Helplessinlove

Sexual wife, with a suspected asexual Husband.

Recommended Posts

Helplessinlove

I am new to this forum, I have as of late been drawn to this site as I believe my husband is asexual. We have been together 4 years and have a one year old daughter. When we decided to have a child it was a big effort to have my husband engage in sex. We only managed once and were lucky to fall pregnant. Since then we have not had sex. He is 30 yrs and I am 32 yrs. I desperately crave the connection and to see the desire in my husbands eyes. But I dont. I have recently found myself very distant and my love for him is depleting. I have raised the issue around lack of affection and sexual contact throughout our relationship and normally results in him getting defensive. We have recently managed to discuss it in a more appropriate manner and he swore to seek advice and help (So we know exactly what we are dealing with, asexual vs something else- aware asexual is an orientation not a condition). This was 5 weeks ago and he has not since made any plans. I asked him about it last night and he responded with "Do we not have more to our relationship than sex?" I feel like im trying to be sensitive and understanding of his needs and feelings but he dismisses mine as trivial and fickle. Please help!

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Little Bear

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It must be hard and confusing for both of you. 

 

It sounds like he needs to speak to a psychotherapist and talk everything out so that he can come to terms with exactly how he feels. It can be difficult for a man to express feelings sometimes and I wonder if perhaps that's why he's putting off arranging an appointment and I believe you're right and he needs some professional advice.

 

I wish you luck and I hope you can work something out.

 

*hugs*

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Helplessinlove

Princess Merida

Thank you, just being able to share this with others is a relief. I am at the point where if he can't seek the truth and we can't come to a plan/compromise, I cant stay. The guilt involved with the thought of leaving is killing me.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Little Bear

I understand, sweetheart, I really do. It must feel terrible, particularly with a daughter caught in the middle. I hope it won't come to you having to leave him, particularly because your daughter will find that hard, but your happiness is important and sometimes there's no other option. Hopefully, you can convince him to seek advice and you could maybe suggest going with him if that's what he needs. He must know that it's not weak to seek help and we all do need help at times.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
49 minutes ago, Helplessinlove said:

I am new to this forum, I have as of late been drawn to this site as I believe my husband is asexual. We have been together 4 years and have a one year old daughter. When we decided to have a child it was a big effort to have my husband engage in sex. We only managed once and were lucky to fall pregnant. Since then we have not had sex. He is 30 yrs and I am 32 yrs. I desperately crave the connection and to see the desire in my husbands eyes. But I dont. I have recently found myself very distant and my love for him is depleting. I have raised the issue around lack of affection and sexual contact throughout our relationship and normally results in him getting defensive. We have recently managed to discuss it in a more appropriate manner and he swore to seek advice and help (So we know exactly what we are dealing with, asexual vs something else- aware asexual is an orientation not a condition). This was 5 weeks ago and he has not since made any plans. I asked him about it last night and he responded with "Do we not have more to our relationship than sex?" I feel like im trying to be sensitive and understanding of his needs and feelings but he dismisses mine as trivial and fickle. Please help!

Ok..... I will probably sound a bit negative here but I believe what I’m saying is truthful.

He sounds asexual, he sounds completely comfortable with the lack of or no sex. What’s worse is that he is doing what absolutely everyone does in this type of situation (be them asexual or low libido). He’s turned it around and makes it your fault. 

“Do we not have more to our relationship than sex?”. The inference being that you are sex obsessed or sexually warped or something. But you basically don’t have sex so the question makes no sense and you have every right to raise the concern. If you were having sex once a week and still pestering because you are not getting exactly what you want, I would kind of get the question he asked but not in your circumstances. That’s just pathetic and a way of turning it around on you.

 

Here is what I would recommend...

Sit with him and calmly ask him (and it does rely on him being honest)

1) If we didn’t have sex again ever, would this concern you greatly?

2) Would this situation be any different with another woman?

3) Can I change anything that would encourage you to engage sexually more frequently?

