

I don't want to hate men but all the things that they have made during humanity and this fantasy is making me kind of hate men. For example, why genintal mutilation is a thing? Why domestic abuse has been approved (and somewhere still is)? Maybe someone would say this: because women's status has been so bad. But why has it been? Beacuse men wanted? Why? I understand that biology makes men want to be dominant but its still doesnt explain all the violence.

Im very hungry for affection and I would like to have boyfriend if I was good looking but I still wouldn't be able to seek love because there would be high chance that he is like the most guys.

What do you think about porn? I remember reading from a topic here that many asexual people here like hentai, could someone of them explain their thoughts?

Am I the only one who feels like this? Who just can't understand, and is scared? Today I tried to chat with an asexual about this on omegle, but they just said "don't watch it bby".

If someone answers, thank you ...

 

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Duke Memphis

You seem to recognize the prominence of masochism and sadism in society. I don't get why hurting others or being hurt is accepted- no, approved of- but they like that for some reason.

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Movies =/= real world.

 

Case closed.

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RottenInDenmark
1 hour ago, riekko said:

What do you think about porn? I remember reading from a topic here that many asexual people here like hentai, could someone of them explain their thoughts?

Am I the only one who feels like this? Who just can't understand, and is scared? Today I tried to chat with an asexual about this on omegle, but they just said "don't watch it bby".

If someone answers, thank you ...

hello i can understand your frustrations and repulsion i was wondering too when i watched a lot of porn as a teenager. and i do still question the majority of it today. 

but i would properly agree with your friend, but it's more because in my opinion when have porn ever represented what it's like having sex in reality. Sure some execute these kind of things, and activities,  but it's more in a understanding of kinks and fetishes. And Sadomasochism people, are people who get off on this. but it's not the whole planet. Any person who partake in these activities would tell you it's an act, like role play in bed. course when consent is there these people enjoy it with their partner. but also any S&M person would tell you that if there is No consent or if the person is not into that kind of things then, don't do it'. and don't force someone into it. course such things can be psychologically damaging. 

 

so there is a difference between people who are into that, (men and women) or making porn of it, because they know many would watch it. (mass Distribution profit)  and it' don't represent what your sex life should be like

 

1 hour ago, riekko said:

Why domestic abuse has been approved (and somewhere still is)?

 i understand your fear of this, but that fear is a part of life and i can't promise you, you won't meet someone who would turn out that way. But those are not worth your time. Your own relationship should be comfortable for you. and have your consent.  If someone tries to force you to partake in these kind of activities, against your will or consent, should know that, that' is illegal. Psychology or physical chemistry and communication are always importing.  it’s not up for debate if your partner tries to force you, and not justified if you are dating the person and if they make you feel guilty for not meeting there expectations or fantasies. They should always have you consent. sex without consent is rape.

So you just focus on accompany yourself with people who love you and won’t force you into something you don’t want to do. ^^
 

:) 

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Biblioromantic

Wow, that's a lot. First of all, welcome to AVEN! :cake::cake::cake: It is tradition here to offer newbies cake. Welcome to our little community. I hope you'll find it as helpful and friendly as I have. You'll find us to be a big community of friendly people, and we're glad you found us.

 

Now, on to your questions.

 

First, there's a difference between real life and fantasy. I choose to believe that most people are good. Most men don't degrade women. Most men love and support the women in their lives. We're seeing a lot of men behaving badly in the media right now, but the truth is that they are not the majority. Good men are all around you if you choose to look for them. And sex in real life doesn't have to be degrading to anyone. Sex in itself isn't bad and can really solidify and enhance relationships if both partners are into it.

 

As far as porn goes, there is good porn and there is bad porn. Not all porn is violent and degrading. Some of it can be really good and focuses on a positive relationship between the parties involved. Some porn shows a more equal treatment of women. It's harder to find, but it's out there. Try googling "porn for women" and seeing what comes up. You're more likely to find female-positive porn on female-marketed porn sites, if that's what you're looking for.

 

With that said, a lot of people like kink, and the porn industry capitalizes on that. There's nothing wrong with kink as long as it is safe, sane, and consensual. And even outside of the kink community, if people didn't want to see porn that degrades women, it wouldn't be out there. They wouldn't make it if there weren't a market for it. You and everyone else watching it is providing that market.

 

So my suggestion to you is this: don't watch it if it upsets you. First, you don't need to invite things into your life if they don't make you happy. No one is forcing you to watch it. Second, you watching it is providing even more of an audience. If you disagree with it, don't support the industry.

