Why sexuality is violent?

[James121]

Just now, CBC said:

Having the opportunity to apply and be considered for the job is equality. Being hired because she's a woman is not.

So being hired only due to your gender does not fall under 

the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, or opportunities

 

Weird.! I assumed that having  the OPPORTUNITY to take a job or role with better pay and prospects was an.........

 

 

 

 

Opportunity? Scratches head..

[James121]

Just now, CBC said:

What.

Huh.

[James121]

Last time I got a new job within my company I said to the managers “thank you for this opportunity”. 

 

They must have thought I was weird or something 😂😂😂

[James121]

3 minutes ago, CBC said:

I thought being considered for the job was the opportunity. And opportunity to potentially land that job. Saying "thank you for this opportunity" once you're hired sounds dumb, or at least some sort of overly-polite BS. I'd say "thank you for hiring me".

 

 

you don’t consider being hired as an opportunity?  

 

Seriously?

 

 

no seriously though! It’s not an opportunity? 🤦‍♂️ OMG

 

 

[James121]

I must admit though, saying “thanks for hiring me” sounds really cool and professional though. Just rolls off the tongue. 

 

It sounds much better then the dumb, overly polite BS I came out with. 

 

I’ll remember to use that next time I get the opportunity.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

or not because I don’t want to come across as an idiot 🤭

[Philip027]

I feel like we could have avoided a half page of back and forth if James had just put some sarcastic airquotes around "equality"

[James121]

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

I feel like we could have avoided a half page of back and forth if James had just put some sarcastic airquotes around "equality"

And this was a using the page well? ⬆️ I don’t thinks so Phillip026.

[James121]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

If someone hired me 'cause I don't have a penis and not because they believed I was better than everyone else who applied, and I found out that was why, I'd be pretty pissed off.

 

Maybe if I was absolutely equal in every conceivable way and the company was actively trying to increase their female staff. But if someone was better, bleh.

You’ve almost written that in a way that suggests you didn’t realise it happens.

[Pandark]

Would it hurt to be a bit more.. chivalrous, James?

 

Anyway, equality is quite a paradoxical thing. There is equality of opportunity and equality of outcome. In society there can only be compromise between the two. Not sure if this is going off-topic, but felt this might add some perspective.

 

As to why is sexuality violent? I would pose a somewhat rhetorical question: what would the world look like if there were only males/females/other single genders?

I'm guessing pretty boring, with little progress and violence would probably be more physical/psychological depending.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I believe in equity, not equality. Which yes, sometimes means opening "X-identity only" positions, until we reach a state of actual equality. We're nowhere near actual equality yet.

Spoiler

 

[James121]

7 hours ago, CBC said:

I said absolutely no such thing.

 

This is inane. I've got better things to do like bitch at my local fellow middle class white people on Reddit who believe their precious children shouldn't have to see homeless people whilst visiting the public library.

 

Have a good day, James.

Bye 👋. 

[James121]

6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I believe in equity, not equality. Which yes, sometimes means opening "X-identity only" positions, until we reach a state of actual equality. We're nowhere near actual equality yet.

  Hide contents

 

Nice picture. Problem being when one adult gets to stand and peer over the fence and one adult gets to sit comfortably on the box it’s neither equality or equity.

[Pandark]

I like that picture and I don't see anyone "sitting back comfortably". Should less qualified women be chosen over more qualified men? Probably not, but being at (approximately) the same level "ladies first" is in my opinion, for several reasons, the right thing to do. In practice, the opposite often happens. Some of many reasons: women are generally less dominant, they're hardwired to take less risk than men which is bad for their negotiating position, and of course centuries old work culture where men dominate and choose their successors from among like minded individuals, most often men.

 

So yeah, the game is in some ways as rigged as the stock market. I mean, everyone 'sort of' gets a chance but the old money always determines the direction of the new money, meaning opportunity can never be equal. Luckily a fair job market is somewhat easier to work towards. By the way, I believe in the free market and consider myself in many ways a classical liberal/libertarian. I'm not sure if political interference is key here, but at least we men should acknowledge this is an issue. A little bit of empathy/understanding will go a long way.

[Xstatic]

1 hour ago, Morte said:

I like that picture and I don't see anyone "sitting back comfortably". Should less qualified women be chosen over more qualified men? Probably not, but being at (approximately) the same level "ladies first" is in my opinion, for several reasons, the right thing to do. In practice, the opposite often happens. Some of many reasons: women are generally less dominant, they're hardwired to take less risk than men which is bad for their negotiating position, and of course centuries old work culture where men dominate and choose their successors from among like minded individuals, most often men.

 

So yeah, the game is in some ways as rigged as the stock market. I mean, everyone 'sort of' gets a chance but the old money always determines the direction of the new money, meaning opportunity can never be equal. Luckily a fair job market is somewhat easier to work towards. By the way, I believe in the free market and consider myself in many ways a classical liberal/libertarian. I'm not sure if political interference is key here, but at least we men should acknowledge this is an issue. A little bit of empathy/understanding will go a long way.

Thank you.

[anisotrophic]

2 hours ago, Morte said:

they're hardwired to take less risk than men which is bad for their negotiating position

Or they're punished. I was once laughed at when asking for a very reasonable job title improvement. If that's what I get to my face, I'm left to guess at the subtle and more silent biases that people will have towards me. (So... if I'm punished trying to promote myself, maybe I can promote others, and then ... will they promote me? Nah. Golden rule failures will abound. )

@Morte, it may be even more helpful to suspect that women have behaviors for a reason, rather than assuming the differences are biological. By preschool, children are happily enforcing gender rules on each other.

