Jump to content
Helplessinlove

Sexual wife, with a suspected asexual Husband.

Recommended Posts

James121
4 hours ago, vega57 said:

Of all of the posts and articles written about communication, WHY would you do this to yourself AND to her for as long as you did?  

Because being pushy with regards to sex is considered unacceptable and this was immediately proven the second I pushed for more (without being aggressive or unreasonable or anything else negative).

 

4 hours ago, vega57 said:

This is no different from having sex with someone for years because they're 'willing', believing that they WANT to because they "never complain".  She thinks you're fine with NO sex (because you don't complain) and YOU think *she's* fine with sex because *she* never complains...

It’s very very different. For about 2 years I would initiate sex maybe as little as 3 times and maybe as much as 5 times a month and get knocked back and rejected and so on. Excuse after excuse. She knew full well I wanted more sex with her. No doubt about it. The equivalent of this (but opposite) would be if we were having sex 5-6 times a month and every time we started to have sex she said to “I would rather not do this, can we not do this please” but I ignored her wishes and talked her in to doing it.

4 hours ago, vega57 said:

The key is that you complained after years.  Although you may have believed that you were being altruistic during that time, it backfired.

Someone’s patience and understanding she never backfire. She knew I wanted more make no mistake. This was just the day I said those words.

4 hours ago, vega57 said:

Not necessarily...

I bet you will find a consistent theme among sexual people who have been through this and I bet my statement/prediction is more accurate then you could ever believe.

4 hours ago, vega57 said:

If  your wife never complained about your breath, would you think that ANYTHING is wrong?  

 

Communication isn't about just telling someone how you feel.  It's about telling them how you were scared to tell them..and WHY...and acknowledging that the way you handled things may not have been the BEST way to handle the situation, and taking responsibility for your own ignorance in knowing how to communicate.  

 

Seems like there was more of a lack of a communication in your situation.  

If my wife brought me my toothbrush and the toothpaste multiple times each month and said can we brush our teeth tonight sweetheart? And if I repeatedly said “not tonight sweetheart”, I’d have to be a little dumb not to consider the possibility that she thinks we need to clean our teeth (given that she keeps *initiating*).

As for you final comment, communication is definitely the key. I can’t sit here and say I did things 100% correctly but I can tell you that I tried to do everything with compassion, love and consideration for her feelings and wishes. My mistake has been to be too considerate and patient and compassionate.

My situation is actually very common. Low libido spouse always without fail, reduces sex to whatever they so wish. It happens the world over and is probably the most common reason affairs happen. I’ve never understood it.

Honestly speaking, If my wife had initiated sex with me multiples times per month and I rejected her and turned her away nearly all the time (with the exception of the rare occasion when I fancy sex l) and if she ended up having an affair, I wouldn’t sit there and say “oh gosh, I never saw that one coming”.

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

You're seriously saying that would be the difference between someone wanting to have sex or not?

It depends on what you mean by “wanting.”  My situation was a bit similar to the OPs, in that my (sexual) husband has depression and significant ED and he tried doctors, pills, changing meds, counseling, etc.  His doctor told him it would improve after a vasectomy because the fear of pregnancy would evaporate (we didn’t want kids), but it didn’t.  We fought over and he kicked a porn addiction.  That didn’t help either.  So, when he stopped initiating, I (mistakenly) thought he had given up trying to have sex and had come to terms with whatever was going on with him.

 

Had he continued to initiate, or had we talked about what actually caused him to stop, we absolutely would have continued having sex.  For him, I would have wanted to continue.

 

I wouldn’t have “wanted-wanted” sex (intrinsically desired it) any more than ever, though, so if that’s what you mean I agree with you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

Welcome Helplessinlove, I’m so glad you found this forum and relatively quickly.  You’re young and have options even if it doesn’t feel like it at first or 15th blush.  I’m older (45) and spent almost 15 years struggling before getting to where you are today - understanding exactly what the issue is.  It’s a terrible set of options before you, but one of the strong ties that binds us is the longevity factor and history created in time.  If I could turn back time, essentially be where you are, I think decisions may be cleaner. It likely doesn’t feel that way to you, but trust me when I say it will only get harder - never easier.  I mean this with regard to deciding to leave, dealing with your sexuality and other practicalities in life.  You’re so young - think of the decades before you. How do you see your life?  Structure your decisions around that vision.  

