Everyone knows

[WhimBerry]

I thought I had a crush on a girl. The day after I confirmed this, I told two close friends what I had thought for a long time. Two days later, she reveals that she had accidentally told an entire room full of people.

This was top secret information. Nobody knew, I didn't want anyone to know yet. I never tell anyone my secrets. I don't even write them in my diary. People always let it slip. My sister read my diary to her friend. My closest friend let a huge secret slip. But I thought that I could trust people this time not to blurt out the truth a the drop of the hat because they forgot. Only three people knew. Then an entire room. I didn't want to tell one specific person there until I had to. I didn't even tell her that I was asexual- She knows now, of course. She wanted to know who I had a crush on. I refused to tell her. I was never going to them anyway. My parents don't know. Nobody was supposed to know. Six people know now. I don't know if I can trust her again. I didn't even want to look at her. She says that she's terrible at keeping secrets. I'm worried that she'll let it slip again. I'm so scared that she'll let it slip again. This is why I don't tell people things. I wish I had never told her this. I have no control over any of this any more. I should have never trusted them. What do I do. I can't do anything. THIS WASN'T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. 

[A.R.B.]

Well, first of all, don't tell that person secrets again, and secondly, act like a politician and deny everything without technically lying.  So basically, don't deny you have a crush, but don't admit it either. Because if you deny it, you may not have much of a chance with that person, but you already know you don't want to admit it. So say things like how they're a nice person, but you are still young and don't need to worry about dating. Or maybe say that you've never said you have a crush on her, but still think she's a really nice person. I'm not really a crush expert and when a rumour spread about me, I couldn't figure out how to stop it. BUT maybe you could get your friend who spilled the beans to back you up and tell those people that it was just an attempt to start some drama. I hope this helps. 

[Niboty]

First of all listen to this guys advice, its probably the best way to handle the situation at this moment!

3 minutes ago, A.R.B. said:

Well, first of all, don't tell that person secrets again, and secondly, act like a politician and deny everything without technically lying.  So basically, don't deny you have a crush, but don't admit it either. Because if you deny it, you may not have much of a chance with that person, but you already know you don't want to admit it. So say things like how they're a nice person, but you are still young and don't need to worry about dating. Or maybe say that you've never said you have a crush on her, but still think she's a really nice person. I'm not really a crush expert and when a rumour spread about me, I couldn't figure out how to stop it. BUT maybe you could get your friend who spilled the beans to back you up and tell those people that it was just an attempt to start some drama. I hope this helps. 

But I would also try to remember that while this must be very tough emotionally now, it can only make you stronger. Try to think in your past when you have dealt with something devastating that was out of your control, and then ask yourself did it really hurt you in the long run. Trust your gut and keep your head held high. Best of luck, you didn't deserve this but you can absolutely handle it!

[roland.o]

14 hours ago, WhimBerry said:

I should have never trusted them.

Maybe. But being human means making mistakes. The key point is to learn from your mistakes.

 

One thing about trust is that it always comes with a risk. If you try to minimize your risk by never trusting anyone, you'll live a rather lonesome life. It's better to get used to the fact that some people will not live up to your trust over your lifetime. Instead of keeping all your secrets to yourself, select some small secrets to share with some close friends. It's a kind of test, and an opportunity for them to earn and strengthen your trust. Or, mathematically: take calculated risks.

 

I must admit though that I couldn't quite follow your story. You mention a girl you have a crush on, then two friends, then "she". Apparently "she" is not the girl you crushed on... so maybe one of those two friends?

 

14 hours ago, WhimBerry said:

What do I do.

Be yourself. What others know or do not know about you doesn't change who you are. Maybe it changes how some people interact with you, but that's their problem.

 

14 hours ago, WhimBerry said:

I can't do anything.

"the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances"

Hmm, that quote from an office door at my workplace has a darker background than I thought, but that doesn't make it any less applicable.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/viral-mehta/life-choices_b_2390373.html
 

You have the choice to feel betrayed and helpless, or to shrug and move on: "It's out now... so what."

If that person who wasn't supposed to know yet is someone you might want to get closer to, you'd have had to come out eventually... or pretend to be someone else than you really are. That's unbelievably tiresome and wearing. And the longer you drag it out, the harder it gets to come out, and the more worried you'd be about how the other reacts. You were saved from all that trouble by someone who couldn't keep a secret. Lucky you  

If that person wasn't someone you would have wanted to get closer to anyway, never mind what they do or do not know about you. If you still consider it a secret, knowing that secret might give others power over you. If you consider it a known, though not widely publicized fact, they lose that power over you. It might not have been the way you would have wanted things to go, but such is life... make the best of it.

 

Trying to translate a saying of my Kung-Fu master: "There is no loss - you just need to see how you've won."

[Laplace]

Yeah unfortunately the one thing people absolutely cannot resist is passing around a juicy piece of gossip 😩. The leak is usually not accidental too 😅; when it comes to romance, the gossip is just too tempting for too many people. @A.R.B. has some pretty good advice though; try to play it cool. Just act neutral and stuff. People get all suspicious if you try to deny it too fervently (and besides you probably don’t want to preemptively reject the person even if you are certain the feelings aren’t reciprocated if the rumors flip in the opposite direction). Whenever I was friendly with a girl (or literally just helped them with classwork or something), it occasionally got picked up by the rumor mill cause it was like “ZOMG the quiet guy who’s never talks to girls is talking to girls!1!!11” I just kinda acted like it was news to me and gave people these puzzled looks if I was asked if I did actually like the person. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t talk to classmates so it became pretty obvious to people that the revelation was blown way out of proportion.

[Telecaster68]

It's a bit embarrassing now, but you haven't actually done anything wrong. People have crushes all the time, it's perfectly natural, and pretty often the object of the crush is at least a little flattered. You shouldn't get too bent out of shape by the whole 'everyone knows' bit. 

[WhimBerry]

Okay, thanks everyone. I sort of panicked- I almost never tell anyone secrets of any kind. I came out properly to the one friend who didn't know yet and he was incredibly supportive, so that's out of the way- And there's really no one else for her to tell. The only thing I worry about is my parents finding out- They haven't been the most... Supportive of me being asexual. They kind of dismissed it.

I really can't blame my friend for accidentally telling our other friends... She has ADHD, we all do, and it was just that, an accident. No bad intentions.

That being said, I certainly am not going to tell her secrets again unless I have told the WHOLE friend group first.

 

[smittyw]

@WhimBerry I am with you on not usually telling secrets to anyone. I only told three of my friends about the crush I used to have in 6th-7th grade...and I told them about it when I was a junior in high school. I am still working up to the whole coming out thing, so congrats on being brave enough to open up to your friend! 

 

One thing to remember is that there's no need to be embarrassed if people know about a crush, because their opinions about your feelings have no impact on you in the long run (unless they are very intrusive or mean about it, which I would hope does not happen among your friends). As long as you can pull the plausible deniability card, politician-style, and/or act confused about it (as A.R.B and Laplace advised) then you should be prepared to ward off their questions about it.

 

If worst comes to worst and someone pesters you about the subject, don't be afraid to be brutally honest: "If you really want to know, yes I do have a crush on her, but was that any of your business? No! Yet you would have assumed the same no matter what I told you," etc. I hope this helps at all, and good luck with this whole situation. It can be hard to deal with gossip and secrets but they usually blow over pretty quickly, so don't worry too much. :))

[Ms. Carolynne]

I think you'll find this isn't a big deal if you don't make it one.

 

As I've grown older, I've found crushes are quite normal. Alloromantics seem to have them all the time.

 

I do understand however that your peers might be inclined to dramatize it. Pay them no mind.