#GenderProblems

[Guest]

Love just waking up and feeling really masculine and good and then dysphoria drop kicks my ass to the curb like, "Hey, don't forget I'm here and gonna make you feel like crap the entire rest of the day"

[InfiniteNull]

hugs are great... I used to have dysphoria about them because of a time in my teens where someone criticized me for being a hugger because it could seem gay for boys to hug each other... I didn't understand this social norm at all and it made me worried what other gender expectations i was "failing" at... This was very much one of those areas where being both trans and autistic but not knowing anything about either yet caused me to become this detached and cold aloof person... 

 

Now.. as I present fem again... even when in boy mode... the hugs are OK... because people who think I am a boy just figure I'm gay anyway so it's OK to be a hugger... I like that about it

[Taylor Lilith]

7 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

All the pockets. I need pockets.

 

Oh and I'd rather no one hug, or shake hands. No physical contact is required just stop expecting it from me.

But I get touch starved tho...sometimes a hand shake from a random hand shake wanting stranger keeps the need to off myself at bay a little longer. Huggy coworkers and hand shakey coworkers are a great way to not have to explain touch starvation to people. Don't take my huggey people away from me please?  X.X

[Roidgy]

@Taylor Lilith

im not touch starved I don't think, but touching people is a bit of a conundrum because I'm very physically sensitive (it's the autism) and when people put physical pressure or rub me in any way it feels so good I kind of go into a trance ..... everything is so calm and I'm so sleepy.... and while it feels great I don't wanna freak people out or make things awkward

[Taylor Lilith]

54 minutes ago, Roidgy said:

@Taylor Lilith

im not touch starved I don't think, but touching people is a bit of a conundrum because I'm very physically sensitive (it's the autism) and when people put physical pressure or rub me in any way it feels so good I kind of go into a trance ..... everything is so calm and I'm so sleepy.... and while it feels great I don't wanna freak people out or make things awkward

I will always ask if a hug is okay or a handshake or whatnot.  I call it reciprocuddling.  I'm not gonna handshake you out of the blue or hug you even if I know it is usually okay.  But if everyone just stopped asking *I* would have to start asking.  I can sit in my bed and think, "Why do I feel like killing myself?"  the answer is often, "when was the last time you got a hug?".  There was literally one night that was going to be "the night" until a coworker gave me a random hug.  She saved my life that day .... that was the day I learned about touch starvation.

 

I get touch starved.  It is a HUGE problem for me.  If people stop giving random hugs and handshakes and stuff ... I would have to ask a lot of random people for hugs.  I'm not saying STOP hugging and hand shaking, I'm saying maybe ASK before glomping somebody. 

 

Recipro-Cuddle as in the cuddle is reciprocated and mutual, reciprocuddling.

[PixleyDust✨]

Cis guys seem to get thrown off-guard when I go in for the bro hug for some reason. Probably because I said something like, “Let’s bring in it for a bro-hug” while high femme in appearance, wearing skinny-jeans, thigh-high boots, makeup, the works. So, they were probably thinking I was not going to do that. Too...classy? Nah. Too...feminine? Maybe? Idk.

 

Bet if I was in my current attire though when I did...nah, they still get kind of weirded out. Guess they’re not expecting girls to go in for the good ol’ bro-hug in any circumstance.

 

And the awkwardness is adorably funny and all, but kind of a disappointment because bro-hugs, for me, are the best. Reciprocal bro hug would be low-key gender affirming and also just nice, makes me feel like my masculine tendencies are okay rather than weird. Regular hugs are good too, but I prefer those in either more formal, or more intimate situations.

 

But overall, I prefer the exuberance and silliness of bro hugs than the emotional gravity of regular ones.

 

If anything, those are the awkward hugs for me. Probably because I only let family hug me that way, and even then it’s still a little squicky for me because of my touch sensitivity/phobia. 