 

 

There is a good chance the answers will be

1) no

2) no

3) no

 

Then you need to ask yourself a question and you need to be honest with yourself 

 

1) Do I want to live like this forever given how that makes me feel?

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Helplessinlove

James121

 

Thank you! That has just hit the nerve i needed it too. They were the exact questions I asked and he replied no to all!

 

I dont think i can live like this. I have a beautiful daughter and im torn between having a whole family and showing her a healthy relationship.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
1 minute ago, Helplessinlove said:

James121

 

Thank you! That has just hit the nerve i needed it too. They were the exact questions I asked and he replied no to all!

 

I dont think i can live like this. I have a beautiful daughter and im torn between having a whole family and showing her a healthy relationship.

I’m so sorry for you and it literally turns your stomach over when you make this realisation. It’s an impossible situation. He can’t change himself and therefore he just says no to sex. “No” always wins the day because it’s not like any of us sexual people want to rape or have sex with someone who really doesn’t want to do it. At 32 years old, you can and will be able to start again.

Be careful not to let your affection/feelings for him cloud your judgement to a point where you stay just so he isn’t hurt. If you stay it has to be the right relationship for you too.

In addition, if/when you announce you are leaving (or you ask him to leave) be prepared for the inevitable promise of change which is highly unlikely to be sustained or the reversing of the guilt and inferring you are to blame for this.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alligator

well have you directed your husband to this site? maybe he can find a definition he identifies with. also, have you talked about how important sex is for your relationship's health? he's either so uncomfortable with idea of sex, that he's hoping you'll just forget about it, or he doesn't understand how important it is to you. if he does know, maybe he's just scared and confused, and doesn't understand whats he's going through.

i just think its wrong that he's been denying you sex for such a long time. 

for a lot of mixed couples (asexual & sexual), its a compromise to either have sex with them on a schedule, or to have a open relationship. to just ignore your personal health/feelings is devastating, and its hard be on his side after seeing how hard this must of been for you. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Helpless

 

Another sexual with an (apparently) asexual spouse here. Pretty much all the sexual partners posting on here have had those discussions and got those kind of answers, eventually, and we know the bafflement, hurt and feelings of having the rug pulled from under our feet.

 

One way that could help to ease some of the hurt is to try to reframe it in terms of a sexual orientation. You might as well have discovered your husband is gay (and possibly he might've just discovered that too); and that means he's not going to change, and any 'working on it' from either of you will be futile and possibly harmful. Don't hold on to any hopes of it getting better.

 

Lacking any kind of sexual connection, or even the desire for it, and the way that can spill over into the rest of the relations is one thing, but often the refusal to communicate about it unless really pushed, much less change anything hurts more. It's effectively saying our feelings don't matter to our partner- or at least whatever's going on with them matters more. It's not how relationships are meant to be.

 

Nobody's owed sex in a relationship (though it's perfectly reasonable to expect sex will be part of marriage), but both partners are owed communication and at least an effort to mitigate the other's misery. That's even more of a breaking point than no sex, to me.

 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alligator
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Helpless

 

Another sexual with an (apparently) asexual spouse here. Pretty much all the sexual partners posting on here have had those discussions and got those kind of answers, eventually, and we know the bafflement, hurt and feelings of having the rug pulled from under our feet.

 

One way that could help to ease some of the hurt is to try to reframe it in terms of a sexual orientation. You might as well have discovered your husband is gay (and possibly he might've just discovered that too); and that means he's not going to change, and any 'working on it' from either of you will be futile and possibly harmful. Don't hold on to any hopes of it getting better.

 

Lacking any kind of sexual connection, or even the desire for it, and the way that can spill over into the rest of the relations is one thing, but often the refusal to communicate about it unless really pushed, much less change anything hurts more. It's effectively saying our feelings don't matter to our partner- or at least whatever's going on with them matters more. It's not how relationships are meant to be.

