i dont think i want to be aro? (vent, sorry)

[Ooo]

i think im aroace. the thing i dont get is that asexuality is talked about far more than aromanticism. is it that its more common? because i get that everyones experiences are different, but the aro part of my identity affects me FAR MORE than the ace part. 

 

if youre aro and you dont want to read something that is a bit of a downer probably best not to continue reading this post lol

 

every film, every tv show, every song that i love, i cant understand. i cant understand why my friends pair up. i cant understand why my parents are together. i cant understand when someone likes me. then i hurt them. because i dont understand. i feel like im only experiencing a small portion of what it means to be human. 

before considered that i was aro i thought i was just sensible and had high standards. i was kind of pleased with myself tbh, that i wasnt having stupid teenage breakups and stuff. but as soon as i thought about it and realised that i just dont think im capable of those feelings it was like a cage had crashed down on me. no one will ever complete me. ill never understand what it is everyones talking about. that experience that is mean to be so beautiful and important. in my mind i want to want people. i want to have someone who cares for me and would be there for me. but emotionally, in my heart or whatever, i cant want it. its like, the opposite of 'my minds telling me no, but my bodys telling me yes' lmao

 

i really appreciate the positivity of these forums but i also find it frustrating. i dont know if i can be satisfied with the hand ive been dealt. the main rhetoric for aro positivity seems to be to really emphasise the importance of friendship and platonic love, but thats kind of. empty to me. i have friends but i just dont connect to people on that deep a level anyway. and they have romantic relationships. i know my relationship with other people wont be valued by them as highly as they value their 'special other half' person. it just feels sad and kind of like a joke. 

 

when i was trying to figure out my orientation i considered a lot of other things. i found community with lgb ppl and related a lot to their criticism of hetero normativity since i too found it alienating, although i wasnt 100% sure why yet. but when they post about how great and fulfilling and loving their relationships are i just feel... envious. and i feel scummy and bad for feeling that way since i know that gay people embracing and celebrating their love is really important and good and in part is key in hitting back at homophobia, so twisting that around and being bitter about it is obviously kind of selfish but. i just wish it could be me

 

sorry about the negativity, i dont really know what else to do i just needed to vent

[Galactic Turtle]

Hello!

 

I'm also aro ace.

 

1 hour ago, Ooo said:

the aro part of my identity affects me FAR MORE than the ace part.

This is true for me and true for (I think) a fair amount of others as well. I think heteronormativity is talked about a lot. You even mentioned it in your post how it's often brought up in the LGB groups you've been to. A term that I don't see being discussed is amatonormativity which I think is what really has the aro experience have more of an impact on one's life than their ace one.

 

Amatonormativity: The assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types.

 

1 hour ago, Ooo said:

every film, every tv show, every song that i love, i cant understand. i cant understand why my friends pair up. i cant understand why my parents are together. i cant understand when someone likes me. then i hurt them. because i dont understand. i feel like im only experiencing a small portion of what it means to be human. 

before considered that i was aro i thought i was just sensible and had high standards. i was kind of pleased with myself tbh, that i wasnt having stupid teenage breakups and stuff.

Same here! It took me a few years into high school to realize that my friends weren't just pretending or exaggerating. Because stories of romance are all around us, I knew how to identify when things were happening. I learned what to say to my friends and how to make people feel better but that did not change the fact that I truly could not empathize with their experiences and that things sometimes got to the point where I asked them out loud why they can't just stop feeling a certain way if this person or that person makes them so upset or unstable. I thought whatever bug they had would hit me like a truck someday. I thought that's what puberty was. But like you, I figured maybe I was just too sensible. My friends, after all, can tend to be quite theatrical. It's when the other seemingly sensible ones also started experiencing the same things albeit in a more muted manner when I began to think I was just different somehow in perhaps a not good way.

 

1 hour ago, Ooo said:

no one will ever complete me. ill never understand what it is everyones talking about. that experience that is mean to be so beautiful and important.

That's amatonormativity right there!

 

1 hour ago, Ooo said:

the main rhetoric for aro positivity seems to be to really emphasise the importance of friendship and platonic love, but thats kind of. empty to me. i have friends but i just dont connect to people on that deep a level anyway.

I also know this and while I did try to... I suppose, play up my friendships in my mind to meet this standard - I also realize that the thought that one needs this deep, unwavering connection to anyone is also the impact of amatonormativity. This constant talk of having squishes and wanting a queer platonic partner, while that works for some people, is still a foreign concept to me that really seems forced by this imagined necessity to have a life partner.

