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Do I have to have a label? TW sex talk (a bit)


Evren

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I have always wanted a label to explain my sexuality, romantic orientation and gender. I wanted a nice box, where I could relate to other people with the same label and understand myself better. However I begin to wonder if I will ever understand myself enough to give any kind of label to my orientation, sexual or otherwise. I've always had a lot of trouble both identifying and understanding myself. My mother used to ask me what was wrong when I was a kid and I could almost never tell her, I've gotten some better at puzzling out what is bothering me, but I am still tragically horrible at introspection. The problem with this is that my brain gets stuck on a topic until I figure out an answer for it, and I don't know how to answer this one.

I don't have sex, I've never had any desire to go find someone to have sex with. I'm not opposed to having sex, in order to try it out and see if I like it but I've never really had anyone that I wanted to do it with. I had a guy offer in college, literally straight out and I liked him but I just had no want to have sex.

I really like kink, it interests me a lot, and it gets me off when I masturbate. However I have never experienced it irl, and I'm to chicken to go look into it.

I am biologically female and I had a female friend in high school who I really liked, but I never considered having sex with her. I have a female friend at my current job, who I am fairly sure would date me, she talks all the time about how she would once she leaves her boyfriend (she's stuck in a lease with him). We kissed as a dare a couple times lately and I got all kinds of warm fuzzies afterward. However I can't imagine dating her, or anyone else for that matter, I would never want to move in with anyone. I like my space to much, and my with my history I have no desire to be around anyone that I have to take care of. Maybe that's selfish but I really don't care, I've taken care of people all my life, a relationship just feels like more of the same to me. While I enjoyed the kissing, I also can't imagine doing anything else, I don't think I would mind having sex with her, but I think it would hurt her and I won't do that. 

I'm not even going to address the gender issue in this, because I don't understand that one at all either.

So I don't know, maybe I'm a lesbian and a nervous virgin with reasons not to have a relationship. Maybe I'm an asexual panromantic, who has just never fallen in love with a guy. Maybe I'm a straight trans guy and a nervous virgin with reasons not to have a relationship. Maybe I'm an asexual aromatic, who is just really annoyed with people's continued insistence on wanting to know my sexuality. Maybe I need to just stop caring about what other people think, and go explore kink and have sex to see if I like it. I don't know, and it bugs me, but I'm not really sure there's anything I can do about it.

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Nope! You never never never have to have a label if you don't want to!

 

Remember that labels are just words used to communicate like situations to each other. Two people might be straight, but they might not like the same kind of people or like people in the same way. They just happen to fall for people of the same gender.

 

At the end of the day though, each person's experiences are totally different and unique. I've heard it said there is ultimately as many labels as there are people on this great earth.

 

So you can not label yourself, change labels, pick a simple label but explain yourself whenever anyone asks about your sexuality... Whatever makes sense to you and makes you best feel you can express what your experience is like.

 

For what it's worth, I have heard some trans folks find that sexuality gets "sorted" more as they transition. i.e. Once they start presenting as their true self or start hormone treatment or get surgery, suddenly they find themselves lusting after someone. This may or may not happen for you; again, everyone is totally different.

 

The important thing, in my eyes, is you let yourself have the time to figure yourself out. If you think you are asexual, you can use the label if it helps. Then, if you later find yourself feeling attraction to a man, don't worry about that label, go for it with that guy! Let yourself be happy and be YOU!

 

Hope that helped! :cake::cake::cake: 

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1 hour ago, Evren said:

Maybe I need to just stop caring about what other people think

This perhaps is the solution to your problem. A lot of the confusion I read about on this list seems to begin when people listen to other people and not themselves. Its a sort of Wizard of Oz thing. You think you lack self identity but you've had it all along. You have simply forgotten who you are. Learn to listen to yourself again and one day you will say - yes, I remember who I am. I've never cared what other people thought about me and I've never been concerned about who I was. I'm me. M is for my self and that's good enough for me. I use labels as a way of feeling I'm part of a community. However I don't seek to understand myself using a label. As I always say,  the label on the can isn't what's inside it.  Apart from the identity thing we have a lot in common. After nearly half a dozen decades I've yet to have sex. I doubt I ever will. I doubt I will ever care, either. We both like kink but neither of us would want to participate. We both like our own private space.  You probably also have wings like I do. We both deserve to fly. I hope you rediscover your wings, take to the sky and learn how to be happy. Good luck!

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