 

Nobody's owed sex in a relationship (though it's perfectly reasonable to expect sex will be part of marriage), but both partners are owed communication and at least an effort to mitigate the other's misery. That's even more of a breaking point than no sex, to me.

 

 thats a little harsh isn't it? she wanted some advice, not for us to tell her that their relationship is dead. granted there is truth to what you're saying, but maybe word it a little nicer. they are married, and have a child. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

I was just reflecting the my own experience, and that of a lot of others, based on what she said.

 

One of the reasons people hang on in relationships is hope that things will change, especially as the received wisdom on one partner being uninterested in sex is generally interpreted as being solvable by dealing with issues in the relationship or with the individuals (and with good reason, it's far more common reason than asexuality). With asexuals, it just results in drawing out the agony for both people. When one partner has to be cornered before they'll talk about it, and effectively says they're asexual, it wouldn't be kind to encourage the idea that anything will change.

 

Most partners of asexuals get to that realisation eventually. Sooner is less painful than later.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gaogao
14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

often the refusal to communicate about it unless really pushed, much less change anything hurts more.

I think this is important :( many of the failed relationships I've seen here on AVEN have been the result of one party refusing to talk or communicate, for various reasons. 

 

Asexuality is already ridiculously hard to deal with in a relationship, but unwillingness to try communicate or listen to each other is the true killer...

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred

OP. 

I'm also a sexual in a relationship with a near-asexual.  (not nearly as bad as your situation, we do have sex occasionally).

 

Its a really miserably situation. The sexual feels neglected, frustrated, unloved. The asexual feels constantly pressured for something that they can't provide: desire. 

 

Depending on the situation it may be worse for one or the other: if there is no sex, the sexual probably suffers more.  In the cases where the asexual gives in a pretends to enjoy sex (or just has it), then they suffer more.  But both suffer. 

 

It is unlikely to get better.   I've tried everything for 30 years now.  I honestly believe that there is no fix.   You are left with 3 awful options:

 

Leave: Find someone with whom you can enjoy a passionate sex life.  With a child this is of course difficult, but its not impossible. Your child may be better off after divorce in a happy marriage than staying in an unhappy one.

 

Cheat:  If what you want is sex, then you can get it somewhere else. There is a chance your husband will agree to it - but most likely not.  Many asexuals who are not really aware of their feelings do not understand how sex matters to sexuals and feel cheating is betrayal. His "Do we not have more to our relationship than sex?"  shows that he doesn't understand how you, or other sexuals feel at a very deep level. The problem is that if you do have an affair, you will probably enjoy it so much that this will just default to the first option anyway. 

 

Live like a nun:.  That is the default choice. Stay where you are.  If you do, I recommend completely giving up on sex - it hurts less. Don't try to make it better, don't wish for what you can never have.   Maybe develop a nice porn addiction - its not going to interfere with your non-existent sex life.

 

 

I'm sorry, I wish there were better answers, but you are fundamentally incompatible. Its the same situation as if he were gay - he just doesn't desire you, and most likely never will. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Zenzencat104

I, as an asexual, never want to have sex in my entire life, yet want to make people happy, and perhaps a conflict of interest is what your partner is dealing with. In this case, the relationship as it is may not be healthy for either of you (as neither of your personal needs are met).

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Karret

I don't understand how you got all the way to marrying the guy without so much as talking about future sex plans. How long were you dating? What caused the desire to get married? What indication was there beforehand that marriage was a desirable option? But most importantly, if there was never any indication that the guy desired you sexually before you were married, why would you think that would change after you were married?
This kind of missing info here leaves me kinda baffled as to how a situation like this could get to this point.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
andreas1033
3 minutes ago, Karret said:

I don't understand how you got all the way to marrying the guy without so much as talking about future sex plans. How long were you dating? What caused the desire to get married? What indication was there before that marriage was a desirable option? But most importantly, if there was never any indication that the guy desired you sexually before you were married, why would you think that would change after you were married?
This kind of missing info here that leaves me kinda baffled as to how a situation like this could get to this point.

