valefar

Confirming my Sexual / Romantic Orientation? (in the need of some help)

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valefar

Hi everyone! I’m sure y’all get a lot of these posts, so I was going to keep this semi-short… It kind of turned out the opposite, so my apologies!

 

After some recent events, I’ve been concerned about what seems to be a lack of (and kind of a repulsion to) sexual and or romantic attraction. It’s starting to get in the way of my relationships with friends and family and is really screwing with my emotions, so I want help clarifying things, ya’ know? After writing this and looking through the different forums, I definitely believe I’m somewhere on the asexual and or aromantic spectrum, but I still want y’all’s opinions.

 

TL;DR: I seem to have a sort of desire for a close (romantic) relationship but can’t put a face to it without getting uncomfortable. I currently don’t have a desire for a sexual relationship and haven’t before. I’m unsure as to whether this is because of asexuality, aromanticism, or something else entirely.

 

To give you some context, I’ve had one crush in my life, but I’m not entirely sure how genuine it was. It definitely didn’t go very well. I gave him some chocolates, he gave it to another girl… Elementary school drama, ya’ know? Later on, I tried testing the waters a bit with dating. It wasn’t very serious, because it was middle school, and we all had no idea what was going on. I was intrigued with dating in general, because it seemed very cute, other people enjoyed it, and I just felt like I was missing out on something.

 

Needless to say, it never worked out and never lasted more than a few weeks. I wasn’t very comfortable with romantic or platonic affection at the time (directed towards me), not even with family members or friends. I’m still slightly uncomfortable with the latter now (and still very uncomfortable with romantic affection), but it’s better than what it was before. Basically, hand-holding, hugging, cuddling, and whatever else was too much. Besides that one “crush”, I’ve never seemed to harbor any romantic feelings for anyone.

 

I won’t get much into the whole “getting in the way of my relationships” thing, because that would be best suited for another forum… But, I have my mom, sisters (all six of ‘em), and friends try to guilt and or force me into relationships. I’m not entirely sure whether or not that’s turned me off of relationships or not. I used to think that maybe it was just commitment issues, because I’ve never had a good example of a loving relationship. I also thought that as a highschooler, I just might not have experienced any kind of attraction, because I’m focused on other things or haven’t had an experience that would lead to attraction.

 

I’ve mainly been talking about romantic attraction, so I’ll go ahead and dig into the rest of the platter.

 

My mom had a huge obsession with those kinky vampire shows, so I was introduced to the whole idea of intercourse at a pretty young age. I used to be embarrassed by it, because people acted like my tiny, little virgin eyes could never see such an atrocity. Long story short, nowadays, I don’t really feel the need or want to try it out. I thought I might just have a distaste for it or might have a low libido that I’m confusing for sexual orientation. I’m not uncomfortable talking about it, but I just don’t think about it. I don’t really find myself attracted to most things, so I’m a tad confused.

 

This is kind of a sucky conclusion to a post this long, but what do y’all think?  

 

sidenote: Before this site, there was no one I could’ve talked to that would’ve understood, so finding these forums was a true miracle. Thank you for that.

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Claire1983
49 minutes ago, valefar said:

Hi everyone! I’m sure y’all get a lot of these posts, so I was going to keep this semi-short… It kind of turned out the opposite, so my apologies!

 

After some recent events, I’ve been concerned about what seems to be a lack of (and kind of a repulsion to) sexual and or romantic attraction. It’s starting to get in the way of my relationships with friends and family and is really screwing with my emotions, so I want help clarifying things, ya’ know? After writing this and looking through the different forums, I definitely believe I’m somewhere on the asexual and or aromantic spectrum, but I still want y’all’s opinions.

 

TL;DR: I seem to have a sort of desire for a close (romantic) relationship but can’t put a face to it without getting uncomfortable. I currently don’t have a desire for a sexual relationship and haven’t before. I’m unsure as to whether this is because of asexuality, aromanticism, or something else entirely.

