How to broach sexuality?

[maidenroseandwine]

I'm currently in a relationship with someone who identifies as asexual and experiences body dysphoria when they receive attention for their body. I'm a very femme and sexual lesbian, but we are quite compatible emotionally and mentally. I'm trying to explain to them that I didn't necessarily fall in love with the "person" (their outside appearance) but their personality. Our relationship came about after meeting for a conference and we exchanged phone numbers then. We stayed in touch and developed feelings for each other, we've met a couple of times after that, but for the most part we're quite busy, so we keep contact through email, texts, and social media. 

I try not to focus on the sexual aspect of our relationship, because they're ace and I can tell that they're not comfortable with sexual advances. However, I get the feeling that they want to broach the topic with me, I want them to know that sexual relations don't matter to me as long as we can continue to have a healthy relationship. I understand that they might feel insecure about being unable to participate in sexual intercourse with me, but I don't know how to voice my ideas and opinions without making them uncomfortable.

I'm willing to stay in a committed relationship with them and attain sexual gratification else where. At this moment in time, I don't know if them agreeing to it or shaming me/disallowing me to participate in or talk about sexual actions will affect our relationship negatively or positively. As far as I'm concerned, I'm open to whatever they want to dictate with our relationship, as long as we both understand and accept it, but I don't want to be limited sexually in my own life (not including our relationship). 

Thoughts on how to approach this situation?

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @maidenroseandwine. Thanks for being so thoughtful about your partner! Have some cake...

 

On 4/20/2018 at 8:27 PM, maidenroseandwine said:

I get the feeling that they want to broach the topic with me

Then make it clear that you are willing to discuss the topic. Drop a hint once in a while, like "if you (ever) want to talk about ..., I'm here for you". I intentionally kept the ... there, because I don't know how blunt or how careful you want to be. "talk about sex", "talk about getting physical", "talk about taking things further", "talk about how you feel",... there's plenty of options to show you're willing and interested to discuss new aspects of your relationship.

 

You sounds as if you still have plenty of patience to let your partner bring up the subject, and that is good. But if you should get to the point that you can no longer wait, things reverse. Then you'd have to say "listen, I would like to talk about ... with you."

 

Hope that makes sense All the best!

[MrDane]

You accept her asexuality and you accept your own need for partnered sex. If you want a relationship then say so, but be sure to say it straigth forward. “I like you and would like us to be partners. I understand, if sex is never going to be part of our life together. I still need it, though, but accept that it is going to be my own project outside of our relationship”