How do you do it?

[littlebilby]

Hi everyone!

I’ve been going through a lot lately with discovering my asexuality. Now I’m starting to wonder about aromanticism and whether or not it applies to me. I’ve been reading lots on here and the main thing I’ve seen is that people who are aromantic still seem to have relationships.

My question is: how do you it??? I tried to begin a relationship this year with someone I got along with super well, but the lack of romantic/sexual attraction just left me feeling so so uncomfortable. Like, I had the butterflies but none of the positive feelings. It’s was just anxiety and a feeling of hollowness. Empty of the feelings I wanted to be experiencing. I can’t imagine going ahead with a relationship when there are so many negative feelings involved. So how do you manage? 

Maybe it’s just because I’m not comfortable with my sexuality right now so it felt super wrong to be bringing someone else into my complicated world? I’m not sure. All I know is that in theory I would love a partner for the companionship and the support but the negative feelings were just too overwhelming to continue. 

[Screwball52]

I know how you feel. I thought I may have been aromantic, but it was just growing up made it hard to feel the same enthusiasm about romance. I learned things, and the things I learned made me realize that other people expect different things out of a relationship than I did. Trying to meet someone else's expectations can be hard and uncomfortable..  

I'm not in a relationship right now, so I can't tell you how I've made it work. But I can tell you you're not alone in feeling that way. 

[littlebilby]

57 minutes ago, Screwball52 said:

I know how you feel. I thought I may have been aromantic, but it was just growing up made it hard to feel the same enthusiasm about romance. I learned things, and the things I learned made me realize that other people expect different things out of a relationship than I did. Trying to meet someone else's expectations can be hard and uncomfortable..  

I'm not in a relationship right now, so I can't tell you how I've made it work. But I can tell you you're not alone in feeling that way. 

Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it. so you don’t identify as aromantic at all now? 

[Gldlynch]

Hey Littlebilby

 

When I discovered my asexuality I asked the same question to myself too. It can be hard to define the line that falls between ace and aro but only time and experience can give you the answer.

 

The only way you can enter a relationship is by being honest about how you feel. Whether this consists of talking to your partner, or just to yourself is up to you. I think you'll just have to wait and see if the romantic feelings develop from somewhere. I think I'm something like lith or fray when it comes to romantic orientations.

[littlebilby]

9 minutes ago, Gldlynch said:

Hey Littlebilby

 

When I discovered my asexuality I asked the same question to myself too. It can be hard to define the line that falls between ace and aro but only time and experience can give you the answer.

 

The only way you can enter a relationship is by being honest about how you feel. Whether this consists of talking to your partner, or just to yourself is up to you. I think you'll just have to wait and see if the romantic feelings develop from somewhere. I think I'm something like lith or fray when it comes to romantic orientations.

Thanks for your comment!! I think I feel like I don’t have the time to let feelings grow, because that would be leading the other person on? There seems like there’s always so much pressure to be feeling things or to have an idea of where the relationship is going, I can’t see myself feeling free enough to let anything develop

[Gldlynch]

48 minutes ago, littlebilby said:

Thanks for your comment!! I think I feel like I don’t have the time to let feelings grow, because that would be leading the other person on? There seems like there’s always so much pressure to be feeling things or to have an idea of where the relationship is going, I can’t see myself feeling free enough to let anything develop

That's the sucky thing about aro/ace people being in relationship with non-aro/aco people, it's the lack of understanding which leads to rushing decisions which aren't always the ones that play in our favour. I guess every relationship is trial and error. For ace/aro people, the best relationships are the ones which we have with other aro/ace people but finding them is the mission.

 

You're right, it would be like leading the person on, but I guess many relationships take that ugly turn. It's common for people to fall in love and fall out of love, sometimes it just takes people longer to realise those true emotions. As difficult as it is, the healthiest way to make an aro-spectrum relationships work is simply by being honest about it. Explain to them about the concept of crushes and squishes, etc.

[Screwball52]

23 hours ago, littlebilby said:

Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it. so you don’t identify as aromantic at all now? 

No, I remembered all the crushes I had as a kid. Understanding sexuality as innate, to apply that same rule to romantic orientation, I was just running from who I was to prevent my reckless enthusiasm for romance getting me in trouble.

 

 

[Screwball52]

I don't mean to imply that sexuality as innate is science fact. Just meant to imply it was my understanding. I love to help people discover more about themselves and their asexuality, however I hate telling anybody what they think they are is wrong. This community of people is about accepting everyone and anyone and excitement about self exploration. We want to encourage people to explore themselves not discourage anyone by saying they are wrong.