#GenderProblems

[PoeciMeta]

So the topic of gender finally showed up with my psychiatrist. Been months I wanted to make my dysphoria known in hope he could help me with it. He asked me if I was comfortable with my [feminine] body. Of course, I said no, but again, I didn't dare elaborate; I just made it clear that I didn't like being feminine. Then: "Would you rather be a man?" A bit of reflection and hesitation; doubts about my gender, unsureness about the good formulation of this question; then no again. So he dropped it completely, apparently reassured that I wasn't trans after all - just being a growing teen, right? He's kept on calling me a woman. I'm hopeless. How do I do this. 

[Celyn: The Lutening]

@PoeciMeta By the sound of it I think he did an ok job for someone who isn't a specialist gender therapist, considering that more cis women are uncomfortable with aspects of their bodies than you might think. I know it's hard to open up with such a sensitive topic, but if you are experiencing distress around gender, you have to make noise about it. This psychiatrist sounds ok but if you're not comfortable being vulnerable with him it might be worth thinking about going to someone else.

But also don't rush it. It's your life and you're the only one who gets to make these sort of calls.

Best of luck. 

[PoeciMeta]

@Celyn I don't know, I remember it was clearly implied somewhere that I had an issue about being female in itself, and I also remember being shocked by... I don't know anymore, maybe he sounded a bit... dismissive, maybe. He looked fine at first but I'm realising more and more that he's not helping much, despite however good his intentions are. Maybe I should cringe more visibly when he calls me a woman. Ah, I guess he's ok, the point is that it didn't feel good and I felt it fit here as a #GenderProblem X) I guess even some psychiatrists don't know much about nonbinary, haha... 

[Celyn: The Lutening]

1 hour ago, PoeciMeta said:

I guess even some psychiatrists don't know much about nonbinary

I'd say most of them don't. Sadly, a lot of degrees don't go into gender nearly enough.

Sounds like you do need a change.

[PoeciMeta]

11 minutes ago, Celyn said:

I'd say most of them don't. Sadly, a lot of degrees don't go into gender nearly enough.

Sounds like you do need a change.

True. However, a change... That will be difficult, that psychiatrist was recommended to my parents by a doctor they trust excessively, so they'll find it weird and possibly alarming, and we may not find better than him. I'm probably stuck with him... should I try to educate him? ^^'

[Custard Cream]

1 hour ago, PoeciMeta said:

True. However, a change... That will be difficult, that psychiatrist was recommended to my parents by a doctor they trust excessively, so they'll find it weird and possibly alarming, and we may not find better than him. I'm probably stuck with him... should I try to educate him? ^^'

I'd say you could try admitting that you were not being entirely honest. Tell him, well, exactly what you just told us. He isn't a mind reader. He sounds open minded. It's worth a try.

[The Incarnation Of Boredom]

On 4/20/2018 at 11:11 PM, devin. said:

(AFAB ) A few months ago I joined in a drama group. It was my luck that I ended up with a 'pregnant woman' role for an exercise when the thought of it makes me feel extremely sick. I had to go through with the part I was given because I was expected to but I felt so uncomfortable because of it to the point I was feeling a bit light-headed and I could feel my stomach bubbling like I was going to vomit if it went any further. I just hated it completely.

 

Or the time somebody recorded me moonwalking from behind and when they played it back to me I wanted to delete it solely because of how I hated how much wider my hips looked than I thought. 

 

Losing your sports bras so you have to go with 'typical' bras that don't flatten your chest as much ( not comfortable unless I'm wearing a baggy shirt or jacket ) and not having a binder.

 

Having people tell you 'you're kinda flat chested, sorry' but inside you're cackling because that's exactly what you wanted but outwardly you don't know how to respond because you took it as a compliment but at the same time they're perpetuating that being flat-chested is a bad thing and could be saying that to people who feel uncomfortable with how they are and that could make it worse for them.

Oh my god! That's why I like sports bras so much! I never realized that!

My response to the flat chested thing would be "haha! That's a good thing, I prefer smaller *whatever word you're comfortable with using*"

[The Incarnation Of Boredom]

5 hours ago, PoeciMeta said:

True. However, a change... That will be difficult, that psychiatrist was recommended to my parents by a doctor they trust excessively, so they'll find it weird and possibly alarming, and we may not find better than him. I'm probably stuck with him... should I try to educate him? ^^'

If anyone doesn't understand something, always try and explain it to them first. If they choose not to understand/accept it, then that's the time for a change.

[nerdperson777]

13 hours ago, Celyn said:

@PoeciMeta By the sound of it I think he did an ok job for someone who isn't a specialist gender therapist, considering that more cis women are uncomfortable with aspects of their bodies than you might think. I know it's hard to open up with such a sensitive topic, but if you are experiencing distress around gender, you have to make noise about it. This psychiatrist sounds ok but if you're not comfortable being vulnerable with him it might be worth thinking about going to someone else.