 

1 hour ago, Ooo said:

sorry about the negativity, i dont really know what else to do i just needed to vent

Venting is great! I'm not sure if this helps at all but I've been trying to ignore what the majority seems to think I should feel or how my life should be structured. I looked back on my life to try and pinpoint the types of relationships that worked best for me. I came to the conclusion that I really did enjoy the academic environment of my earlier years. It was an all girls private school where, whether it be a group project or the distant goal of going to a good college and entering a certain career, we were all striving for something. My favorite activities were playing lacrosse and building sets for school plays. For these activities there was no feeling better to me than the feeling of being part of a good team, achieving something, and pushing each other to do better. At the same time I could also go home and be by myself whenever I wanted. I was also part of a rock band with my immediate friends. Again, I loved creating things with them and having that common goal shared between us.

 

In adulthood this doesn't equate to finding a life partner, moving in together, and raising kids or cute animals. Instead this involves accepting challenging jobs with the goal of mastering a certain set of skills and as I progress, I find myself becoming part of better and better teams of people accomplishing things that maybe would've seemed impossible to me X amount of years ago. I get so much joy out of this. It's even better when you end up working on the same project with someone you haven't seen in years and you get to see firsthand how much they've learned and you can exchange knowledge. While my friends do all pursue romantic relationships, this does not bother me at all. While I may not entirely understand them, I do know what makes them happy and I enjoy hearing them talk about their partners. Not to mention I've always been up for some good gossip. I have no shame.

 

Soon I'll be moving into a home specifically for women (I've never been able to feel comfortable around men due to many factors) ages 18-34 in the city I'm in currently. It's a really beautiful place and everyone there is pursuing their career of choice. It kind or replicates my old academic environment so I'm really excited about it. It would be a lie to say I never feel like a freak or that I don't feel broken, but I think it is good to try to come to terms with not just what you don't want, but what you do want. Once you figure that out I think it's easier to pursue the things that fit you even if to many other people it might feel like you're lacking something. The default structure of one's life is heavily dependent on this concept of a life partner (*glares at amatonormativity*), so it can be a disorienting feeling when you realize you don't want that. 

[nolanpaints]

With the aro stuff, pretty much all of that is exactly how I feel too! I don't really have any advice to give you because I'm currently struggling with the same thing, I guess (at least for me) it's good I know I'm not the only one who feels this way? 

[Duke Memphis]

I'm a romantic ace, but I believe that you don't need romance to have family. You just need love. A lot of people mix the terms up, but while romance is a feeling, love is an understanding. As someone who has spent much of his life studying and analyzing people, I think that you think that romance equals love and togetherness. It doesn't.

 

Being aro doesn't mean that you lack love. Take a step back and appreciate the good people in your life. The more you appreciate, the more you understand. The more you understand, the more you love.

[Ooo]

@Galactic Turtle thats all actully ... rlly nice to read. thanks. its interesting to see someone describe how they feel so similarly to how i feel. thanks

 

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

15 hours ago, Ooo said:

i think im aroace. the thing i dont get is that asexuality is talked about far more than aromanticism. is it that its more common? because i get that everyones experiences are different, but the aro part of my identity affects me FAR MORE than the ace part. 

I used to believe this as well. However, try to imagine if you were sexual but aromantic. You would still participate in that activity that most people seem to enjoy. Socially, your behavior would be fairly acceptable to the majority. I'm not saying it would be easy, but I think easier than being aro ace. Being aromantic and asexual at the same time really compound on one another to make a person feel like a social outcast. It's too difficult to separate the two and say that aromanticism affects you more than asexuality, because you can't really know what it is like to be a romantic asexual, or a sexual aromantic (only imagine).

 

16 hours ago, Ooo said:

i feel like im only experiencing a small portion of what it means to be human. 

before considered that i was aro i thought i was just sensible and had high standards. i was kind of pleased with myself tbh, that i wasnt having stupid teenage breakups and stuff. but as soon as i thought about it and realised that i just dont think im capable of those feelings it was like a cage had crashed down on me. no one will ever complete me. ill never understand what it is everyones talking about. that experience that is mean to be so beautiful and important.

