Sexual wife, with a suspected asexual Husband.

[ryn2]

32 minutes ago, James121 said:

Because that’s selfish. Save your appetite for when he is around. It’s called being a couple.

That only works when you’re hungry for the same thing, though.  Otherwise afterwards you’re pretty much just still hungry.

 

Note:  I’m not saying that a couple can’t/shouldn’t try to compromise around sex... just that, much as masturbating is not a substitute for partnered sex for some sexuals, partnered sex is not a substitute for masturbation for some asexuals.  It’s still a compromise.

[James121]

6 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Have you ever had your bowels stuffed full, but no occasion to go to the toilet? And when you finally had the occasion, and purged your bowels, didn't it feel good? I mean, really good? A relief that made you happy all around for some time? I'm sure you've experienced that.

So, would that make you want to share that good feeling with your partner? To have him there in the toilet while you take a dump? Holding your hand, stroking you gently, telling you encouraging words while you push, wiping your arse afterwards? Probably not.

Some people have that kind of kink, but many prefer to be alone and undisturbed when they dispose of their bodily waste. No matter how good it feels, or how much somebody else would like to be involved, it's just a private business for them.

I think we are all on to a loser if we are going to compare making love with taking a shit. Of course you don’t want someone there when you are taking a dump. It’s a poo 🤦‍♂️

 

8 minutes ago, roland.o said:

masturbation and partnered sex are two entirely different activities.

Yes but doing one affects the ability to do the other. I guarantee you this. Take someone who masturbates 2 times a week. Make them have sex 2 times a week. Assuming they orgasm, they won’t masturbate anymore . Once at best! It works the other way too. Hence why sexuals get humpty about being refused by people who jerk off.

 

 

[ryn2]

I’m not male but the vast majority of what @roland.o posted above (about masturbation) rings true for me as well.

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, James121 said:

I think we are all on to a loser if we are going to compare making love with taking a shit. Of course you don’t want someone there when you are taking a dump. It’s a poo 🤦‍♂️

 

Yes but doing one affects the ability to do the other. I guarantee you this. Take someone who masturbates 2 times a week. Make them have sex 2 times a week. Assuming they orgasm, they won’t masturbate anymore . Once at best! It works the other way too. Hence why sexuals get humpty about being refused by people who jerk off.

 

 

Re: dumps, that’s exactly how some aces feel about masturbation - something the body wants that’s most satisfying taken care of in private.

 

Re: frequency, that varies by person, at least for women.  I can’t speak for what it’s like to be a man, although I do have an ex who regularly had partnered sex and masturbated on the same day.  I’d guess it more relates to

libido/drive?

[vega57]

27 minutes ago, James121 said:

Because that’s selfish. Save your appetite for when he is around. It’s called being a couple.

No, it's not selfish.  My late husband tried to tell me the same thing, "Save your appetite for when I'm around". 

 

Our therapist set him straight.  

[Telecaster68]

5 minutes ago, James121 said:

but doing one affects the ability to do the other

Asexuals don't want to do the other.

[James121]

14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Asexuals don't want to do the other.

Not all so I am led to believe but I get what you are saying.

And if they want to masturbate but not have sex what does this mean?

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, James121 said:

Not all so I am led to believe but I get what you are saying.

And if they want to masturbate but not have sex what does this mean?

That they enjoy/are relieved by masturbation in ways they are not by sex?

[Telecaster68]

It means they're asexual. This is circular. It's like someone asking you not to masturbate expecting it to make you more likely to have sex with a man.

[James121]

15 minutes ago, vega57 said:

No, it's not selfish.  My late husband tried to tell me the same thing, "Save your appetite for when I'm around". 

 

Our therapist set him straight.  

How did your therapist set him straight. Our therapist agreed that you can masturbate to the demise of your sexual relationship.

If you orgasm frequently enough when your partner is not present, the ability or desire to do so when they are is damaged. The physiology makes a great deal of sense actually. 

[ryn2]

18 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Asexuals don't want to do the other.

There are plenty of reasons I might want to have sex but none of them will be “because it’s more enjoyable to me than masturbating.”

[James121]

2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

That they enjoy/are relieved by masturbation in ways they are not by sex?

And if not suited to partnered sex, not really suited to a partner-ship......relationship 

[vega57]

2 minutes ago, James121 said:

How did your therapist set him straight. Our therapist agreed that you can masturbate to the demise of your sexual relationship.

If you orgasm frequently enough when your partner is not present, the ability or desire to do so when they are is damaged. The physiology makes a great deal of sense actually. 

He explained to my late husband that getting the 'urge' for an orgasm isn't something you can always put off until a partner is around.  He then proceeded to use my late husband's use of pornography as an example, and asked my late husband why he would prefer to masturbate when his wife was right there.  My late husband said, "Well, sometimes my body wants an orgasm, but it wants it fast..."  

 

Bingo.  

[vega57]

3 minutes ago, James121 said:

And if not suited to partnered sex, not really suited to a partner-ship......relationship 

Again, not true.  As demonstrated on this forum, it's possible to have a partnership/relationship without partnered sex.  

 

And, some of those relationships are even BETTER than some relationships that sexuals have with other sexuals.  

[James121]

Just now, vega57 said:

Again, not true.  As demonstrated on this forum, it's possible to have a partnership/relationship without partnered sex.  

 

And, some of those relationships are even BETTER than some relationships that sexuals have with other sexuals.  

