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Can romantic feelings develop over time?


Tarfeather

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Telecaster68

Yeah it is a common thing on the autism spectrum. 

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Janus the Fox

Romantic feelings can usually develop over time, depending on where you find any stats typically put that figure at 6 months, but often than not, can be any number of years dependent on where one is placed on the romanticism spectrum. 

 

The common feature I see across these boards and romance boards tend to be the difficulty with the grey-romance or demi-romance may develop feelings for another person where that other person develop and then lose interest after a year and break off the romantic commitment, even before a demi/grey romantic could even start.  Every romantic is different of course.

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Tarfeather
On 5/11/2018 at 7:54 PM, Telecaster68 said:

You have a choice Tar - go with the same cultural norms as everyone else which don't really do any harm, or spend your life railing against how everyone else does things.

Seems like a false dichotomy to me. It's not like I don't sometimes pretend to adhere to cultural norms - it's a useful tool at work and for other "unfortunate but necessary" interactions. On the other hand, for the people I voluntarily interact with, there's no reason whatsoever for me to tolerate that kind of normative behavior. I have full control of who I choose to take into my life, and I absolutely do have the option to shut people out who aren't on the same wavelength with me.

 

On 5/9/2018 at 2:01 PM, gaogao said:

It's weird because as an asexual lesbian who hangs out with a lot of other lesbians and bi/pan/gay people, we can say "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" or other soft letdowns and we all get what they mean. We still get to know each other and have fun with each other and become super close friends despite accepting there's very little chance the person we like might like us back. It hurts, we try to move on, but no one gets that burned.

 

I don't know if it's a queer people thing but it's so common for people in my circle to just hang out as friends with each other for ages despite any one-sided romantic tension that might be in the air. I mean, my gf and I were friends for five years while she was nursing a crush on me and she dated other people before I ever developed feelings for her. At around the time I met my future gf, I had a pretty big crush on a girl who was studying here temporarily and when I confessed that I think I might like her she hugged me SUPER tight and said "that's very sweet but honey I am kind of straight" and it was like nothing ever happened. Two guys in my circle are best friends who call each other every night and even though one of them doesn't want a relationship right now and the other is VERY OBVIOUSLY head over heels for the other... it's not that big a deal?? I know that he even confessed and was rejected, but they still call each other every goddamn night and play games/watch movies together until 5am. Who knows if they'll eventually get together? I wouldn't hold out hope, but they enjoy each other's company platonically and value their friendship. It's cool.

Yeah, it is weird, because I'm not really at all different from that. If I had a few people in my life who I were really emotionally close to and could spend a lot of time with, I would be a lot more satisfied. That's not the case, though. It's not really about the relationship aspect. It's more about women that I get along with being so rare in my life, that it's a huge letdown for me when that person is not interested in spending time with me.

 

Like, the happiest day of my life, was me just sitting in the sun next to a girl I had a huge crush on, and chatting about random stuff when we should have been working on our project. I didn't need a relationship, or romance, or physical contact, for me to really enjoy that. But when after that, I only got to see her once a month at most, and it was always me who had to reach out to her, and she'd say things like "Because it's you I'll make time" or "I will write you", but she never did make time, and she never did write.. So basically we didn't even get a chance to get to know each other, despite getting along really well.. Meanwhile I knew that she definitely did have time and room in her life for her boyfriend.. Yeah, I guess that sort of broke me, and maybe it did make me a little prejudiced to the notion of trying to be friends with a girl I really care a lot about.

 

In general, though, I would actually prefer just being friends, and letting things develop naturally. And it was my mistake in this case to not heed my natural inclination, and to try to force things, because of some misguided notion of "If we're a couple then I won't experience that again".

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28 minutes ago, Tarfeather said:

she never did make time, and she never did write.. So basically we didn't even get a chance to get to know each other, despite getting along really well.. Meanwhile I knew that she definitely did have time and room in her life for her boyfriend

I don't think that sort of thing has anything to do with liking someone romantically, because that has happened to me many times with friends I thought I got along with really well.. and honestly I think it hurts just as much, even though I had no romantic feelings for them or anything like that.

 

Honestly it's basically what happens when people realise that even if it seems like you get along, there isn't actually anything particularly positive in your interactions any more and it sucks because I find it hard to make friends in general.

 

28 minutes ago, Tarfeather said:

I would actually prefer just being friends, and letting things develop naturally.

Actually, if you have romantic intentions for someone I actually think what you did was best. Talk to them and be upfront about your feelings - they deserve to know if you like them. If they continue hanging out with you then great, but don't overthink and take that as a sign they might reciprocate. 🤷‍♀️

 

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Tarfeather
35 minutes ago, gaogao said:

I don't think that sort of thing has anything to do with liking someone romantically, because that has happened to me many times with friends I thought I got along with really well.. and honestly I think it hurts just as much, even though I had no romantic feelings for them or anything like that.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It hurt because I cared about her a lot, not because I was interested in her romantically necessarily. I haven't personally cared about someone platonically that much, but I can totally see that being the case.

 

Quote

Honestly it's basically what happens when people realise that even if it seems like you get along, there isn't actually anything particularly positive in your interactions any more and it sucks because I find it hard to make friends in general.

Mm, I know what you mean, but this was different. We clearly got along very well. Our shared friend noted that very early on, and the two of them were rather close, so she knew what she was talking about. And before our contact broke off, we were actually getting closer and coming to understand each other better.

 

The issue was more that between traveling every weekend to visit her boyfriend, uni, and two circles of friends who she cared a lot about and spent at least two long evenings with every week, she didn't have much room left in her life. I wasn't important enough to her to make room, in the end. And yeah, I have other friends like that, too. Who I get along really well with and could talk for hours with, but they don't.. well, have those hours because they're just so busy.

 

I'm really glad I have C. as my best friend. We're the most important people to each other, as outside of family and a few good acquaintances, we don't have anyone else. Yesterday we spent a really great day cooking and eating and taking an amazing walk and playing the new Stardew Valley multiplayer mode together. It's just that we're both introverts, so with just her, things are a little monotone after a while, but it seems I'm just not interesting enough for extroverted and socially outgoing people to place me high in their priorities.

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