 

On a separate note: @uhtred, I owe you an apology.  I misunderstood something you said in another post some weeks ago.  Your comments here switched it up for me, and I think I understand your angle.  It’s what helped you reduce desire for your partner vs reducing your own drive....got it now! (Maybe develop a nice porn addiction - its not going to interfere with your non-existent sex life.)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
4 hours ago, James121 said:

If my wife brought me my toothbrush and the toothpaste multiple times each month and said can we brush our teeth tonight sweetheart? And if I repeatedly said “not tonight sweetheart”, I’d have to be a little dumb not to consider the possibility that she thinks we need to clean our teeth (given that she keeps *initiating*).

No.  I would think that she WANTS us to brush our teeth together, not that 'we' *need* to.  Also, if she mentioned this multiple times each month, I would start to think that she might be obsessed with tooth cleaning...

 

Quote

Low libido spouse always without fail, reduces sex to whatever they so wish. 

You've read this forum long enough to know that how high or low someone's libido is, is NOT an indicator of how often they would want sex.  Desire is highly personal. It's like a desire for anything else.  

 

Quote

Honestly speaking, If my wife had initiated sex with me multiples times per month and I rejected her and turned her away nearly all the time (with the exception of the rare occasion when I fancy sex l) and if she ended up having an affair, I wouldn’t sit there and say “oh gosh, I never saw that one coming”.

I would.  Cheating is about someone's character.  There are plenty of people who don't have sex with their spouse and do the right thing by getting divorced.  Then there are others who cheat and get caught and subsequently, get divorced.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Nobody's saying it's the right thing, just that it doesn't take much to see a correlation between having a spouse who never wants to have a sex and infidelity. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Zenzencat104
8 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

So it's going to essentially change someone's sexual orientation?

no.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
29 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Nobody's saying it's the right thing, just that it doesn't take much to see a correlation between having a spouse who never wants to have a sex and infidelity. 

Actually, yeah.  It does.  Sorry, but I don't see the correlation.  One has nothing to do with the other.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

You're possibly the only person in the world who doesn't, in that case. 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
2 hours ago, vega57 said:

No.  I would think that she WANTS us to brush our teeth together, not that 'we' *need* to.  Also, if she mentioned this multiple times each month, I would start to think that she might be obsessed with tooth cleaning...

Here’s another play on words with regards to what we *want* vs what we *need*. 

 

Your analogy was to use someone with bad breath and I answered it with a reasonable/rationale reply. This makes me obsessed? 

 

In another answer Vega you told me my situation was my fault through a lack of communication. Then when I say about initiating sex or initiating teeth brushing you make assertions that it is obsessive. Another classic controller who uses munipulation to steer things the way they want it. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skullery Maid
3 hours ago, vega57 said:

No.  I would think that she WANTS us to brush our teeth together, not that 'we' *need* to.  Also, if she mentioned this multiple times each month, I would start to think that she might be obsessed with tooth cleaning...

 

Ok first of all. What's the difference here between want and need? Seems identical. If you know that it's important to your partner that you do this thing together, but you repeatedly refuse regardless, and while refusing, you also fail to communicate to them "hey, I know it's really important to you to brush our teeth together, but I can't for these reasons", aren't you the one being the a**hole? Seems like behavior that borders on gaslighting... You're well aware of the importance of the shared activity, but you both refuse participation AND pretend you have no idea it's even happening?? 

 

How can you justify that as loving behavior? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
NapoliGirl
16 hours ago, Helplessinlove said:

Telecaster

 

I feel it would be easier on me if he was gay. The wider community would be far more accepting of a marrige break up if he was gay. Asexual is not commonly known about and hard to disclose to people.

This is exactly how I feel.  How do I tell my kids when the time comes?  What do I tell my other family members?  I keep thinking that the "it's only sex" thing would be larger than life in everyone's opinions.  But if my husband were gay, there most definitely would be acceptance, understanding and endorsement of a divorce.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
6 minutes ago, NapoliGirl said:

This is exactly how I feel.  How do I tell my kids when the time comes?  What do I tell my other family members?

I’m just going to tell people “we had some differences we just couldn’t work out” and let them think what they may, but I’m fortunate in this particular instance that I have no children and my parents have long since passed away.  The only family is on my husband’s side, so it will be up to him to figure out what to share.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
NapoliGirl
28 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’m just going to tell people “we had some differences we just couldn’t work out” and let them think what they may, but I’m fortunate in this particular instance that I have no children and my parents have long since passed away.  The only family is on my husband’s side, so it will be up to him to figure out what to share.

Yes, put the ball in his court, so to speak!

