Jump to content
Mary Lambert

I think, my ACE husband has ruined sex for me?

Recommended Posts

Mary Lambert
On ‎4‎/‎16‎/‎2018 at 12:02 AM, James121 said:

I can not help but revert back to what I have always said from the start which is simple.

If you reverse the roles of my wife and I and I persistently refused her, I would have every expectation that she would cheat. And I would accept my part in that instead of pretending I was some sort of completely innocent victim.

Amen

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
15 minutes ago, vega57 said:

And you have deliberately generalized in order to try and trap me into saying something that I'm not about to say.  

 

I'll say it ONE MORE TIME.

 

TO A DEGREE.  It's not the kind of question that can be answered realistically with a 'yes' or 'no' answer.  

Course it can be answered as a generality.

 

In general,  if my wife was miserable and there was something I could do to make her happier, I'd do it. If I didn't, I'd feel I'd been lacking.

 

See? Now your turn.

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
13 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Course it can be answered as a generality.

 

In general,  if my wife was miserable and there was something I could do to make her happier, I'd do it. If I didn't, I'd feel I'd been lacking.

 

See? Now your turn.

 

And what if what she wanted from you that would "make her happy" was unreasonable?  Would you still do it?  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thea2
2 minutes ago, vega57 said:

And what if what she wanted from you that would "make her happy" was unreasonable?  Would you still do it?  

@Telecaster68 Or what if what she wanted from you that would "make her happy" was reasonable enough but makes you feel sick. Would you still do it?  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

No, but in general, I'd default to doing it rather than insist on a detailed case being made each time and look for reasons not to do it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
1 minute ago, Thea2 said:

Or what if what she wanted from you that would "make her happy" was reasonable enough but makes you feel sick. Would you still do it?  

Exactly.  

 

The point is, that we can't "make" anyone happy, anyway.  We can add to the happiness they already have, but we simply don't have that kind of POWER to "make" anyone happy.  

 

http://powerfulpositiveyou.com/you-cant-make-someone-else-happy/

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Thea2 said:

@Telecaster68 Or what if what she wanted from you that would "make her happy" was reasonable enough but makes you feel sick. Would you still do it?  

I'd try to find a way of compromising rather than reasons to dismiss it as unreasonable.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Exactly.  

 

The point is, that we can't "make" anyone happy, anyway.  We can add to the happiness they already have, but we simply don't have that kind of POWER to "make" anyone happy.  

 

http://powerfulpositiveyou.com/you-cant-make-someone-else-happy/

 

 

You can help them be less unhappy though.

 

This defaulting to 'not my problem guv' is rather disturbing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thea2
4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'd try to find a way of compromising rather than reasons to dismiss it as unreasonable.

Not everyone can compromise, but I do agree that it is not fair to dismiss the other’s needs as unreasonable.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

No, but in general, I'd default to doing it rather than insist on a detailed case being made each time and look for reasons not to do it.

You don't need to insist on a 'detailed case' each time.  As time goes on, you get to know your spouse well enough to make a determination about the situation.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'd try to find a way of compromising rather than reasons to dismiss it as unreasonable.

Some things simply can't be compromised.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

So what kind of situation would make you think 'yes, I'll go out of my way to cheer them up'?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
1 minute ago, Thea2 said:

Not everyone can compromise, but I do understand that it is not fair to dismiss the other’s needs as unreasonable.

LOL!  Even our therapist would disagree with that!  He told my late husband on more than one occasion that my late husband was being unreasonable.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thea2
4 minutes ago, vega57 said:

LOL!  Even our therapist would disagree with that!  He told my late husband on more than one occasion that my late husband was being unreasonable.  

A therapist is just a person, and in this I would disagree with this person.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

So what kind of situation would make you think 'yes, I'll go out of my way to cheer them up'?

I wouldn't want to simply try and "cheer someone up".  I'd want to find a solution to whatever the problem is, provided the problem is 'reasonable'.  I mean, if my husband came home in the early afternoon, having been fired from a job, of course, I would listen to his story.  But if he then told me that the reason he was fired  was because he punched his boss in the nose because his boss wouldn't let him have Saturday off, I'd be pretty hard pressed to take my husband's side!  And, since I know my husband to have an explosive temper with a huge narcissistic streak, I wouldn't exactly be too willing to 'help', especially if he kept insisting that he was in the right.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
3 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

A therapist is just a person, and in this I would disagree with this person.

