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Helplessinlove

Sexual wife, with a suspected asexual Husband.

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James121
3 minutes ago, vega57 said:

O.k.  Then find other ways to 'connect' besides through sex?  

 

I mean, what if you couldn't have sex anymore?  

 

I just read the other day about elderly couples who haven't had sex in decades, and yet are more deeply in love with each other than ever.  

With age they lose their sex drive. That’s all that is.

 

However,  find another way to connect.....

 

we do! But that often also leads to me wanting to have sex with my wife who I love. There....I said it. I used to be almost ashamed or feel guilty for that part like I could be accused of using her but I’ve lost that guilt now. 

I like going out for dinner with my wife, laughing together, drinking fine wine, catching a movie, driving home via the countryside and.....

 

when we get home in an ideal world we get naked and touch each other then have sex. It’s often demonised but it shouldn’t be!

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vega57
7 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

This, plus I bought society at the time’s line that “women don’t ever like squid; only men do”... so I didn’t realize my lukewarm impression of squid stood me apart from both my male and female peers.

It's hard to figure out what the truth is for both sexes.  After all, if sex defines a man as a 'man', would a man who didn't really care for sex want to be thought of as less than a 'man'?  They may HATE sex, but also may be loathe to admit it.  

 

Quote

Not blaming “society” - 

Oh, heck, I am, lol!  A new study comes out.  The headline reads, "New Study Reveals That Eating Squid May Lead To Cancer"!  Notice the word "may"?  But there will be a fair number of people who read that headline as if it DOES lead to Cancer (often without reading the article), and even come to believe it themselves.  

 

In all honesty, the more I read about sex, the more I realize how LITTLE we really know about it.  It's so complex and so many things about it are controversial, that we'll probably NEVER get it straight!  

 

Meanwhile, it's fun to debate with Tele, James, and a few others.  Who knows.  Maybe one day ONE of us will have a revelation about it that could change the way EVERYONE thinks about it!  

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vega57
8 minutes ago, James121 said:

I’m sorry it’s had to come to this for you! 

Crazy thing being, my understanding of 99% of people in yours/my situation is that we would never have expected what @vega57 husband was expecting/demanding. I’d give my left arm for once a week which I believe is achievable maybe even 3 times a month. 

I hate that some people end up having a large chunk of their life accounted for in this way when they could have pursued something very different if they had known.

Whoa, whoa, whoooooa.  You've mentioned before that it's a small---but important part of your life.  Now it's a LARGE chunk?  

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vega57
8 minutes ago, James121 said:

I like going out for dinner with my wife, laughing together, drinking fine wine, catching a movie, driving home via the countryside and.....

So, why isn't this scenario 'good enough' as it is?  

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James121
1 minute ago, vega57 said:

So, why isn't this scenario 'good enough' as it is?  

Hmm, it’s a good question vega. And I suppose you ask that because you don’t understand. Let’s break the scenario down.

 

me and my wife

out for dinner

fine wine

laugh together 

movie

drive home

sex (in an ideal world)

 

So this night is excellent for my wife too. She loves our date nights. But let’s remove sex for the purposes of this scenario but then.... let’s also take one really important part away that she can’t help loving!

 

Laugh together.

 

suddenly all we are doing is enjoying the wine (you can do that alone), dinner (you can eat alone), movie (yep alone again), drive home (and again) 

 

Sex isn’t just something I want to do so I can cum. It’s part of being together as a couple. It makes us uniquely different to anyone else I can do all of the above with. It’s important to me.

 

The scenario is great on its own. It’s amazing when we have sex together at the end because that is being in love and married for me.

 

My point is this....if something makes you feel great and is really important to you, and you are married, it should be important to your spouse too. 

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vega57
2 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

The scenario is great on its own. It’s amazing when we have sex together at the end because that is being in love and married for me.

So, why not simply go home at the end of the evening and cuddle?  I mean, out of the 7.5 billion people on the planet, she'd only be cuddling with YOU.  

 

Maybe she's like a lot of other women (including me) and sees sex as a reproductive activity, while cuddling...isn't.  What's the point in doing a reproductive activity if you have no intention of reproducing?  

 

Quote

My point is this....if something makes you feel great and is really important to you, and you are married, it should be important to your spouse too. 

I don't believe that for a moment.  I used to love bowling, but my partner didn't.  So, I went alone.  I didn't go with another man, I simply went by myself.  If I had to do that for the rest of my life, I could definitely have done it.  There were other things that we can share as a couple that we BOTH enjoy.  