You've given me a great idea.  Maybe I should let my husband do the same when the time comes.  Thanks.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MrDane
On 14/4/2018 at 6:43 AM, Helplessinlove said:

Thats exactly it, if I dont say anything he is happy as to him life is perfect. As soon as I raise the issue he gets defensive and acts as though im a sex obsessed monster. I have waited for over 2yrs!

 

I can't win this and im no longer under the impression I can.

@Helplessinlove You want sex and that is surely okay. To you it is probably a mix of intimacy, expression of love, belonging together and fun. To some (like me) it is a way to keep stress down and be able to diminish a lurking depression. I would call this a need, though I could live on without it. You are running low on batteries. I would never accept cheating, but at some point it will be okay to say “look, I need sex because (all of the above). I will try and get it, as it is an important part of my life. If you do not wish to participate, then I will seek it elsewhere.” This is opening the marriage. Cheating is only, if it is done in secresy. Big, and important issue.

 

I understand the analogy with “easier if he was gay”. It is somehow accepted widely, that if he has a sexual drive towards having sex with other men, then a break-up is normal. Just a side effect to his sexuality being uncomparable to yours. It will even be understood as a bit odd if he chose to stay. It will be anticipated that both of you would go to find a new life partner, but hopefully stay friends. 

 

Now there is a similar situation where his sexuality isnt aimed at you. It isnt aimed at anyone. In both cases you are not the target and feel missed.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Helplessinlove

Ok so everything came to a stand off last night. I went off to training as i do once a week. Its the only "my" time i get between work, our daughter and normal hone duties. He accused me of saying one thing and doing another. Implying i was taking time away from what should be spent on building our connection. I snapped. He still has not booked an appointment yo talk to anyone, still hasnt visited this sight stating its a load of shit and has made no real effort to seek any sort of insight. 

I told him i have love for him but am no longer in love with him and if my counciling cant help me get my head back in this marriage there wont be one.

 

So today he tells me he is going to make an appointment. But im furious! 

 

If i meant anything to him how or why would he wait till its too late. Why would he wait till im a broken shell of who i was. That's not fair!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nidwin

Get out of that craphole Helplessinlove and don't look back. He isn't doing any effort, clearly, so you dump that jerk (sorry) and be done with it.

 

As for your daughter, just in case you're worried for her. She'll be perfectly fine and is still years away from being able to form long term (lasting) memories.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
11 hours ago, Helplessinlove said:

Ok so everything came to a stand off last night. I went off to training as i do once a week. Its the only "my" time i get between work, our daughter and normal hone duties. He accused me of saying one thing and doing another. Implying i was taking time away from what should be spent on building our connection. I snapped. He still has not booked an appointment yo talk to anyone, still hasnt visited this sight stating its a load of shit and has made no real effort to seek any sort of insight. 

I told him i have love for him but am no longer in love with him and if my counciling cant help me get my head back in this marriage there wont be one.

 

So today he tells me he is going to make an appointment. But im furious! 

 

If i meant anything to him how or why would he wait till its too late. Why would he wait till im a broken shell of who i was. That's not fair!

No effort has been made because the route cause of your marital issues are sex (or lack there of).

He is very content with no or next to no sex and therefore has no drive to change things.

He can not see beyond this very selfish attitude.

Society tells us that our body is our own and no one gets to have sex with us unless we want to (I agree in principle).

BUT people take this quite literally and even when they are married they reduce sex to whatever suits their needs/desire without any consideration for their spouses needs/desire.

I don’t want more sex than this, I’ve been taught that my body is my own, I’ll just say no. 

 

Its such a massive massive inaccuracy to suggest that someone can’t deviate from their natural libido at all.

People can increase (within reason) just as people can decrease (within reason).

The only real acception to this is asexuality as he may hate or be repulsed by sex.

 

Has he confirmed that he is asexual?

 

 

 

  

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
2 hours ago, James121 said:

No effort has been made because the route cause of your marital issues are sex (or lack there of).

Quote

 

He is very content with no or next to no sex and therefore has no drive to change things.

He can not see beyond this very selfish attitude.

Society tells us that our body is our own and no one gets to have sex with us unless we want to (I agree in principle).

BUT people take this quite literally and even when they are married they reduce sex to whatever suits their needs/desire without any consideration for their spouses needs/desire.

I don’t want more sex than this, I’ve been taught that my body is my own, I’ll just say no. 

 

You can't have it both ways.  You can't say that you agree that "no one gets to have sex with us unless they want to" and then when they don't want to, refer to them as 'selfish'.  That's bogus.  

