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Mary Lambert

I think, my ACE husband has ruined sex for me?

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Telecaster68

I mean absolutely anything. Making them a cup of tea, visiting relatives, a cuddle, whatever.

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James121
10 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Again, HOW much and WHAT KIND?  

Normal sex once a week for arguments sake

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ryn2
49 minutes ago, Mary Lambert said:

Boom, it all goes back to incompatibility. The ACE needs to be OK with the Allo seeking another relationship and still know that the Allo love's the ACE and wants to stay together. You know in some cases the Allo may realize that the other relationship is awful and appreciate the ACE even more. But yes, there is the risk of infection. There is that. And that is not fair, so the ACE and ALLO need be  committed to abstain from sex with each other. I cannot speak for everyone, but for me, an Allo, sex with and ACE is not what I want, even if I love him dearly, which I do. And this is not to say that I do not empathize with the ACE's  who hurt so deeply and want to hang on to their beloved Allo. You need to let go and let us free to love you the way we can and seek love other than you with someone else also. Sounds selfish, but even if I never had another relationship but my husband gave me his TRUE blessing, it would make me so much happier. 

I think this can work really well if everyone involved is poly/poly-positive.  If not, it probably can’t.  At least, I’m not sure everyone can choose to be poly.

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vega57
5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I mean absolutely anything. Making them a cup of tea, visiting relatives, a cuddle, whatever.

That's fine.  

 

But if you really weren't 'good' with visiting relatives, would you want a steady diet of it for the rest of your life, even though it might make your partner 'happy'?  

 

How about visiting relatives 3 times a week (about as often as a lot of people want sex)?  

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vega57
5 minutes ago, James121 said:

Normal sex once a week for arguments sake

O.k.  Why once a week?  Why not once a month?  Or, 10 times a day?  

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Telecaster68

That's not the context - I was talking about making concessions in principle, which you seemed to be  loathe to countenance. But generally visiting  inlaws is an expectation of marriage. If they were expecting it three times a week, I'd say, fine, you go three times, I'll do once, not denounce all inlaw visiting as some kind of societal con and criticise anyone who liked to see their parents more than I do.

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Telecaster68
8 minutes ago, vega57 said:

O.k.  Why once a week?  Why not once a month?  Or, 10 times a day?  

I'm guessing because per Kinsey, it's a really broadbrush average of frequency in a relationship.

 

Would you compromise at that level?

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James121
26 minutes ago, vega57 said:

First of all, having sex is not a "right".  If it was, these past 11 pages wouldn't even exist

If loyalty without question was an absolute right the pages wouldn’t exist either.

 

26 minutes ago, vega57 said:

No one is entitled to sex.  No one
"deserves" sex.  Period. End of story.  

Everyone deserves effort, period (especially when you decide to trot up that aisle in front of your friends and family and slip rings on each other’s fingers)

 

26 minutes ago, vega57 said:

You have other options, and because of the cheater's selfish nature to want to have his/her cake and eat it too,

So does the refusing spouse. Are they ok to eat their cake and still have it too though?

 

26 minutes ago, vega57 said:

If someone tells you that they don't want to have sex with you, you can leave.  You aren't being 'forced' to stay or 'forced' to cheat, and if you tried THAT crap on an infidelity board, you'd be eaten alive.  Even if you tried that in court, the judge wouldn't buy it.  

 

Firstly forget judges and the law on marriage. It’s broken...for example...you could marry someone whilst in debt by £10k. Your spouse has a million in the bank. 3 years later you divorce cos you can’t be bothered with them anymore and you get £500k. Sound fair? That’s the law when comes to marriage.

 

Now....yes person A can leave. But so can person B! Person B is being pursued for sex that they don’t want to have. Why don’t they leave? Because they want to eat their cake and still have it. A monogamous marriage without having to make effort to consider your spouse too. Why is that you or no one else for that matter suggests that person B leaves before it ends in that infidelity you don’t like the sound of?

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James121
9 minutes ago, vega57 said:

O.k.  Why once a week?  Why not once a month?  Or, 10 times a day?  

Erm (scratches head) 

- realistic

- achievable for both?

- Goldilocks’ porridge?

