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Just found out I might be grey...?


area0485

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Update: I'm most comfortable with how @Karret has defined the terms, and after tons of reading I've decided I want to identify with demisexual because I think it fits me best. I might not have grasped entirely what greysexuality means in the beginning. Learning more about it has only affirmed that I'm more aligned with demisexuality. -end update

 

Hello. It's my first time posting here, and I'm nervous because the internet can be a horrid place and I am afraid to confide things like my sexuality in it, but I have faith that people here are nice (I've trawled the pages of AVEN for a while), so here goes.

 

The reason why I'm posting is because I feel alone. Let me explain.


Three years ago, I found out the term 'biromantic' and felt that it described me to a T. The more I read about it, the more I identified with it. The thing was, I was concerned about applying it to myself because I read that separating romantic attraction from sexual attraction is something that's used more often by the asexual community. On the other hand, I found out there were people who did identify as heterosexual biromantics, so I thought, "Hey, I'm not alone."

 

Until I realised I might not be just 'heterosexual'.

 

Some background: I identify as non-binary, though for all intents and purposes I present as a woman and mostly feel like one. (I'm closer to ambigender than anything else, though my gender expression doesn't necessarily reflect that all the time. I am also comfortable being referred to by any pronoun.) I've been in a relationship with my husband for 14 years. I'm very attracted to him, both romantically and sexually.

 

Apart from him, I've not been sexually attracted to anyone else. When I was younger, I would be romantically attracted to other men but I never thought about having sex with them. The thought just never crossed my mind. I would just imagine us in conventionally romantic situations - walking hand in hand, hugging, telling each other we loved each other, kissing. But never anything that involved erogenous zones. It just... never crossed my mind.

 

Before my husband and I were a thing, I had a boyfriend. We kissed a lot and held hands but one thing really stood out after I met my husband - I realised I was never sexually attracted to this other boy. My husband was the one who clued me in on what sexual attraction felt like. I felt a complete connection with him - first emotionally, then romantically, then sexually. In that order.

 

As for attraction to other people, in adulthood I have had sexual responses to male friends I was very close emotionally to - to be blatant, this means I was physically aroused 'southside' - but I wasn't romantically attracted to them, just platonically. I identified my physical responses as sexual because I know how my body behaved when I got intimate with my husband, but with these other men my body's responses, though similar, were completely involuntary. Also, I didn't want to act on these responses at all, even though I was emotionally close to these friends.

 

I have had physical responses to women, but never the kind I had with men. With these women, my heart would race and I would experience a lot of shyness - this is why I identified with the term 'biromantic'. I didn't identify with 'bisexual' because with women, I never had the involuntary physical response (read: in my pants) that I had with men. The women whom I've been attracted to are people whom I've identified certain qualities in; I'm attracted to those qualities, and sometimes these people only have to walk into the room and I sort of lose it at the thought of being physically close to them. I had this kind of attraction with my husband when we first got together, so I identify it as romantic.

 

I have never looked at someone - be it man or woman - and thought about how I want to date them or have sex with them. It's never crossed my mind. Same goes with celebrities. I've thought about being their friend, but that's it. The people whom I've been attracted to romantically or sexually have all been people I have invested myself in emotionally.

 

So what has thrown me off course is learning about 'greysexual' and 'demisexual'. I am aware that 'demisexual' is not a sexual orientation because it does not specify which gender I am attracted to, but I do see how I could possibly be demisexual because I'm only sexually attracted to people I'm emotionally connected to. Yet, I'm not rushing to classify myself as demisexual because I have a great desire for sex as long as it is with my husband, but the thought of sex with anyone else is just... I can't even begin to think of it to be repulsed by it, it's just unimaginable to me. However, because I desire sex, I really don't know where I belong. I feel like greysexual is most appropriate for me, but can anyone tell me if I sound like a greysexual to you? I'm not sure, because greysexual seems to veer more towards asexuality, which is defined by lack of sexual attraction, but when I think about my husband and how I'm always raring to go with him, I really can't see myself as 'lacking sexual attraction'.

 

Yikes. Sorry this was so long. I'm aware no one on here can label me, but it'd be nice to hear what you have to say on the topic, or if you have had similar feelings. As I said, I'm posting because I feel alone. I don't feel bad about being alone, but I will feel happier if I weren't.

 

Thank you for reading this.

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NickyTannock
@area0485 Welcome To AVEN!

I've found the people here very supportive I think you will too.
I joined AVEN for much the same reason I was feeling very isolated and alone because of my Asexuality.
In answer to your question, you do sound Demisexual to me, but I don't feel I'm qualified to answer that for you, because I'm an Aromantic Asexual.
 
Rainbow-cake-700.jpg
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Guest Deus Ex Infinity

Hey there Area :)

 

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I was actually SO happy to find this community while being on the search for answers myself last year.  I met the most supportive and amazing people here. They helped to finally accept and realize and my true identity as demi-greysexual which opened and changes my life for the best.

 

So, I do hope that you may find the same. Enjoy your stay with us :)

 

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I think you might be demi, since demis can experience it, but only to those whom they share a bond with, like you and your husband, whereas greysexual would be more like you rarely feel sexual attraction - I would imagine whether to your husband or anyone else. 

This is my understanding. o vo!

Hope you get a reply from a grace who might give you more solid answers!

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Dear @MichaelTannock, thank you for that lovely cake! And I really appreciate your message. Thanks for being the first.

 

Dear @Deus Ex Infinity, thank you for the warm welcome. What an affirming message! It's a pleasure to meet you.

 

Dear @Karret, thanks for that information! I too hope more people could share to let me know more.

 

You guys... It's such a breath of fresh air to have someone share their opinion after reading my story. It's so, so hard to explain to people how I feel, especially since I've been married for so long. 'Allosexual and straight' is how I look like on the outside, which makes it hard for me to express how I feel on the inside. Sometimes I feel that people just see me through this filter and can't really believe that I can be anything but 'allo and straight'. I've never asked them outright if they actually do, but when I start explaining how I separate romantic and sexual attraction they can't seem to wrap their heads around it, and that makes me wonder. It's one of the biggest reasons why I've never felt like I really fit in anywhere.

 

Thank you all for not making me feel that way.

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CierraJasmineJ

Hi! I can’t tell you exactly, especially since I’m still figuring things about myself. It’s totally real how it can be hard to explain romantic versus sexual attraction, I feel you there :) Although I agree with some others that it sounds like demi might fit you, honestly it is all up to yourself how you choose to identify. If you feel like the greysexual label fits you, then that’s perfectly fine! And if that happens to change, that’s cool to! Some people don’t like all these “labels”, but personally I find them super helpful, because it helps find a similar community. That being said, you can choose whichever labels you feel fit you best, because they are there to help you :D Sorry I can’t help you more, but those are just my thoughts about it. Hope you figure it out! Until then, here’s some more cake, because you can never have enough! :cake::cake::cake:

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Dear @CierraJasmineJ Thank you for your message! I, too, feel the same about labels - they put us in a box and that might not be the best thing, but it's only when we're in the box that we realise there are others in there with us, like us :) Thanks for your encouragement!

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