Pixley

#GenderProblems

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Pixley

A thread inspired by #AsexualProblems, I felt like anyone who falls under the genderqueer umbrella (Fluid/NB/Agender/Trans/etc.) deserved their own space to gripe and laugh and lament, since we all know that gender identity comes with its own set of problems. 

 

And I’ve got a whopper to kick this off:

 

*ahem*

 

When you’re AFAB, and you wake up feeling strongly male...but then you remember you have that appointment with your gynecologist later. 

 

Yeah, that wasn’t awful AT ALL. Thanks for that one brain. 🤣

 

#genderfluidproblems

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Shieldmaiden WinterDragon

Yeahhhhhhh.......... ya know sometimes I wish I was male, I hate my breast I hate every month when it comes around (I never get horny or want sex) but I hate my periods. I'm looking at getting fixed so IF I ever decide to become sexual I'll never have or want children. I'm Androgyne but lean more masculine, I always have since middle school in the early 2000s and never had a physical relationship and never want one because I'm not "feminine".

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_DEVIN_

(AFAB ) A few months ago I joined in a drama group. It was my luck that I ended up with a 'pregnant woman' role for an exercise when the thought of it makes me feel extremely sick. I had to go through with the part I was given because I was expected to but I felt so uncomfortable because of it to the point I was feeling a bit light-headed and I could feel my stomach bubbling like I was going to vomit if it went any further. I just hated it completely.

 

Or the time somebody recorded me moonwalking from behind and when they played it back to me I wanted to delete it solely because of how I hated how much wider my hips looked than I thought. 

 

Losing your sports bras so you have to go with 'typical' bras that don't flatten your chest as much ( not comfortable unless I'm wearing a baggy shirt or jacket ) and not having a binder.

 

Having people tell you 'you're kinda flat chested, sorry' but inside you're cackling because that's exactly what you wanted but outwardly you don't know how to respond because you took it as a compliment but at the same time they're perpetuating that being flat-chested is a bad thing and could be saying that to people who feel uncomfortable with how they are and that could make it worse for them.

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Celyn

Buying pads and the woman who's there for the same thing stares at you, obviously because she can't work out whether you have a uterus or are buying them for your girlfriend. (I was kind of happy because it means I'm passing as androgynous, but the shy part of me was just OH GOD DON'T LOOK AT ME)

 

Actually really, really liking your birth name but just wishing it wasn't so heavily gendered as female. 

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Pixley

Oh my god, these responses? YES. 💜

 

@_DEVIN_ God do I get this, my stomach was turning reading that. Yuck. If I wasn’t embarrassed to play that role because pregnancy uncomfortably breeches the gender line for me, it DEFINITELY breeches the ace line. NOPE. NOPE ON BOTH FRONTS.

 

@Celyn Had social anxiety since 1st grade, so yeah. I understand that internal screaming you do when someone is just staring at you. LIKE DUDE CAN YOU NOT. Is my existence dishonoring your ancestors or something? STOP. STOP IT. 

 

And, fun fact, my birth name actually used to be a male name...back in the 19th century.🤣

 

But yeah, it’s definitely not one now, and also kind of wish it wasn’t so heavily gendered. 

 

@Shieldmaiden WinterDragon Despite being genderfluid, I’ve been feeling a little chest dysphoria myself these past couple of days. NEVER FUN. Probably cause the rare times it happens, I just keep obsessing over it, which triggers my anxiety and depression. SUPER FUN. Luckily, there’s always people on here to relate to, vent to, or whatever. THANK GOD for the Internet. Seriously. 😊

 

Oh, and please, PLEASE tell me you’ll keep proudly rocking that androgyne identity. I bet you look freaking AMAZING. 😎

 

 

Oh, and just a quick note: 

 

This thread is for anyone under the umbrella, not just AFABS. I’d hate for anyone to feel excluded. 

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InfiniteNull

For me... just a tough of fluidity... enough to cause problems... 

