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#GenderProblems


PixleyDust✨

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nerdperson777
24 minutes ago, Pixley said:

Not sure what size I am in Boy’s.

 

I know I’m a Small when it comes to Men’s shirts, and a 32x29 in Men’s pants.

 

But I’m also AFAB and skinny. So I can’t imagine I’d be much bigger than you guys. I’ll give 16 a shot and go from there. 

 

Thanks!

 

#gendersolutions 💜

I don't know. I just have a big enough set of shoulders to avoid misgendering by strangers so that could increase my shirt size. But I like loose clothes so I wear medium unisex shirts when small fits. Pants are 31x30. But of course 31 isn't actually my waist. 30 is just a good even number for when I get pants to make room for shrinking. My problem is huge muscular thighs. 

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PixleyDust✨
24 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

I don't know. I just have a big enough set of shoulders to avoid misgendering by strangers so that could increase my shirt size. But I like loose clothes so I wear medium unisex shirts when small fits. Pants are 31x30. But of course 31 isn't actually my waist. 30 is just a good even number for when I get pants to make room for shrinking. My problem is huge muscular thighs. 

I’m not hardset on 32. I could probably comfortably pull off a 31 or even a 30 (30 would probably be my limit though).

 

In fact, my 32s are comfy, but a little baggy for my boy side’s taste, since he prefers things a bit more form fitting. But I got to wear them if I’m going to be packing; my skinny, women’s pants make things...obvious. 😳

 

But otherwise, I like things a little loose too. Just baggy enough to hang comfortably, but fitting enough to still be flattering. 

 

And I kind of also have big-ish thighs (although I can’t boast it’s muscle). I’m pretty sure they’re the reason my packer won’t stay in place when I wear it. 😆

 

And I did a little more research, and a X-Large for Boy’s Underwear (18-20), would be right up my alley in terms of the waist size. I mean, the max is a 30” waist and I’m 32”, but I think it’d be fine. It’s worth a shot. :)

 

Guess I just thought, being an adult female, if I wanted to dress as an adult male I had to buy Men’s clothes. 

 

#logic

 

So glad to have this site. Clearly, I needed it. 

 

Learning is fun. The more you know. 🌈

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InfiniteNull
1 hour ago, Pixley said:

Don’t hide it. That show’s AMAZING. 🤩

 

And I’m not saying Stevonnie is bigender, necessarily. It’s just characters like her and Garnet that help coming to terms with my own identity feel less like a burden and a little more fun. 

 

The whole spirit of that show, and those characters, remind me that exploring my gender identity isn’t always confusion, and anxiety, and shame, and dysphoria. In fact, it can be exciting and different and cool.

 

But Stevonnie is definitely non-binary, or at least, gender non-conforming, that’s for sure. 😊

 

Can’t wait for that summer return. Hate that I’m all caught up, CAUSE THE WAIT IS KILLING ME. 😆

Yeah, Stevonnie is certainly a "ha ha! you thought gender was easy, now watch this" I think... I love that they put little bits and pieces of gender in there like if I remember at one point they even have a few chin-hairs... it's great :)

 

SU makes me feel good about myself, and hopeful for the world. It's such good and wholesome messages for young people and exciting "yay" moments for queer people. I can't wait for it to come back either ♥♥♥

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Celyn: The Lutening

I have a #genderproblem: NOT getting "is it a boy or a girl" stares for once, and hoping that it means you're passing really, really well; but fearing that it means you're totally failing.

(Friends parents thought I - and a bunch of other transmasculine peeps - were cis boys, but then again I got honked at on the way home, so ????)

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Ms. Carolynne

@Celyn What does getting honked at have to do with gender?

 

Where I'm from it's either somebody that recognizes you, or an idiot that heckles pedestrians ('cause walking is never reasonable, and using one's feet is for losers :rolleyes:)

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Celyn: The Lutening

Here it's usually men harassing women that they think are "hot", for who knows what reason.

Though I guess it could have been someone who recognised me, but it was a motorbike and he was wearing a helmet, and didn't stop.

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PixleyDust✨
12 hours ago, Celyn said:

Here it's usually men harassing women that they think are "hot", for who knows what reason.

Though I guess it could have been someone who recognised me, but it was a motorbike and he was wearing a helmet, and didn't stop.

Yep, they were most likely harassing you. I’ve gotten honked at for this same reason.