This is just a message that society has pounded into your thoughts. Yes, romantic love is a very big deal for most people. In the absence of romantic love though, you have an opportunity to have other fulfilling experiences in your life, such as travelling, teaching, volunteering, or showing compassion. Remember that romantic love takes up very much of a person's life, giving them less time for other pursuits.

 

16 hours ago, Ooo said:

i know my relationship with other people wont be valued by them as highly as they value their 'special other half' person. it just feels sad and kind of like a joke.

I hate to admit it, but this part is true in most cases. I'm 39 now, and almost all of my friends have gotten married. One by one they've paired off with people and I get to spend less time with them. The first few times this happens, it is quite painful, until you realize that this is just the natural course of things. However, less time with old friends means you can have more time to make new friends. Eventually, you can expand the amount of connections you have with people, if you work at it.

 

16 hours ago, Ooo said:

but when they post about how great and fulfilling and loving their relationships are i just feel... envious.

Envy is perfectly OK to feel. (Envy means you want something like someone else has, whereas jealousy means you want to take what someone else has, which is not OK). I am envious of the artistic skills of some electronic music producers, for example.  Yes, it's difficult when someone else experiences something that you can't. But, you can have experiences in your life that others will be envious of, that they can't fulfill due to being tied down with a romantic partner (and kids, and in-laws).

 

Instead of focusing on what you are missing, try to focus on what you do have. As an aro ace, you are free of SO MUCH DRAMA. I hear stuff from my married friends about the quibbles they have with their spouses, and the balancing acts, and the walking on egg shells. I am so so grateful I've never had to deal with any of that.

 

As an aro ace, you won't feel the appetite, or hunger for such relationships either. I feel bad for people who crave a romantic relationship, but can't seem to find what they need so bad. Instead of being hungry, you don't have to eat at all!

 

Freedom is a commodity enjoyed by so few people, but it won't be a problem for you. Embrace it, and spend your life doing whatever you feel like doing in the moment.

[Strawberry ice cream]

20 hours ago, Duke Memphis said:

I'm a romantic ace, but I believe that you don't need romance to have family. You just need love. A lot of people mix the terms up, but while romance is a feeling, love is an understanding. As someone who has spent much of his life studying and analyzing people, I think that you think that romance equals love and togetherness. It doesn't.

 

Being aro doesn't mean that you lack love. Take a step back and appreciate the good people in your life. The more you appreciate, the more you understand. The more you understand, the more you love.

This is true. I consider myself aro but I am able to love deeply. But without romance. Romance makes me uncomfortable. There IS difference...

[SilentRose]

Im sorry your feeling this way...I relate to a lot of what you said. 

 

I want to say, as someone who identifies on the aromantic spectrum, I've found such happiness in my relationship...I thought sharing my story might help you. 

 

When I was in the early stages of the relationship, I wanted so badly to love him as much as he loves me. I wanted that feeling of heart racing, magnetic attraction, feeling like everything is right when your with this person. That attraction was never there for me, and I doubt it ever will be, with anyone, and that is a difficult pill to swallow. 

 

But what was there for me, after my focus on finding romantic love dissipated, was this person who I became so close to that taught me so much...kindness, outgoingness, confidence, selflessness. I've driven two hours to pick him up from the hospital, he's held me when I was so upset I couldn't even explain why I was crying. After all this, I still don't have the feeling of wanting to kiss him, of needing to see him, of wanting to be with him all the time, of wanting to stare into his eyes. I see him as a best friend, who I still sometimes find frustrating, who I still sometimes will brush off to see my friends or sister. But in a lot of ways, he is my better half. He's the loud to my quiet, and he makes me question how I treat people...he makes me a better person. 

 

Life is more than chasing this elusive feeling of "romance", whatever that means. I love my friends, I love my sister, and I love my boyfriend- they complete me. I like my job, and I love having hope that I will find a job I even love someday. Love exists in all forms, and they all matter so much

 

[verymelancholic]

I'm not aro but I'm demi and I can relate to you. I really don't understand how romantic love works. That's why I fear it. Every time I started to develop feelings for someone I'm close to I ruin it. Eventually the feelings die off and I end up feeling worse. I really don't want to be alone and single in my 30s. I probably have no say in this matter because I've never been in a relationship before. But even if I did, I'd probably be the worst SO ever. I wouldn't know what I'd do.

 

There's even kind of a joke between me and a few people that I "haven't even entered the field" yet the others have already gone to at least first base with someone. Some have been together with their SO for years.