 

So on the weekend, trying on outfits figuring out how I might dress for upcoming trans support group, ace meet ups, just going out on future weekends etc... I find 3 or 4 good outfits and pick one that'll be awesome for my next trans support group... I feel great about it!... 

 

Then... Thursday comes... I start doing my hair... too masculine... makeup... still too masculine... put on the clothes which are a little more masculine than usual for me... "ew!" definitely feeling fem mode way too much to go out looking so butchy x.x maybe I'll skip this week's trans support group... I look hideous and now feel sick to my stomach because I cant figure out who I am today dysphoria so bad that I cant even go to the trans support group to bitch about being dysphoric!!!... 

 

Weekend rolls along: hmmm... that outfit wasn't that bad lol... 

 

I wish I actually had a real, static identity underneath all this muckety muck... 

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Celyn

Aw that sounds horrible! I encourage you to go out wearing whatever feels comfortable for you, genderfluid is a valid identity and should be welcome in a trans group (if not, it's a lousy trans group)

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InfiniteNull

They'd be welcoming and are an amazing group! I just felt too confused to myself... I was also putting myself under extra pressure at a tough time. :) I'll absolutely go back to group next chance I get ♥ Thanks for encouraging words though 

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ElasticPlanet
23 hours ago, InfiniteNull said:

...figuring out how I might dress for upcoming trans support group...

I haven't had to deal with the frustrations of fluid gender that you've mentioned; I hope you find the confidence to go along to your group feeling fine however you present, and get the encouragement from them that you deserve.

 

For me it's been simpler, and I suspect the 'problem' such as it is is all in my head. One quirk of my personal flavour of agender is that my facial hair (I'm AMAB) has never really bothered me. I often grow the stubble on purpose, although I keep it pretty short. But in the last couple of years I've been trying out more femme presentation in all sorts of ways. I find trans groups and events the best place to try new things, to push further. But some stupid part of me keeps triggering the 'not trans enough' alarm and I always shave all my stubble off before going to those events.

 

I'm known to people there as nonbinary. Last time, someone I'd met there before turned up with a spectacularly genderqueer mix up of femme clothing and makeup, *with* her facial hair and looked brilliant like that. My style might not be so drastic, but I think I need to learn to worry less...

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InfiniteNull

@ElasticPlanet I definitely will get there eventually. I'd only been to two meetings so far and this one was already going to be tough because it was sort of jammed into an unreasonable schedule just before a roadtrip. As I get more comfortable I am sure I'll find that I can be there regardless of how I am presenting. Eventually, I'll even go there directly after work some day (which means frumpy office male garb)... 

 

My facial hair bugs me... a lot! especially because it's how I've hidden in the past. When I grow a beard I look like my father and so I did that for a little while a long time ago... then there was a period where I had a mustache x.x it made me look like a foreign human but it also made me look more invisible at work... it was disgusting, itchy, required constant trimming, triggered so many bad feelings... yet I kept it for a couple of years anyway... Just before coming out this recent time I grew it back for about a month or two and then was just like "no... never again... it's never been me and never will be me"... I'll probably eventually get treatments if I can get up the guts. I am pretty sensitive to pain. 

 

So more #genderproblems for me... 

 

At work... a mix of 10% masculine, 90% agender is just about perfect for me. It's the one time that I even feel kind of OK with dropping my voice a little (my voice is a big part of my dysphoria)... I developed my work persona trying to pretend to be a boy... so now that I am letting myself out of the costume... the fact that I am kind of comfortable at work with maleness makes me uneasy! but I am also kinda OK with it... but uneasy... lol... 

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Celyn

Wanna switch voices? :)

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ElasticPlanet
1 hour ago, InfiniteNull said:

the fact that I am kind of comfortable at work with maleness makes me uneasy!

