Questioning and Confused. Help?

[tinkdst2]

Hello everyone,

 

I've recently started questioning if I am some form of greysexual, and I really just feel lost and confused and unsure if asexuality even fits what I experience. I'm hoping I can find some people who've experienced something similar, I guess just to confirm I'm not broken? So yeah, here's my story. Bear with me, it's kind of a complicated thing to explain.

 

I'm a 26yo woman (cis). Growing up I never really had any relationships and only made out once. But I was always interested in boys, and later on girls. I now identify as pansexual. I generally feel like anything going on in your pants is a bit gross/funny looking and has little bearing on how I feel about someone as a person. But I do feel sexual arousal, I masturbate and fantasize (with myself in the fantasy sometimes, which from what I understand is unusual for asexuals. It's usually the fantasy is separate from the person. correct? Although I never fantasize about people I know. always fictional.) And I would say that I have always desired a relationship and sex, although I am now beginning to question if that's just social conditioning or actually me.

 

I've had sex a total of 3 times now (all men). The first two were one time things. Guys I knew but wasn't really close with. And neither time was much to write home about. And at the time I thought it was just because it was random guys, not someone I cared about. I felt... not quite an out of body experience or a dissociative episode, but that's really the closest I can come to labeling how I felt during sex. It was kind of like I put on a fake personality. I acted as if I was into it, but on the inside I felt almost separate from the event, looking out and judging these men for being so into the act. I won't lie. And afterwards I got rid of them as quickly as was polite and went to shower immediately. I felt dirty, like I wanted to remove them and the act from me. But I assumed it would be different when I was with someone I loved and cared for.

 

So now, here I am 3 years after my last sexual interaction, in a relationship with one of my best friends. He's amazing, funny, smart, understanding. I love being with him. But I can tell that when he kisses me he's super into it. Almost like he gets lost in the passion. But I still go to that separate existence. When we just cuddle or hug, it's fine, just when the touching becomes sexual that I feel outside of myself. When we finally had sex, it was fine. My body responded to him. I got aroused and I think I had a small orgasm?? It wasn't bad sex by any means. And yet I felt disconnected from the event. I even felt a bit of disgust at how into it he was. He was having a transcendent experience, and I was just waiting for him to finish so we could watch a movie. And I'm starting to realize that while I enjoy the idea of sex, and I enjoy masturbating, I don't actually want/enjoy a physical relationship.

 

So I guess I'm wondering if I fit into the asexual spectrum somewhere, even if there isn't an official label for whatever I'm feeling? Or am I just a sexual who doesn't like sex? I don't want to say I don't want a physical relationship, because it's something I've thought about and wished for my entire life. But I don't know if it's me or society's conditioning that makes me believe that I want a sexual relationship.

 

Thoughts? Anyone got any insight? Can anyone relate?

[CasperJ]

Asexuality isn’t actually defined by want/dislike, the actual definition is to not feel any sexual attraction. So an asexual might enjoy it, but might not be actually attracted to the person. But a zedsexual person might feel attracted but not actually like it. I hope this helped

[Yeast]

We both have libidos and deal with them in the same way. I used to wonder if I could be asexual and auto sexual but from what I've read it appears I can, so you can be too. I'm just a spectator in my fantasies. Participating in this forum also seems to suggest there are more women than men who are asexual. Women seem to feel much more social pressure to conform to sexual relationships and this leads to confusion in asexuals. I've read many posts about sexual/asexual relationships where the asexual consents to sex because the relationship is more important than the fact sex is unpleasant. I've lived the way I have for many decades and was never concerned about the fact I had no interest in sex with other people. True, I'm male but I've read far more posts about dealing with confusion than not. I've offered the following advice many times but it bears repeating. Self knowledge begins by learning to listen to yourself. Everybody may be shouting in your ear but with practice one can learn to tune everything out so you can hear your own inner voice clearly. This is how I think I avoided all the uncertainty and confusion. It worked for me and it would be nice to know that it works for others too.