And yes, I have really hated when it seemed that I was promoted or awarded things by virtue of being female. It felt awful, like I wasn't admired for my work... just "amazing work... for a woman". (Do you see the problem? If that's how people think of my work, I'm going to have trouble seeing that work succeed! They don't trust it, in its own right.) IMHO if men want to help women, try promoting the women they know for the work they do, don't try to band-aid this stuff by sticking a "reserved for women" tag to some chairs.

[Pandark]

20 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

@Morte, it may be even more helpful to suspect that women have behaviors for a reason, rather than assuming the differences are biological. By preschool, children are happily enforcing gender rules on each other.

You're right to point out it's easy to assume differences are mostly biological. Upon consideration, gender enforcement is a thing I can relate to. When teams were made I was always last to be picked. I just didn't meet "boy standards". Hated it. Felt like every time any team sport was played my pants were pulled down before the whole class (they weren't literally, mind you). I did learn an important lesson, though it was kind of painful. Anyway, just reflecting upon what you said and sharing my experience.🙂

[FaerieFate]

well, don't base all of sex on porn. Porn is very unnatural. It's acting. Sex isn't like that at all (based on what actual porn stars have said about sex).

 

In terms of BDSM in sex, some people like that and do do it. From what I've heard, bondage itself is about trust. You trust your partner won't hurt you, will take care of you, will take care of your sexual needs, will stop if you tell them too, etc. With Domination and Submission, it's about control. Some people like to have more control, and this gives them that outlet. Some people don't want control, they just want to give it all over to someone else, and this gives them that outlet. It's very important for the dominant to consider the needs and personality of the would-be submissive to know if it's right for them and tell them 'no' if it isn't. Having too much or too little control is very stressful to some people depending on the personality, so they use domination and submission as an outlet to give them more/less depending on what they need (if too little is stressful they use this to get more and vise-versa) but it's really only for people that want to give up all of the control or take all of the control, there's no in between. In terms of the "violence" as you call it, some people get off on giving pain or experiencing pain. They enjoy it.

 

And combine all of that, it's all about trust. They have to have a safe word, the sub has to trust that the dom will stop if they give the safe word. The dom trusts that the sub will give the safe word if they aren't into it. The sub has to trust that the dom wants the sub to feel pleasure and enjoy it. If they give a list of 'don'ts' then the sub has to trust that the dom will abide by that list. It's not about sex or getting off so much as it's about trust, control, and pleasure. And obviously there's a lot of room to go wrong, which kind of sucks because you'd hope that people don't take advantage of each other like that.

 

And these things aren't always sexual. I've known people that do this in a nonsexual light.

 

I mean, there's no nonsexual videos of BDSM, but I think people like it in porn because they'd like to think if given the opportunity they'd be the dominant or submissive. Or they want to be the dominant or submissive, but they know they wouldn't trust the other enough to go through with it. IT's like, "I hate making decisions, , I wish I could give up all control like that and just obey." But they know realistically they couldn't. Or it's like, "I hate having no control in my life. I wish if given the opportunity I could just do whatever I want." But they know realistically they wouldn't have the confidence to do so.

 

But ultimately, porn is extreme. If you had videos of normal sex, it'd be boring, no one would watch it. If they wanted normal sex they'd just have it. And people that can't just get sex that easily are more drawn to wanting more/less control so they can either just do what they want or so they can just get what they want with none of the effort.

 

Obviously porn doesn't talk about all of the trust, pleasure found in pain, safe words, etc. Which is really dangerous because people see this in porn and they just do it having no knowledge of the safety precautions they should take and people get hurt. But in real life, BDSM isn't that way. There's a lot of complex emotions and feelings behind it, and there's a lot that goes on behind the scenes that it can't show porn because it's boring or it ruins the fantasy.

 

Sex, compared to porn, is pretty boring from what I've heard. Not boring in terms of it feels really good (if done right, there's an ongoing joke that men don't know how to make women feel good), but a lot less stuff going on than porn depicts. Also, there should be A LOT more communication in sex than porn depicts. So that each party knows how to make the other feel good.

[NickyTannock]

I've moved this thread from 'Questions about Asexuality' to 'Asexual Musings and Rantings'.
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

[suzanna12]

I think you should, first of all, stop watching porn. It seems to me that your view of sex and men is getting badly damaged for something that doesn't have to touch your life in any shape or form. I'm a sexual person and I've had dozens of sexual partners (all men) in my life. And I can tell you that if any of these men ever watched violent porn, it never showed in any way in bed (or in any aspect of the relationships, for that matter). Even passionate sex was never rooted in violence or dominance but instead in the desire to be even closer to this other person. Also, I've never experienced domestic violence nor even a threat of it. By a large majority real sex is pretty vanilla and rooted in something as mundane as just liking being close to another person. And it's definitely very boring if you compare it to porn.

 

I was fortunate to not see porn when I was young (no Internet at the time and when I saw it first as an adult, I found it mechanical and weird. It lacked the very things I had always associated with sex; intimacy, genuine feelings and trust. My friend on the other hand had seen porn when she was still a teenager and it affected her a lot. Later on in life she realised that she had formed her idea of what sex was around porn and that it had always made her "act" in bed. She behaved like a porn actress when in bed with someone and tried to be hyper-sexual, daring and kinky. While you could think that a lot of men would have liked that, most men actually had seemed somewhat confused and even intimidated by her porn actress persona in bed. She had to go through a lot of soul searching to find her way out of it and to redefine what sex meant for her.

 

Violent porn as well as many kinks are something that not everyone will ever understand, including me. But please separate them into their own boxes. For example, dominance-submission role playing is definitely a thing that many consensually enjoy together but it doesn't have to have any kind of a place in your life if it's not your cup of tea. There are so very many other ways to have sex and believe me, men and women are surprisingly similar in enjoying the emotional connection and deepening of feelings that sex can bring to those who consensually want and enjoy it.