Ah yes - that old situation when your own mind makes no sense to you! I think my version of that was, I'd spent decades being read by everyone as my assigned gender (male) and reluctantly learnt to avoid attracting attention - instead of presenting myself as I wanted. So then when I finally started trying to work out what gender label and what presentation were right for me, I didn't know what I wanted! I'm now at a kind of learning-by-trying-stuff-out stage that is 30 years overdue.

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InfiniteNull
8 hours ago, Celyn said:

Wanna switch voices? :)

I would swap in an instant if that was possible. 

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Celyn

I've got another corker: Psyching yourself up to have the mental fortitude to deal with the dysphoria of the dreaded Shark Week and...you're late. And you just wish your uterus would hurry up and do it's thing, so you can go back to pretending it doesn't exist.

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Lirpaderp
On 4/22/2018 at 1:59 AM, Celyn said:

Actually really, really liking your birth name but just wishing it wasn't so heavily gendered as female. 

I'm a similar spot. But I mostly only 'like' it because it's mine. I just wish it wasn't so feminine. I hate introducing myself to new people because of how female my name is. I need a nickname already

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Calligraphette_Coe
On 4/22/2018 at 1:59 AM, Celyn said:

Buying pads and the woman who's there for the same thing stares at you, obviously because she can't work out whether you have a uterus or are buying them for your girlfriend. (I was kind of happy because it means I'm passing as androgynous, but the shy part of me was just OH GOD DON'T LOOK AT ME)

 

Actually really, really liking your birth name but just wishing it wasn't so heavily gendered as female. 



 

Having gynecomatia and buying a bra while androgynous because you need something for the breast forms

 and thinking the same thing.... OH GOD DON"T LOOK AT ME OR ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE ( and sorry, no I don't want to sign up for the store credit

 card... why?... weeeeeellllllllll).

 

 

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Pixley
On 4/27/2018 at 6:41 AM, Celyn said:

I've got another corker: Psyching yourself up to have the mental fortitude to deal with the dysphoria of the dreaded Shark Week and...you're late. And you just wish your uterus would hurry up and do it's thing, so you can go back to pretending it doesn't exist.

Shark Week is upon me, but no dysphoria thank god. My dysphoria usually surrounds my chest rather than my basement. But I’m sure I just jinxed that. 🙄

 

Anyways, I’m mostly just a little bummed I don’t get to practice with or wear my packer during this time.

 

Insult to injury, I’ll definitely have privacy this weekend, and any free time I have to myself is valuable, since I live with family in EXTREMELY close quarters. 

 

WHAT A WASTE. Damn you, nature. 😩

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Pixley
9 hours ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

 

  Hide contents

 

 


 

Having gynecomatia and buying a bra while androgynous because you need something for the breast forms

 and thinking the same thing.... OH GOD DON"T LOOK AT ME OR ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE ( and sorry, no I don't want to sign up for the store credit

 card... why?... weeeeeellllllllll).

 
 

 

 

 

This community needs shopping buddies, I swear. My heart aches when I read about this kind of stuff. UGH. 

 

Cis guys for the AFABS, and cis girls for the AMABS. 

 

They would be like our knowledgeable, friendly tour guides to the world of their gender, and our backup/support for awkward situations like this. 

 

*sigh* #friendgoals 

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Calligraphette_Coe
1 hour ago, Pixley said:

This community needs shopping buddies, I swear. My heart aches when I read about this kind of stuff. UGH. 

 

Cis guys for the AFABS, and cis girls for the AMABS. 

 

They would be like our knowledgeable, friendly tour guides to the world of their gender, and our backup/support for awkward situations like this. 

 

*sigh* #friendgoals 

It sure would make things easier and less stressful! But, the things you learn about people from walking head on into these awkward situations and seeing them through? Priceless. For every transphobic retail employee I've ever run across, there have been 6 more who were either cosmic shrug, on wink-wink-nudge-nudge "You go, girl!".

