for those older aces living solo - who looks out for you?

[ryn2]

One of the things that worries me as I stand on the precipice of once again living alone (after over two decades in my current-but-maybe-not-for-long relationship) is what will happen (to my pets, especially) if I die unexpectedly.

 

As long as I continue to work, people would notice me missing within a day and likely start looking into it within two or three... so worst case - I bought it on a Friday evening - someone (the police) would probably enter the house no more than four or five days later.  Once I stop working, though, I don’t know that anyone will look for me regularly.

 

The last time I lived solo my mother was still alive.  She’s long since gone these days and I have neither children nor siblings.

 

How have the rest of you addressed this?  I know there are services I can pay for that will alert the authorities if I don’t check in every X hours/days, and I can see perhaps going that route eventually, but I’m curious as to what the rest of you have come up with.

[AndrewT]

20 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

One of the things that worries me as I stand on the precipice of once again living alone (after over two decades in my current-but-maybe-not-for-long relationship) is what will happen (to my pets, especially) if I die unexpectedly.

 

As long as I continue to work, people would notice me missing within a day and likely start looking into it within two or three... so worst case - I bought it on a Friday evening - someone (the police) would probably enter the house no more than four or five days later.  Once I stop working, though, I don’t know that anyone will look for me regularly.

 

The last time I lived solo my mother was still alive.  She’s long since gone these days and I have neither children nor siblings.

 

How have the rest of you addressed this?  I know there are services I can pay for that will alert the authorities if I don’t check in every X hours/days, and I can see perhaps going that route eventually, but I’m curious as to what the rest of you have come up with.

I'm only 38 but i can almost be certain that once my grandparents (both in their 80's) have passed away (they contact me a lot), no no-one would notice for a while, I'd guess at least a week maybe more.

 

As I have gone to university I guess I'd get an email after not attending for a few weeks, someone on the course may try and make contact but, once I finish the course who knows.

Certainly no-one would notice for a few days potentially even a few weeks

[Frogster]

I don't think that they have services like that here. Like you, I figure they might find me in four or five days.(while I have a job) I'd like to be able to take advantage of the cemetery in Montana that will get you in a hole in the ground without any fancy preservatives or boxes but they have to receive the corpse within 24 hours. Very unlikely in my case. I do worry about my dog. In answer to your question...I haven't come up with anything. I do think about it. It seems like any solution comes with the threat of unwanted interventions. When I was thinking about volunteering for the local ambulance service I asked what they do when someone wishes to refuse intervention. They thought that was an indication of mental illness. I did not volunteer.

 

At the moment, I am waiting for the death of my best friend who wishes to die at home not attached to tubes and dressed in a hospital gown.  At home where he can see the sky and mountains, thankful to be going home without a lot of unnecessary distraction. Unfortunately at this stage he doesn't even want me to call so its hard. Hence my return to this forum.

 

Sorry if that last bit was off topic.

[ryn2]

I’m sorry about your friend, @froglady.  That’s a hard thing to go through.

 

I volunteered as a paramedic for 10 or so years, and have also dispatched.  My last two partners have also had EMS or firefighting experience.  My experiences there are doubtless a factor in why all this worries me.

 

In the US state law (which varies from state to state) determines when care refusal is allowable versus when it becomes a mental health issue.  In my state any competent adult can refuse care.  If they got sent here unnecessarily I could just send them packing.  Still, awkward.

 

Maybe technology will start to take care of this over time as more Internet-connected people are widowed?  I can see it becoming acceptable to check in electronically with friends every day or two (with an action plan if people are unreachable).  Right now that still feels like a lot to ask of my few closer friends.

[Muledeer]

I worry more about someone looking out for me if my health fails, or if I get injured,  rather and finding my body.  Dead is dead, but I am concerned that my dog not get trapped inside a structure, and die of thirst, or worst case, has to eat my corpse.  That happens.  It will likely be weeks or months before someone comes looking for me, especially if I am retired.

[Frogster]

The dog thing is a real concern. I wonder if the local animal rescue would be amenable to check ins for the sake of my dog without posing an undue hazard to my wishes for myself.