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Helplessinlove

I also just found out, through asking him directly that he masterbates once a week. I dont understand how ge can do that but not with me.

 

I know some asexuals do and some dont.

 

This whole situation sux so bad.  I never would have signed on to 2yrs no sex. 

 

Janes121 bahaha once a week is a blimmin dream 😂

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Helplessinlove

Vega57 I think your asexualness does not allow you to understand how much we require a healthy sex life to have a healthy relationship.

 

A cuddle does not do it and in my husbands case, he is not a cuddler or kisser either. 

 

Sex for me is an expression of my love, passion, desire and trust in a person. Its as close as you can be to another person. The tought of never having that feeling again with someone who i love and apparently loves me just isnt a life i want.

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James121
1 minute ago, vega57 said:

So, why not simply go home at the end of the evening and cuddle?  I mean, out of the 7.5 billion people on the planet, she'd only be cuddling with YOU

A cuddle to you is probably like the sex to me. It’s the lovely bit where we get to be together in a way we wouldn’t be with anyone else at the end of the night. 

Dont get wrong vega, I’m not saying this has to happen or throw my toys out the pram but if the answer is no from now until forever, then I’m more unlikely to go along and ‘laugh together’. Because I feel rejected by her. She doesn’t want my touch nor to touch me. We lose the laughs, we lose the evening altogether. Then your in trouble as a couple because suddenly your passing through the ‘sexless marriage’ stage and entering the ‘sexless shithole marriage’ because you won’t even get along over time.

 

She may see sex as a reproductive activity. I don’t. I count too. If I don’t see the point in a cuddle I have to be some sort of real big dick not to cuddle her just because I don’t see the point.

 

7 minutes ago, vega57 said:

I don't believe that for a moment.  I used to love bowling, but my partner didn't.  So, I went alone.

Sex is synonymous with a relationship and a very reasonable expectation. Bowling isn’t. There’s a humongous difference between entering a relationship and expecting that you will have a loving and together sex life vs entering a relationship and expecting you will have a together bowling life.

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James121
12 minutes ago, Helplessinlove said:

I also just found out, through asking him directly that he masterbates once a week. I dont understand how ge can do that but not with me.

 

I know some asexuals do and some dont.

 

This whole situation sux so bad.  I never would have signed on to 2yrs no sex. 

 

Janes121 bahaha once a week is a blimmin dream 😂

Yep my wife jacks off around that amount too. Apparently I am supposed to believe it’s not sexual? Even though she offers no explanation. She also watches porn most of the time she jacks off but it’s still NOT sexual? Even though there is a conscious decision to watch a video of people having sex whilst she climaxes. Not sexual. I am definitely second choice!

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James121
10 minutes ago, Helplessinlove said:

Sex for me is an expression of my love, passion, desire and trust in a person. Its as close as you can be to another person. The tought of never having that feeling again with someone who i love and apparently loves me just isnt a life i want.

Oh yes! That was perfect!

Its my expression of love, passion, desire and trust in my wife. 

Perfect 👌 

 

And human nature dictates that we wish to be loved in the way we love.

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Traveler40
41 minutes ago, James121 said:

I hate that some people end up having a large chunk of their life accounted for in this way when they could have pursued something very different if they had known.

@Helplessinlove I’m sorry it’s so rapidly devolved in anger (I know exactly what and why and hold zero judgment). It’s totally understandable, and I agree with James121 wholeheartedly.  This goes back to my earlier post - you are so young with your life ahead of you.  If this is your best play knowing all that you do, embrace it and do it with a clear conscience.  Figure it out, be kind if for nothing else than the shared history and he’s the father of your child, and do not vacillate.  I did not have the gift you currently do and am stuck in a way.  I love my husband as a friend - dearly.  We are amazing partners and blah blah blah....it’s tough. I see it for what it is - ALL angles.  I stay as it’s the overall best option, but oh....so truly unfulfilling at its core.  

 

I think compromise can go a LONG way with a truly willing partner.  3 times a month?  Compared to once in 9 years now (with him) would be like winning the jackpot.

 

There are so many benefits to that connection for sexuals that are lost in translation.  A life without is reason enough to change your trajectory.  I wish you and your little one well.

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Helplessinlove
3 minutes ago, James121 said:

Yep my wife jacks off around that amount too. Apparently I am supposed to believe it’s not sexual? Even though she offers no explanation. She also watches porn most of the time she jacks off but it’s still NOT sexual? Even though there is a conscious decision to watch a video of people having sex whilst she climaxes. Not sexual. I am definitely second choice!