 

And the funny thing about cis people helping trans people in these situations? They are often more embarrassed during them than we are. For myself, I've got the shopping gene and would count it as an honor to be asked to be a shopping wingchick for a transguy wanting some decent habberdashery. If the sales people got any attitude, I'd be like "Yanno, we''re about to drop some major bank on your store? Do you want the biz or not, cause there is always Jeff Bezos' Amazon 'store' where we won't get this guff?"

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InfiniteNull

One day, feeling like a burden on the world because they all have enough to worry about and don't need to be asked to figure out how to be respectful of my bizarre social interaction requirements 

 

Then the next day feeling like a gender warrior! "I don't care if it's difficult, I am going to teach some people some stuff today".... 

 

but then when you reeeeally need the confidence.... you can't just pick which way you want to be lol... 

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Ms. Carolynne

Having no idea of how to enact any meaningful change in your life in regards to gender with your current living conditions.

 

Feeling guilty about your identity and dysphoria because you don't want to put your family through your hypothetical transition.

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ElasticPlanet
5 hours ago, Pixley said:

This community needs shopping buddies, I swear. My heart aches when I read about this kind of stuff. UGH. 

 

Cis guys for the AFABS, and cis girls for the AMABS

I've been buying my stuff from both the men's and women's sections for nearly 2 years now. I've found it getting easier with time and experience, but have yet to settle down to the level of comfort that I hope for... It'd be nice if sometimes I could have someone around as a shopping buddy - but not always because I still feel I have to carry on learning to be more confident on my own too.

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The-world-is-quiet-here

(AFAB genderfluid here.)

 

Note: all of mine are really laden with dysphoria, so if you’re feeling sensitive to that, please proceed with caution. 

 

when you think you’re getting a gender feeling, but then you’re so deeply confused about gender that you just instantly push it away.

alternatively, when you mentally refer to yourself as the opposite binary gender, and internally you’re like “oh, i guess today is a boy day!” (for me, at least) and then you realize literally no one else sees you as a boy in that time frame. (Ugh, not passing.)

 

Talking with your other AFAB NB friends about gender and how specific your attraction is to people, and you’re like “well, maybe I’m just a straight cis girl!” And immediately they’re like, “no, you’re definitely not.” 

Note: this isn’t my gender fluctuating back to what I was assigned, this is me having really big Gender Doubts and like “well, it wouldn’t be that bad to start using she pronouns again... right?” and then feeling repulsed. 

 

*while binding* why do I even do this, I never pass anyway. 

 

“Maybe I’m not genderfluid after all! Maybe I’m just nonbinary!” 

*pushes away mild gender feelings* who asked you

 

Wanting to use neopronouns but knowing that almost no one in your life would actually know how to use them for you. And also knowing that there’s soooo many, you don’t know which ones feel like you. And besides, other than your friends, there are..... three people in your life who actually don’t use she pronouns for you, so why bother?

 

Internal frustration when your mom is like “I don’t know who I am!!” And you’re over here like, I’m literally confused and questioning some kind of identity of mine all the time, I’m genderfluid and bi-ish and not sure how I identify and not sure how or where my mental health is, and.....

side note: yeah, i know I “don’t need a label”, but for me personally, i do. I feel much more comfortable and safer when I have a specific label to describe myself. It’s just hard finding a label that *fits.*

 

thanks for making this thread, @Pixley! It’s really helpful to feel less alone and know that other people have similar experiences :) 

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anisotropic

I'm trying to get pregnant ... so I can start hormones asap afterwards.

 

(I'm near enough to end of fertility that I'd massively regret attempting the other order, then failing to conceive.)

 

Hate maternity clothes so much. And I'll have to quit my binder after. I'm unhappy how it'll make me more "feminine" when I'm impatient to get away from that.

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Pixley
On 4/28/2018 at 2:56 PM, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

(AFAB genderfluid here.)

 

Note: all of mine are really laden with dysphoria, so if you’re feeling sensitive to that, please proceed with caution. 