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Certainly not all porn is like that for a start. Also, there's no way those guys in the video you linked hadn't seen extreme porn if they had watched Japanese stuff before. Japanese porn and hentai is some of the most extremely sickeningly violent porn I have ever seen - way beyond anything ever featured in Western porn. Also, most people who get off on that stuff do so without actually wanting to do it in real life. I only enjoy violent porn and even want to do some of the stuff in in it, like extreme painal - and there's nothing wrong with that or any other sexual act if two consenting adults want to do it together! Most of porn is nothing like real life though, in the same way most movies and books aren't like real life.

 

Also,'most white men' don't play video games in where they kill black men. That's a sexist stereotype it's not actually a fact.  I play games where I kill zombies but that's not because I'm 'cist' against zombies, I just like gaming (which is the reason most gamers do it,both men and woman of all skin colours!!) 

 

 

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I think when it comes to porn, you have to establish what porn is.

 

At it's most basic it's wish fulfillment.

 

For a lot of people the idea of having power and control over someone is like an aphrodisiac.

 

For other, having someone have power over them is appealing as well.

 

In Japanese, in particular, I would venture that there is probably a feeling of emasculation that leads men to watch violent dominating porn.

 

I think that same feeling also exists elsewhere.

 

It's wish fulfillment for people that feel that they don't have sexual power or control in there lives.

 

On the other hand, I think you have a point and others might find the aspect of violence and dominating appealing as well.

 

And it is not restricted to just straight hetero sex either.

 

There is plenty of violent and dominating gay and lesbian porn as well.

 

This concept of power is seen in other areas in porn.

 

From older women that seduce younger men to younger men seducing older women.

 

It's always that allure of having power over someone that is in play.

 

At least that is my take on things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Duke Memphis said:

I don't get why hurting others or being hurt is accepted- no, approved of- but they like that for some reason.

People are weird.

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Anime Pancake

(TMI sexual dont read)

 

I agree that I find sexuality is almost violent. Women often say that if the sex is not aggressive enough it is not satisfying. I think its just a natural thing for people that want sex.

 

I think its weird that people enjoy putting sexual body parts in their mouth and having body fluids etc on them.

 

I cant understand a lot about sexual people.

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CrownFireDaylily

I'm the kind of person who wants to "understand" things. I struggle to mentally let something go if I haven't gotten to a place where I understand the reasons behind it. But recently, I've had to accept that people do cruel things that I can't understand--and the fact that their actions make no sense to me, might be a good thing! I never want to judge other people (although I think if we're honest, I think we all do it on some level--it's a human habit). But I'd say that if you're confused and distressed by actions that from your point of view are violent, harmful, selfish, etc.--then maybe that's a sign that you are a caring person, that you have the ability to be empathetic, that you believe in relationships where pain and power aren't major forces at play. So maybe you can picture what you believe a loving relationship would look like for you and hold onto hope that you can create that for yourself. Perhaps you can distance yourself from porn and violent depictions of sex and try instead to look for elements of the kind of love you want. It's painful to have to "accept" that some people like things that you or I may view as harmful or scary. I've found that expressing my fear/pain to a safe person helps me get it out. And then I try to "be the change I wish to see in the world" and treat people with the kind of respect and gentleness that I'd like in return. You aren't alone. The way you see things is valid and needed in the world. Keep expressing, keep being true to who you are! <3 

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I've noticed a couple of people here are saying sex is not like that in reality but tbh... I think they've missed the point. It appears you already know that, hence "I know it's just a fantasy. But why is it?" and so the actual question you're asking is: even though it's just acting, why do many people get off this in the first place, especially men. Well I don't really know either, I've had the same thought myself for years :') But I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone with your thoughts, I have friends who also have these thoughts. In fact, one particular friend won't even consider guys who watch porn ahah

As for you losing faith in men as a result, just wanted to let you know that not all guys watch violent porn! Some don't even watch porn and some are just sex-repulsed. Speaking from experience, there are 2 guys I know who I find cute: one doesn't even watch porn, and the other is completely sex-repulsed it's amazing ahah. So try not to dwell on the negativity, focus on being positive, and I hope you meet your dream man, someone with whom these concerns won't even cross your mind :) 

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Username_2017

I am apparently very naive when it comes to this stuff and if I do discover my sexual side I would really rather it were with a man who was not into controlling and degrading. I'm 30 this year and it's way more common than I thought. It makes me sad. 

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I would provide a link to some more positive and realistic kink porn, but young 'uns and I don't want to get banned. Most of what you see in porn isn't realistic, for one thing, the people behind the scenes don't think consent or discussing a scene beforehand is what the audience wants to see. Aftercare is rarely shown, but necessary and important. This is all the tip of very big iceberg. (tried to use vanilla friendly links)

 

Ropes aren't randomly tied. There are specific knots, and specific points on the body and positions that are safer than others. Just to give an example. 