I agree.

 

How come op, you never understood this before you got married?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thea2
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

... try to reframe it in terms of a sexual orientation. You might as well have discovered your husband is gay (and possibly he might've just discovered that too); and that means he's not going to change, and any 'working on it' from either of you will be futile and possibly harmful. Don't hold on to any hopes of it getting better ...

I do like that way of thinking about it. 😊

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MrDane
8 hours ago, Helplessinlove said:

I am new to this forum, I have as of late been drawn to this site as I believe my husband is asexual. We have been together 4 years and have a one year old daughter. When we decided to have a child it was a big effort to have my husband engage in sex. We only managed once and were lucky to fall pregnant. Since then we have not had sex. He is 30 yrs and I am 32 yrs. I desperately crave the connection and to see the desire in my husbands eyes. But I dont. I have recently found myself very distant and my love for him is depleting. I have raised the issue around lack of affection and sexual contact throughout our relationship and normally results in him getting defensive. We have recently managed to discuss it in a more appropriate manner and he swore to seek advice and help (So we know exactly what we are dealing with, asexual vs something else- aware asexual is an orientation not a condition). This was 5 weeks ago and he has not since made any plans. I asked him about it last night and he responded with "Do we not have more to our relationship than sex?" I feel like im trying to be sensitive and understanding of his needs and feelings but he dismisses mine as trivial and fickle. Please help!

Sometimes the aces can seem totally unaware that most people live with a sexuality as an important part of their lives. It is quite simply this: he needs to reckognize that sex is important for you and it gives you so much. Is it really important for him, to not have sex? Would he also refuse giving a massage if he could relieve you of a pain in your shoulders that made it hard to enjoy all other things in life? 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
10 minutes ago, MrDane said:

Sometimes the aces can seem totally unaware that most people live with a sexuality as an important part of their lives. It is quite simply this: he needs to reckognize that sex is important for you and it gives you so much. Is it really important for him, to not have sex? Would he also refuse giving a massage if he could relieve you of a pain in your shoulders that made it hard to enjoy all other things in life? 

To circle back to the questions, “do you consider it a problem if we never have sex again?” and “are you unwilling to have sex again/regularly/[insert cadence here]?” can be two distinct things.

 

If the former is “no” and the latter is also “no,” there may be room for compromise... if you (OP) feel more sex suffices.  I say that because some sexuals appear comfortable/fine with this type of arrangement but others definitely are not.

 

If the answers are “no” and “yes” then you know compromise isn’t one of your options.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
roland.o
6 hours ago, alligator said:

thats a little harsh isn't it? she wanted some advice, not for us to tell her that their relationship is dead.

I see how you could read it that way, but that's not what I understood from the post. I read @Telecaster68's post as "you must fix the lack of communication in your relationship before you can address the lack of sex".

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
1 minute ago, roland.o said:

"you must fix the lack of communication in your relationship before you can address the lack of sex".

So very, very true.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Helplessinlove

Karret

 

I was nieve, i had never heard of asexuality. My hudband does suffer depression and is medicated. A sideeffect of the meds is reduced libido. It had been a constant sore point for me and we have sought help from drs, changed meds ect. I went to councilling and was told if i didnt push the sex issue he would relax and come to me. When he didn't we went back to the councilor and he thought it was because my husband had been cheated on and was a security thing. So I stupidly thought once we were married he would feel safe and it would improve.

 

I know this may seem so stupid of me but i love him and allowed myself to believe it wpuld improve.

 

I am only now realising its not going to, he cant change who he is anymore than i can. I today, with the help and experiences shared here have come to the decision that my marriage wont last but I can help him discover who he is and learn to be comfortable with it.

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Helplessinlove

Telecaster

 

I feel it would be easier on me if he was gay. The wider community would be far more accepting of a marrige break up if he was gay. Asexual is not commonly known about and hard to disclose to people.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
29 minutes ago, Helplessinlove said:

I went to councilling and was told if i didnt push the sex issue he would relax and come to me.