Hubby watches porn too! Wtf he says its a release not sexual...... ummmmm

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vega57
7 minutes ago, Helplessinlove said:

A cuddle does not do it and in my husbands case, he is not a cuddler or kisser either. 

 

A lot of people (asexuals especially) won't cuddle or have ANY physical touch because they:

 

1.  Don't want to lead their partner on with the belief that there's 'more to follow'...

2.  Fear that they may have to go through with something that they're simply not interested in doing...

 

Those aren't the only reasons, obviously.  In my own case, my late husband told me that he could get turned on just holding my hand.  At that point, I realized that I couldn't hug him, kiss him, hold his hands, cuddle,, snuggle, etc.  without him getting physically turned on and then blaming me when I wasn't interested in going any further.  

 

Perhaps your husband is the same way...?

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James121
Just now, Helplessinlove said:

Hubby watches porn too! Wtf he says its a release not sexual...... ummmmm

Why watch videos of people having sex then? I’ve never got to grips with this.

Again it boils down to morals. Would you, would I watch porn, jerk off and then when our lovely loyal spouse climbs in to bed and begins snuggling in 😉 have the gaul to say “not tonight sweetheart”. 

I just couldn’t do that and look someone in the eye. 

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vega57
3 minutes ago, Helplessinlove said:

Hubby watches porn too! Wtf he says its a release not sexual...... ummmmm

Yes, and...why is that so hard to believe?  Not EVERYTHING involving the genitals is "sexual".  

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Helplessinlove

Traveler40

 

I have told him im angry but have made sure to be as respectful while being honest as possible. I want to help him accept who he is and retain a friendship with the intent to co-parenting our little one.

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James121

@vega57 

 

What is a dealbreaker in a relationship?

 

Do you need cuddles?

Affection?

Spend time together?

 

What is your “I need this” in a relationship?

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James121
1 minute ago, vega57 said:

Yes, and...why is that so hard to believe?  Not EVERYTHING involving the genitals is "sexual".  

Not even if you are watching sex on a screen and masturbating until climax?

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Helplessinlove

Wow @vega57 thats absurd! 

 

A papsmear is non sexual, a catheter insertion is non sexual and personal hygeine to the gentals is nonsexual..... masterbation to porn, very much sexual! 

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James121
1 minute ago, Helplessinlove said:

Wow @vega57 thats absurd! 

 

A papsmear is non sexual, a catheter insertion is non sexual and personal hygeine to the gentals is nonsexual..... masterbation to porn, very much sexual! 

If not sexual....why the need to watch human beings having sex on a screen? 

Why not watch a cookery programme or the Super Bowl? 

Because it’s sexual. 100%

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James121
6 minutes ago, Helplessinlove said:

Wow @vega57 thats absurd! 

 

A papsmear is non sexual, a catheter insertion is non sexual and personal hygeine to the gentals is nonsexual..... masterbation to porn, very much sexual! 

Well guys, I’m going to turn in for the night, lay in my bed, shut my eyes and fall asleep until the morning.

but it’s got nothing to do with being tired or needing some rest 😂

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vega57
1 minute ago, James121 said:

@vega57 

 

What is a dealbreaker in a relationship?

 

Do you need cuddles?

Affection?

Spend time together?

 

What is your “I need this” in a relationship?

Again with the "needs" thing.  

 

First, I don't "need" a relationship.  If I ever DO have a relationship again, it will be because I WANT one; not "need" one.  

 

Dealbreakers for me involve ANY kind of abuse (spiritual, financial, sexual, emotional, etc.), not hurting my children, not (ab)using drugs and/or alcohol, no pornography.  Affection is nice when it happens, but I wouldn't force the issue.  As for spending time together, how MUCH time doing WHAT?  

 

I prefer being with someone who is more independent of me, not clingy.  My ex-husband was literally shocked when he timidly told me that he wanted to go golfing for a few hours on a Sunday.  Instead of drilling him with questions with this dejected look on my face, I asked him, "How many hours?"  He said sheepishly, "Umm...about 4...maybe 5..."  I said, "Is THAT ALL?  Can you make it more like 10 or 12?   He gave me the deer-caught-in-the-headlights-stare for a moment.  His first wife would have been livid if he wanted to spend time "away" from her for 4 or 5 hours.  Me, no so much.  He loved golfing and I knew it.  Who am I to stop him from doing that by being clingy and..."needy"?  

 

 

Quote

I do my thing and you do yours.  You are not in this world to live up to my expectations and I'm not in it to live up to yours.  You are you and I am I and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.  

