#GenderProblems

[InfiniteNull]

5 minutes ago, Celyn said:

I totally understand where you're coming from @Pixley, non-binary genders are way harder to figure out. For me it was people saying "So you like to present androgynously. Why can't you be content with being a tomboy, i.e. a butch girl?" 

 

Because I'm not, I'm a feminine bloke. Which is something different entirely.

Yeah... or the other one that I get.... I'll be talking with someone who knows I identify as NB (usually a Cis person) and we're talking about trans issues and they go "I'm not saying you're trans or anything but..."..... lol! wait... let me stop you there... um... I am transgender and I've told you before... don't you remember? x.x 

[nerdperson777]

13 hours ago, Pixley said:

Contemplating if bigender is a more accurate term for me than actually straight up genderfluid seems to help. Would explain why I seem to oscillate so frequently between male and female, experience very little if any dysphoria, am fine with female pronouns, and why I’ll feel like a girl, a tomboy or like a femme boy, but never completely a “guy” or a “dude”. And also why dressing/going completely male doesn’t seem to feel right. 

 

And identifying as bigender, I feel like it would make figuring out presentation/pronouns so much easier. Blend female/male clothing, go by female pronouns (since boy side is super femme anyways), and just either up, downplay, or forget the makeup entirely. That’s really the only thing I would need to decide, not who I am that day, which I got to say is a TREMENDOUS relief. 

 

tl;dr When your #genderproblems causes #mentalproblems. Yikes.

I'm truly non-binary like 3 days a year.  Those are the days when I find that I don't want to be called mister or sir.  I'm still not sure why that happens.  My expression never changes though.  I'm male-presenting everyday.

 

11 hours ago, Celyn said:

I totally understand where you're coming from @Pixley, non-binary genders are way harder to figure out. For me it was people saying "So you like to present androgynously. Why can't you be content with being a tomboy, i.e. a butch girl?" 

 

Because I'm not, I'm a feminine bloke. Which is something different entirely.

About the butch girl stuff, I'm reminded again of my mom trying to give me fashion tips from Ellen Degeneres.  I'm not a butch lesbian.  I rather be called a feminine (gay) man, because my behavior is just stereotypical of the gay man.

 

11 hours ago, InfiniteNull said:

Yeah... or the other one that I get.... I'll be talking with someone who knows I identify as NB (usually a Cis person) and we're talking about trans issues and they go "I'm not saying you're trans or anything but..."..... lol! wait... let me stop you there... um... I am transgender and I've told you before... don't you remember? x.x 

That's probably how my mom tries to invalidate me.  Because I'm not 100% male, it must means that I'm still female.  I'm feminine but I'm not female.  I'm like a gentleman.

 

[anisotrophic]

I'm in my late 30s, and this is a recent exchange with my mom.

"BTW this is me wearing a sports bra instead of a binder."
"You look much nicer!"
 

SMH. She's not trying to invalidate me on purpose here, it's just slow.

I got "ladies" in front of an audience of a couple hundred recently. (Ignored it, but it was validating to see a colleague wince.) Hard for others to not see female! There's a reason I'd like a dash of hormones. Eventually. Not allowed in my current state (which is to say, I am also giving you a progress report ). Life is long, I'll be patient.

[Radio]

Current struggle?

 

Coming to realize that I'm not cis female after years of assuring myself (and my parents) that I in fact was.

 

It's new. It's scary. It's liberating. But man is it stressful to figure out.

[InfiniteNull]

Evolving pronouns is becoming a problem... I share different pronouns with different groups and I know that I am starting to confuse people... I am sure they're thinking "wait I thought that any pronoun was OK before, now it's just They and She?" 

 

Also that nagging about my career has turned into something new... If I throw everything away to be out and transition as I start a new career... will the new job pay enough to start HRT??? if not... does it still meet what I need to be willing to throw my career away for it?

[ElasticPlanet]

On 10/05/2018 at 10:00 AM, Pixley said:

questioning your gender identity leads to long rants

I know that one... but some of my rants have helped me to find answers. You never know which writings will produce good new ideas of course, so you just have to do it anyway and see how you feel about something after you wrote it!

[Ms. Carolynne]

On 5/10/2018 at 7:04 PM, Radio said:

Current struggle?

 

Coming to realize that I'm not cis female after years of assuring myself (and my parents) that I in fact was.

 

It's new. It's scary. It's liberating. But man is it stressful to figure out.