 

when you think you’re getting a gender feeling, but then you’re so deeply confused about gender that you just instantly push it away.

alternatively, when you mentally refer to yourself as the opposite binary gender, and internally you’re like “oh, i guess today is a boy day!” (for me, at least) and then you realize literally no one else sees you as a boy in that time frame. (Ugh, not passing.)

 

Talking with your other AFAB NB friends about gender and how specific your attraction is to people, and you’re like “well, maybe I’m just a straight cis girl!” And immediately they’re like, “no, you’re definitely not.” 

Note: this isn’t my gender fluctuating back to what I was assigned, this is me having really big Gender Doubts and like “well, it wouldn’t be that bad to start using she pronouns again... right?” and then feeling repulsed. 

 

*while binding* why do I even do this, I never pass anyway. 

 

“Maybe I’m not genderfluid after all! Maybe I’m just nonbinary!” 

*pushes away mild gender feelings* who asked you

 

Wanting to use neopronouns but knowing that almost no one in your life would actually know how to use them for you. And also knowing that there’s soooo many, you don’t know which ones feel like you. And besides, other than your friends, there are..... three people in your life who actually don’t use she pronouns for you, so why bother?

 

Internal frustration when your mom is like “I don’t know who I am!!” And you’re over here like, I’m literally confused and questioning some kind of identity of mine all the time, I’m genderfluid and bi-ish and not sure how I identify and not sure how or where my mental health is, and.....

side note: yeah, i know I “don’t need a label”, but for me personally, i do. I feel much more comfortable and safer when I have a specific label to describe myself. It’s just hard finding a label that *fits.*

 

thanks for making this thread, @Pixley! It’s really helpful to feel less alone and know that other people have similar experiences :) 

I. FEEL. ALL OF THIS. 

 

Much. MUCH LOVE TO YOU. 💕

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Pixley
On 4/28/2018 at 4:23 PM, anisotropic said:

I'm trying to get pregnant ... so I can start hormones asap afterwards.

 

(I'm near enough to end of fertility that I'd massively regret attempting the other order, then failing to conceive.)

 

Hate maternity clothes so much. And I'll have to quit my binder after. I'm unhappy how it'll make me more "feminine" when I'm impatient to get away from that.

My heart goes out to you. We’ll always be here if and when you need support, some kind words, or just a cute/funny distraction, like this gif here:

 

giphy.gif

 

I love how bizarre the Internet can be sometimes. 😆

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nerdperson777
On 4/28/2018 at 12:02 AM, Pixley said:

This community needs shopping buddies, I swear. My heart aches when I read about this kind of stuff. UGH. 

 

Cis guys for the AFABS, and cis girls for the AMABS. 

 

They would be like our knowledgeable, friendly tour guides to the world of their gender, and our backup/support for awkward situations like this. 

 

*sigh* #friendgoals 

Well, my late trans female friend, I was her perfect shopping buddy.  I found stuff that she would like, I held her stuff.  I only really had purpose shopping as the servant/assistant since I don't tend to go to the mall to buy clothes.  So trans people of opposite binaries could help each other.

 

I like having armpit hair because it makes me feel masculine.  But I wouldn't dare go out in public with it out on display.  There's always the idea of shaving it.  But I don't want to shave.  Repeat.

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Kisa the Kit Kat

Shopping buddies?  I volunteer as tribute!!!!

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InfiniteNull

At an off site professional event and forgetting entirely what gender you're presenting as until someone calls you "Sir"... whomp... back to the reality of costuming! Then the thought comes into head: "wait, I haven't been behaving in a maleish role... I wonder what people think... meh... probably just think 'fem gay guy' a role I don't mind being associated with at all"

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Celyn
27 minutes ago, InfiniteNull said:

forgetting entirely what gender you're presenting as

I thought I was the only person who did this! Except with me it's often forgetting which gender I am, or that I am a gender, or that gender exists. Yeah. I'm one confused noodle.

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