Helplessinlove

Sexual wife, with a suspected asexual Husband.

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James121
1 minute ago, Username_2017 said:

I personally don't watch sexually explicit videos, I masturbate to something 'non-sexual'. 

If you don’t mind me asking, what do you masturbate to that is non sexual?

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Username_2017
1 minute ago, James121 said:

This conversation began because myself and another sexual person have taken exception to our partners (who turn us down and refuse to engage with us) have admitted masturbating to porn.

I accept that you may have that personal experience with regards to masturbation but I don’t except that this is typical.

I don't understand this either coming from someone who is not particularly sexual. If you are watching something sexual that leads to orgasm, I would assume that you would find sex with your partner satisfying too. I really don't know, I am not the person to answer really as I don't masturbate to thoughts or videos of sex

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Username_2017
4 minutes ago, James121 said:

If you don’t mind me asking, what do you masturbate to that is non sexual?

I PM'd you

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ryn2
57 minutes ago, Username_2017 said:

I don't understand this either coming from someone who is not particularly sexual. If you are watching something sexual that leads to orgasm, I would assume that you would find sex with your partner satisfying too. I really don't know, I am not the person to answer really as I don't masturbate to thoughts or videos of sex

It’s not that sex with a partner can’t lead to orgasm (although it may not, because for an ace there’s a lot more distraction going on... especially when the partner is very interested in *how it is for you*); it’s that it’s a much more complicated, roundabout, potentially frustrating way to get there.

 

To circle back to food, you’re trying to concentrate on an important work task but your stomach is growling.  Being hungry is unpleasant - a nuisance - and you know eating something will solve the issue and let you regain your focus.  You want to get back on task stat so a grab-and-go snack you can shove in your face is what you’re really seeking.

 

Instead, your partner wants to help.  They want to prepare something for you - something that’s not quick and easy to eat -and then feed it to you, dainty bite by dainty bite.  They accidentally dribble some down your chin and you have to go wash up.  The whole process takes an hour, when you could have been un-hungry on your own in two minutes.

 

Your partner was doubtless well-intentioned, but instead of feeling grateful and connected you’re annoyed because their help didn’t address your goal (getting rid lf hunger fast so you could get the eff back your task already).  Meanwhile they’re sad because they were trying to be nice and yet you’re somehow less happy.

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Helplessinlove

I feel like this thread has taken on a whole lot more than I bargained for lol

 

James121 I really am trying to understand him but cant help but be furious that he chooses to go it alone to other females having sex. Mean while as a 32yr old extremely sexual woman i put my needs aside for over a year. Its just selfish.

 

I no longer care about the differentiation between masterbating for release or sexual release. He does it because he finds a need or want for it. Yet i am left without my needs meet all because he doesnt see fit to help as a husband to fulfil them.

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James121
8 hours ago, Helplessinlove said:

I feel like this thread has taken on a whole lot more than I bargained for lol

 

James121 I really am trying to understand him but cant help but be furious that he chooses to go it alone to other females having sex. Mean while as a 32yr old extremely sexual woman i put my needs aside for over a year. Its just selfish.

 

I no longer care about the differentiation between masterbating for release or sexual release. He does it because he finds a need or want for it. Yet i am left without my needs meet all because he doesnt see fit to help as a husband to fulfil them.

Yes this thread took a little turn but sometimes they do. I think it can be very good though.

I totally understand your anger and frustration. I really don’t care what anyone says. Masturbation is sexual. You take your body through the sexual response cycle.

 

arousal - plateau - orgasm - resolution 

 

This isn’t up for debate this is fact. When you bring porn in to the mix, you bring sexual fantasy in to the equation. 

This can lead to someone being selfish enough to and/or lazy enough to choose sex on their own over partnered sex. This is not just an asexual thing. In your case I would guess that your husband is asexual because of the amount he has actually had sex with you.

 

And yes, it does get to the point where you don’t care about the definition or differences between jerking off and sex, you just resent it.

I put it in the same category as cheating. Both involve choosing something or someone over your spouse to have sex with but solo sex is never deemed to be cheating. Cheating involves another person right? I don’t agree actually!

 

I’m not saying that you can’t jerk off in a relationship. Certainly not. It can be a very positive thing as you discover things about yourself that you can bring to the bedroom and make sex more rounded and enjoyable. However, if it gets to a point where it is more frequent than you have sex with your partner or a preference, ding ding ding the alarm bells are ringing and they ring loudly.

