#GenderProblems

[Lonemathsytoothbrushthief]

On 10/11/2018 at 8:21 PM, ElasticPlanet said:

Yep. 😎

 

EDIT: Despite that, I would like some way to be seen as nonbinary without actually having to resort to words every time...

Fluid me agrees. It's frustrating that I'm only taken seriously when I'm at my most dysphoric, trans-guy end of things to the point of crying about it constantly, and then when on other days I kinda like being seen as an athletic and kinda butch woman, or don't really care, people want to say I'm confused. I want a way of telling people I'm fluid and don't care if they want to force a binary. Sorry if this is random.

[Lonemathsytoothbrushthief]

On 10/14/2018 at 10:52 PM, nerdperson777 said:

Yes, absolutely. I didn't understand why not be male. They were respected, higher pay, given permission to do just about everything. History says it all. History is "his story", the story of man. No one barred you from doing groundbreaking things based on being a man. I was sick of being told "you can't do that" because of gender. Girls shouldn't carry heavy things, just let the guys do it. "Girls aren't allowed to do [whatever]." Growing up as a girl made people ridicule me. If I grew up a boy, I would've at least been bullied less, or not at all. I saw no detriment to being a boy. Of course now I see things like male privilege and toxic masculinity but back then I didn't see why I should've been a girl. Girls were restricted to traditional gender norms. I like doing boy things.  How can it be nice not being able to do things because of perceived gender? 

Toxic masculinity and people who use it to oppress others reminds me of the whole feeling of being a maths postgrad, who literally doesn't want to do any of the successful jobs with it because I see them as exploitative(just think how many actuaries/bankers are hated, how many economists screw things up, how many insurance companies are wasteful and work against their own customers). People might think that was an option, but it really isn't once you've decided that position goes against your principles. But hey I might fall victim to toxic masculinity despite this too. I'll have to watch for it.

[nerdperson777]

1 hour ago, Lonemathsytoothbrushthief said:

Toxic masculinity and people who use it to oppress others reminds me of the whole feeling of being a maths postgrad, who literally doesn't want to do any of the successful jobs with it because I see them as exploitative(just think how many actuaries/bankers are hated, how many economists screw things up, how many insurance companies are wasteful and work against their own customers). People might think that was an option, but it really isn't once you've decided that position goes against your principles. But hey I might fall victim to toxic masculinity despite this too. I'll have to watch for it.

Yep, it's easy to see what you have and how you don't like what you have.  But can't really see how the "other" side has it until you've experienced it.  Toxic masculinity can kill men with their "no feelings" mentality.

[Azeri]

Boobs that I love when I'm female but loathe with a newfound passion when I'm male.  They're too big to bind, too big to reasonably hide, so good luck with that!

[Guest]

My parents either don’t believe or just flat out don’t understand that it’s possible to be non-binary and a trans guy at the same time. They refuse to even try to refer to me with masculine language, and they have a hard time remembering to use neutral language, so even though they accept the fact that I’m not a girl, they misgender me constantly. I wish I had the confidence to correct them.

[InfiniteNull]

9 hours ago, nelpogrando said:

My parents either don’t believe or just flat out don’t understand that it’s possible to be non-binary and a trans guy at the same time. They refuse to even try to refer to me with masculine language, and they have a hard time remembering to use neutral language, so even though they accept the fact that I’m not a girl, they misgender me constantly. I wish I had the confidence to correct them.

I had that issue all the way up until my mid-30s (so very recently)... then I explained to my mom that I was going to transition medically and all the sudden: click... it made sense to her. She says the switch is flipped.... she see's me as a girl. (I'll work on the non-binary part later) but she still uses deadname and pronouns sometimes... often it's just because she slips up and really doesn't mean it. 

[Guest]

The folks keep forgetting to NOT use my old name. My mom is especially bad with this. 

 

I'm trying to be patient with them, tho... (-_-) 

[InfiniteNull]

1 minute ago, Vampyre Dani said:

The folks keep forgetting to NOT use my old name. My mom is especially bad with this. 

 

I'm trying to be patient with them, tho... (-_-) 

Be patient but firm. Let them know you still love them even though they slip up, but that it is important that eventually they get it right. 

 

I discovered my mom was trying to show the right amount of remorse the times when she gets it wrong... I asked her to stop worrying about that, I don't need to see remorse, and my feelings are not hurt. I'd rather she use that brainpower to reinforce my new labels as who I am to her. (We speak candidly with one another.)  Lately she has been getting it right more often too.

[nerdperson777]

15 hours ago, nelpogrando said:

My parents either don’t believe or just flat out don’t understand that it’s possible to be non-binary and a trans guy at the same time. They refuse to even try to refer to me with masculine language, and they have a hard time remembering to use neutral language, so even though they accept the fact that I’m not a girl, they misgender me constantly. I wish I had the confidence to correct them.

