Sexual wife, with a suspected asexual Husband.

[vega57]

7 minutes ago, Zenzencat104 said:

“Success” tends to require that both partners are happy, for me personally, that would mean never having sex in my entire life (I would rather lose a limb than have sex), and being in a relationship with another asexual. A scenario where a relationship could work would be if both people are willing to have a compromise AND still be happy.

 

I haven't read many of the threads, so I'm not sure what they're about.  All I know about are the few threads I've read, and a few posts I've read from asexuals who have either been in mixed relationships for decades and are having a successful relationship, or, two asexuals who've been together for a long time.  

[James121]

1 minute ago, Zenzencat104 said:

denying the existence of such a phenomenon,

As you said, I didn’t deny it’s existence I stated it was extremely rare. I stand by that.

[vega57]

8 minutes ago, James121 said:

So you have ‘orgasm slots’. Miss the bus and it’s gone?

Think of it more like a sneeze.  I have no way of predicting when I'm going to sneeze because they come on suddenly.  I don't sneeze every day or every week or even every month.  But when I DO feel the urge to sneeze, it comes on quickly.  I mean, seconds later, it's over with.  

 

If I have the urge for a release, I can satisfy that urge through masturbation in less than 30 seconds (and that's WITHOUT any 'toys')  Once it's done, it's done.  

 

Much like a sneeze, a lot of asexuals masturbate to get rid of that itch.  The LAST thing they want to do is to prolong it.  

[Cobie]

2 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Think of it more like a sneeze.  I have no way of predicting when I'm going to sneeze because they come on suddenly.  I don't sneeze every day or every week or even every month.  But when I DO feel the urge to sneeze, it comes on quickly.  I mean, seconds later, it's over with.  

 

If I have the urge for a release, I can satisfy that urge through masturbation in less than 30 seconds (and that's WITHOUT any 'toys')  Once it's done, it's done.  

 

Much like a sneeze, a lot of asexuals masturbate to get rid of that itch.  The LAST thing they want to do is to prolong it.  

It’s exactly the same for me. 😊

[James121]

Except a sneeze is an involuntary expulsion of air and an orgasm is an induced reaction to sexual stimulation of ones genitals.

I can see what you guys are saying but.......

[vega57]

9 minutes ago, James121 said:

Except a sneeze is an involuntary expulsion of air and an orgasm is an induced reaction to sexual stimulation of ones genitals.

 

Getting 'horny' or feeling a 'tingling' in my genitals is NOT a reaction to anything.  I could be sitting down at the computer reading about...oak trees...and that physical feeling in my genitals is suddenly there.  POOF!  

 

The only time I would want an orgasm is if my genitals were already in that state of 'excitement'.  That 'urge' is what comes on quickly.  And when it happens, I just want it GONE as quickly as possible.  

 

The point is, that getting to that point comes out of nowhere, and comes on quickly.  I have no control on when, how, if, etc.  

 

 

Quote

I can see what you guys are saying but.......

LOL!  But what?  

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, James121 said:

So you have ‘orgasm slots’. Miss the bus and it’s gone?

I could probably still have one if I worked at it but the urge that would otherwise cause me to work at it ends up gone and hence forgotten.

[Helplessinlove]

@roland.o As hard as that was to hear, it does give me a greater insight into his views and relieves the pain from what felt like a slap in the face (masterbation vs sex with me)

 

Thank you

[James121]

I will simply never get this idea that one can masturbate and “it’s not sexual” idea. It’s utter rubbish to me.

A spontaneous desire to orgasm that has to be addressed immediately but is gone very quickly after the desire is there?  I mean come on. Why masturbate then? Why don’t you let the moment pass?

The desire to have an orgasm is the beginning of sexual arousal. That’s exactly what it is. Sexual arousal.

To masturbate to porn is on another level too. Now you have gone out of your way to watch sexually explicit material which has to make it a sexual act. You are having sex with yourself. There’s no other logical or reasonable explanation. That’s not a sneeze or like having a poo, that’s like becoming aroused and having sex with someone except that someone isn’t there in real life.

Why the analogy of sneezing and pooing? The closest analogy there is is when someone has a desire to have sex and does it. 

Thats why me and others have a problem with our refusing partners when they do it. Because they made a choice of solo sex over together.

No one has actually given any reasonable or logical explanation as to how this isn’t a sexual act. “It’s not sexual” simply doesn’t cut the mustard.

 

Masturbation involves sexual arousal, plateau, climax and resolution. Identical to sex. It’s the human sexual response cycle.

Masturbation is having sex on your own. Simple.

Theres no other logical explanation.

 

[Cobie]

On 19/04/2018 at 11:27 AM, James121 said:

... Masturbation is having sex on your own. Simple ...

 

True.

[Cobie]

@James121 possibly it might help to think about (the confusingly named) asexuality as a sexual orientation. Whereas the vector points to the same sex for hetero, and to the opposite sex for homosexuals; for asexuals the vector does not point anywhere.   

[Cobie]

.

[ryn2]

I think some of us use comparisons to sneezing and defecating because we see it as the same sort of thing - an annoying thing the body does that we want over with as soon as possible in order to go back to “normal life” without it.  We aren’t pleased to need to do it and often don’t really enjoy addressing it; we just feel better when it’s over and done with.

 

The most efficient, efficacious way to have it over and done with is to masturbate (with whatever assistive tools help the process along).

 

That’s not to say every ace gets no intrinsic pleasure from masturbating; I’d guess some do.  That doesn’t mean they get the same satisfaction from partnered sex, though.