 

 

Quote

 

Its such a massive massive inaccuracy to suggest that someone can’t deviate from their natural libido at all.

People can increase (within reason) just as people can decrease (within reason).

 

James, you've been on AVEN long enough to know that libido has little to do with desire.  

 

I don't like squid.  Even if I was given something to increase my appetite, I STILL wouldn't like squid.  

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
45 minutes ago, vega57 said:

James, you've been on AVEN long enough to know that libido has little to do with desire.

Libido is desire for sex. It’s just not the desire for a particular person.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
47 minutes ago, vega57 said:

I don't like squid.  Even if I was given something to increase my appetite, I STILL wouldn't like squid.  

Most of my recent comments have been based on relationships in general not necessarily asexuals.

However seeing as you’ve brought it round that way (we are on aven so fair play), why do so many people eat squid at the start of the relationship then? Keep eating until the wedding, the kids and then bang. No more squid, I never did like that.

Confusing!

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
3 hours ago, James121 said:

"...why do so many people eat squid at the start of the relationship then? 

Because it's expected of them by society and their squid-loving partner.   You seem to keep missing or ignoring the parts where poster after poster has said MULTIPLE times, that the reason they had sex was because it was expected of them.

 

People are not given enough information--or enough choices--ahead of time before having sex.  We're not told that we don't HAVE to engage in it, if we don't want to.  Having sex is not mandatory (for instance, your testicles won't suddenly jump into your throat if you never had sex); it's optional, even if you're in a relationship!    

Quote

 

Keep eating until the wedding, the kids and then bang. No more squid, I never did like that.

Confusing!

 

Unless you have a sizable bank account and can afford to have IVF, sex is still the cheapest way to have children.  Children change a LOT.  May not change for a lot of men because they're not generally the primary caregiver of an infant, nor is pregnancy doing their body 'in'.  Raising a child(ren) is a huge responsibility.  

 

Maybe deep down inside, after a woman has a baby, she sees (on an unconscious level) that sex isn't about fun and games or even romance.  That it actually DOES something:  It can produce life from nothing.  Perhaps she saw sex with you at first as fun and games, but once married, believed that now it's time to 'get serious'.  

 

Just sayin'...

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
15 minutes ago, vega57 said:

You seem to keep missing or ignoring the parts where poster after poster has said MULTIPLE times, that the reason they had sex was because it was expected of them.

Because it’s ridiculous to me that I’m standing at the end of the aisle in front of my friends and family saying I want to eat squid for the rest of my life with this person. I hate squid. I would never ever have agreed....ever. Ever. Ever.

 

17 minutes ago, vega57 said:

nless you have a sizable bank account and can afford to have IVF, sex is still the cheapest way to have children.

Oops, dropped a clanger there vega. To save money we can now eat the squid we detest so much? I’ve never heard such a load of rubbish in all my days!

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
1 minute ago, James121 said:

Because it’s ridiculous to me that I’m standing at the end of the aisle in front of my friends and family saying I want to eat squid for the rest of my life with this person. I hate squid. I would never ever have agreed....ever. Ever. Ever.

You're making the assumption that the people who announce into the marriage that they've ALWAYS known they didn't like squid, but married anyway.  

 

But just like eating squid, if I knew that my partner would want to eat squid several times a week for the rest of our lives, I also, never ever would have agreed...ever.  Ever. Ever.  

 

Quote

Oops, dropped a clanger there vega. To save money we can now eat the squid we detest so much? I’ve never heard such a load of rubbish in all my days!

At the time, it may not be "detested", but tolerated...until you realize that your partner expects you to eat it as often as s/he wants to eat it.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
2 minutes ago, vega57 said:

But just like eating squid, if I knew that my partner would want to eat squid several times a week for the rest of our lives, I also, never ever would have agreed...ever.  Ever. Ever.

Vega, for a second there I genuinely developed some sympathy for you if he expected it several times a week. That’s unfair! Genuinely!

Lets go back to locking horns though....

before you tried the squid, did you not think....hmmm, I really don’t like the look of this squid! Perhaps I should tell him that I don’t think I’ll be up for any squid eating when we get married?

 

5 minutes ago, vega57 said:

At the time, it may not be "detested", but tolerated........

..........whilst it suits ones motivations.

 

However vega, I don’t believe anyone should expect to have sex as and when (multiple times a week). That’s very very old fashioned and unfair. 

To a sexual the equivalent is....not having sex for weeks and weeks and weeks or months! 

 

Here is the inbalance. In your position the thing you can always fall back is......NO! I don’t want to today.

