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Mary Lambert

I think, my ACE husband has ruined sex for me?

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ryn2
5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think there's some truth in that. At least, we find people with similar levels of openness and behaviours more comfortable. The mechanisms and reasons that they behave like that might be massively different, and as the relationship develops, that's where the fault lines show.

Yes, and/or one person grows/moves emotionally farther than the other and things no longer align.

 

E.g., someone with trust issues may be comfortable with someone who tends towards substance abuse, as both are closed-off emotionally and likely expect the same from others.  If one of them works successfully through therapy, has a life-changing event that leads to an epiphany, etc., that person may reach a point where openness and real emotional intimacy are both achievable and desired.  If the other partner hasn’t experienced a similar shift, it’s going to be a problem.

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Thea2
34 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

... it's patterns learned in childhood replaying themselves.

I would agree with that, because that has been my experience in my life.

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Thea2
46 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

... having sex is a substitute for developing true intimacy and fully-actualized people no longer need sex ...

This is my opinion too. But I do know other people think differently and I respect that.

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Thea2
43 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

... we seek our level of emotional development in others ...

Based on my own experience, I say yes. But it was not an active "seeking"; more that it happened because I could not see the problem, to me it was my normal.

 

Quote

... it’s important to identify the draw where there’s a pattern... so as not to leave one relationship only to find similar issues in the next one.

Again only based on my own experience, I would agree with this. Once I changed, other people came into my life.

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ryn2
21 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

Based on my own experience, I say yes. But it was not an active "seeking"; more that it happened because I could not see the problem, to me it was my normal.

Agreed, “are drawn to” might be a better way to word it.  It wouldn’t be a conscious sort of seeking.

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vega57
2 hours ago, uhtred said:

Some people seem to end up with a string of terrible partners - I don't know why.  There *are* good men, and good women to try to make their partners happy every day. Lots of them.  

 

You are not alone in having ended up with a bunch of losers - it seems to happen to a lot of women, but I have never seen a pattern.  

 

I'm curious, how did these relationships start? Did they seek you out, or did you find them?   

I never sought out a relationship.  They found me.  All of my relationships just sort of...naturally progressed.  

 

Most of the people I met at work.  One man's car was in the shop for about a week, and I had put myself on the list of people who were willing to car-pool.  We both lived in the same town, but the town was about 45 minutes from work.  So, we had a chance to 'get to know each other' during that week.  

 

I met my late husband the first week of college, but we didn't get together until I was 40.  We hung out in the same group in college, so we were friends then.  

 

Or, so I thought...

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uhtred
20 hours ago, vega57 said:

I never sought out a relationship.  They found me.  All of my relationships just sort of...naturally progressed.  

 

Most of the people I met at work.  One man's car was in the shop for about a week, and I had put myself on the list of people who were willing to car-pool.  We both lived in the same town, but the town was about 45 minutes from work.  So, we had a chance to 'get to know each other' during that week.  

 

I met my late husband the first week of college, but we didn't get together until I was 40.  We hung out in the same group in college, so we were friends then.  

 

Or, so I thought...

I wonder if you were targeted by men who knew you were a good (not goof) person who would put up with a lot before leaving?

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Thea2
4 hours ago, uhtred said:

I wonder if you were targeted by men who knew you were a goof person who would put up with a lot before leaving?

I am not English, but ‘goof’ seems a rude word to use, I think.

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Telecaster68

I think it's a typo... 

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gaogao

'f' and 'd' are next to each other on the keyboard xD

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Thea2
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think it's a typo... 

 

40 minutes ago, gaogao said:

'f' and 'd' are next to each other on the keyboard xD

Ah, that makes sense, thank you very much for the explanation. :cake:

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uhtred
4 hours ago, Thea2 said:

I am not English, but ‘goof’ seems a rude word to use, I think.

Sorry. Should have been “good”.  Typing on a phone (I’m to old to type on phones - how do I change the ribbon?

 

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Telecaster68
9 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Sorry. Should have been “good”.  Typing on a phone (I’m to old to type on phones - how do I change the ribbon?

 

Never mind that, how do you get correction fluid off the screen? 

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Thea2

^^  I can't get through to the switchboard operator. :lol:

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Thea2 said:

^^  I can't get through to the switchboard operator. :lol:

They’re picking correction fluid off the screen!  :lol:

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vega57
12 hours ago, uhtred said:

I wonder if you were targeted by men who knew you were a good (not goof) person who would put up with a lot before leaving?

"Targeted" is actually a pretty good word to use.  Now that I think about it, in almost every case they mentioned something about me being a 'good person' (whatever that meant to them).  

 

(And yes, I knew it was "good" and not "goof" when I first read your post!)

 

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