[Frogster]

46 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

the US state law (which varies from state to state) determines when care refusal is allowable versus when it becomes a mental health issue

guess I should check the actual laws here vs what the ambulance-coroner person told me 5-6 years ago

[ryn2]

27 minutes ago, Muledeer said:

I worry more about someone looking out for me if my health fails, or if I get injured,  rather and finding my body.  Dead is dead, but I am concerned that my dog not get trapped inside a structure, and die of thirst, or worst case, has to eat my corpse.  That happens.  It will likely be weeks or months before someone comes looking for me, especially if I am retired.

That worries me as well, but I’d already made such a long post.   Medical care here requires an emergency contact, and a lot of procedures can’t be done without a driver who will sit there the whole time waiting.

 

Agreed on dead being dead.  If I didn’t have pets that part would not really concern me.  My cats are indoor only and, likewise, I worry about them starving/dehydrating if no one comes.

[ryn2]

7 minutes ago, froglady said:

guess I should check the actual laws here vs what the ambulance-coroner person told me 5-6 years ago

Yeah, there are unkind people in every profession... never hurts to verify!

[daveb]

Currently I am sharing my house with my sister, but plan to change that next year and live alone again. I am retired, so there is no employer or co-workers who would notice if I didn't show up. I'm really not sure how to handle this potential issue; especially once I get pets. The thing with hospitals needing you to have a driver who will stick around during procedures is also a concern. There needs to be more thought put into these things, with solutions that work for people who live alone, and may not have anyone they can rely on to help. We don't all have friends or relatives close by, and I would be wary of doing something like getting neighbors involved (because of my introverted nature).

[Frogster]

I've been avoiding procedures that require a driver to hang around or tests that could only land me in a distant hospital with no way back home.

 

This topic is helping me clarify my thinking.

 

The corpse? well eventually it will stink.

 

The dog would need some help. I love my dog and I need to make sure she will be ok.

[Skycaptain]

After my parents pass away, and if I could ever afford to retire, then I'd probably be missed for weeks , like others when dead my biggest concern would be my pets. I wouldn't want future kitties to turn feral. 

With ever expanding mobile technology, I'd expect it to be very unlikely that I'd be conscious yet immobile and unable to summon help. 

[Frogster]

3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

  Medical care here requires an emergency contact, and a lot of procedures can’t be done without a driver who will sit there the whole time waiting.

Here the care is very limited (no doctors or hospitals in the county) and calling for help, if something is remotely serious ,gets you an ambulance ride to the helipad and a one way trip to wherever they take you. There are a number of veterinarians though. 

[ryn2]

When I initially lived alone as a younger person I didn’t have pets (apartment-dweller, back in the day).  More recently I’d thought my partner would address it.  I guess I need to document concrete plans for them if this divorce materializes and make sure it’s in my Will.

[ryn2]

23 minutes ago, froglady said:

Here the care is very limited (no doctors or hospitals in the county) and calling for help, if something is remotely serious ,gets you an ambulance ride to the helipad and a one way trip to wherever they take you. There are a number of veterinarians though. 

I have a friend in the vicinity of Livingston who says the same.

 

Where I am, there are plenty of people and healthcare options.  Alas, most everything is still set up as though one has family to look after him/her/them.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, froglady said:

I've been avoiding procedures that require a driver to hang around or tests that could only land me in a distant hospital with no way back home.

 

This topic is helping me clarify my thinking.

 

The corpse? well eventually it will stink.

 

The dog would need some help. I love my dog and I need to make sure she will be ok.

Dealing with stinky corpses is a routine part of some people’s jobs (sorry, local Medical Examiner’s office), but I don’t want the rest (missed tests/care, especially abandoned pets) to happen.

 

There’s probably a great business opportunity here for someone far more entrepreneurial than me.  

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Skycaptain said:

With ever expanding mobile technology, I'd expect it to be very unlikely that I'd be conscious yet immobile and unable to summon help. 

Yeah, I was thinking that if I end up alone I will need to be more diligent about not being rooms away from my mobile.

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, daveb said:

The thing with hospitals needing you to have a driver who will stick around during procedures is also a concern. There needs to be more thought put into these things, with solutions that work for people who live alone, and may not have anyone they can rely on to help. We don't all have friends or relatives close by, and I would be wary of doing something like getting neighbors involved (because of my introverted nature).