 

Ugh. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I haven’t figured out the deeper reasoning behind this either besides that those particular individuals are creeps.

 

Of course, I’ve also gotten honked at (actually almost ran over) for the reason @G1P0 mentioned, about “being heckled for being a pedestrian”. Doesn’t exactly feel any better. Either way, those kinds of drivers are clearly jerks. 

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PixleyDust✨
17 hours ago, InfiniteNull said:

Yeah, Stevonnie is certainly a "ha ha! you thought gender was easy, now watch this" I think... I love that they put little bits and pieces of gender in there like if I remember at one point they even have a few chin-hairs... it's great :)

 

SU makes me feel good about myself, and hopeful for the world. It's such good and wholesome messages for young people and exciting "yay" moments for queer people. I can't wait for it to come back either ♥♥♥

YES I REMEMBER THAT AND SQUEED.

 

Rebecca Sugar might just be my new God for that alone. 😆

 

And I feel the same way about how empowering this show is for me. In fact, it was this show that not only enlightened me to the internalized misogyny I didn’t realize I had, but actually helped me get in touch with my feminine side, after years of subconsciously associating it with weakness and one-dimensional characters that I couldn’t relate to. I was under the impression that strong women were strong because they were masculine. 

 

But then this show was just like NOPE. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW BADASS SPARKLES, DANCING, AND THE COLOR PINK CAN BE.

 

This show doesn’t just give me hope...

 

IT GIVES ME ALL THE HOPE. 💖

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ElasticPlanet

#Genderproblems: nagging doubt.

 

Am I really agender or just generic nonbinary? Is it OK that my choice of the agender label includes a little bit of protest at having had gendered things pushed on me? Now that I've spent a couple of years trying out more femme things in my presentation, and as it happens, wanted to keep doing most of them, am I starting to look more gendered rather than less? If it turns out that my ideal presentation is slightly on the femme side, should I take that as a clue that I've been mistaken about my social sense of gender (which has been the foundation stone of my agender label)? Will the idea of medical transition keep coming up, but also keep seeming like the wrong answer, forever? If some time warp machine existed that could rewrite history to give me a different assigned gender, why do I feel like I can't even decide if I'd want to use it? Is it that there's no right answer for me, that I don't know the right answer, or that I'm avoiding an answer I don't want to deal with?

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nerdperson777

I was taking my tai chi class earlier and the owner/instructor was discussing with us the schedule for the new session. She probably still thinks I'm a girl because of the papers I filled out for her classes while everyone else considers me a guy. She said that she was going to offer tai chi fan, the weapon that was on the top priority of things that I wanted to learn. I had to consciously not react like a fangirl for her to not think I'm a girl. I really wanted to squeal in a high pitched voice if there weren't people around. 

 

I'm still becoming more feminine as time goes. 😆 I don't really know what weapon can be girlier than fan, in terms of gender coded weapons. I was also geeking out at the other classes that were being offered because I wanted to learn them ALL. More squealing that I had to restrain from. 

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Ms. Carolynne

I really want to shave my arms, but I'm worried that would be weird. I just can't stand looking at it anymore, it gives me a sense of revulsion.

 

Most of my body hair does actually, but it's not as visible because of clothes and such, so it doesn't bug me as much.

 

It's too warm to throw on a long sleeve though, blech. Plus my work uniform is a t-shirt >.<

 

I don't know, I've just been really self conscious about my arms lately.

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PixleyDust✨
1 hour ago, G1P0 said:

I really want to shave my arms, but I'm worried that would be weird. I just can't stand looking at it anymore, it gives me a sense of revulsion.

 

Most of my body hair does actually, but it's not as visible because of clothes and such, so it doesn't bug me as much.

 

It's too warm to throw on a long sleeve though, blech. Plus my work uniform is a t-shirt >.<

 

I don't know, I've just been really self conscious about my arms lately.

Story Time:

 

In my teenage years (9th grade to be exact) I tried shaving my arms once.

 

Not only was it a pain in the butt, but that stubble felt really weird and prickly. Of course, I’m a really sensitive and tactile person; if a texture feels right, it feels AMAZING, but if it feels wrong or unpleasant, it’s TORTURE.

 

Plus, I was succumbing to some subtle peer pressure, when some girls in my English class and my teacher were joking around. They joked that if one of them had a lot of leg hair, they’d look like a caveman. No one was actually being made fun of, and I thought it was funny too, until I looked down at my own legs and realized UM WAIT MY LEGS ARE SUPER HAIRY. 