I can relate, at least indirectly.

 

Looking back I had a lot of thoughts and feelings regarding my gender. More than I realized anyway. However, I never addressed them and always dismissed them in a sense. I also experienced dysphoria, but didn't know what it was.

 

I myself had issues with internalized transphobia. I denied the possibility of being trans, and disregarded the idea of gender identity. Trans people weren't legitimate in my bubble. They also upset me, particularly MtFs, as I thought they were misandrists, in part because I was insecure in my own identity.

 

It's after exploring my asexuality that I decided I would look into trans issues. I noticed there are quite a few trans and non-binary people on AVEN. At the time, I was curious, and figured it would be best to learn about the subject and try to understand them.

 

In coming to understand the trans community and getting past my negative connotations, I for the first time brought my own gender into question. I then realized I actually didn't know my own gender. I did however find myself relating to both transwomen as well as agendered people. I also had thoughts and fantasies about being a woman, which I also had in the past, but for the first time actually reflected upon.

 

At first, I was quite confused, and still held on to being male. It took me a lot of self reflection to acknowledge that I wasn't. After all, I had spent all these years as a male without any obvious discomfort (that I was aware of at the time), and I just wanted to be comfortable. I went through an awkward phase thinking I was bigenderflux, or some other complicated mess. It didn't feel right.

 

Then it hit me. Of all the thoughts and feelings I had, I realized that being male simply didn't fit. It wasn't a piece of the puzzle. I realized I never was male, and despite what I was born as and what others might think, I don't have to be.

 

I also noticed that my agendered and feminine sides co-exist. I had mistaken the variation in my dysphoria (which ebbs and flows) as being genderflux.

 

I'm still working things out, but I think I have the majority of this figured out. I actually feel quite a bit better knowing this of myself. Hopefully one day I'll be able to transition. Hopefully some day soon.

 

 

Well, I really digressed there. Anyway...

 

TL;DR Questioning one's gender and coming to terms with it is hella scary and stressful, but damn is it worth it.

 

I too had convinced and assured myself of being cis for a long time, so I know where you're coming from.

[nerdperson777]

17 hours ago, G1P0 said:

I can relate, at least indirectly.

 

Looking back I had a lot of thoughts and feelings regarding my gender. More than I realized anyway. However, I never addressed them and always dismissed them in a sense. I also experienced dysphoria, but didn't know what it was.

 

I myself had issues with internalized transphobia. I denied the possibility of being trans, and disregarded the idea of gender identity. Trans people weren't legitimate in my bubble. They also upset me, particularly MtFs, as I thought they were misandrists, in part because I was insecure in my own identity.

 

It's after exploring my asexuality that I decided I would look into trans issues. I noticed there are quite a few trans and non-binary people on AVEN. At the time, I was curious, and figured it would be best to learn about the subject and try to understand them.

 

In coming to understand the trans community and getting past my negative connotations, I for the first time brought my own gender into question. I then realized I actually didn't know my own gender. I did however find myself relating to both transwomen as well as agendered people. I also had thoughts and fantasies about being a woman, which I also had in the past, but for the first time actually reflected upon.

 

At first, I was quite confused, and still held on to being male. It took me a lot of self reflection to acknowledge that I wasn't. After all, I had spent all these years as a male without any obvious discomfort (that I was aware of at the time), and I just wanted to be comfortable. I went through an awkward phase thinking I was bigenderflux, or some other complicated mess. It didn't feel right.

 

Then it hit me. Of all the thoughts and feelings I had, I realized that being male simply didn't fit. It wasn't a piece of the puzzle. I realized I never was male, and despite what I was born as and what others might think, I don't have to be.

 

I also noticed that my agendered and feminine sides co-exist. I had mistaken the variation in my dysphoria (which ebbs and flows) as being genderflux.

 

I'm still working things out, but I think I have the majority of this figured out. I actually feel quite a bit better knowing this of myself. Hopefully one day I'll be able to transition. Hopefully some day soon.

 

 

Well, I really digressed there. Anyway...

 

TL;DR Questioning one's gender and coming to terms with it is hella scary and stressful, but damn is it worth it.

 

I too had convinced and assured myself of being cis for a long time, so I know where you're coming from.

Totally felt that way except AFAB.

 

I just went to a gathering with relatives and I forgot that I wasn't a guy in these people's minds.