 

Also, if I’m regular hugging you, chances are we have some kind of established relationship and I actually trust you. Bro hugs allow me to get close to you and express how much I appreciate hanging with you without getting squicked out by my own weird phobias, etc.

[PixleyDust✨]

19 hours ago, Taylor Lilith said:

*whispers* does that make me a pocket ally? *ends whispering*

Nice. 👍✨

 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

10 hours ago, Taylor Lilith said:

But I get touch starved tho...sometimes a hand shake from a random hand shake wanting stranger keeps the need to off myself at bay a little longer. Huggy coworkers and hand shakey coworkers are a great way to not have to explain touch starvation to people. Don't take my huggey people away from me please?  X.X

You can have them. ALL of them. Keep them away from me.

[Taylor Lilith]

1 hour ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

You can have them. ALL of them. Keep them away from me.

How does this sound? 

 

People who get touch starved and people who are touch averse travel in packs of two.

When people try to shake hands with the touch averse person, the touch starved person blocks the sh*t out of that forced societal-ly noramlized hand hug, and shakes hands instead.

 

Somebody tries to cure the touch averse person by hugging them?  touch starved person got a whole lotta nope right here and moves in for that hug instead.

 

It's awkward, everyone laughs, it's a good time but the touch averse person goes home not creeped out by people touching them and the touch starved person goes home with their touch bank filled for like ..... 2 weeks.

 

[Taylor Lilith]

6 hours ago, Pixley said:

Cis guys seem to get thrown off-guard when I go in for the bro hug for some reason. Probably because I said something like, “Let’s bring in it for a bro-hug” while high femme in appearance, wearing skinny-jeans, thigh-high boots, makeup, the works. So, they were probably thinking I was not going to do that. Too...classy? Nah. Too...feminine? Maybe? Idk.

 

Bet if I was in my current attire though when I did...nah, they still get kind of weirded out. Guess they’re not expecting girls to go in for the good ol’ bro-hug in any circumstance.

 

And the awkwardness is adorably funny and all, but kind of a disappointment because bro-hugs, for me, are the best. Reciprocal bro hug would be low-key gender affirming and also just nice, makes me feel like my masculine tendencies are okay rather than weird. Regular hugs are good too, but I prefer those in either more formal, or more intimate situations.

 

But overall, I prefer the exuberance and silliness of bro hugs than the emotional gravity of regular ones.

 

If anything, those are the awkward hugs for me. Probably because I only let family hug me that way, and even then it’s still a little squicky for me because of my touch sensitivity/phobia. 

 

Also, if I’m regular hugging you, chances are we have some kind of established relationship and I actually trust you. Bro hugs allow me to get close to you and express how much I appreciate hanging with you without getting squicked out by my own weird phobias, etc.

IDK either.  I find the concept of gendering someone wrong based on their appearance probably as strange as most people find the opposite.  People find being around trans people strange, then you have people like me referring to femme dudes wearing makeup and referring them with only "he's" and "bruh" and "bro" and stuff and people become more offput.

 

Sorry to shit on your cis normative cultural presuppositions but gendering people as they ask to be gendered is easy.  I don't mean to make you look bad.  You're just a dick. Sorry if that seems a little angery but there have been so many times I have been in mixed company with nbies, trans and cis and this is the first time the cis peeps have interacted with these trans peeps and they. still. get. it. wrong. when. it's. not. that. hard.

 

Maybe it would be easier if I saw trans peeps slip up more often or if instead of when you say, "My pronouns changed to she/her today", 

 

trans peep: *shrugs* cool.

\then never gets it wrong

 

cis peep: cool!

\get's it wrong.

OH GAWD, I'M SLIME.  WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THIS ALL THE TIME?!  IT'S SO HARD.  I'M SO SORRRRRYYY YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH CISSEXISM

 

me: nah it's totallly -

 

them: I'm SOORRRrrYYyYYYY

 

Same goes with new names and such and it would be less of an annoyance if the difference weren't always, 100% of the time split cis and trans >=|. 