This about sums it up for me.  

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James121
2 minutes ago, vega57 said:

I prefer being with someone who is more independent of me

 

2 minutes ago, vega57 said:

I said, "Is THAT ALL?  Can you make it more like 10 or 12?  

 

3 minutes ago, vega57 said:

I do my thing and you do yours.

With the greatest respect Vega, you aren’t after a relationship. You want companionship that fits around you and is purely geared towards preventing you getting lonely when and only when you want someone around.

Maybe your bad experience has created that!

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vega57
9 minutes ago, Helplessinlove said:

A papsmear is non sexual, a catheter insertion is non sexual and personal hygeine to the gentals is nonsexual..... masterbation to porn, very much sexual! 

Sexual, from what I understand, involves 2 people; not just one.  Masturbation is a solo act.  Party of ONE.  

 

Climaxing to porn doesn't mean it's 'sexual'.  It's JUST a release, much like a sneeze.  You want to get it done so the physical feeling goes away.  Hardly "sexy".  

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vega57
6 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

 

With the greatest respect Vega, you aren’t after a relationship. You want companionship that fits around you and is purely geared towards preventing you getting lonely when and only when you want someone around.

Maybe your bad experience has created that!

I'm not after a relationship.  I'm not even after companionship, because as I've explained on another post, I really don't get lonely.  I never did.  

 

I've never sought out a relationship.  If I was in a relationship, it was something that sort of happened naturally for me.  Have I made sacrifices for my partner?  Yes.  Too many.  I've been called a 'doormat' by a few partners.  

 

Not going to happen again.  

 

I can enjoy companionship, but I also enjoy my 'down' time.  

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uhtred
3 hours ago, vega57 said:

A lot of people (asexuals especially) won't cuddle or have ANY physical touch because they:

 

1.  Don't want to lead their partner on with the belief that there's 'more to follow'...

2.  Fear that they may have to go through with something that they're simply not interested in doing...

 

Those aren't the only reasons, obviously.  In my own case, my late husband told me that he could get turned on just holding my hand.  At that point, I realized that I couldn't hug him, kiss him, hold his hands, cuddle,, snuggle, etc.  without him getting physically turned on and then blaming me when I wasn't interested in going any further.  

 

Perhaps your husband is the same way...?

For me, cuddles, touches etc lead to arousal if (as is usual), I'm not getting  enough sex.  On the rare occasions where sex is regular, then cuddling is great. Its just that when I'm sex starved, its just a frustration / tease - getting me interested / aroused, but then not continuing. 

 

Imagine being very hungry and walking by shops with the delicious smell of baking bread. Its not fun if you can't actually eat.  (yes, you have one of those sticky energy bars in your pocket so you won't stave, but eating that while smelling delicious food isn't a good experience)

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James121
7 hours ago, vega57 said:

Sexual, from what I understand, involves 2 people;

Very very incorrect.

 

7 hours ago, vega57 said:

It's JUST a release, much like a sneeze.

Do you need to watch a video of people with a cold to assist inducing a sneeze?

 

7 hours ago, vega57 said:

You want to get it done

This is the key. Often they want to get it done without the complexity or concern of another person. 

Why worry about whether your partner is having a good time, why spend the extra time pleasuring someone else when you can just please yourself.

Why worry about anything other than yourself.

Its the very definition of being obscenely selfish and extremely lazy.

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ryn2
9 hours ago, James121 said:

If not sexual....why the need to watch human beings having sex on a screen? 

Why not watch a cookery programme or the Super Bowl? 

Because it’s sexual. 100%

Plenty of aces masturbate, with or without porn, toys, etc.  Ace doesn’t always mean “has no libido/sex drive.”

 

The difference is that, for the ace, solo sex is far preferable to partnered sex.  Based on what the sexuals say, it’s probably the inverse of how sexuals feel about it.

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ryn2
6 hours ago, uhtred said:

Imagine being very hungry and walking by shops with the delicious smell of baking bread. Its not fun if you can't actually eat.  (yes, you have one of those sticky energy bars in your pocket so you won't stave, but eating that while smelling delicious food isn't a good experience)

I know this isn’t what you were talking about here but it’s a perfect illustration of what I just said about masturbation.

 

For some aces who masturbate, it’s just a bodily function like needing to go to the bathroom.  Even for those who enjoy it, though, it’s the wonderful fresh bread and partnered sex is the sticky energy bar.

 

So, yes, the reverse of how some sexuals see it.

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