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Do I belong on the gray-ace spectrum?


Flump222

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I recently got over a spell of self-doubt, so I'm pretty sure that I'm at least somewhere on the spectrum. However, I think that I want to find where I fit on the spectrum. I have explored this topic before, when I wasn't in my self-doubt (I had ID'd as ace before I fell into that doubt). I know that I am heteroromantic, as I desire relationships with girls (however I don't like anyone now, even though I want to, but whatever). Here is a bit of context about how I feel (which has been taken and slightly adapted from an earlier post because I feel that what I wrote is the best that I can describe myself, so if you've read this already, sorry).

 

Although I do masturbate, and look at stuff when I do, I feel only the act really interests me (and I only really do it because I'm bored and it feels good). I don't have the thought when looking at someone of wanting to have sex specifically with them, and I just focus on whatever they're doing, rather than who's doing it. I also sometimes have difficulty with fantasies, though they have become easier for me. I don't really imagine another person with me in it, just sort of an anonymous figure (also it's somewhat become my natural inclination for them to be gay, which I think is weird because I have no attraction to men). I can imagine a specific person, but that takes extra work and never really adds anything. I'm indifferent to it at most, and I don't look at people and have a urge to have sex with them or anything. I have had a crush once, and all I wanted with her was just to spend time and stuff, nothing sexual. I think that I also experience aesthetic attraction, where I have an urge to just sort of look at someone based only on appearance, but I'm not sure because occasionally I get a small tingle in my nether regions. I wouldn't call it full blown arousal, and I don't really get an erection, but it's still a feeling there. That feeling does go away very quickly, but sometimes comes back I also kind of identify with the fraysexual label, but I haven't for a long time because I was afraid of people's reactions and if I even belonged on the spectrum at all. I feel like that because that feeling that I described earlier doesn't really happen again after a little while (but sometimes comes back for no reason). The more I know the person, the more the idea of sex with them repulses me. I don't know, I tend to over analyze everything.

 

Do you think that I belong somewhere on the gray side of the spectrum, or I'm just heteroromantic ace?

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Well, first of all, that's for you to decide. I just want to add that a lot of asexuals do masturbate and some understand what makes someone attractive, but being asexual is lack of sexual attraction. So if you ever look at someone and just think that you would like to have sexual intercourse with that person, you are most likely not an ace. But if it's simply fantasies and you do not desire it in real life, you may be asexual. I'm no expert, but I hope that my ten cents help out. ^_^

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If it's gray, it sounds like a very dark gray to me. But you don't need anyone's permission to choose your labels. If you feel that you're too sexual to be ace, then go with gray. That's why we have a spectrum with the Gray Area, right? Don't mistake occasional arousal for sexual attraction though.

 

13 hours ago, Flump222 said:

The more I know the person, the more the idea of sex with them repulses me.

If the idea repulses you to start with, or at least leaves you completely indifferent, I'd find it strange to call your experience fraysexual. AIUI, fraysexual would mean that you do experience sexual attraction to people you're not close with, but the feeling wanes as you grow closer. The way you describe it, it sounds more like you consider sex in theory or fantasy, but the repulsion kicks in as soon as there's a hint of a chance that something might actually happen?

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4 hours ago, roland.o said:

If it's gray, it sounds like a very dark gray to me. But you don't need anyone's permission to choose your labels. If you feel that you're too sexual to be ace, then go with gray. That's why we have a spectrum with the Gray Area, right? Don't mistake occasional arousal for sexual attraction though.

 

If the idea repulses you to start with, or at least leaves you completely indifferent, I'd find it strange to call your experience fraysexual. AIUI, fraysexual would mean that you do experience sexual attraction to people you're not close with, but the feeling wanes as you grow closer. The way you describe it, it sounds more like you consider sex in theory or fantasy, but the repulsion kicks in as soon as there's a hint of a chance that something might actually happen?

Well, yeah, with what you said about the fraysexual stuff, I do quite get what you mean. I remember when I had my crush I felt this sort of pull, to be close and stuff, and I don't think that happens with me in those situations. Also, sorry for asking, but what do you mean by dark gray? Is that further from the completely ace side of spectrum, or closer to it? Forgive my lack of experience with that terminology.

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19 hours ago, Flump222 said:

what do you mean by dark gray?

If you look at the AVEN triangle, it has a white side at the top. That represents the spectrum from hetero- to homosexual. The bottom corner, in black, represents asexuality - no sexual attraction at all. "Dark gray" therefore means very close to the asexual end of the spectrum from (allo)sexual to asexual.

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10 hours ago, roland.o said:

If you look at the AVEN triangle, it has a white side at the top. That represents the spectrum from hetero- to homosexual. The bottom corner, in black, represents asexuality - no sexual attraction at all. "Dark gray" therefore means very close to the asexual end of the spectrum from (allo)sexual to asexual.

Ah, thank you!

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