Just a person?  I hope you mean that they're a trained person, someone who has more training than you or me.  

 

Do you think it's "reasonable" to expect your spouse to have sex in public places about 10 feet away from children?  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

I think I'm going to leave it there and let people reading this thread draw their own conclusions.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally
13 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

And the person who, in your words, made it bad enough for that to happen, bears absolutely no responsibility for making it that bad?

How many times must I say that the person who takes the action bears the responsibility for that action?  That's true in every other sector of life; why should it be different here?   

 

And...for the umpteenth time, "cheating" is understood as doing something that the other party doesn't know about.  If the sexual wants to go outside the relationship for sex, have the guts to tell the asexual.  By not doing so, the sexual pretty much admits that cheating is a reprehensible action.  NOT sex, cheating.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thea2
3 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Just a person?  I hope you mean that they're a trained person, someone who has more training than you or me.  

To mature means to take responsibility for your life, to be on your own. Psychoanalysis fosters the infantile state by considering that the past is responsible for the illness. Frederic Salomon Perls.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mary Lambert
On ‎4‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 9:04 AM, ripley said:
On ‎4‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 8:52 AM, alligator said:

I feel like this post has gotten a little out of hand. @Mary Lambert, I'm really happy that you have accepted that your husband is asexual. I know with good communication, and compromise from both sides, you two can have a healthy relationship from this point on :) 

I agree with @alligator.

 

@Mary Lambert, I really hope that amidst all the debate (that while interesting does feel ... a little off topic at this stage), you’ve managed to find some advice that might be helpful and useful to you. I really hope that you and your husband find the balance that works for you, and for your family, whatever that balance might be. 

 

And hey, at least you can say you’ve definitely seen how diverse and different our opinions can be around here! We all have different views on topics like this, which I think is fascinating to see how varied they can be.

Thanks, guys, yes this has been great. I love the discussion. It has been very helpful. I think there is no end to the frustration between Allo and ACE, but it is nice to know there is somewhere to talk or read about the situation. I sure understand him better today then ever before. :) 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Not Pan Ficto.
On 17/04/2018 at 1:11 AM, uhtred said:

So if one person consistently refuses sex I can’t fault the other for cheating. 

 

If marriage is this ultimately religious undertaking as you keep saying it is, wouldn't it be specifically implied then that cheating within a marriage is actually a sin against the marriage and against God?  I don't remember the Bible ever implying you can go and screw other people if you don't get sex from your spouse. 

 

The cheater is still 'at fault' for cheating because they chose to do it and they'll know it's wrong and make excuses for it. They know if their partner finds out they'll probably leave them (and yes, that's happened to quite a few sexual partners on AVEN now) and so they actively hide it to avoid their partner flipping out. So yeah, they know it's wrong and that it will cause immense harm and damage to their relationship no matter what excuses they make for it. 

 

I'm not as hard on cheaters as some would think from my comments here, I actually don't give a fuck if you cheat it's none of my business. But you (general you here) know as well as I do that someone who cheats is deeply hurting their partner and making excuses for it doesn't make it any less wrong to actively choose to hurt them when they themselves are just as stuck as you are. They can't MAKE themselves want to fuck you, so they have the choice to force themselves to suffer through sex with you (which you couldnt enjoy anyway knowing they don't want it) or suffer the pain of having you cheat on them? Because yes it hurts an ace just as much as it hurts anyone else. It's a deeply shitty position for them to be in as well.

 

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mary Lambert
41 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

And what if what she wanted from you that would "make her happy" was unreasonable?  Would you still do it?  