I’m not sure I’ve found an example of that yet vega! It’s all relationships that are in turmoil or people looking for answers.

[James121]

4 minutes ago, vega57 said:

He explained to my late husband that getting the 'urge' for an orgasm isn't something you can always put off until a partner is around.  He then proceeded to use my late husband's use of pornography as an example, and asked my late husband why he would prefer to masturbate when his wife was right there.  My late husband said, "Well, sometimes my body wants an orgasm, but it wants it fast..."  

 

Bingo.  

Again, never hear if that. Having to orgasm now and having an inability to wait. Allowing the itch to develop. 

Maybe if you are impatient!

[vega57]

3 minutes ago, James121 said:

I’m not sure I’ve found an example of that yet vega! It’s all relationships that are in turmoil or people looking for answers.

I think there's an asexual 'success' thread on AVEN somewhere...asexuals who are in relationships with other asexuals...?

 

An asexual couple will surely have their ups and downs.  But their ups and downs won't include sex--and everything associated with sex--as an issue.  

[James121]

Just now, vega57 said:

I think there's an asexual 'success' thread on AVEN somewhere...asexuals who are in relationships with other asexuals...?

 

An asexual couple will surely have their ups and downs.  But their ups and downs won't include sex--and everything associated with sex--as an issue.  

Ahhh, yes I can see that. Asexual with asexual. They are the same sexual orientation so success is far more likely.

[vega57]

4 minutes ago, James121 said:

Again, never hear if that. Having to orgasm now and having an inability to wait. Allowing the itch to develop. 

Maybe if you are impatient!

No, it's not about being "impatient".  

 

Heck, I've had the urge for an orgasm at 2 p.m., and by 2:10,  the urge is GONE.  And I didn't masturbate during that time.  The urge may not come back for days, weeks, or even MONTHS.  I have no way of predicting that.  The duration for my body wanting 'relief' is very short.  

 

 

[vega57]

4 minutes ago, James121 said:

Ahhh, yes I can see that. Asexual with asexual. They are the same sexual orientation so success is far more likely.

I also think there's a few 'success' threads with mixed-relationships.  I don't usually look into those threads, so I'm not sure where they are.

[James121]

3 minutes ago, vega57 said:

No, it's not about being "impatient".  

 

Heck, I've had the urge for an orgasm at 2 p.m., and by 2:10,  the urge is GONE.  And I didn't masturbate during that time.  The urge may not come back for days, weeks, or even MONTHS.  I have no way of predicting that.  The duration for my body wanting 'relief' is very short.  

 

 

That’s extremely extremely unusual. It works much like tiredness. You remain tired until you sleep.

[ryn2]

21 minutes ago, James121 said:

If you orgasm frequently enough when your partner is not present, the ability or desire to do so when they are is damaged. The physiology makes a great deal of sense actually. 

I’m not sure this works the same way for aces... if I have the urge/desire to masturbate and can’t/don’t because I can’t get time alone, it doesn’t increase my desire for partnered sex... it just increases my desire to get some time alone.

 

I think what tele said about how deprivation doesn’t increase your desire to have sex with men is a pretty accurate parallel.

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, James121 said:

That’s extremely extremely unusual. It works much like tiredness. You remain tired until you sleep.

Not for me.

[Yep, me]

1 minute ago, vega57 said:

I also think there's a few 'success' threads with mixed-relationships.  I don't usually look into those threads, so I'm not sure where they are.

“Success” tends to require that both partners are happy, for me personally, that would mean never having sex in my entire life (I would rather lose a limb than have sex), and being in a relationship with another asexual. A scenario where a relationship could work would be if both people are willing to have a compromise AND still be happy.

 

[Yep, me]

4 minutes ago, James121 said:

That’s extremely extremely unusual. It works much like tiredness. You remain tired until you sleep.

Perhaps, but nonetheless, it still happens, therefore act as it does.

[James121]

3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Not for me.

So you have ‘orgasm slots’. Miss the bus and it’s gone?

[James121]

1 minute ago, Zenzencat104 said:

therefore act as it does.

I don’t get this?

[Cobie]

54 minutes ago, vega57 said:

... Our therapist set him straight.  

IMHO

A therapist cannot set a person straight, no human has that power. None of us knows how life should be lived, we just all do our own thing to the best of our own knowledge and according to our own belief system.

 

Agreeing with the therapist is of no importance, they are not part of your life. The only one to find agreement with is your partner. A good therapist will help to remove the obstacles to agreement between the partners. A bad therapist will collude with one partner against the other partner.

 

It’s not about who’s right, but about the two partners finding a workable solution, something they both can live with (even if that would be a divorce). 

[Yep, me]

Just now, James121 said:

I don’t get this?

Therefore act as if it happens, because it does in this context, although you were not denying the existence of such a phenomenon, I decided to state my logic regarding the issue, whatever the case.

 

 

[Yep, me]

3 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

A therapist cannot set a person straight, no human has that power. None of us knows how life should be lived, we just all do our own thing to the best of our own knowledge and according to our own belief system.

 

Agreeing with the therapist is of no importance, they are not part of your life. The only one to find agreement with is your partner. A good therapist will help to remove the obstacles to agreement between the partners. A bad therapist will collude with one partner against the other partner.

 

It’s not about who’s right, but about the two partners finding a workable solution, something they both can live with (even if that would be a divorce). 

Completely agreed.