 

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vega57
4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm guessing because per Kinsey, it's a really broadbrush average of frequency in a relationship.

 

Would you compromise at that level?

I already did.  For 9 years.

 

Never again.  

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vega57
1 minute ago, James121 said:

Erm (scratches head) 

- realistic

- achievable for both?

- Goldilocks’ porridge?

 

It was a serious question.  

 

Why once a week?  

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Telecaster68

What made you want to stop that compromise?

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vega57
5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm guessing because per Kinsey, it's a really broadbrush average of frequency in a relationship.

 

Would you compromise at that level?

And how are those "averages" achieved?  Does it also include people who haven't had sex in decades as part of establishing that average?  

 

(Sorry, but you'll have to educate me.  I've never been a big fan of Kinsey, and from what I understand currently, a lot of their theories are being dispelled)

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vega57
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

What made you want to stop that compromise?

Because he was also a liar, controlling, verbally abusive, selfish, unwilling to compromise *for me*, unfair, money-hungry, disrespectful, rude, immature, constantly angry at the world...

 

...to name a few.  

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James121
3 minutes ago, vega57 said:

It was a serious question.  

 

Why once a week?  

It was a serious answer. Once a month is very infrequent, 10 times per day is ridiculous. Once a week or thereabouts  appears achievable for both to be happy. Does it not?

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Telecaster68

Eh? We've both cited Kinsey lots before and you've never queried them. It's not based on theory anyhow, it's based on data from decades of thousands of subjects.

 

This feels like diversionary chaff to me.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Because he was also a liar, controlling, verbally abusive, selfish, unwilling to compromise *for me*, unfair, money-hungry, disrespectful, rude, immature, constantly angry at the world...

 

...to name a few.  

I can completely understand how all those things would put you off, but please don't assume they're givens in all relationships.

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Thea2
1 minute ago, vega57 said:

Because he was also a liar ...

People used to lie to me until I was prepared to hear their truth. 

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vega57
Just now, Thea2 said:

People used to lie to me until I was prepared to hear their truth. 

Oh, no.  He DID admit to lying.  I caught him a number of times.  He would exaggerate to the point of lying so often, that whenever we were talking about numbers, I dubbed what I called the "S---- 'factor".  The factor is, that you take the number he just quoted you and either divide that number by 3 or multiply it by 3.  THAT number would be closer to the truth.  

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Thea2
5 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Because he was also a liar, controlling, verbally abusive, selfish, unwilling to compromise *for me*, unfair, money-hungry, disrespectful, rude, immature, constantly angry at the world...

 

...to name a few.  

That’s not really mixed relationship related.

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Thea2

.

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vega57
1 minute ago, Thea2 said:

That’s not really mixed relationship related.

Sure it is.  

 

*HE* thought he was God.  
*I* didn't agree.  

 

I'd say that's pretty 'mixed'!  :D

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Oh, no.  He DID admit to lying.  I caught him a number of times.  He would exaggerate to the point of lying so often, that whenever we were talking about numbers, I dubbed what I called the "S---- 'factor".  The factor is, that you take the number he just quoted you and either divide that number by 3 or multiply it by 3.  THAT number would be closer to the truth.  

I think Thea meant he felt his views would get dismissed so he felt there was no point in opening himself up to that. So he lied instead.

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Thea2
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think Thea meant he felt his views would get dismissed so he felt there was no point in opening himself up to that. So he lied instead.

Exactly 😊

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Thea2
4 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Well, I guess that point is moot, since *I* was the one who left him.  

@vega57 Sorry for that remark, I have removed it now, it was inappropriate. :cake:

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vega57
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think Thea meant he felt his views would get dismissed so he felt there was no point in opening himself up to that. So he lied instead.

Not even close.  

 

He simply didn't like that truth.  Even said once that lying "made the story sound better".   

 

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vega57
4 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

@vega57 Sorry for that remark, I have removed it now, it was inappropriate. :cake:

No sweat.  I'll do the same.  

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Telecaster68

Why would he feel the need to make it sound better if he didn't expect the truth to be dismissed?

 

I'm not sure you realise how dismissively you can come across quite often.

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Thea2
4 minutes ago, vega57 said:

No sweat.  I'll do the same.  

Thank you very much. 🌸

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