 

One might be surprised be the number of straight cismen who into being submissive and masochistic.

 

The kind of shaming that goes on in society in general leads to all sorts of dysfunction and broken relationships because people are so afraid to express themselves. They might not know it can be done in a safe, healthy, and consensual way. There are communities of people where we watch out for each other and help each other learn without the pressure to engage in sex with anyone. I've met aces in these communities (outside of LA!). 

 

Some like gentle sex, some like rough sex. It's pretty rare for someone to want be rough and/or kinky all the time. Variety is the spice of life.

 

Naivete makes me sad. Shaming makes me sad. 

 

P.S. https://www.ncsfreedom.org

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21 hours ago, Anime Pancake said:

(TMI sexual dont read)

 

I agree that I find sexuality is almost violent. Women often say that if the sex is not aggressive enough it is not satisfying. I think its just a natural thing for people that want sex.

 

I think its weird that people enjoy putting sexual body parts in their mouth and having body fluids etc on them.

 

I cant understand a lot about sexual people.

People also like to jump out of airplanes, climb mountains, go downhill skiing and a lot of other things that don’t make sense. 

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2 hours ago, Username_2017 said:

I am apparently very naive when it comes to this stuff and if I do discover my sexual side I would really rather it were with a man who was not into controlling and degrading. I'm 30 this year and it's way more common than I thought. It makes me sad. 

Most people are not into actually engaging in kink.  Some are but the great majority do things both partners like.  For them its a game. 

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15 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Most people are not into actually engaging in kink.  Some are but the great majority do things both partners like.  For them its a game. 

I think I know what you're saying, but to further clarify: kinky people like doing kinky stuff with other kinky people. To be into doing something to someone as opposed to with someone isn't kink, it's fucked up. All involved should be enjoying what's happening.

 

Vanilla folks are more common than kinksters. We're estimated at something like 10-20% depending on who you ask.

 

@Username_2017

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At the end of the day porn actors are just that: actors.

What you see is acting, and many folks enjoy that sort of fantasy despite never acting it out. I don't, but I'm...well I'm different.

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Janus the Fox

This is way outside mainstream porn, most porn really don't have any violent undertones, if done right, can be considered quite the opposite.

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There is no need for anyone to understand everything.  If you don't want to see something, then don't look at it, or read it, or go to the movie displaying it, or listen to it.  Try to recognize that people may do things you don't  like and that may disturb, sicken, or sadden you.  They're not doing it for you and they don't owe you an explanation of why they're doing it.  Just concentrate on your own life.  

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Username_2017

Sorry I didn't mean to shame anyone,it touched a raw nerve for me with a recent experience but that's my stuff to deal with. Apologies 

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11 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

For all that, sex can be passionate, and that can come out as roughness: it's a turn on for some because they interpreting it as their partner wanting them that much, that urgently, which means their feelings must be that strong. 

 

Exactly this is one of the reasons that I love it

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9 hours ago, Username_2017 said:

Sorry I didn't mean to shame anyone,it touched a raw nerve for me with a recent experience but that's my stuff to deal with. Apologies 

It's good to ask questions, especially when it affects you personally. ^_^ 

 

I don't feel shamed. I'm frustrated by the people who take something that is fun and consensual and twist it into a way to abuse others. 50 Shades has made this a big problem for us, and we want to protect people from the Christian Greys of the world. 50 Shades depicted an abusive relationship, not a safe, sane, consensual one.

 

If you don't enjoy it, it's not OK. Mutual enjoyment is paramount.

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  • 3 months later...

Hi, thanks for all the answers.

When I say "men" or "women" I mean most of them. I also know it's not always about men or women.

 

"Porn and sexuality are two different things."

But porn shows sexuality, porn shows what kind of sexuality people (mostly men) have? Argar said: "it's wish fulfillment."

 

"actual real sex is hardly ever like that."

I have read that a lot of men and boys take things from porn to real life sex, that they assume those things are normal to do. And like it has been said here a lot people are into bdsm.

"Movies =/= real world."

But movies depict peoples fantasies. As far as I know, when people watch movies, they don't usually like violent and bad antagonists, but why in porn usually men fantasize being the guy who hurts the woman?

 

"I choose to believe that most people are good" "Most men love and support the women in their lives."

Then why people fantasize about violent sex? If most men respect women, why women have been oppressed and in many cultures still are?

Biblioromantic, I know there's also feminist porn, vanilla porn etc, I just would like to know why violent porn is more popular.

" don't watch it if it upsets you"

I see porn ads that I don't want to see, I see images that almost are porn in instagram feed, random anime/movie sites... I see comics and jokes about porn.. And like I wrote, I have read a lot of articles etc. even though they make me very distressed. Because I try to understand. Same has been with videos. In many videos you don't know what is to come.