Given that I work in healthcare I should ask what options my employer provides/would entertain.  I need to think about how I can do that without outing my situation.

[Gazza83]

OK so I'm not old enough to really worry about that yet. Currently i have a flatmate which will be for another year at least before i get rid of him lol. After that I'm lucky enough to have my stepmother down the road that if she didn't hear from me after like a day or 2 then she would call or stop by my flat to see whats up. This has yet to happen tho as we all talk a lot thru WhatsApp. I also have my sisters that would question my quietness after a good few days after that. And i suppose a couple of friends would certainly notice my lack of activity on facebook. Infact if i didn't post on there for a few days i think they would all alert the police lol. I have neighbours that are old and if i don't see them for a few days i would chap the door and see if they answer. Guess i would hope for the same in return.

[Frogster]

Sometimes I think about sharing this house with someone. There is room by most peoples standards. It is the size house that families with kids live in.

It kind of scares me to even think about it.

Right now, I treasure the quiet and the freedom of living alone way more than I any desire I have to be safe or found or helped. Maybe it could be turned into some kind of small monastery type place for aging hermits. someday...a long time from now

 

 

 

[ryn2]

I thought about a housemate too but my house isn’t really set up in a way that two people who are not in a relationship of some sort could live in it without getting in each other’s way both emotionally and physically.

[Yeast]

I do. I suppose I always have. I've never lived with anybody except my immediate family and my parents died 40 years ago. I've lived completely on my own for the past 20 years. Frankly the only reason I have a cell phone is to be able to make emergency calls. Fortunately I've been blessed with good health all my life but of course I know I'm not going to live forever. Sooner or later I'll probably need some sort of assisted care. My worst nightmare is I'll end up in a bad nursing home getting drugged and raped by professional psychopaths. Hope I die before I get old. Perhaps only my dust mites will miss me. One good thing about being agnostic is that if there is no after life I'll never know. 

[ryn2]

I have an insurance policy to

cover long-term care (hopefully sans the sort of creepy workers you mentioned, @Yeast!) but that will only help if I am mentally competent (and conscious) when I leave my home.

 

Fellow agnostic here.  I figure I either won’t be disappointed or will be pleasantly surprised.  

[Muledeer]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

 

Fellow agnostic here.  I figure I either won’t be disappointed or will be pleasantly surprised.  

Ha Ha that is a great way to view death!  

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Thankfully I have a daughter who whatsapps me every day, plus, I'm in full time work so I'd be missed there, but if it wasn't for work I'd rarely meet anyone!

[ryn2]

I don’t feel like I missed out personally by not having kids but it’s definitely a source of regular contact I’m lacking!

[Kazbe]

On 4/16/2018 at 4:49 AM, daveb said:

There needs to be more thought put into these things, with solutions that work for people who live alone, and may not have anyone they can rely on to help.

Completely agree. I have friends but none close by. I get on well with my neighbours, but depending on the procedure I would hestitate to ask any of them to pick me up from a hospital. I would feel very uncomfortable getting a neighbour to pick me up after a colonoscopy! 

 

I find living with someone else stressful. I can never relax unless they're out,  and feel like I have to creep around in my own home. Even when I had partners, I found myself having to have the proverbial 'room of my own' as a retreat. 

 

So it worries me, this getting older malarky. I do sometimes wonder what would happen if I collapsed and couldn't get to a phone. Who would notice I wasn't around? It's not so bad when I'm working, but when I retire? I'm still toying with selling and moving to a retirement village (not something I really want). My ideal would be to find a co-housing arrangement - an intentional community of private homes clustered around shared space (like the one in the link below). I'm sure it will have some downsides but I would be willing to trade that for the security of knowing there are people around who might notice I am missing! 

http://www.illabundavillage.com.au/

[Homer]

I'll end up as one of those people who only get found months after passing because of the stench in the hallway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 

[ryn2]

11 hours ago, Homer said:

I'll end up as one of those people who only get found months after passing because of the stench in the hallway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 

I wouldn’t have a problem with that if it weren’t for my pets.

[teatree]

On 4/21/2018 at 7:54 PM, Homer said:

I'll end up as one of those people who only get found months after passing because of the stench in the hallway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 

Ewwww! Not too nice for whoever finds you and has to clean up. 🤢