But also don't rush it. It's your life and you're the only one who gets to make these sort of calls.

Best of luck. 

There was a gender conversation going on in my gaming chat the other day and I had to explain again for someone new to the group (but not new to the members) that a short description would be that I'm a guy, but a longer conversation would be not really, but close enough.  Someone thought that I was a questioning person and asked me a few questions, deciding for me that I was gender neutral and not trans.  Well, for one thing, some neutral people may identify as trans, and some don't.  I identify as trans so that wouldn't work for me.  They said that I could just be a tomboy since I said I like the masculine aesthetic, and their wife hates having boobs while being cis.  I had to kind of be in a shouting voice in my text that I hate having boobs, and what uteri do, I've taken hormones for almost 2 years and I go about binary society as a guy, so what else do I have to prove that I'm not cis?  That's when they realized that I wasn't looking for input, and that I already knew who I was.  I've known for almost 5 years now so nothing's going back.

[PoeciMeta]

11 hours ago, CustardCream said:

I'd say you could try admitting that you were not being entirely honest. Tell him, well, exactly what you just told us. He isn't a mind reader. He sounds open minded. It's worth a try.

I will. Hopefully he'll understand, he's far from being a bad person :3 It won't be easy though, I'm not even sure myself. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Dad's friend: I'm not a fan of your hair, I don't think short hair suits girls.

Me: Good job I'm not a girl then.

DF: What are you then?

Me: A lad.

DF: *thinks I'm joking and laughs*

[deleted account :)]

[deleted]

[nerdperson777]

On 1/30/2020 at 4:54 PM, thisandthisandthis said:

do yall ever misgender yourself??

 

I recently cam to terms with the fact that I'm nb and I want to use they / them pronouns exclusively, but I'm terrified to come out. so latey I've been doing this thing where I sort of... narrate my own actions in the third person, as I'm doing them, just to get a feel for the pronouns. and it feels amazing to refer to myself using they / them, but I slip up so often. I'm so used to using she / her that I misgender myself. lmao oops.

In the beginning, much more.  I would be thinking something and then wait a minute, did I just call myself she?  I let people use they for me, but for some reason I feel weird using them to refer to myself.  Actually, I find using pronouns on myself weird, but it's fine when other people use them.  I had a cousin visit last month and I'm not out to most of my relatives.  I don't know if he noticed that I called myself he.  But with my voice this low, I'm not sure how much he has figured out.  I really want to ask if he's ace, but he doesn't seem to know anything about marginalized communities.  When he walked with my parents in the mall and no one bought anything, he said that they didn't contribute to the economy.  I had recently read that we shouldn't blame the common people for it.  It's more effective when rich people stimulate the economy because that's way more cash flow.

[Starbogen]

On 1/30/2020 at 8:54 PM, thisandthisandthis said:

do yall ever misgender yourself??

 

I recently cam to terms with the fact that I'm nb and I want to use they / them pronouns exclusively, but I'm terrified to come out. so latey I've been doing this thing where I sort of... narrate my own actions in the third person, as I'm doing them, just to get a feel for the pronouns. and it feels amazing to refer to myself using they / them, but I slip up so often. I'm so used to using she / her that I misgender myself. lmao oops.

Surprisingly I think that didn't really happen to me even at the beginning, at least I don't remember... I'm used to speaking spanglish so what I did when I was closeted was that I just said all the gendered words in english so I didn't have to gender myself at all. I don't talk to or about myself in my mind like that so I didn't have that issue, but I do have this thing where sometimes when I'm daydreaming I kinda imagine myself with this distinct "feminine but not female but not really male either" energy instead of just automatically thinking of myself as a guy. So I guess that's kinda like misgendering myself in my imagination... Though I feel like I've figured out that while I identify as a binary guy it's kinda in a loose sense where I don't have much of a connection to gender either way and for me being trans is more about just dealing with dysphoria than about a sense of identity if that makes sense. 

[no-longer-in-use]

On 1/30/2020 at 4:54 PM, thisandthisandthis said:

do yall ever misgender yourself??

 

I recently cam to terms with the fact that I'm nb and I want to use they / them pronouns exclusively, but I'm terrified to come out. so latey I've been doing this thing where I sort of... narrate my own actions in the third person, as I'm doing them, just to get a feel for the pronouns. and it feels amazing to refer to myself using they / them, but I slip up so often. I'm so used to using she / her that I misgender myself. lmao oops.

Occasionally yes, especially when I'm thinking about myself before I knew I was trans. But most of the time I gender myself correctly now.