 

If society and your wife would turn a blind eye on your having sex with men (and only considered having sex with other women cheating on your wife), James, would that solve your problem?  Or are you not interested in/unlikely to enjoy sex with men because it’s not within the scope of your orientation?

[iff]

10 hours ago, James121 said:

I will simply never get this idea that one can masturbate and “it’s not sexual” idea. It’s utter rubbish to me.

A spontaneous desire to orgasm that has to be addressed immediately but is gone very quickly after the desire is there?  I mean come on. Why masturbate then? Why don’t you let the moment pass?

some people may masturbate for health reasons, for example due to lack of it, the sperm may get trapped and cause severe pain for the person.

[James121]

1 hour ago, iff said:

some people may masturbate for health reasons, for example due to lack of it, the sperm may get trapped and cause severe pain for the person.

That’s not typically possible. What happens is a wet dream where the body ejaculates without any direct stimulation to the genitals. 

Females can also have a wet dream and orgasm with being touched.

[Username_2017]

I masturbate to get to sleep and what I think about or watch has nothing to do with sexual acts. I do consider myself sexual because I have and can desire partnered sex but on the whole I find sex draining and it leaves me feeling less connected to that person 

[Telecaster68]

Why do you desire something that leaves you feeling less connected? I'm assuming by desire, you mean you desire it for yourself, not purely for your partner's sake.

[ryn2]

3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why do you desire something that leaves you feeling less connected? I'm assuming by desire, you mean you desire it for yourself, not purely for your partner's sake.

I was wondering that as well because excepting the desire for partnered sex (intrinsically - I’ve desired it as evidence that a relationship is still doing okay, e.g.) my ace self could have written the same thing.

 

Although, come to think of it, I do desire time with my friends even though as an introvert parties, sporting events, and most time spent interacting with others drains me.  Maybe it’s like that?

[Username_2017]

8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why do you desire something that leaves you feeling less connected? I'm assuming by desire, you mean you desire it for yourself, not purely for your partner's sake.

No I desire it because I want 'to be' with them, and those times have been good (still not the best thing ever) but a lot more times have left me feeling awkward, violated and depressed

[Telecaster68]

But presumably you want to spend time with friends because it's connecting as well as being draining.

[Telecaster68]

1 minute ago, Username_2017 said:

No I desire it because I want 'to be' with them, and those times have been good (still not the best thing ever) but a lot more times have left me feeling awkward, violated and depressed

How about whether you'd feel bothered if you never had sex again, if your partner wasn't bothered either?

[ryn2]

5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

But presumably you want to spend time with friends because it's connecting as well as being draining.

Agreed.  It drains me but doesn’t leave me feeling less connected. I prioritize connecting with them, which I enjoy, over feeling less drained.

[Username_2017]

16 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why do you desire something that leaves you feeling less connected? I'm assuming by desire, you mean you desire it for yourself, not purely for your partner's sake.

Also If I was desiring it just for myself I would just masturbate. I don't know the answer to not being bothered about never having sex for the rest of my life. I find it difficult to know how I would feel when I'm not feeling something at that moment. For example when I am depressed and anxious I think I have been depressed and anxious all my life forgetting that there are times I have been really content vice versa. Right here right now sex doesn't bother me, it's draining to think that someone needs my body. When I am in the mood and do desire sex I forget that I have felt 'asexual'

[Telecaster68]

Are you an aspie by any chance, @Username_2017? I just ask because that's a really aspy thing you've described. I mean that just as an observation.

[Username_2017]

I don't think so...I do have mental health issues and am on Escitalopram

[Username_2017]

I have also found myself in some terribly degrading sexual situations and attract sexual predators like a magnet

[iff]

1 hour ago, James121 said:

That’s not typically possible.

maybe not typically but it is my own personal experience (and as diagnosed by a medical professional as the cause of it) that it is possible and has happened.

 

the lump i had found at the time i was having the pain was very scary.

 

i'd rather not delve deeper into this.

[James121]

51 minutes ago, Username_2017 said:

I masturbate to get to sleep and what I think about or watch has nothing to do with sexual acts. I do consider myself sexual because I have and can desire partnered sex but on the whole I find sex draining and it leaves me feeling less connected to that person 

The science of masturbation is this.....

You touch yourself and you get aroused, the arousal leads eventually to a plateau and then and orgasm. You may do this before you go to sleep, it may help you go to sleep (orgasms often do) because the final stage is a resolution. And this is where your body really relaxes.

What I don’t understand is how you come to believe that this is not sexual?

 

Now if you watch porn whilst you do this (sexually explicit videos), any suggestion that it isn’t sexual is quite frankly a joke.

[Username_2017]

Just now, James121 said:

The science of masturbation is this.....

You touch yourself and you get aroused, the arousal leads eventually to a plateau and then and orgasm. You may do this before you go to sleep, it may help you go to sleep (orgasms often do) because the final stage is a resolution. And this is where your body really relaxes.

What I don’t understand is how you come to believe that this is not sexual?

 

Now if you watch porn whilst you do this (sexually explicit videos), any suggestion that it isn’t sexual is quite frankly a joke.

I personally don't watch sexually explicit videos, I masturbate to something 'non-sexual'. 

[James121]

1 hour ago, iff said:

maybe not typically but it is my own personal experience

This conversation began because myself and another sexual person have taken exception to our partners (who turn us down and refuse to engage with us) have admitted to masturbating with porn.

I accept that you may have that personal experience with regards to masturbation but I don’t except that this is typical.