[PixleyDust✨]

On 5/10/2018 at 3:44 PM, nerdperson777 said:

I rather be called a feminine (gay) man, because my behavior is just stereotypical of the gay man.

THANK YOU. Textbook pretty boy right here, and he’s rejoicing. 😊

 

I wanted to wear something girly while I cooked breakfast for everyone tomorrow, but remembered that I’ll just be seen as a girl, not a super femme guy. So, drab masculine pjs it is.

 

Ugh. Why are most men’s clothes so dull?

 

✨MY BOY SIDE WANTS TO SPARKLE DAMMIT.✨

[PixleyDust✨]

On 5/10/2018 at 6:04 PM, Radio said:

Current struggle?

 

Coming to realize that I'm not cis female after years of assuring myself (and my parents) that I in fact was.

 

It's new. It's scary. It's liberating. But man is it stressful to figure out.

Well, you’re certainly in the right place. ❤️

 

 

And on the back they say:

 

[  ] Boy

[  ] Girl

[x] WELL FUCK. 🤣

[InfiniteNull]

[ElasticPlanet]

23 hours ago, G1P0 said:

It's after exploring my asexuality that I decided I would look into trans issues. I noticed there are quite a few trans and non-binary people on AVEN. At the time, I was curious, and figured it would be best to learn about the subject and try to understand them.

Something like this happened to me too. Not here, but across many different blogs that I found out about from the Asexual Agenda. I was just lucky that enough ace bloggers were also nonbinary that it drew my attention to that subject. I'd heard of nonbinary before but not been able to join the dots. This time round I read a lot more and eventually started to understand that the binary genders were not what I'd thought they were - and that I didn't actually have one.

[Celyn: The Lutening]

@Pixley Ugh you're just too real today. I mean:

 

MY BOY SIDE WANTS TO SPARKLE DAMMIT

 

and

 

[  ] Boy

[  ] Girl

[X] WELL FUCK

 

YOU'RE SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO MY SOUL.

[Guest]

Hopefully relatable gender problem: when someone you’re out to who supports you uses the wrong pronouns a lot and you want to correct them but you chicken out every time.

[InfiniteNull]

1 hour ago, nelpogrando said:

Hopefully relatable gender problem: when someone you’re out to who supports you uses the wrong pronouns a lot and you want to correct them but you chicken out every time.

yush! so much this!!!!!!

 

Or even... go to LGBT+ place... and someone uses wrong pronouns cause they didn't ask... I so shoulda introduced myself with my pronouns... I'll definitely do that next time.

[nerdperson777]

19 hours ago, Pixley said:

Ugh. Why are most men’s clothes so dull?

 

✨MY BOY SIDE WANTS TO SPARKLE DAMMIT.✨

Sometimes I'm not sure if I want to get XL boy clothes or S men clothes because of this.  I can have orange and green if I buy boy underwear, but in men it's only white, black, and grey, sometimes blue.

 

8 hours ago, nelpogrando said:

Hopefully relatable gender problem: when someone you’re out to who supports you uses the wrong pronouns a lot and you want to correct them but you chicken out every time.

I was at a workshop for my greatest passion, Tai Chi, this week.  My leg is still healing and it killed me, but it was worth it.  This was 9 hours of my weekend.  (It would've been 12, but I couldn't find someone to cover my job shift.)  I just newly started going here, because I wanted to get back into competition Tai Chi.  The owner called me she a couple times, but I feel like everyone else didn't really notice.  Then she said he one time, so I thought I didn't have to say anything.  But she went back to she's afterward.  The other students were mostly old people who were calling me he because of my passing ability.  I probably have to come out to the owner at some point, because I think I'll have to take private lessons to get to the high levels and I probably can't hide that I'll be competing in the men's category.  I already crossed that bridge by competing as male during the last competition.  Once you switch sides, there's no going back.  And of course, it's only this way for the FtM route.  MtF obviously can't do this unless they take estrogen and spiro.

 

7 hours ago, InfiniteNull said:

Or even... go to LGBT+ place... and someone uses wrong pronouns cause they didn't ask... I so shoulda introduced myself with my pronouns... I'll definitely do that next time.

Actually a similar thing happened once at my school's center.  It must've been one of our aro/ace meetings because this one cis grey-bi girl was there.  She was joking to the person next to her, and said their, I presume, deadname because I don't know of a name they had before that.  They said a little angrily, "[deadname] is dead!"  Everything got serious and silent.  She did not know that they changed their name.  The facilitator said, "okay I think we need to say our name and pronouns again."  Another person got confused because coincidentally, someone else who frequented the center but wasn't in the meeting, because they were pansexual, had changed their name to that.  