[Karst]

On 2/1/2020 at 6:32 AM, Starbogen said:

Surprisingly I think that didn't really happen to me even at the beginning, at least I don't remember... I'm used to speaking spanglish so what I did when I was closeted was that I just said all the gendered words in english so I didn't have to gender myself at all. I don't talk to or about myself in my mind like that so I didn't have that issue, but I do have this thing where sometimes when I'm daydreaming I kinda imagine myself with this distinct "feminine but not female but not really male either" energy instead of just automatically thinking of myself as a guy. So I guess that's kinda like misgendering myself in my imagination... Though I feel like I've figured out that while I identify as a binary guy it's kinda in a loose sense where I don't have much of a connection to gender either way and for me being trans is more about just dealing with dysphoria than about a sense of identity if that makes sense. 

My one difficulty with French is that everything has gendered pronouns, not just people.  There's no "it" or singular "they", just "he/it" and "she/it".

[PoeciMeta]

21 hours ago, Karst said:

My one difficulty with French is that everything has gendered pronouns, not just people.  There's no "it" or singular "they", just "he/it" and "she/it".

Yeah, and the plural forms are gendered too, not to mention adjectives... requires some, ah, grammatical creativity for enbies not to misgender themselves. English is so much better in that regard. 

[#Cthulhu]

Being AFAB and athletic. In a sport you love but getting Dysphoric about being weak and having to put more work in than the guys and still not being as good.

[nerdperson777]

On 2/7/2020 at 2:22 AM, #Cthulhu said:

Being AFAB and athletic. In a sport you love but getting Dysphoric about being weak and having to put more work in than the guys and still not being as good.

Even on T, I haven't gotten over the idea that my arm muscle density isn't defined by my AGAB.  I have to do pushups for my conditioning exercises and my arms aren't even at standard even for female.  I've been measured to have 90% of the muscle a female of my age, height, and weight should have.  For a male, I'm like 80-85%.  Meanwhile this trans teenager I know has never had confidence issues like me.  He started T when he was about 13 and his pushups look great.  It's possible also that when I don't feel completely male, I'm not trying to be that masculine.  But yeah, my pushups are still bad, but not as bad as this one girl there who doesn't even try anymore.

[Ms. Carolynne]

TFW your hands are smaller than your cis coworker's, and your male coworker comments that you're unlucky for having small hands. I wasn't aware that was an issue, lol.

 

Not much of an issue for me, it makes it way easier to find women's jewelry and gloves because my hands aren't big. I get a wider selection, and women's fashion is usually better; plus it's affirming.

 

I wish I could say the same for my feet, they aren't big for being AMAB, but are still towards the large end for women. I hope to one day own a nice pair of boots, I had a coworker who had black boots with a fuchsia stripe on them, they looked nice, I need to find something like that. Men's shoes are so drab and basic, meanwhile women's come in all sorts of different designs and actually have colors. Only trouble is, as is often the case with women's clothing, usually it's form over function. That's the real gender problem for those of us who like femme clothes 

[Bloc]

3 hours ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

Only trouble is, as is often the case with women's clothing, usually it's form over function. That's the real gender problem for those of us who like femme clothes 

So true. And of frills were a simple design would be much more elegant.

[nerdperson777]

13 hours ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

TFW your hands are smaller than your cis coworker's, and your male coworker comments that you're unlucky for having small hands. I wasn't aware that was an issue, lol.

 

Not much of an issue for me, it makes it way easier to find women's jewelry and gloves because my hands aren't big. I get a wider selection, and women's fashion is usually better; plus it's affirming.

 

I wish I could say the same for my feet, they aren't big for being AMAB, but are still towards the large end for women. I hope to one day own a nice pair of boots, I had a coworker who had black boots with a fuchsia stripe on them, they looked nice, I need to find something like that. Men's shoes are so drab and basic, meanwhile women's come in all sorts of different designs and actually have colors. Only trouble is, as is often the case with women's clothing, usually it's form over function. That's the real gender problem for those of us who like femme clothes 

I'm a small AFAB person who managed to grow to average size.  I'd guess my hands are bigger than expected of my person because I have long slender fingers and my hands are bigger than my friend's, who is bigger and taller than me by a little.

 

I guess it doesn't bother me as much anymore, but I have small feet, or rather I should say short.  Since there are different country shoe sizes, I'll say that my foot is 9.5 to 10 inches, or about 21 to 22 cm.  I'm not sure of the binary averages, but I think for a while my feet were considered small even for female sizes.  I get insoles for my shoes in women's because I don't fit in the men's sizes.  T has been giving me my dad's wide feet so now I got to find women's insoles that are thicker in the middle also.  Some are thicker in the middle, but I still have to look for them.  Once I went on a company social to go bowling and when I told the shoe handler my European size, he was really doubtful about that small size.  I had to repeat in my serious monotone voice that it was the size I wanted.  He said to come back if I needed to exchange.  I didn't do an exchange.  I'm not sure if my small feet gets me clocked, since most male feet are like several full shoe sizes bigger.

I fit in the largest boy clothing so I like that I can have orange and green underwear.  Then I buy shoes from the kids section so they're not a specific gender.  Plus my newest shoes are bright neon blue and orange.