Norellia

I need some clarification on demis

Recommended Posts

Norellia

So I know the basic definition of demi's is that they dont get romantic/sexual attraction until a close bond is formed, but I also know that allo people have to have a bond before they develop feelings sometimes. So I am kinda just wondering what made demis feel different in their orientations from allo people? I am sorry if this might come off as offensive I am just wanting to understand demis more, and how they feel about their sexuality. Feel free to clarify me on my initial statement on demis if I am wrong btw. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The Gnat (Natalie)

No offense taken. In my experience, the difference is what constitutes a bond. Many of my friends will want to date (or start dating) someone within a couple months or even weeks of knowing them, whereas for me (demiromantic), I've only ever had a real crush on someone who was my best friend of over a year. Obviously, as you point out, a lot of allos don't actually want to start a romantic or sexual relationship with someone they don't feel some kind of bond with, but they would still feel that type of attraction. I.E. they might view someone as potential "boy/girlfriend material" very soon after meeting them, but not actually want to start a relationship without getting to know them a little better. For me at least, I wouldn't even think in those terms until I'd already had that long getting-to-know-each-other period. Hopefully that clarifies things!

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FranciumSenpai

Well, I'm not necessarily demisexual, but I am demiromantic and all. For me, the difference would be that if I haven't formed that close bond then I don't see them attractive. Like people I have close bonds with are attractive to me, but like those who aren't don't tingle my brain at all. I mean, not to say they're ugly or anything. My brain just isn't like "This person is definitely relationship material, go ahead and wife it up fam."

 

If that makes sense?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

Usually they have no experience with sexual feelings for anyone, possibly past the average age where people start developing crushes and whatnot, and assume they're asexual as a result, because they've not been able to relate to what they've heard or think others experience. Then someone comes along and they become close to them emotionally and develop sexual interest in them, and for some reason (possibly AVEN's fault), they believe that that's not within the realm of normal human sexuality. For whatever reason, they desire to continue identifying with elements of asexuality.

 

That's my experience, anyway. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Celyn

To add to @The Gnat (Natalie) 's reply, sexual attraction also a lot, lot rarer for demis than for most allosexuals. I mean, for me, even if I get a close bond, I may still not feel it.

@CBC I totally agree that it's within the bounds of "normal human sexuality" because that's so broad. Doesn't mean it can't be labelled. Like homosexuality is within the bounds o "normal human sexuality" but is labelled.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gisiebob

cart.jpg

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Marlow1
7 hours ago, Norellia said:

So I know the basic definition of demi's is that they dont get romantic/sexual attraction until a close bond is formed, but I also know that allo people have to have a bond before they develop feelings sometimes. So I am kinda just wondering what made demis feel different in their orientations from allo people? I am sorry if this might come off as offensive I am just wanting to understand demis more, and how they feel about their sexuality. Feel free to clarify me on my initial statement on demis if I am wrong btw. 

My partner is a sexual person, she experiences sexual attraction often and immediately. She can look at a guy in the street and think wow he is hot

 

She knows though, that these thoughts and feelings she gets are superficial, that they are not the 'real thing' so to speak and although the feelings are exceedingly strong, and the thoughts somewhat impulsive, she resists them because she loves me

 

what I am saying here is the compulsion to want to stare at the person, grab their attention, flirt with them and so on is very strong for my partner and it is something she feels she needs to control. Base one she calls it. She says as soon as she feels it she knows she has to get out of there!!

 

But this never ever happens to me, not ever. I frankly do not fancy anybody on meeting nor do I really do so over time

 

With my partner there was a series of events that brought us together. One of which was my brothers meddling lol

 

My brother told my now partner that I was besotted with her and that I was secretly interested in her and talked about he fall the time. Some of this was true but it was not sexual and it was not even romantic at the time

 

i liked my now partner for a variety of reasons, but very much on a platonic basis. But my brother and my now partner would not have understood this, when being told things like 'what a lovely person' both of them hear sexual attraction, because that is what this would be if they said it

 

The list of events that led to us getting to ever goes on and on, but basically had my partner not been convinced that I was crazy about her she would not have presumed this relationship. She can get really angry sometimes when we discuss this, but now that she understands what demisexual is, she has come to terms with it

 

We both know that my partner has the most vivid imagination and she tells me the most amazing things that go on in her mind. Myself, I have a condition called aphantasia, which baducally means I am blind in my minds eye and I cannot visualise anything and so in regards to attraction I cannot project any 'ideals' on to another person. But my partner definitely can and does do so

 

This article here explains a little about how the imagination is important in regards to instantanious attraction. And if you want to know more about the lack of imagination and how this can inhibit impulsive attraction please look at my profile there is a lot more information there

 

This is the article that explains how a person can instantaniously become deeply attracted, as I said earlier, there is no way for this to happen for me, not immediately that is, I really do need to get to know a person well, and even when I do there is no guarentee that I will become attracted, but fortunately in this one instance, with my partner, I am. But there is still no picture of her in my head though!

 

https://veilofreality.com/is-it-love-or-is-it-projection/

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle

Demi is a gray area identity consisting of sexual people who perceive their experience of sexuality to be different from what they think of as the norm. This difference usually takes the form of:

 

1. Difference in frequency of sexual attraction.

2. Difference in time spent with a person to experience sexual attraction.

3. Difference in the strength of bond it takes with a person to experience sexual attraction.

 

I've seen those who ID as demi describe their experiences as:

 

1. Thought they were asexual until they really did meet the "right person."

2. Can imagine themselves wanting sexual activity with someone they love but aren't quite sure as of yet.

3. Have experienced sexual attraction multiple times but only with people they were friends with first.

4. Have had many romantic interests/relationships but have not experienced sexual attraction in some amount of them.

 

In fiction I'd describe this experience to encompass the romantic genres of "friends to lovers" or "slow burn." :P

 

I assume they consider themselves not allo because they feel some form a kinship with the asexual community. Many considered themselves to be asexual before they did meet that one person. Many still ID as asexual as it exists as an umbrella term. My friend has two friends who ID as demi. They assume that once they meet the right person, they will want that sexual relationship but are also ok with not meeting that person ever. In that sense they are expecting to lead an asexual life unless this disruptor appears.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Deus Ex Infinity
12 hours ago, Norellia said:

So I know the basic definition of demi's is that they dont get romantic/sexual attraction until a close bond is formed, but I also know that allo people have to have a bond before they develop feelings sometimes. So I am kinda just wondering what made demis feel different in their orientations from allo people? I am sorry if this might come off as offensive I am just wanting to understand demis more, and how they feel about their sexuality. Feel free to clarify me on my initial statement on demis if I am wrong btw. 

Hey Norelly. I'm demigrey and feel a lot like you. It's mostly about forming an emotional connection first before experiencing romanic or sexual attraction.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now