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Helplessinlove

James121 I said the same today. I feel he has cheated on me. As said here is me being patient and not pushing him. Being senstive to his feelings and behind closed door he is "cheating" the situation by having his fun without me. Not acceptable!

 

I have decided to leave him. I am moving out on Monday with my daughter. I am currently undergoing counciling to help with this process. This has caused me so much damage and am a shell of who i use to be.

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James121
1 hour ago, Helplessinlove said:

James121 I said the same today. I feel he has cheated on me. As said here is me being patient and not pushing him. Being senstive to his feelings and behind closed door he is "cheating" the situation by having his fun without me. Not acceptable!

 

I have decided to leave him. I am moving out on Monday with my daughter. I am currently undergoing counciling to help with this process. This has caused me so much damage and am a shell of who i use to be.

Wow that’s big news. Very big. I hope it all pans out well for you and I hope both of you move forward in a positive way.

Perhaps when he gets over that initial resentment regarding the fact that you’ve decided to leave, he will reflect in a positive way.

I’ve always said to myself (being quite genuine) that if I had rejected my wife like this and watched porn behind her back like she does, I would have every expectation that she would have cheated. 

I’m simply astounded that some people think that the ring on their finger makes them believe they are protected from any outcome and they can behave how they want.

Given the fact that you have had sex once (from what I can see), I’m surprised you have last 4 years. I wouldn’t have done! 

I always thought my situation was bad but the worst I ever faced was having sex around once every 2 months. 

You did will, you gave him every chance and plenty of time. 

 

Good luck!

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Tarfeather

Apparently I missed the whole asexual masturbation discussion, so let me just add my two cents to that..

 

First, asexuals aren't, as far as I'm aware of, completely "asexual" in the sense of having not a shred of sexuality in them. Sexuality is just built too deeply into us, the whole libido response system, hormones, menstruation, etc. C. is the deepest black shade of asexual (no concept of attraction or physical beauty, doesn't masturbate, only has been aroused two times in our 4 years of knowing each other), but even she's told me that she's "less in the mood" for sex during her period.

 

With regards to "Why do they masturbate / watch porn, but don't have sex with me".. Well, the answer is simply, they don't desire you sexually. So the feeling of rejection there is valid. In terms of a sexual, it's not "This person loves me, but doesn't want sex", it's "This person doesn't love me" (well they might, but not what we'd consider "love" in terms of a sexual partner). There can be ways to compromise, but it'll never be the same as feeling sexually desired.

 

 

3 hours ago, Helplessinlove said:

I have decided to leave him. I am moving out on Monday with my daughter. I am currently undergoing counciling to help with this process. This has caused me so much damage and am a shell of who i use to be.

This just rubs me the wrong way, somehow. Like, I get that you don't want your child to grow up with parents who have a completely unhealthy relationship, but to me it sounds like you're basing your decision not off whether he is a good and caring father or husband, but mostly off the fact that you're not sexually satisfied.

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James121
1 hour ago, Tarfeather said:

This just rubs me the wrong way, somehow. Like, I get that you don't want your child to grow up with parents who have a completely unhealthy relationship, but to me it sounds like you're basing your decision not off whether he is a good and caring father or husband, but mostly off the fact that you're not sexually satisfied.

This is an appalling thing to say given the complexity of these circumstances. Thread after thread on this forum people are slating those who cheat. So what’s the alternative? She’s given 4 years. Things haven’t changed one bit. What you just said smacks of the emotional blackmail that often we, the refused and rejected spouses face all the time. 

We have a right to happiness too. Asexuality whilst not something a person chooses for themselves is definitely not something you can call ‘standard’. Therefore she had every right to expect a relationship that involved sex and a relationship that doesn’t involve one is clearly making her distressed.

Here’s an alternative solution. Asexual or not, he has to have sex whenever she fancies it. Whenever she wants no questions asked he gives it up. Is that reasonable? No. But that’s the comparison here. He’s offered no solution. Nothing. But she is a good mother, so why don’t you apply your same logic to him?

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ryn2

I hope things work out the best for everyone involved, whatever that ultimately looks like/means.

 

I haven’t commented on the masturbation discussion as OP had indicated she was not finding it helpful.