 

Sorry, went on a a mini rant there.  Got a little carried away ^^;

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, Taylor Lilith said:

IDK either.  I find the concept of gendering someone wrong based on their appearance probably as strange as most people find the opposite.  People find being around trans people strange, then you have people like me referring to femme dudes wearing makeup and referring them with only "he's" and "bruh" and "bro" and stuff and people become more offput.

 

Sorry to shit on your cis normative cultural presuppositions but gendering people as they ask to be gendered is easy.  I don't mean to make you look bad.  You're just a dick. Sorry if that seems a little angery but there have been so many times I have been in mixed company with nbies, trans and cis and this is the first time the cis peeps have interacted with these trans peeps and they. still. get. it. wrong. when. it's. not. that. hard.

 

Maybe it would be easier if I saw trans peeps slip up more often or if instead of when you say, "My pronouns changed to she/her today", 

 

trans peep: *shrugs* cool.

\then never gets it wrong

 

cis peep: cool!

\get's it wrong.

OH GAWD, I'M SLIME.  WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THIS ALL THE TIME?!  IT'S SO HARD.  I'M SO SORRRRRYYY YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH CISSEXISM

 

me: nah it's totallly -

 

them: I'm SOORRRrrYYyYYYY

 

Same goes with new names and such and it would be less of an annoyance if the difference weren't always, 100% of the time split cis and trans >=|. 

 

Sorry, went on a a mini rant there.  Got a little carried away ^^;

Do you mind when cis people trivialize correcting themselves, though? I recently had my history teacher tell my class, “She’s right—he’s right—whatever,” in response to me answering a question, and I wasn’t sure whether to be happy that my pronouns were being respected or annoyed at the way she did it.

[Taylor Lilith]

2 minutes ago, nelpogrando said:

Do you mind when cis people trivialize correcting themselves, though? I recently had my history teacher tell my class, “She’s right—he’s right—whatever,” in response to me answering a question, and I wasn’t sure whether to be happy that my pronouns were being respected or annoyed at the way she did it.

Yes,  I feel like saying "[misgendering], sorry [correction]" is better.  It doesn't trivialize, and it isn't like some massive drama/shame thing.  Apologize and move on don't turn into a shame puddle and don't trivialize what you just did.  It's my thoughts on the matter. 

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Taylor Lilith said:

Yes,  I feel like saying "[misgendering], sorry [correction]" is better.  It doesn't trivialize, and it isn't like some massive drama/shame thing.  Apologize and move on don't turn into a shame puddle and don't trivialize what you just did.  It's my thoughts on the matter. 

Exactly. I much prefer the way my mom corrects herself when she accidentally uses my deadname. My parents, sister and paternal grandma are great at using my name for the most part; unfortunately they’re not nearly as good when it comes to pronouns. Pretty much the only people who use my pronouns consistently are the other queer kids I know and my one cishet friend who’s so invested in being a good ally that she’s been part of my school’s GSA for longer than I have.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

1 hour ago, Taylor Lilith said:

How does this sound? 

 

People who get touch starved and people who are touch averse travel in packs of two.

When people try to shake hands with the touch averse person, the touch starved person blocks the sh*t out of that forced societal-ly noramlized hand hug, and shakes hands instead.

 

Somebody tries to cure the touch averse person by hugging them?  touch starved person got a whole lotta nope right here and moves in for that hug instead.

 

It's awkward, everyone laughs, it's a good time but the touch averse person goes home not creeped out by people touching them and the touch starved person goes home with their touch bank filled for like ..... 2 weeks.

 

I will become a politician just to get this through parliament.

[Destan]

21 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

One time when we were leaving my uncle's house, one of my cousins gave my parents each hugs. When he got to me, he paused and gave me a fist bump. Later dad complained to me that the hug made him feel old and he would rather have the fist bump. 