Yeah, my dad at least tried using pronouns and seeing me as not a girl for a bit but I have never heard my parents use anything to refer to me but she in the past year.  They say it pretty loudly too, and don't care if it's in my face.  They're more concerned with what other people think than actually letting me live happy.  At the wedding last week, the homophobic family friend still called me a girl even after seeing me dressed in total male attire.

[Hayis4horses]

I got one:

Spoiler

When you feel like your chest looks like Chiho Sasaki's (the girl), but you really just want it to look like Sadao Maou's (the boy).

 

(I am probably cis, tho. I just really dislike my chest. I just thought some people could relate to this post.)

[Guest]

@Hayis4horses I can totally relate! ✋😔

[nerdperson777]

A friend (probably described as a demigirl with purely they pronouns) said that they went with our trans girl friend on a trip and a restaurant only had two bathrooms, male and unisex.  They said that they looked at each other awkwardly.

[Brahmacarya]

7 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

A friend (probably described as a demigirl with purely they pronouns) said that they went with our trans girl friend on a trip and a restaurant only had two bathrooms, male and unisex.  They said that they looked at each other awkwardly.

What's wrong with the unisex bathroom?

This week, I have to waste money on both masculine and feminine makeup items, to accentuate whatever gender I feel like presenting as at whatever time.

[nerdperson777]

5 hours ago, Brahmacarya said:

What's wrong with the unisex bathroom?

This week, I have to waste money on both masculine and feminine makeup items, to accentuate whatever gender I feel like presenting as at whatever time.

Well, a trans girl and a demigirl both need to use the bathroom.  Their only option then is to both use the unisex bathroom but after another.  The two present as their assigned genders so one could think that they go as their AGAB but that would be invalidating their own identities.

[Bloc]

Being unable to decide if agender or bigender fits better. Most of the time agender seems to be right, but there are days where I have the impression that bigender is a better fit. And then there are times you are wondering if you are not trans feminine in denial.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Not being sure whether you're really agender or transmasc, telling your trans-male friend and having them tell you things that makes you more confused 😑

 

Also, being jealous of your trans-male friend's imminent top surgery >.<

[Tunes]

On 10/30/2018 at 3:22 PM, nerdperson777 said:

a restaurant only had two bathrooms, male and unisex.

This is crazy. Like, even nonbinary genders aside, you would have the same problem with two cis females. Like, if it's no nonbinary bathroom, it can be written off as ignorance (still problematic, but at least a problem considered 'normal' based on society's current level of understanding), but no female restroom? Really?? Especially since, on average, women take longer in the bathroom, too. How stupid. I mean, what societal time period are they stuck in that they don't expect women to enter the restaurant at all? Either that or they think that women won't need to use the restroom while men will? Idk... 

[nerdperson777]

I just bought gel insoles for women at the store because my feet aren't big enough for men's sizes.  I couldn't wait any longer to buy some online since the shoes I needed them for were breaking any moment.  When I was looking online, I took a while looking at ones that had men and women sizes to make sure the product wasn't specifically gendered for one binary gender.

[InfiniteNull]

So these days I am full time and on HRT... I've done much of the important things on my transition and the rest is just letting the hormones do their job... 

 

So I feel like I'm not doing anything anymore... like I'm defaulting to masculine behaviors somehow (even though when I check in with others, apparently I am not doing that at all)... This makes me wonder... is this the transmasculine-like enby part of me trying to get out and be expressed... is this dysphoria in the opposite direction somehow? 0.o 

[Purple_Panda]

Don’t know if I can add to this thread still, but I’m AFAB, and am at the tail end of Sharkweek (I don’t call it that, but I want to be considerate to those who might not like other names for it), but mine is usually every five weeks instead of four, so I regularly think I’m skipping because my tracker doesn’t seem to take the way my body works into account. I sometimes do skip, so this month I thought I was skipping, and then realized I didn’t have enough supplies when it did show up. So I had to go to the store and get ones that don’t work for me while ordering the supplies that do online. On top of that, I had dinner delivered later the same day as going to the store, and the delivery person asked, “How are you today, Ma’am?”

 

I responded and I don't think I realized what had just happened until it was over and I had my food.  

[Purple_Panda]

CW/TW: accidental misgendering

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My biggest problem right now: having not had the chance to tell anyone my pronouns in real life except my gender counselor (who uses “they” for everyone unless/until told otherwise), then realizing that I’ve never had the pronoun discussion with anyone in my life, so in trying to be considerate of the fact that I might not know someone’s pronouns (we’re talking friends I’ve known for years and my gender counselor), using “they” when I remember to, which is usually when I’m talking about people online. 