Boom, it all goes back to incompatibility. The ACE needs to be OK with the Allo seeking another relationship and still know that the Allo love's the ACE and wants to stay together. You know in some cases the Allo may realize that the other relationship is awful and appreciate the ACE even more. But yes, there is the risk of infection. There is that. And that is not fair, so the ACE and ALLO need be  committed to abstain from sex with each other. I cannot speak for everyone, but for me, an Allo, sex with and ACE is not what I want, even if I love him dearly, which I do. And this is not to say that I do not empathize with the ACE's  who hurt so deeply and want to hang on to their beloved Allo. You need to let go and let us free to love you the way we can and seek love other than you with someone else also. Sounds selfish, but even if I never had another relationship but my husband gave me his TRUE blessing, it would make me so much happier. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
3 hours ago, vega57 said:

They have NO responsibility for the cheating, period.  Not 1%.  Not .0005%.  Nada.

Yep they do. 50/50

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
NapoliGirl

Hmmm.....asexuality/ACE  is a sexual orientation, just like LGBTQ etc.  

So, let's say for us sexual spouses/partners.....what if our ACEs were LGBTQ instead, for the sake of argument.  For example, let's say I am a hetero female married to a gay male.

What if they wanted us to stay and be faithful, where we both don't have sex with each other or anyone else....no sex for either.

What if I cheated instead?

Would that be viewed as somehow more "okay"?

Am I being overly simplistic here?

After all, ACE  does not equal "straight", necessarily.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
59 minutes ago, vega57 said:

And what if what she wanted from you that would "make her happy" was unreasonable?  Would you still do it?  

What’s unreasonable about sex?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
27 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

wouldn't it be specifically implied then that cheating within a marriage is actually a sin against the marriage and against God? 

Yes. As is sexual abandonment 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
5 minutes ago, NapoliGirl said:

Hmmm.....asexuality/ACE  is a sexual orientation, just like LGBTQ etc.  

So, let's say for us sexual spouses/partners.....what if our ACEs were LGBTQ instead, for the sake of argument.  For example, let's say I am a hetero female married to a gay male.

What if they wanted us to stay and be faithful, where we both don't have sex with each other or anyone else....no sex for either.

What if I cheated instead?

Would that be viewed as somehow more "okay"?

Am I being overly simplistic here?

After all, ACE  does not equal "straight", necessarily.

 

 

Ace is ace, gay is gay, straight is straight.

The bottom line is, if you married someone who ‘discovers’ they are ace, they are a different sexual orientation to you.

If we want to argue ace should be considered a legitimate, stand alone sexuality (which is what most aces’s seem to want) then what comes with that is the responsibility of knowing that you are not likely to be compatible with someone of a different sexual orientation. Saying, you can’t have sex elsewhere because I don’t like that idea simply doesn’t wash because you’re offering no solution to the problem. 

Cheating is never a good thing but neither is being placed in a position where you have to cheat.

Asexual or sexual, you can’t remove someone’s right to have sex and then expect life long monogamy. That’s just ridiculous and very very selfish.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
3 minutes ago, James121 said:

Cheating is never a good thing but neither is being placed in a position where you have to cheat.

Asexual or sexual, you can’t remove someone’s right to have sex and then expect life long monogamy. That’s just ridiculous and very very selfish.

First of all, having sex is not a "right".  If it was, these past 11 pages wouldn't even exist.  To say that it's a "right"s smacks of entitlement.  No one is entitled to sex.  No one
"deserves" sex.  Period. End of story.  

 

Secondly, no one can place you in a position to cheat.  You cheat all on your own.  You have other options, and because of the cheater's selfish nature to want to have his/her cake and eat it too, they pretend as if those options either don't exist, or they're simply too horrible to deal with.  

 

If someone tells you that they don't want to have sex with you, you can leave.  You aren't being 'forced' to stay or 'forced' to cheat, and if you tried THAT crap on an infidelity board, you'd be eaten alive.  Even if you tried that in court, the judge wouldn't buy it.  

 

As long as you have the option to go, you get to exercise that option.  No amount of begging, pleading, pressure is going to 'force' YOU to stay, IF you don't want to stay!  

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
21 minutes ago, James121 said:

What’s unreasonable about sex?

Again, HOW much and WHAT KIND?  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

No, but in general, I'd default to doing it rather than insist on a detailed case being made each time and look for reasons not to do it.

Aren’t at least a few of the folks here saying that doing the thing that makes them happy (sex) isn’t enough because the ace’s motivation is not the right sort?

 

Or have I lost the plot and by “thing that makes them happy” are you meaning “open the marriage/go poly”?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...