 

To give you some context, I’ve had one crush in my life, but I’m not entirely sure how genuine it was. It definitely didn’t go very well. I gave him some chocolates, he gave it to another girl… Elementary school drama, ya’ know? Later on, I tried testing the waters a bit with dating. It wasn’t very serious, because it was middle school, and we all had no idea what was going on. I was intrigued with dating in general, because it seemed very cute, other people enjoyed it, and I just felt like I was missing out on something.

 

Needless to say, it never worked out and never lasted more than a few weeks. I wasn’t very comfortable with romantic or platonic affection at the time (directed towards me), not even with family members or friends. I’m still slightly uncomfortable with the latter now (and still very uncomfortable with romantic affection), but it’s better than what it was before. Basically, hand-holding, hugging, cuddling, and whatever else was too much. Besides that one “crush”, I’ve never seemed to harbor any romantic feelings for anyone.

 

I won’t get much into the whole “getting in the way of my relationships” thing, because that would be best suited for another forum… But, I have my mom, sisters (all six of ‘em), and friends try to guilt and or force me into relationships. I’m not entirely sure whether or not that’s turned me off of relationships or not. I used to think that maybe it was just commitment issues, because I’ve never had a good example of a loving relationship. I also thought that as a highschooler, I just might not have experienced any kind of attraction, because I’m focused on other things or haven’t had an experience that would lead to attraction.

 

I’ve mainly been talking about romantic attraction, so I’ll go ahead and dig into the rest of the platter.

 

My mom had a huge obsession with those kinky vampire shows, so I was introduced to the whole idea of intercourse at a pretty young age. I used to be embarrassed by it, because people acted like my tiny, little virgin eyes could never see such an atrocity. Long story short, nowadays, I don’t really feel the need or want to try it out. I thought I might just have a distaste for it or might have a low libido that I’m confusing for sexual orientation. I’m not uncomfortable talking about it, but I just don’t think about it. I don’t really find myself attracted to most things, so I’m a tad confused.

 

This is kind of a sucky conclusion to a post this long, but what do y’all think?  

 

sidenote: Before this site, there was no one I could’ve talked to that would’ve understood, so finding these forums was a true miracle. Thank you for that.

Welcome!  I haven't really delved into the romantic orientation stuff yet, so I can't speak to that, (whole new can of worms I'm not ready to open) but if you don't find yourself drawn to anyone in a sexual way that certainly lines up with asexuality.  It can be difficult to separate things out.  Libido is separate from orientation, but it can absolutely make things confusing.  I had a fairly high one until I went on Zoloft and it mostly died.  Long story short, I think I was confusing a combo of anxiety and romantic/ sensual attraction for sexual attraction.  So it can be tricky but just take your time.  Talking to other people and trying to find common experiences helps

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smittyw

Hey there! Just thought I am actually maybe qualified to comment because...I feel pretty much exactly the same way you do. You are by no means alone here!! :D

 

I also have no desire to be in sexual situations and although the concept of dating seems "cute" to me, I cannot imagine myself dating anyone I know in real life. I've tried thinking about it so many times now with many different people (guys and gals alike, to try and test the waters if I might be panromantic) but unfortunately there is something in me that always gets uncomfortable about it or just generally disconnected from romance and any strong feelings toward people. I wish I could figure out exactly what my romantic orientation is but I've decided that I won't know for sure unless I keep making new friends and eventually be able to rule out relationships when I am more "experienced".

 

I may not be able to help much but I think you are very likely on the asexual and aromantic spectrums. Where exactly you land is for you to decide :)) For me, I know I am asexual but am still figuring out if I am aromantic, demiromantic, greyromanric, heteroromantic, biromantic....blah blah. There are so many different -romantics that I don't really know where I stand anymore. Glad to know that others on this site are equally confused/questioning, and I'm sure you feel the same! 

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