 

Then I became supernaturally aware of ALL MY BODY HAIR. Not only did I not want to look like a caveman, but I didn’t want them to feel bad or embarrassed for an innocent joke. 

 

Gotta love that teenage angst and insecurity.

 

It’s just the bee’s knees. 🐝

 

*sigh*

 

Now that I got that out of the way, it’s...

 

Advice Time:

 

If the revulsion is really that strong, maybe you could try investing in a bikini trimmer (I recommend a Clio since it comes with three different sized guides, it’s just a little less than $10, and you can find it at Walmart) and using that with a guide so that you could trim the hair down to something finer and thin the hair out.

 

No stubble, no trouble.

 

But I also want to reassure you that girls have arm hair too. Some of them have dark arm hair, some have lighter, some thicker, some thinner. Body hair or no body hair, just know that either way you go, it doesn’t invalidate your femininity.

 

In fact, there are lots of girls that like their body hair because they feel more like women for it, but everbody’s different.

 

Frida Khalo, comes to mind 💕:

 

frida_12-540s.jpg

 

And if it makes you feel any better, even when I’m feeling straight up MALE (maybe even especially so), even I don’t like to be hairy. So, I’m thinking one’s attitude about body hair comes down to personal preference.  

 

Here’s hoping that ANY of this was helpful. 😊

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InfiniteNull
5 hours ago, G1P0 said:

I really want to shave my arms, but I'm worried that would be weird. I just can't stand looking at it anymore, it gives me a sense of revulsion.

 

Most of my body hair does actually, but it's not as visible because of clothes and such, so it doesn't bug me as much.

 

It's too warm to throw on a long sleeve though, blech. Plus my work uniform is a t-shirt >.<

 

I don't know, I've just been really self conscious about my arms lately.

My approach for transitioning to this:

 

First, trim... use clippers with the shortest guard you can put on it (a 1 if possible) and trim down... leave arms like that for a couple of weeks... nobody notices and it builds confidence. 

 

Next, re-trim, and then shave bits all the way that add to the "monkey look"... that is, if there are parts of the hair that are on the back of your hand, shave that... if your fingers have some hair... shave them... etc... make it look trim and neat and leave the shorter hair on the arms... leave that for a week about... nobody notices and it builds confidence. 

 

Then finally... shave it all the way off... keep it smooth and enjoy... probably because of the gradual process nobody will notice that you did it... however... someone might some day ask if you shave your arms... if they do here is my answer:

 

"The hair on my arms really bugs me... like the feeling of it is very distracting so I just shave it off" then shrug... excuse accepted... 

 

:)

 

It's funny that you mention this though... because I've just started down this path for the first time in a while... my arm hair makes me feel like a darn ape... even though like it's light in color and is hardly obvious... it still just feels ICK!!!! I already shave my legs once a week, and much of my body intermittently but my arms I've been leaving for a little bit because I've been afraid of being outed. Then I remembered that I took this approach ages ago and it seemed to work just fine... So I am doing it again... in fact the final shave comes this weekend for me

Pixley has a good point though... I've seen plenty of cis women that have relatively bushy arms 

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InfiniteNull

Update: I decided to go with just clipper length rather than razor shave. I think that too close of a shave would have stood out too much... of course I have tons of freckles and white hair so this may not work for everybody... 

 

8FXl7GR.png

 

I think it makes my arm look ambiguous enough 🐱 At least you can't tell my gender, or assume the wrong gender based on the photograph of my arm... well... I guess the pink blanket may create some bias but ignore that part 😛 it was just the best backdrop that I had around at the time. 

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ElasticPlanet
13 hours ago, G1P0 said:

I really want to shave my arms, but I'm worried that would be weird. I just can't stand looking at it anymore, it gives me a sense of revulsion.

I'm sorry worry is a thing. It comes up for me too, in different ways. Anyway, I decided to play my gender more genderqueer today at a social event. Although I kept my facial stubble (trimmed down to a nice comfortable level) everything else had to go towards the femme side of things. Shaved my arms as close to perfectly as I could. My usual basic colour correcting makeup.

 

Are you worried people will notice your arm hair is suddenly gone but everything else is the same?