 

 

[Celyn: The Lutening]

5 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

Sometimes I'm not sure if I want to get XL boy clothes or S men clothes because of this.  I can have orange and green if I buy boy underwear, but in men it's only white, black, and grey, sometimes blue

Boy's every time!

[InfiniteNull]

6 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

Actually a similar thing happened once at my school's center.  It must've been one of our aro/ace meetings because this one cis grey-bi girl was there.  She was joking to the person next to her, and said their, I presume, deadname because I don't know of a name they had before that.  They said a little angrily, "[deadname] is dead!"  Everything got serious and silent.  She did not know that they changed their name.  The facilitator said, "okay I think we need to say our name and pronouns again."  Another person got confused because coincidentally, someone else who frequented the center but wasn't in the meeting, because they were pansexual, had changed their name to that.  

Yeah... that can be tough... I've actually had a tough time deciding what I'll do with my "boy name" as I call it today... Once I get it legally changed, I may stick with the old name and pronouns at work, if I stay working at this company that is. It might be easier to keep up the persona at the office with minimal at-work transition activities... Then again, this aspect of my work is one of several factors that has me considering leaving my job and going to work in an entirely different industry (I am in an industry that is nearly outmoded and will be obsolete or completely transformed in less than a decade)

[nerdperson777]

22 minutes ago, InfiniteNull said:

Yeah... that can be tough... I've actually had a tough time deciding what I'll do with my "boy name" as I call it today... Once I get it legally changed, I may stick with the old name and pronouns at work, if I stay working at this company that is. It might be easier to keep up the persona at the office with minimal at-work transition activities... Then again, this aspect of my work is one of several factors that has me considering leaving my job and going to work in an entirely different industry (I am in an industry that is nearly outmoded and will be obsolete or completely transformed in less than a decade)

Well, after a legal change, someone at the company will still have to know about it for paying you and filing taxes so you'll probably have to be out to at least someone.  This one girl at my company figured me out when I kept saying some really trans things so she's the only one who knows about me.  Three different people at the company have been the one who paid me so they had to know who to write the check to.  It can get annoying when one of them forgets that the name you go by isn't your legal name so then you really can't deposit their check unless the name is "correct".  But now I'm getting direct deposit so they don't have to write checks to my name anymore.

[PixleyDust✨]

On 5/13/2018 at 3:44 AM, InfiniteNull said:

OH MY GOD I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU FOR THIS. 😍

 

I’ve been questioning if I’m bigender, and because of Garnet and Stevonnie, I’ve been thinking of myself the past few days as a “gender fusion” of sorts. A feminine guy and a masculine girl joined together makes a “me”. 😆

 

As SUPER DORKY as that is (and it is), it’s been weirdly helpful.

[PixleyDust✨]

 

On 5/13/2018 at 7:41 PM, nerdperson777 said:

I can have orange and green if I buy boy underwear, but in men it's only white, black, and grey, sometimes blue.

I bought men’s underwear and they really are DRAB AF. It’s depressing.

 

In fact, this is me getting dressed, if men’s clothes are what I’m wearing that day:

 

”Let’s see...black, black, grey. OOH that black looks good. Wait, didn’t see that grey over there. But that other black tho...”

 

HOW CAN THEY STAND IT?!

MY BOY SIDE IS WEEPING. 😭

 

Plus, the waistband fits but the underwear itself is WAY too tall for me. Like I’m wearing granny panties or...grampy panties, I guess.

 

THIS IS NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR ME. 😆

 

21 hours ago, Celyn said:

Boy's every time!

Didn’t know you could buy boy’s underwear as an adult AFAB. How do you guys do the sizing on that? I’m betting the height on those would probably fit better on me than the men’s underwear I have. 

 

Shit’s hiked up to my tummy for God’s sakes. 🤣

[Celyn: The Lutening]

42 minutes ago, Pixley said:

Didn’t know you could buy boy’s underwear as an adult AFAB. How do you guys do the sizing on that? I’m betting the height on those would probably fit better on me than the men’s underwear I have

Through trial and error? Is there another way to know what size clothes to get that nobody's told me about?

Brands and styles are so inconsistent in their sizing that there's really no point doing anything else.

