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Mary Lambert

I think, my ACE husband has ruined sex for me?

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Mary Lambert

3 weeks ago I finally accepted that Asexuality was real and that my husband wasn't lying when he told me he was ACE/Bi. After 14 years of being ridiculed so that he could get out of it with me, I finally assumed he was gay and divorced him sexually for the last 15 months. Well when I finally realized that this asexual thing was real we got back together and had relations 2 times now. But to tell you the truth, I really am not too excited about it. I mean I am happy that he is happy that we are back, but sex with him is so wrong. Only way to describe it. But I have nothing to compare it with. He's the only one I have ever been with. Thoughts?

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alligator

well its great that he's happy, but are you happy? you need a relationship with a healthy sex life, and it sounds like neither of you are enjoying the sex you are having

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Bronztrooper

Seems to me that it's something you two should discuss at length until you come to a compromise.

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Philip027

This is pretty normal.  Sexuals often aren't satisfied with a partner willing to have sex with them; they want the other person to be connected with them and into it just as much as they are, which is something that's difficult for an asexual to reproduce.

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vega57
3 hours ago, Mary Lambert said:

3 weeks ago I finally accepted that Asexuality was real and that my husband wasn't lying when he told me he was ACE/Bi. After 14 years of being ridiculed so that he could get out of it with me, I finally assumed he was gay and divorced him sexually for the last 15 months. Well when I finally realized that this asexual thing was real we got back together and had relations 2 times now. But to tell you the truth, I really am not too excited about it. I mean I am happy that he is happy that we are back, but sex with him is so wrong. Only way to describe it. But I have nothing to compare it with. He's the only one I have ever been with. Thoughts?

I've seen this happen before.  Sometimes the sexual--no matter how sexual they are--will lose interest in having sex with their asexual partner.  

 

Because of the lack of desire from the sexual, it's almost as if the sexual has become...asexual...at least toward their current partner.  

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AussieIsAce

leave him and find someone who will enjoy having sex with you, someone who loves you like he loves you but can provide what you need. 

 

he is the one that is bring you down because he cant provide sex that youre interested in. so im sorry but cut him loose. 

 

as an asexual i find it hard to say that. but its true. 

 

leave him and get someone you are better suited for aye. good luck. 

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ripley
3 hours ago, AussieIsAce said:

leave him and find someone who will enjoy having sex with you, someone who loves you like he loves you but can provide what you need. 

I don’t think it’s as easy as that though :/

 

It’s all well and good saying leave the person - but there are often other factors in play such as family, what else the relationship provides that you are both happy with, is leaving really going to help fix things in the situation you’re in etc.. 

 

The best thing at this stage is to keep communicating - open communication is key and it might be hard for both to begin with, but the more you talk the more you understand one another and the easier it can sometimes be - and to really, think about what sex means for you (and what a choice you make would mean for your partner too). It can sometimes mean that being sexual holds more for you than being unhappy in a non sexual / sexual yet uncomfortable relationship, but since only those in the relationship can really say what means more the decision lies with them to consider what’s best. Neither of them should be sacrificing their happiness for the other, and if that is happening then you have to stop and think ‘okay, what will make me happy that’s realistic for both of us’. If that eventually comes to parting ways so be it, but it sounds to me like there’s still time and room for adjusting and understanding the husbands asexuality a little bit more before going to that extreme.

 

This probably isn’t overly helpful, I guess to sum up for OP what I mean is don’t jump into a big decision too soon unless you truly feel it’s what’s best / the only viable option for your situation.

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Telecaster68
6 hours ago, vega57 said:

Because of the lack of desire from the sexual, it's almost as if the sexual has become...asexual...at least toward their current partner.

No, they're just no longer attracted to that person. They'd probably love to have sex with someone who was into it.

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NapoliGirl
10 hours ago, Mary Lambert said:

But to tell you the truth, I really am not too excited about it. I mean I am happy that he is happy that we are back, but sex with him is so wrong. Only way to describe it. But I have nothing to compare it with. He's the only one I have ever been with. Thoughts?

I am going through the same thing now and have explicitly told hubby that sex is off the table.  I just can't!  There is no feeling quite like having sex with someone who desires you, I can assure you. How to describe it?  Hard to put into words (sorry, I'm one of those left-brained folks!)  But for me it's a certain connectedness that doesn't compare with any other experience.  Just to know and feel your partner desires you, and pair that with the physical aspect, it's awesome.  And for me, it's so painful emotionally now because I feel that lack so acutely.  I know that sounds lame, but, that's the best I can offer. 

As for figuring out what to do....as others have said here, although it is quite difficult now , sit with it for awhile.  The fact that at this point you are in flux suggests to me that you are on the fence, and that is a good thing (although it doesn't feel good!)  Talk to each other, Experiment with compromises.  As time goes on you will probably get to a point where you are firm in your decision as to what to do. 

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vega57
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

No, they're just no longer attracted to that person. They'd probably love to have sex with someone who was into it.