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PixleyDust✨

When a comic addresses #genderproblems and crushes the FUCK OUT OF IT. 💕

 

#gendersolutions

#youreallvalidnomatterwhat

#youbeautifulgenderrebels

 

89ff2bb511f38a1b24ebde1e761cd689.jpg

 

2ae924ed3b63634574d0c4a1114e61d4.jpg

01da13e53f9d5f61a5f20186425d8494.jpg

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I am having an interesting situation, maab started cross dressing when I was young and carried that through out my teen's into Adult Hood. I thought about transitioning a few times but never seriously, I realized I just wanted breasts, so after a few years of considering this I decided to look into having cosmetic surgery, ended up having male breast augmentation surgery and now have a set of  noticeable boobs.

 

Was out with friends they asked me what I was doing about summer and swiming pools. It hit me that I'm going to need a swim top now. That even though I am male I can't go topless it really struck me I now think of my chest prior to my surgery and just going out to a pool or the shore no be deal. I look in the mirror and see my chest now and get anxiety feelings. Not sure how I should feel or what to do regarding my situation. 

 

I know I will need to wear something but quite afraid how I'm going to feel going out in public

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nerdperson777
On 5/18/2018 at 10:58 PM, Pixley said:

But I also want to reassure you that girls have arm hair too. Some of them have dark arm hair, some have lighter, some thicker, some thinner. Body hair or no body hair, just know that either way you go, it doesn’t invalidate your femininity.

My cousin told me a few years ago that it looked like I had a sea urchin in my armpit, and that it was really dark.  T just makes it darker, from what I've noticed.  It was already kinda dark to begin with.  I only grew hair in my armpit pre-T, and maybe stubbles on my knee.

 

On 5/19/2018 at 8:32 AM, InfiniteNull said:

I think it makes my arm look ambiguous enough 🐱 At least you can't tell my gender, or assume the wrong gender based on the photograph of my arm... well... I guess the pink blanket may create some bias but ignore that part 😛 it was just the best backdrop that I had around at the time. 

We gendering arms now?  😆 I think arms are pretty androgynous.  I don't have any arm hair from what I can see, but that's just because of my ethnicity.  There are ethnicities where even girls have hairy arms so it's not really much of an indicator, unless you're like me, coming from an ethnicity where body hair isn't that common.

 

I've said before that all my life I was told that my long slender fingers were so feminine as compliment.  Then some AVEN member, now inactive, said that they're masculine and that threw my mind into a deep thought.  Arms and hands aren't really gendered.  I was surprised that my arms and legs didn't out me when I wore t-shirt and shorts.

 

 

Now my gender problem.  At the dinner table, dad was saying "she" did something.  I had to clarify, what did mom do?  Turned out the "she" he meant was me, and he did not hide that.  I wonder if he'll actually gender me correctly after I change my legal identity next year..

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I haven't gone through this whole thread so I don't know if anyone has mentioned it but here I go

Since I came to the ward I'm in now, so far I've had to fill two forms (I think that's how you say it in English) and with both of them, the only possible options for "gender" were male and female. 

If I have to I'll just rather say I'm female than argue about it but it does bother me

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Celyn: The Lutening
15 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

My cousin told me a few years ago that it looked like I had a sea urchin in my armpit,

This simile gave me a good giggle!

 

Re: arm hair - I'm Welsh, and all my family regardless of sex/gender have the same blond fluffy arms that I do. @nerdperson777 is right that arms and hands are very androgynous - except there is the "finger ration" where the second and fourth finger of females are supposed to be the same length, but male's fourth fingers are longer. I'm AFAB but my fourth fingers are about 0.75 cm longer than my second, so go figure.

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nerdperson777
7 hours ago, Celyn said:

Re: arm hair - I'm Welsh, and all my family regardless of sex/gender have the same blond fluffy arms that I do. @nerdperson777 is right that arms and hands are very androgynous - except there is the "finger ration" where the second and fourth finger of females are supposed to be the same length, but male's fourth fingers are longer. I'm AFAB but my fourth fingers are about 0.75 cm longer than my second, so go figure.

I've heard that the second finger was supposed to be longer for female and the fourth for male. I remember in my first year in college, my friend's high school friend came to visit and somehow we were comparing finger lengths. The friend said that there was this thing where if your finger length didn't match your gender, you could be gay. I just joked "hey!" at the time since I didn't discover my gender for another year, and I did have internalized homophobia. 