I actually talked about this with my friends. One of them is someone who likes to hug, but I don't. I dislike physical contact. The first years of being friends was quite awkward. I always refuse the hug and we tried doing the handshake once, but my friend complained that it was just too formal. Nowadays when we leave after meeting up, the other friend gets a hug and I just wave at them. I felt bad for all these years and awkwardness so I just said "let's do a fist bump next time"

[Taylor Lilith]

42 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I will become a politician just to get this through parliament.

I made a similar statement yesterday except it was a question about relative mortality on prep cooks.  I felt going so far as to take fascist control over the government just to prove a point to prep cooks that f**king up that bad that many times is problematic was a little beyond what I felt was necessary.  Not really a genderproblem tho .... unless you feel that cis males whining like the world is ending every time something ridiculously small happens is a gender problem that is.

[Guest]

My parents keep complaining about my personal hygiene even after I explained months ago why I have a hard time showering a lot of the time. Does anyone have any tips for how to stay reasonably clean on days when being naked feels so wrong it almost physically hurts? I would shower in the dark, but I’m really clumsy so that probably wouldn’t end well.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

51 minutes ago, nelpogrando said:

My parents keep complaining about my personal hygiene even after I explained months ago why I have a hard time showering a lot of the time. Does anyone have any tips for how to stay reasonably clean on days when being naked feels so wrong it almost physically hurts? I would shower in the dark, but I’m really clumsy so that probably wouldn’t end well.

Keep your undies on while washing the rest with a flannel; you can do your hair separately under the shower-head or in the sink.

[nerdperson777]

1 hour ago, nelpogrando said:

My parents keep complaining about my personal hygiene even after I explained months ago why I have a hard time showering a lot of the time. Does anyone have any tips for how to stay reasonably clean on days when being naked feels so wrong it almost physically hurts? I would shower in the dark, but I’m really clumsy so that probably wouldn’t end well.

I think I currently shower 5 times a week and my mom is the one always shaming me for not showering. She doesn't understand why someone can't shower when all the resources are there. The only thing I can think of is that in an autistic group, someone recommended bath wipes. It can help with getting a little bit clean. 

[Taylor Lilith]

8 hours ago, nelpogrando said:

My parents keep complaining about my personal hygiene even after I explained months ago why I have a hard time showering a lot of the time. Does anyone have any tips for how to stay reasonably clean on days when being naked feels so wrong it almost physically hurts? I would shower in the dark, but I’m really clumsy so that probably wouldn’t end well.

I don't know how you are with tank tops but get a very very slightly damp towel. You can add a little soap. Scrub thine smelly parts (hair, pits, in between legs and upper chest ). There. Take the dry half and dry off. Not being dry right after will make you smelly again in an hour. There. you aren't nearly as smelly. 

 

It's like you took a shower with clothes on. For effect, if you lay out all your clothes, turn out the lights get undressed, get dressed then turn on the lights. It's like you showered....and changed with zero shower and 0 dysphoria inducing nakedness. 

 

Edit: I'm really bad at spelling and grammar when tipsy and tired O.o

[Ms. Carolynne]

My dysphoria has been pretty bad today >.<

 

I've been avoiding my reflection all day, I just can't stand to look at myself 😫

[Taylor Lilith]

Just now, Ms. Carolynne said:

My dysphoria has been pretty bad today >.<

 

I've been avoiding my reflection all day, I just can't stand to look at myself 😫

Same I was almost at panic attack level with the following conversation in my head,

Spoiler

"Why don't I have boobs?"

"Because you don't have any. Go get your boobs."

"I don't understand, why aren't they there."

"Go. get. your. boobs."

Ugh. J really want sleep. I was hoping Brathulu would get me there >_<

[nerdperson777]

9 hours ago, Taylor Lilith said:

Same I was almost at panic attack level with the following conversation in my head,

  Reveal hidden contents

"Why don't I have boobs?"