Not necessarily.  They may still be very attracted to them on other levels; just not sexually at that point.  

 

After all, how many sexuals claim to still love their partners, even if they're not having sex with them?  

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AussieIsAce
2 hours ago, ripley said:

I guess to sum up for OP what I mean is don’t jump into a big decision too soon unless you truly feel it’s what’s best / the only viable option for your situation.

i think you should jump. 

go and enjoy your life you shouldn't stay in a relationship this isnt fulfilling to you. 

 

you seem suffocated. 

 

yes its sad but you are going to be alright. 

 

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Telecaster68
24 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Not necessarily.  They may still be very attracted to them on other levels; just not sexually at that point.  

 

After all, how many sexuals claim to still love their partners, even if they're not having sex with them?  

My bad. I used the word 'attracted' in the sense that everyone outside AVEN uses the word. By definition, the scenario the OP uses, they're not sexually attracted.

 

I have no idea what your second point has to do with the first.

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vega57
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

My bad. I used the word 'attracted' in the sense that everyone outside AVEN uses the word. By definition, the scenario the OP uses, they're not sexually attracted.

 

I have no idea what your second point has to do with the first.

An asexual who isn't having sex with their partner can still be in love with their partner.  Just not on a sexual level.

And a sexual who isn't having sex with their partner can still be in love with their partner.  Just not on a sexual level. 

 

The asexual may never have desired their partner sexually (or anyone else for that matter).  But they still love their partner.  

The sexual may have once desired their partner sexually, but no longer does.  Doesn't necessarily mean that they no longer love their partner.  

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Telecaster68
Just now, vega57 said:

An asexual who isn't having sex with their partner can still be in love with their partner.  Just not on a sexual level.

And a sexual who isn't having sex with their partner can still be in love with their partner.  Just not on a sexual level. 

 

The asexual may never have desired their partner sexually (or anyone else for that matter).  But they still love their partner.  

The sexual may have once desired their partner sexually, but no longer does.  Doesn't necessarily mean that they no longer love their partner.  

But that wasn't what we were talking about.

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vega57
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

But that wasn't what we were talking about.

The point is, that the OP doesn't seem to have an interest in having sex with her partner right now.  It doesn't feel right to her.  Yet, she's said that she still loves her partner.  

All I was trying to point out is that what she's going through with her partner is how many asexuals feel with any partner. 

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Telecaster68

Well, sort of. But asexuals are perfectly fine not having sex with their partner, and sexuals aren't. So for a sexual, not having sex with their partner doesn't feel right, and having sex with their partner doesn't feel right. Catch 22.

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vega57
11 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So for a sexual, not having sex with their partner doesn't feel right, and having sex with their partner doesn't feel right. Catch 22.

Hence, what many asexuals go through as well. For an asexual, having sex with their partner may not feel 'right', nor does not having sex with their partner feel right.   

 

There's a certain irony there.  

 

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Telecaster68
Just now, vega57 said:

Hence, what many asexuals go through as well. For an asexual, having sex with their partner may not feel 'right', nor does not having sex with their partner feel right.   

True. But then, since ultimately asexuals control whether sex happens simply by saying 'no', asexuals get to remove that bit of their discomfort. Sexuals are don't get to do that.

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vega57
7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

True. But then, since ultimately asexuals control whether sex happens simply by saying 'no', asexuals get to remove that bit of their discomfort. Sexuals are don't get to do that.

ANYONE--sexual or asexual--"controls" sex when they say 'no' to sex.  

 

There are PLENTY of sexuals who say 'no' to sex.  Saying 'no' isn't a sexual vs. asexual thing.  

 

After all, are we all supposed to say 'yes' to sex just because someone wants it?

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Telecaster68
4 minutes ago, vega57 said:

ANYONE--sexual or asexual--"controls" sex when they say 'no' to sex.  

 

There are PLENTY of sexuals who say 'no' to sex.  Saying 'no' isn't a sexual vs. asexual thing.  

 

After all, are we all supposed to say 'yes' to sex just because someone wants it?

Whooosh.

 

Again.

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vega57
6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Whooosh.

 

Again.

LOL!!!  This is what you wrote:  

 

18 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

But then, since ultimately asexuals control whether sex happens simply by saying 'no', asexuals get to remove that bit of their discomfort. Sexuals are don't get to do that.

I tried to point out that it's not "asexuals" who "control" sex.  Sexuals do the same thing.  The person who doesn't want sex "control" when or IF sex will happen.  The lower sexed person--who may enjoy sex, but not as a 'steady diet'-- may control when sex occurs.  

 

Got nothing to do with being asexual or a Lower Desire sexual...or even a HIGH desire sexual who simply doesn't feel like having sex at that time.  

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Telecaster68

So which partner never actively wants sex in a mixed relationship? We weren't talking about enjoying. Whichever one it is gets their way.

 

And you're still avoiding my substantive point.

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vega57
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So which partner never actively wants sex in a mixed relationship? We weren't talking about enjoying. Whichever one it is gets their way.