 

 

Then having it pointed out that I’m probably misgendering people. The guilt of knowing that I’m doing that and not knowing how to fix it. 

 

[nerdperson777]

On 11/10/2018 at 4:14 AM, InfiniteNull said:

So these days I am full time and on HRT... I've done much of the important things on my transition and the rest is just letting the hormones do their job... 

 

So I feel like I'm not doing anything anymore... like I'm defaulting to masculine behaviors somehow (even though when I check in with others, apparently I am not doing that at all)... This makes me wonder... is this the transmasculine-like enby part of me trying to get out and be expressed... is this dysphoria in the opposite direction somehow? 0.o 

I think you're talking about expressing yourself typical of your AGAB when HRT makes one more comfortable with themselves. Like I'm way more feminine now than before when my masculinity isn't contested. 

[InfiniteNull]

So new thing: hormones and transition have me questioning my orientation entirely... I think I'm changing from an asexual gray-romantic type with just a touch of libido... to a heteroflexible person with almost no natural libido outside of a strong desire to touch and snuggle with people... 

[Catmangoes]

14 hours ago, InfiniteNull said:

So new thing: hormones and transition have me questioning my orientation entirely... I think I'm changing from an asexual gray-romantic type with just a touch of libido... to a heteroflexible person with almost no natural libido outside of a strong desire to touch and snuggle with people... 

I was the same way. A year into hormones and I started feeling a lot differently about my romantic attractions. Even now, several years in, it feels like it's in flux. 

[Brahmacarya]

On 11/11/2018 at 4:39 AM, Purple_Panda said:

Then having it pointed out that I’m probably misgendering people. The guilt of knowing that I’m doing that and not knowing how to fix it. 

 

I don't believe this is necessarily your responsibility. You cannot know how anyone identifies, and queer folks don't hold the monopoly on misgendering.  Calling someone who is, for example, cis male, heterosexual and traditional or conservative "they" instead of "him" is misgendering him too. Many people invest a lot in their traditional binary gender model. In my opinion all you can do is either ask first if you feel uncomfortable about potentially insulting someone, or go by their outward presentation unless told otherwise.

#GenderProblems - apparently me being without a specific gender or preference in any way invalidates the struggle of transwomen.

[Purple_Panda]

Don’t know if this fits here, but I’m in one of my best friends’ wedding and have to figure out my dress size. Can’t do that on my own because of my disability, but I wasn’t given much choice in whether I wanted to be in the wedding/felt like I had to do it because it’s one of my best friends so I explained that I’m nonbinary, and didn’t get the reaction I hoped for. It wasn’t really bad but it wasn’t great either. 

 

Anyway, last night on the way home from Thanksgiving with family, my mom and I were talking about it because I have to figure out my dress size and was asked what I was going to do with my hair and if I grew it out a little they could do more with it for the wedding. Problem is, I had it cut short because I fall somewhere closer to the male/masculine side of the gender spectrum. 

 

Please tell me I’m not alone in feeling anxious about all this. 

[nerdperson777]

I took the wrong morning to be forgetful.  I was going to wash my packer in the sink but I forgot and left it there.  It was Trans Day of Remembrance.  Both my roommates are in no way interested in guys so I probably just had a repulsing looking thing in the sink and may have made the trans girl dysphoric.

[Celyn: The Lutening]

7 hours ago, Purple_Panda said:

Please tell me I’m not alone in feeling anxious about all this. 

Formal occasions are like someone ordered a dysphoria pizza with everything. 

 

@nerdperson777 You've heard of Trans Day of Remembrance, now get ready for Trans Day of Forgetfulness. Just a day where trans people are allowed to be forgetful. 

[Purple_Panda]

11 minutes ago, Celyn said:

Formal occasions are like someone ordered a dysphoria pizza with everything. 

@Celyn, I tried to explain to my friend that I was nonbinary (I felt forced to because I’m in the wedding) but couldn’t really explain it and the reaction I got wasn’t the best. But yes, weddings are very gendered. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Celyn said:

Formal occasions are like someone ordered a dysphoria pizza with everything. 

 

I love that!  I mean, it's sad, but it's also perfect... 

 

1 hour ago, Purple_Panda said:

@Celyn, I tried to explain to my friend that I was nonbinary (I felt forced to because I’m in the wedding) but couldn’t really explain it and the reaction I got wasn’t the best. But yes, weddings are very gendered. 

You're not alone.  

 

And yes, weddings still tend to be very gendered. I haven't been to a wedding since I was a kid, but if I did go to another one, I know what I am NOT wearing! Even if I was part of the wedding, I'd still want to be comfortable. Hopefully, your friend will be understanding in the end.