"Because you don't have any. Go get your boobs."

"I don't understand, why aren't they there."

"Go. get. your. boobs."

Ugh. J really want sleep. I was hoping Brathulu would get me there >_<

By "go get" them, are you saying HRT or prosthetics?  If that isn't too personal to ask.

[Taylor Lilith]

14 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

By "go get" them, are you saying HRT or prosthetics?  If that isn't too personal to ask.

If I could do HRT then I would and I intend to eventually but int this case it was prosthetics.  I had to force myself to go get Brathulu before I had a panic attack.  Not too personal.

[nerdperson777]

4 minutes ago, Taylor Lilith said:

If I could do HRT then I would and I intend to eventually but int this case it was prosthetics.  I had to force myself to go get Brathulu before I had a panic attack.  Not too personal.

Is something keeping you from the HRT?  The horrible health insurance of the country?

[Anthracite_Impreza]

12 hours ago, Taylor Lilith said:

Same I was almost at panic attack level with the following conversation in my head,

  Reveal hidden contents

"Why don't I have boobs?"

"Because you don't have any. Go get your boobs."

"I don't understand, why aren't they there."

"Go. get. your. boobs."

Ugh. J really want sleep. I was hoping Brathulu would get me there >_<

I know I'm a dick, but that conversation made me giggle.

[Taylor Lilith]

1 minute ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I know I'm a dick, but that conversation made me giggle.

Nah it's cool.  Brains are weird sometimes and I use that language in my head to tone down situations internally.  It's meant to be read that way.

[Guest]

Last night I dreamt that I got up the courage to use a men’s bathroom and managed to pass while doing it, and now I’m annoyed because that probably won’t happen until I’m an adult and able to get an STP without risking my parents finding out. To be honest I really don’t care how I pee, but girl’s bathrooms make me uncomfortable a lot of the time and I’m worried about not being able to use men’s bathrooms without an STP. I’ve never been in one so I don’t know what if anything the other options are for people who aren’t comfortable in women’s bathrooms but don’t naturally have the right equipment for men’s bathrooms. The worst part is that my parents are supportive of me being trans, and my mom has told me before that I should use whatever bathroom I’m comfortable with. I just don’t feel comfortable asking my parents for an STP because of my genital repulsion/awkwardness surrounding anything genital related.

[nerdperson777]

4 hours ago, nelpogrando said:

Last night I dreamt that I got up the courage to use a men’s bathroom and managed to pass while doing it, and now I’m annoyed because that probably won’t happen until I’m an adult and able to get an STP without risking my parents finding out. To be honest I really don’t care how I pee, but girl’s bathrooms make me uncomfortable a lot of the time and I’m worried about not being able to use men’s bathrooms without an STP. I’ve never been in one so I don’t know what if anything the other options are for people who aren’t comfortable in women’s bathrooms but don’t naturally have the right equipment for men’s bathrooms. The worst part is that my parents are supportive of me being trans, and my mom has told me before that I should use whatever bathroom I’m comfortable with. I just don’t feel comfortable asking my parents for an STP because of my genital repulsion/awkwardness surrounding anything genital related.

Well, I find packing to be a lot of trouble for me so I just go in a stall.  No one really cares that I use a stall.  I only use the STP in the house.

[Guest]

@Ms. Carolynne I hope that your dysphoria is better today.  So, it's not just mine that feels like a nauseating, emotional roller coaster, huh?

 

I personally really like the fist bump. Handshakes kinda make me nervous 'cause my hands sometimes get noticeably sweaty when I'm anxious... (-_-)

 

Hugs are complicated things for me. I'm okay with them from some people, I guess, but I still tend to stiffen up like a block of wood when they happen (just can't get over that aspect of being an abuse survivor...)

 

Even though I tend to be rather touch averse at times, part of me still desires some human contact. Huh, guess I'm human after all... Sure wish things weren't so damn complicated tho. 😑