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Tarfeather
1 hour ago, James121 said:

This is an appalling thing to say given the complexity of these circumstances. Thread after thread on this forum people are slating those who cheat. So what’s the alternative? She’s given 4 years. Things haven’t changed one bit. What you just said smacks of the emotional blackmail that often we, the refused and rejected spouses face all the time. 

We have a right to happiness too. Asexuality whilst not something a person chooses for themselves is definitely not something you can call ‘standard’. Therefore she had every right to expect a relationship that involved sex and a relationship that doesn’t involve one is clearly making her distressed.

Here’s an alternative solution. Asexual or not, he has to have sex whenever she fancies it. Whenever she wants no questions asked he gives it up. Is that reasonable? No. But that’s the comparison here. He’s offered no solution. Nothing. But she is a good mother, so why don’t you apply your same logic to him?

I agree, I don't have the context and can't comment with nuance or substance on the situation. What I said wasn't meant as criticism, but rather as an intuition on my side that something might be problematic here. I think when you commit to having a child, you have responsibility for that child, and in a certain way its wellbeing takes precedence over your own. I don't have problems with the argument that if OP's husband doesn't care about his wife's happiness, this will have negative effects on their child. I do feel concerned that this doesn't seem to be the primary argument OP is making, but rather the sexual incompatibility issue seems to be the larger problem to her (as in, if the sexual component worked, then her husband's lack of openness and communication would be acceptable). But maybe I'm misinterpreting that.

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Helplessinlove

Ok, so my partner is not only asexual but aromantic. He also lacks empathy. I have been so stressed that i spent 24hrs in hospital due to dehydration and not eating. He didnt visit, just sent msgs to check on me. When i was pregnant he would get annoyed because i would vomit and he "hates the sound of gagging", I broke my foot last year and he got annoyed that he had to drive me to the drs because he had plans and then refused to walk the dog as it wasnt "his job".

 

Al these i probably could deal with to some extent if we had the emotional and physical connection. 

 

I feel its very unfair to pass the blame and judgement to me when I know I have given every inch of me to this man with little to no return. He will forever be the father of my daughter and I will always have the up most respect for him. I am still encouraging him to seek counselling and support him on a daily basis.

 

Once again I am back justifying putting my needs first for once.

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Mary Lambert
29 minutes ago, Helplessinlove said:

Ok, so my partner is not only asexual but aromantic. He also lacks empathy. I have been so stressed that i spent 24hrs in hospital due to dehydration and not eating. He didnt visit, just sent msgs to check on me. When i was pregnant he would get annoyed because i would vomit and he "hates the sound of gagging", I broke my foot last year and he got annoyed that he had to drive me to the drs because he had plans and then refused to walk the dog as it wasnt "his job".

 

Al these i probably could deal with to some extent if we had the emotional and physical connection

Hey, helpless, my husband was a jerk when I was pregnant. Wow, and it also did not help that I got no action what so ever. The only time in my life that I needed him so bad sexually, I would have enjoyed that so much so ease the pain of being pregnant. He would walk about 5-10 feet ahead of me in public also as if too embarrassed to be seen with this fat pregnant women (He has a real problem with fat women). I walked so slow cause I was so heavy. It was a miserable time for me. I got married to be able to have a sexual relationship with a man I loved (because I am a Christian- I did not want sex outside of marriage). Imagine what a shock it was for me to get none. It was hard to forgive him for that. I began to hate him. I hated my life I would always say. I turned to food. It was the only thing I could do. I was once this super in shape college athlete who then became a miserable heavy mom with two children I could not really enjoy because I hated my situation. I had know idea what was going on. I am so glad for you that you have knowledge of the situation. He could be being a jerk because parenting is hard when the kids are young it is very stressful and he might be feeling over tasked too. He probably knows you are unhappy and does not know what to do. My husband seemed to lack empathy too at that time. All of that part has changed. He has grown up (now 50). He and I know what we stand to loose. He does not want to be without me and I feel the same, but it has been a long and painful uphill climb. There was not real happiness until I decided to divorce him sexually and get on with my life. Then after I divorced him sexually (and I told him I was divorcing him sexually) he went in to unhappiness mode for 15 months, so that might be the ticket. Divorce him sexually, get yourself together as if you are moving on to the next guy, you don't have to leave to divorce someone sexually. Hope that helps. Mary

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Telecaster68
9 hours ago, Helplessinlove said:

so my partner is not only asexual but aromantic. He also lacks empathy.