 

What does a sexual have to fall back on? Drum roll, this is why affairs happen!

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
9 minutes ago, James121 said:

Vega, for a second there I genuinely developed some sympathy for you if he expected it several times a week. That’s unfair! Genuinely!

Lets go back to locking horns though....

before you tried the squid, did you not think....hmmm, I really don’t like the look of this squid! Perhaps I should tell him that I don’t think I’ll be up for any squid eating when we get married?

No, because I was told that if I was to get married, I'd be expected to eat squid.  My opinion of what it looked like, how it felt, how it smelled, how it tasted didn't even enter the picture.  I wasn't completely adverse to eating squid, and in all honesty,, I might have even enjoyed it...once in a blue moon (and you KNOW how often a blue moon happens!)  But alas...I ended up eating too much squid (that I didn't want to have), and I got to the point of suffering from "Squid Burn-Out".

 

It took decades for me to figure out that I never really liked squid in the first place.   


 

Quote

 

However vega, I don’t believe anyone should expect to have sex as and when (multiple times a week). That’s very very old fashioned and unfair. 

To a sexual the equivalent is....not having sex for weeks and weeks and weeks or months! 


 

I got to the point where the mere thought of having sex with him sickened me, and thinking about having sex again in my life ever in order to keep a relationship, also sickened me.  

 

Quote

Here is the inbalance. In your position the thing you can always fall back is......NO! I don’t want to today.

Here's the thing:  Sexuals have that same option to say 'NO!  I don't want to do it today!  They may not even want to do it for several weeks, or even months.  (maybe we should just agree that every few years we all get a 'sexual sabbatical' for a while!)

 

Quote

What does a sexual have to fall back on? 

Masturbation.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
9 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Masturbation

Not a viable option indefinitely I’m afraid. Masturbation involves no connection which is a big part of what the desire is.

If I was simply after an ejaculation, I could achieve that several times a day on my own.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Helplessinlove

James121 

Im with you all the way. As much as it would be unfair of me to expect sex multiple times in a week, its even worse to fake the desire for sex when it suits and until you have what you want ie children and marriage.

 

That to me is cheating and entrapment. So unfair.

 

So i told my husband im moving out and i want to seperate. He cried and promised to change. Has now made a dr's appointment but refuses to acknowledge the fact that he could be asexual. 

 

I am so angry that he waits till im at this point to make any effort and feels like another manipulation to get me to stay.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
14 minutes ago, vega57 said:

No, because I was told that if I was to get married, I'd be expected to eat squid.  My opinion of what it looked like, how it felt, how it smelled, how it tasted didn't even enter the picture.  I wasn't completely adverse to eating squid, and in all honesty,, I might have even enjoyed it...once in a blue moon (and you KNOW how often a blue moon happens!)  But alas...I ended up eating too much squid (that I didn't want to have), and I got to the point of suffering from "Squid Burn-Out".

 

It took decades for me to figure out that I never really liked squid in the first place.   

This, plus I bought society at the time’s line that “women don’t ever like squid; only men do”... so I didn’t realize my lukewarm impression of squid stood me apart from both my male and female peers.

 

Not blaming “society” - had I had more female friends back then I might have learned at least part of the truth a lot sooner.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
8 minutes ago, James121 said:

Not a viable option indefinitely I’m afraid. Masturbation involves no connection which is a big part of what the desire is.

If I was simply after an ejaculation, I could achieve that several times a day on my own.

O.k.  Then find other ways to 'connect' besides through sex?  

 

I mean, what if you couldn't have sex anymore?  

 

I just read the other day about elderly couples who haven't had sex in decades, and yet are more deeply in love with each other than ever.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
3 minutes ago, Helplessinlove said:

James121 

Im with you all the way. As much as it would be unfair of me to expect sex multiple times in a week, its even worse to fake the desire for sex when it suits and until you have what you want ie children and marriage.

 

That to me is cheating and entrapment. So unfair.

 

So i told my husband im moving out and i want to seperate. He cried and promised to change. Has now made a dr's appointment but refuses to acknowledge the fact that he could be asexual. 

 

I am so angry that he waits till im at this point to make any effort and feels like another manipulation to get me to stay.

I’m sorry it’s had to come to this for you! 

Crazy thing being, my understanding of 99% of people in yours/my situation is that we would never have expected what @vega57 husband was expecting/demanding. I’d give my left arm for once a week which I believe is achievable maybe even 3 times a month. 

I hate that some people end up having a large chunk of their life accounted for in this way when they could have pursued something very different if they had known.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...