 

"there's nothing wrong with that or any other sexual act if two consenting adults want to do it together!"

I'm not saying bdsm is wrong, as long as all people are consenting. I just don't understand it. I actually like to fantasize my ocs doing light dominating, causing light pain and so on but i don't understand why people jack off to things like deep throat, choking, facials... it feels that in porn the men are trying to hurt and degrade as much as they can, like they hate the person they are fucking.

"Most of porn is nothing like real life though, in the same way most movies and books aren't like real life."

But if given a chance, would most men fave sex like in porn?

 

"Also,'most white men' don't play video games in where they kill black men."

I was trying to make imaginary situation, similar to most men liking violent porn. My english isn't perfect..

 

I know that violent acts aren't only in straight porn, Im trying to speak about majority.

 

"Perhaps you can distance yourself from porn and violent depictions of sex and try instead to look for elements of the kind of love you want."

Many, many things i have seen are permanently in my head. Every time I see a man I remember porn, I remember that majority of them watch porn and possibly that facial abuse shit. I don't understand how I'm supposed to accept these things, if someone has been similar situation like me, please tell me how do you accept these things.

 

"But I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone with your thoughts, I have friends who also have these thoughts."

I'm glad..

 

I know every man doesn't like porn, it just scares me that majority do. 

 

"focus on being positive"

I realize this is the only solution but i don't understand how is it possible

 

"I suspect many men, especially young ones, think they're supposed to get off on this, and don't want to admit they don't, particularly, because somehow being sensitive, or even fun, with women as equals, will make them less masculine."

I will never understand this.

 

"Vanilla folks are more common than kinksters."

Are people, who have vanilla sex but watch violent porn, vanilla?

 

"Just concentrate on your own life."

It's difficult... if i could move to another planet and erase my memory that would be good.

 

It's like god/nature/whatever designed sex to be violent. Pleasant for men and painful for women: men are designed to want to penetrate immediately, and most women have pain if done so. Many women feel pain even though they are wet. Clit is not stimulated during penetration, and for many dick causes pain to cervix. Many don't even feel enjoyment. And many men ENJOY that women feel pain during penetration.

 I also hardly ever feel pleasure. Often there's just uncomfortable feeling, no matter how aroused I am. I hate this body. if i had a nice, kind boyfriend, he'd still likely to secretly enjoy causing me pain. I just want to die

 

This is probably too long and mess and badly written but maybe if people write to this topic more I could maybe process more this thing

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1 hour ago, riekko said:

Are people, who have vanilla sex but watch violent porn, vanilla?

In the opinion of this kinkster, yes they are vanilla. I like to watch murder-mysteries. That doesn't make me a detective or a murderer, nor do I have any desire to be one. (Also, most BDSM porn is pretty bad)

 

It's not hard to find information about how porn differs from real life: one two. NSFW.

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I think you are judging by porn a bit too much. Porn is really not representative of reality. And extreme porn, like japanese stuff, is also not quite as commonly viewed as others. If you go to pornhub or something and look for top watched videos its pretty standard stuff. Gross imo cause I hate porn, but not particularly violent, just rough cause porn is like that. 

 

Yes some people try to bring porn moves into RL. But, often it isnt liked and it is often considered a downside of porn, not a positive. 

 

BDSM is not the violent, slap and punch and make people cry thing that porn shows. Not always, anyway. I am the "violent" one in it and it is about taking care of your sub, not hurting them. You learn exactly what they want. You learn what actually hurts them so you can avoid it. You learn how to make them feel cared for and trusting and safe. Then and only then should you do anything "violent" and what you are really producing isnt pain or fear, but pleasure and trust, if you are doing it right... which if they are into pain may involve some acts that hurt but the goal is to keep it safe and nice for them. And during you make sure they are actually the ones in control with safe words, so the power is all illusion. And afterwards you do lots of cuddling and making sure everything was OK for them.

 

Your goal is to make your sub blissful and happy, not scared or hurt or upset. And many times pain isnt even in it. Just illusion of giving over control and power. And since they are actually the ones in control, since its all about their boundaries and stuff, the power is never even shifted. 

 

And sometimes it might be gentle things too, like brushing their hair, shaving them, feeding them or otherwise taking care of them. 

 

But, most sexuality is just vanilla. Missionary is still a popular position. And, besides the fact people go fast, there isnt much violent about it. At least, its no more violent than fiercely hugging someone or quickly rubbing your arms to produce heat friction. It is actually pretty boring. 

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It's a good thing that this s*** upsets you. If seeing someone in pain (even simulated) makes you cringe, it means that you still have empathy.

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