I spent years not pushing any sex issues, biting my lip and making sure my wife was completely unaware that I wanted more from her. My patience and the lack of any type of pressure was only met with her developing an attitude of “he’s fine with this because he never complains”. As a result things went slowly from terrible to even more terrible. Not a single complaint was made. 

After years of it I complained and got “I can’t believe you are complaining. I’m not just here for you to have sex with”

So the moral of the story is this. If you complain you are a sex obsessed, selfish, one track minded a***hole.

If you don’t complain, nothing is wrong because you haven’t said anything.

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Helplessinlove
18 minutes ago, James121 said:

I spent years not pushing any sex issues, biting my lip and making sure my wife was completely unaware that I wanted more from her. My patience and the lack of any type of pressure was only met with her developing an attitude of “he’s fine with this because he never complains”. As a result things went slowly from terrible to even more terrible. Not a single complaint was made. 

After years of it I complained and got “I can’t believe you are complaining. I’m not just here for you to have sex with”

So the moral of the story is this. If you complain you are a sex obsessed, selfish, one track minded a***hole.

If you don’t complain, nothing is wrong because you haven’t said anything.

Thats exactly it, if I dont say anything he is happy as to him life is perfect. As soon as I raise the issue he gets defensive and acts as though im a sex obsessed monster. I have waited for over 2yrs!

 

I can't win this and im no longer under the impression I can.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
2 hours ago, James121 said:

I spent years not pushing any sex issues, biting my lip and making sure my wife was completely unaware that I wanted more from her. My patience and the lack of any type of pressure was only met with her developing an attitude of “he’s fine with this because he never complains”. As a result things went slowly from terrible to even more terrible. Not a single complaint was made. 

After years of it I complained and got “I can’t believe you are complaining. I’m not just here for you to have sex with”

So the moral of the story is this. If you complain you are a sex obsessed, selfish, one track minded a***hole.

If you don’t complain, nothing is wrong because you haven’t said anything.

Preach, brother. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
3 hours ago, James121 said:

I spent years not pushing any sex issues, biting my lip and making sure my wife was completely unaware that I wanted more from her.

Of all of the posts and articles written about communication, WHY would you do this to yourself AND to her for as long as you did?  

 

Quote

My patience and the lack of any type of pressure was only met with her developing an attitude of “he’s fine with this because he never complains”. 

This is no different from having sex with someone for years because they're 'willing', believing that they WANT to because they "never complain".  She thinks you're fine with NO sex (because you don't complain) and YOU think *she's* fine with sex because *she* never complains...

 

Quote

After years of it I complained and got “I can’t believe you are complaining. I’m not just here for you to have sex with”

The key is that you complained after years.  Although you may have believed that you were being altruistic during that time, it backfired.  

 

Quote

So the moral of the story is this. If you complain you are a sex obsessed, selfish, one track minded a***hole.

Not necessarily...

 

Quote

If you don’t complain, nothing is wrong because you haven’t said anything.

If  your wife never complained about your breath, would you think that ANYTHING is wrong?  

 

Communication isn't about just telling someone how you feel.  It's about telling them how you were scared to tell them..and WHY...and acknowledging that the way you handled things may not have been the BEST way to handle the situation, and taking responsibility for your own ignorance in knowing how to communicate.  

 

Seems like there was more of a lack of a communication in your situation.  

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, vega57 said:

 

Communication isn't about just telling someone how you feel.  It's about telling them how you were scared to tell them..and WHY...and acknowledging that the way you handled things may not have been the BEST way to handle the situation, and taking responsibility for your own ignorance in knowing how to communicate.  

You're seriously saying that would be the difference between someone wanting to have sex or not?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57

Sometimes, it can make a difference, yes.  Communication is key.  Unfortunately, it happens long after the horse has already left the barn...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

So it's going to essentially change someone's sexual orientation?

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now