Has he ever been tested for Asperger's? 

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Helplessinlove
48 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Has he ever been tested for Asperger's? 

No he hasn't but if he is, would be very high functioning. Hopefully if this was to be the case his new psychiatrist will identify it.

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uhtred
14 hours ago, Helplessinlove said:

Ok, so my partner is not only asexual but aromantic. He also lacks empathy. I have been so stressed that i spent 24hrs in hospital due to dehydration and not eating. He didnt visit, just sent msgs to check on me. When i was pregnant he would get annoyed because i would vomit and he "hates the sound of gagging", I broke my foot last year and he got annoyed that he had to drive me to the drs because he had plans and then refused to walk the dog as it wasnt "his job".

 

Al these i probably could deal with to some extent if we had the emotional and physical connection. 

 

I feel its very unfair to pass the blame and judgement to me when I know I have given every inch of me to this man with little to no return. He will forever be the father of my daughter and I will always have the up most respect for him. I am still encouraging him to seek counselling and support him on a daily basis.

 

Once again I am back justifying putting my needs first for once.

I wonder if those go together frequently.  My near asexual wife also has almost no empathy.

 

sex may only be enjoyable to someone with empathy- otherwise masturbation is jut easier.  The appeal of sex )to me) is my partners reaction to it.

 

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ryn2
7 minutes ago, uhtred said:

I wonder if those go together frequently.  My near asexual wife also has almost no empathy.

 

sex may only be enjoyable to someone with empathy- otherwise masturbation is jut easier.  The appeal of sex )to me) is my partners reaction to it.

 

I’m the opposite of that - I’m overly empathetic to the point other people’s feelings can overwhelm me - but my one real life ace friend is not particularly empathetic.  Since she and I are the only ones I know I have too small a sample to gauge percentages.

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Telecaster68

It's more complicated than simple cause and effect, or one to one correlation, but difficulties in understanding or showing empathy (as distinct from having it) are the touchstone of Asperger's. Research has also shown that Aspies have a higher incidence of nonstandard gender and sexuality identification than the general population, and that long term relationships involving Aspies are more likely to be sexless than the general population. 

 

I am choosing my language very carefully here, and being careful not to make any claims not substantiated by peer reviewed research. Please don't assume I'm implying more than I'm explicitly saying. 

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iff
15 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’m the opposite of that - I’m overly empathetic to the point other people’s feelings can overwhelm me 

I'd be similar, I am very empathethic too. I too can get overwhelmed by worry and concern about others.

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ryn2

I am definitely not aspie or on the autism spectrum.  My friend could be.

 

There could be commonality without causality, where some people are ace and aspie but others are ace or aspie... but it could also be that people who are aspie and sexless are so not because they are ace but because they are less likely to form relationships... or many other things.  Too far outside my areas of expertise!

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Telecaster68
53 minutes ago, iff said:

I'd be similar, I am very empathethic too. I too can get overwhelmed by worry and concern about others.

Not for a second saying you are, but many aspies are extremely sensitive to others feelings, to the point where they're overwhelmed because Asperger's means they can't process what to do with that feeling. The unfeeling robot stereotype is simplistic - some aspies act like that, but there's a lot going on underneath.

 

My theory about the link is this: sex is heavily reliant on reacting to nonverbal readings of another person - are they enjoying it? What activities do they prefer? - which aspies find hard to process, so they either switch off (consciously or not) or they learn a 'script' of what their partner enjoys , and stick to it, which their partner experiences as robotic and predictable. The problems with processing empathy also mean they don't have an intuitive, visceral reaction to enjoying their partner's pleasure so that element is missing. And in general, since they often are hypersensitive to intense emotions, and sex can be intensely emotional, the whole activity becomes incredibly anxiety-inducing. Then it's common for aspies to have sensory issues, which can add to their disinclination to have sex. Put all that together and its no wonder they would rather avoid sex altogether.

 

It's only a theory, though I've seen lots of anecdotal evidence on Aspie partner forums to support it, as well as some academic research. And, if you read posts on AVEN with those thoughts in mind, it's amazing how often it all fits together. I'll say it again though - I'm not saying all aspies are asexual or all asexuals are aspies. There is however a well established higher incidence of non mainstream gender and sexual identification amongst aspies than in the general population.