 

Spoiler

But here are my hands. 

5Pxb7vw.jpg

The second and fourth finger on my left hand are about the same length while my fourth finger is slightly longer on the right. 

 

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Ms. Carolynne

I think 2D:4D ratio has more to do with prenatal hormones, although there are tendencies depending on sex as @Celynstated.

 

A longer fourth digit suggests one was exposed to more testosterone (and possibly less estrogen) in the womb; males tend to exhibit this.

 

An equal or longer second digit suggests one was exposed to less testosterone (and possibly more estrogen); females tend to exhibit this.

 

I had to look it up though, as I was a bit confused and wanted to make sure it wasn't the other way around.

 

My second digits are slightly longer on both hands.

 

 

This does make me wonder what the obstetrician tested or observed during my mother's pregnancy that led them to believe I was going to be born female. I'm not sure what what was available during the mid nineties, however, and my mom never stated what led them to that conclusion.

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nerdperson777
6 hours ago, G1P0 said:

This does make me wonder what the obstetrician tested or observed during my mother's pregnancy that led them to believe I was going to be born female. I'm not sure what what was available during the mid nineties, however, and my mom never stated what led them to that conclusion.

Well, it's a foreshadow that you are at least part girl, right?  Similarly I'm part guy and my fingers seem to line up that way.

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SparkyCat13

Little bit late to the convo, but I wanted to say that I'm glad y'all were talking about arm hair and gave suggestions on how to deal with it. I've been self-conscious about my super hairy arms since high school (I'm AFAB, but unfortunately hairy), and I still tend to hate them when I look at them too much, but I knew straight up shaving them would be a pain. So I'm gonna look into the stuff y'all talked about! THANK YOU!! 😚

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Celyn: The Lutening

@SparkyCat13 A classmate of mine waxed her arms - the hair came back pale, short and downy, which looked much better and natural than bald. And apparently sugaring is a really good hair removal method that leaves the skin soft and not irritated. So you're spoilt for choice when it comes to methods.

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Celyn: The Lutening

#Genderproblemoftheday

 

I'm weepy and sad, and then I remember that the reason I'm so weepy and sad is that I'm experiencing an estrogen surge, then that makes me even more weepy and sad because I don't want so much estrogen in me.

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Ooh! Arm hair and leg hair!

I have a problem with this as a genderfluid. I don't like the way hairy arms or legs feel, but when I am feeling more masculine, smooth limbs can cause dysphoria... but when I'm feminine hairy arms and legs cause dysphoria. And anywhere in between can be different. The worst part: my gender changes so often. I ended up just shaving whenever I shower (so every other day) because not liking the feeling of my hair wins out, along with when I feel feminine.

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itsmeelysemarie

Why can't my dad stop misgendering and deadnaming me? 

 

Seriously, every time I'm over at my parents' house, he insists on using my given name and disrespecting my pronouns and I'm honestly starting to consider not going there if he's going to continue doing that. Yes, I look female now, but I'm not inside.

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PixleyDust✨
On 5/22/2018 at 12:49 PM, nerdperson777 said:

Well, it's a foreshadow that you are at least part girl, right?  Similarly I'm part guy and my fingers seem to line up that way.

Same.

 

My fourth finger on the left is shorter than the second (supposedly female) while the fourth finger on the right is slightly longer than the second (supposedly male).

 

No wonder I feel bigender. 🤣

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nerdperson777
8 hours ago, CummingDelights said:

Why can't my dad stop misgendering and deadnaming me? 

 

Seriously, every time I'm over at my parents' house, he insists on using my given name and disrespecting my pronouns and I'm honestly starting to consider not going there if he's going to continue doing that. Yes, I look female now, but I'm not inside.

Same.  Once I move out, I plan on only visiting sparingly, and if I do, it's just for the dog.  And when relatives are visiting, I'm not even going to show up just to be misgendered.  Then my parents are going to say things like I'm obligated to see them because it'll be disrespectful if I don't.  I DON'T CARE.  If I'm not able to be my authentic self, I'm not going.

 

2 hours ago, Pixley said:

Same.

 

My fourth finger on the left is shorter than the second (supposedly female) while the fourth finger on the right is slightly longer than the second (supposedly male).

 

No wonder I feel bigender. 🤣

I have a friend who has a curvy waist on one side and flat down on the other.  Even they joke that their body doesn't know what gender they are.

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