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Wow, sex is hard now.


anisotrophic

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anisotrophic

We want another kid, so... yeah. I scheduled it. If it weren't for this motivation, I'd really rather not. (I've got some trans reasons here too. I'm eager to try hormones, but my fertility is dwindling by the year, so trying for one last kid first. The sooner I get this done, the sooner I can do that.)
 

I can't regret all the communication that we've had. Understanding how profoundly different we are, that my partner's experience of sexual attraction is absent or nearly so. My self esteem is returning. I feel loved again. <3

But I'm also painfully uninterested in sex with a partner that isn't attracted to me. My own attraction has disappeared. I'm forcing myself to respond. I feel vulnerable and awkward. I'd rather not be doing it at all. We love each other and are very kind to each other about this, but now we're both forcing ourselves! omg. I tried some beer to make myself relax. Tips welcome? :mellow:


And then another gender identity question. I start to wonder - is sustained sexual attraction to someone despite *knowing* they have no attraction to you (and cannot have it)... more of a male thing? :blink: (Not that I'm trying to be male, either.)

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Just be sure that you know you want a kid and know that you want it with your partner. All other choices can be reversed later, but not that one. 

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anisotrophic
3 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Just be sure that you know you want a kid and know that you want it with your partner. All other choices can be reversed later, but not that one. 

We have two already. We thought for months and both want it, yes.

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Telecaster68
2 hours ago, anisotropic said:

 I start to wonder - is sustained sexual attraction to someone despite *knowing* they have no attraction to you (and cannot have it)... more of a male thing? :blink: (Not that I'm trying to be male, either.)

I don't know if it's more of a male thing, but I know I have the same thing about having no interest in sex with a partner who can't raise any kind of interest, and even if she could have sex out of wanting to give me pleasure, knowing she had no sexual desire in her own right makes it a kind of tepid, decaffeinated experience.

 

I think a lot of couples give up entirely because of this, and it's sad for both. The sexual because of the terrible effects of not being desired, and the asexual because it's a graphic demonstration of how they just can't be enough.

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4 hours ago, anisotropic said:

If it weren't for this motivation,

This is the key that unlocks so many doors. When we are motivated, when things please us to do so, when there is something in it for me, suddenly we become capable.

 

 

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anisotrophic
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think a lot of couples give up entirely because of this, and it's sad for both. The sexual because of the terrible effects of not being desired, and the asexual because it's a graphic demonstration of how they just can't be enough.

 

He was a bit sad that I seem to be losing my desire/attraction to him, and I was a bit  (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ 

 

(More articulately, I pointed out he was complaining about what I had experienced for over a decade. He concurred, didn't mean to say it was a bad thing... just sad in a somber "things have been lost" way. We might be filling the gaps right now with a lot of affection and love. I also pointed out that I am sexual, and maybe I'll regain some desire in the future.)

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20 hours ago, anisotropic said:

and I was a bit  (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ 

You flipped a table upside down?! :o

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On 4/15/2018 at 10:21 AM, anisotropic said:

But I'm also painfully uninterested in sex with a partner that isn't attracted to me. My own attraction has disappeared. I'm forcing myself to respond. I feel vulnerable and awkward. I'd rather not be doing it at all. We love each other and are very kind to each other about this, but now we're both forcing ourselves! omg. I tried some beer to make myself relax. Tips welcome? :mellow:

My story is as a sexual woman with an asexual spouse, who just identified as such a few months ago.  I always knew, though, that the passion/desire thing was missing for him. 

 

But anyway, what helped me (and my asexual spouse too, I suppose, in retrospect) was  to get into the mindset as having sex with the express goal of conceiving a human being, taking the "burden" of him faking passion out of the equation entirely. In addition, it was one giant "science experiment" for us since we had problems conceiving, so out came the calendars, thermometers, and ovulation predictor tests.  So that kind of helped, if you will.  Very clinical overall.  What we were focused on was creating something much more important than ourselves, I suppose, at least that's how I felt about it.

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