[PixleyDust✨]

1 hour ago, Celyn said:

Through trial and error? Is there another way to know what size clothes to get that nobody's told me about?

Brands and styles are so inconsistent in their sizing that there's really no point doing anything else.

Well, I’ve read that measuring your waistline is helpful. I had to measure that and my inseam when I was buying men’s pants. My waistline is about 32”, so I’m a medium in men’s underwear (according to the packaging of the ones I had bought, at least). 

 

But yeah, I feel that sentiment. However, I do feel men’s sizing is a bit more consistent compared to women’s. 

 

UGH. DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON EVERYTHING WRONG WITH WOMEN’S FASHION THO. 🙄

[Celyn: The Lutening]

Yeah, I like that a lot of men's trousers don't even bother with sizes, they literally just say your waist and inseam measurements. That's also cool because some brands cater for different body shapes rather than just scaling up or down. I'm wearing 28 waist 32 leg cropped jeans - which means they're supposed to sit high up on the wearer's ankles but they fit me like normal jeans because I have short lil' legs  The shop didn't do anything with a short leg in that waist size.

[InfiniteNull]

5 hours ago, Pixley said:

OH MY GOD I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU FOR THIS. 😍

 

I’ve been questioning if I’m bigender, and because of Garnet and Stevonnie, I’ve been thinking of myself the past few days as a “gender fusion” of sorts. A feminine guy and a masculine girl joined together makes a “me”. 😆

 

As SUPER DORKY as that is (and it is), it’s been weirdly helpful.

I am not bi-gender myself... but I loved the meme so I had to post. At first I was looking for something that said "are you a boy or a girl" with the answer "no"... but then I LOVE steven universe soooooo much... I just had to ♥

 

Steven's the best

 

Not that I am a fan or nothing ** hides signature ** 

[nerdperson777]

5 hours ago, Pixley said:

Didn’t know you could buy boy’s underwear as an adult AFAB. How do you guys do the sizing on that? I’m betting the height on those would probably fit better on me than the men’s underwear I have. 

 

Shit’s hiked up to my tummy for God’s sakes. 🤣

Well it mostly depends on your person size. I can wear teenage boy clothes. I'm not very wide or tall. Boys clothes could be way cheaper than mens so I'm not complaining. 

[Celyn: The Lutening]

1 hour ago, nerdperson777 said:

Well it mostly depends on your person size. I can wear teenage boy clothes. I'm not very wide or tall. Boys clothes could be way cheaper than mens so I'm not complaining. 

Same here, I'm a boy's 16 i.e. intended for average 16 year old boys, and that's the section I'm generally found in.

[nerdperson777]

8 hours ago, Celyn said:

Same here, I'm a boy's 16 i.e. intended for average 16 year old boys, and that's the section I'm generally found in.

I could be anywhere from 14-16 for some clothes.  But underwear and certain shirts have to be 18-20.

[PixleyDust✨]

21 hours ago, InfiniteNull said:

I am not bi-gender myself... but I loved the meme so I had to post. At first I was looking for something that said "are you a boy or a girl" with the answer "no"... but then I LOVE steven universe soooooo much... I just had to ♥

 

Steven's the best

 

Not that I am a fan or nothing ** hides signature ** 

Don’t hide it. That show’s AMAZING. 🤩

 

And I’m not saying Stevonnie is bigender, necessarily. It’s just characters like her and Garnet that help coming to terms with my own identity feel less like a burden and a little more fun. 

 

The whole spirit of that show, and those characters, remind me that exploring my gender identity isn’t always confusion, and anxiety, and shame, and dysphoria. In fact, it can be exciting and different and cool.

 

But Stevonnie is definitely non-binary, or at least, gender non-conforming, that’s for sure. 😊

 

Can’t wait for that summer return. Hate that I’m all caught up, CAUSE THE WAIT IS KILLING ME. 😆

[PixleyDust✨]

19 hours ago, Celyn said:

Same here, I'm a boy's 16 i.e. intended for average 16 year old boys, and that's the section I'm generally found in.

Not sure what size I am in Boy’s.

 

I know I’m a Small when it comes to Men’s shirts, and a 32x29 in Men’s pants.

 

But I’m also AFAB and skinny. So I can’t imagine I’d be much bigger than you guys. I’ll give 16 a shot and go from there. 

 

Thanks!

 

#gendersolutions 💜