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ryn2

One of the things I’m most consistently recognized for at work is being quickly and accurately able to put myself in others’ shoes, so to speak, and effectively defuse tense situations/act as the de facto mediator.  I have the opposite of the “cold robot” thing going; I tend to be “mistaken for someone who cares,” such that coworkers and others perceive me as a close friend when I’m actually just a polite, patient acquaintance.

 

None of that in any way disproves your theory, of course.

 

The only place I intersect it personally is on the sensory level.  I am a hypertaster and tend to be hypersensory in general, so things others tune out/don’t even notice are often highly unpleasant or painful for me.  If I was sex-repulsed, which I’m not, that would likely factor into why.

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Thea2

This whole AS thing is a bit too close for comfort for me, so I’m just reading and thinking.  But in the end I am just me, a label doesn’t change who I am.

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Telecaster68

You are.

 

Watch some Maxine Aston videos if you want to find out more,  Thea.

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roland.o
18 hours ago, Helplessinlove said:

I feel its very unfair to pass the blame and judgement to me

I don't think anyone intended to pass blame on you. We all have incomplete information, so we can only share our thoughts and hope that some of those are helpful to you and your family. You do have all the information, and can decide which views or which advice are applicable to your situation.

 

Based on what you write, it's pretty clear that leaving him is the right decision for you. I read @Tarfeather's post, to which you probably referred, as a comment on the fact that you're taking your daughter with you. When they posted, you hadn't shared information that would allow any of us to guess whether that is the right decision for her. Tarfeather voiced their uneasiness about that. And I think it is fair to raise the concern about the well-being of your daughter, when the discussion so far was only about the problems between you and your partner. You do have the information to make that decision, and I thank you for sharing some of it afterwards. Please don't think of it as blame and justification though. It's empathy for the sake of your daughter, as well as yours.

 

All the best! :cake::D

 

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Autumn Season
On 20.4.2018 at 4:44 PM, Tarfeather said:
Quote

I have decided to leave him. I am moving out on Monday with my daughter. I am currently undergoing counciling to help with this process. This has caused me so much damage and am a shell of who i use to be.

This just rubs me the wrong way, somehow. Like, I get that you don't want your child to grow up with parents who have a completely unhealthy relationship, but to me it sounds like you're basing your decision not off whether he is a good and caring father or husband, but mostly off the fact that you're not sexually satisfied.

 

19 hours ago, Helplessinlove said:

I feel its very unfair to pass the blame and judgement to me when I know I have given every inch of me to this man with little to no return. He will forever be the father of my daughter and I will always have the up most respect for him. I am still encouraging him to seek counselling and support him on a daily basis.

 

Once again I am back justifying putting my needs first for once.

First, I admit that I only read this page and the original post, so apologies for any misunderstandings. 

Second, I want to express my compassion for Helpless and my wishes that she can heal.

Third, in my opinion, if somebody tried to save the relationship and couldn't and if they feel miserable in it for whichever reasons, it is valid to leave it.

I am not looking at the question of what is best for the daughter, since I have no information about her situation, whether she was asked, what she feels and so on.

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Thea2
20 hours ago, Helplessinlove said:

... I feel its very unfair to pass the blame and judgement to me ...

I agree entirely. I would just ignore it. 🍀

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Helplessinlove

Hi @Autumn Season unfortunately  my little girl is only 18 months. I know she would always want her mummy and daddy together though x

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SusannaC

I am also new to this site- but not new to an asexual relationship with my husband, who I have been married to for 28 years.  We have not had sex in about 16 years, though I’ve really lost count of the actual number- does not seem to matter anymore.   Looking back at our particular situación, I recognize that I worked hard to get pregnant with our second (and last) child 20 yrs ago- and the sexual side of our marriage pretty much ended after that.

I am motivated to talk about my story because I look at this absence of sexual relations as one of the most traumatic and difficult challenges of my adult life, and the relationship I have has certainly defined and mounded me over the years.   I have been lonely, confused and embarrassed, and have found myself envious, many times of other women in my peer group.  I have forced myself to work on me, and rebuild my self esteem, which has suffered over time.  I have not discussed the absence of sex with my husband in over 15 years.. to him, I know, sex is just not important!  I do not recommend my lifestyle to any sexual person, as it has been painful and lonely.  I remained in the marriage for my children, but would possibly reconsider, if I could go back in time.   Thanks for letting me share.

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