It's not about "getting their way".  Sex isn't about ONE person "getting their way" over the other.  Sex is 'supposed' to be mutual.  If it isn't mutual, why would the person who wants sex want it with someone who doesn't?  

 

Quote

And you're still avoiding my substantive point

No, I'm not.  I already made my point quite clear.  

 

 

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Telecaster68
6 minutes ago, vega57 said:

It's not about "getting their way".  Sex isn't about ONE person "getting their way" over the other.

You're eliding two separate things, and yes, you are avoiding my substantive point. Sex itself isn't about 'getting their way', but control of what happens in a relationship is about who gets their way. In a good relationship, both get their way because they both want the same thing, or near enough, most of the time.

 

It takes two people to want sex for it to happen (short of rape, clearly). Both have to want it. The one who doesn't want it, doesn't have it, regardless of the one who does. This doesn't work the other way round: the one who wants it only gets if the other one wants it. So the one who doesn't want it gets their way.

Person A doesn't want it. Person B doesn't want it = No sex.

Person A does want it. Person B doesn't want it = No sex.

Person A doesn't want it. Person B does want it = No sex.

Person A does want it. Person B does want it = Sex.

Because getting their way sexually or not would involve rape, the one who doesn't want sex gets their way. Always. In a healthy relationship between sexuals, each partner is probably going to be fairly equally on the 'yes' or 'no' side, which means in practice, control over when sex  happens is split equally, and feels fair. When one of them never wants something that the other frequently does, and the 'never' person always gets their way, there's an imbalance of control.

 

But anyway, my original point was this. I'll use short, unambiguous numbered points.

  1. The sexual feels conflicted about sex.
  2. The asexual feels conflicted about sex. 
  3. The sexual could leave the relationship to avoid this conflict.
  4. The asexual could leave the relationship to avoid this conflict.
  5. The sexual would prefer their relationship, generally speaking, involves sex. 
  6. The asexual would prefer their relationship, generally speaking, doesn't involve sex.
  7. The asexual can have a relationship without sex by saying 'no'.
  8. The sexual can't have a relationship with sex by saying 'yes'.

Which means:

  1. Both sides are conflicted about sex in the relationship
  2. Both sides could leave, to avoid this conflict

But if they choose not to:

  1. The asexual can say 'no' and not have sex, so they get what they want specifically on that point
  2. The sexual can't say 'yes' and have sex, so they can't get what they want specifically on that point

That's what I mean by an imbalance.

 

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Philip027

oh-my-god-not-this-shit-again.jpg

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

oh-my-god-not-this-shit-again.jpg

I'm going to do it in interpretive modern dance next time.

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Mary Lambert
1 hour ago, vega57 said:

The asexual may never have desired their partner sexually (or anyone else for that matter).  But they still love their partner.  

The sexual may have once desired their partner sexually, but no longer does.  Doesn't necessarily mean that they no longer love their partner.

I think this sums it up. I feel as if the ACE gets what they want in the relationship but the Allo needs a boyfriend/girlfriend. But the Allo's feel so much guilt in this. I know it will work its way out. I have crush / friend. He does not want to get involved as long as I am with my husband. I understand, but hope that either he get someone he loves (I feel he is waiting for me) or he and my husband both decide it is ok. The kids will be gone and hopefully it will be our little secret. But God has a way of changing plans so for now I wait. But I am not longer sad or angry. And I would never want to loose my husband. 

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uhtred

Mixed sexual / asexual relationships are really  miserable - I've got 30 years experience in one.   They are usually miserable for both parties, though it depends on the situation. 

 

If both are aware of the mismatch, then the sexual feels constantly frustrated and unloved, the asexual feels constantly pressured, and feels that they are only wanted for sex.   Depending on the situation, sometimes one or the other may think that their partner is badly broken. 

 

Sometimes the sexual hides their feelings.  Then the sexual is miserable - a misery compounded by their partner not recognizing it.  The asexual may be happy and think that the relationship is wonderful.  This is roughly where my wife an I are now.  I've given up telling her that I'm unhappy, this way at least one of us gets a happy life.  (of course maybe she feels the same and is miserable about the tiny amout of sex we are having).

 

Sometimes the asexual hides their feelings.  They have regular sex with the sexual and pretend to enjoy it.  The sexual may be happy, thinking that they have a great relationship.  The asexual is miserable because they feel constantly forced to do things they don't like. 

 

 

Its very  difficult to leave these relationships, because it feels "wrong" to leave someone "just because of sex".    The more you love someone, the more difficult it is to leave because you don't want to hurt them - even though you probably already are. 

 

If you are fairly young, then I think ending the relationship IS the right thing to do.  As you get older, its more difficult due to the fear of leaving your partner alone for the rest of their lives, and due to the long term attachments you form. 

 

 

 

 

 

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vega57
32 minutes ago, Mary Lambert said:

I think this sums it up. I feel as if the ACE gets what they want in the relationship but the Allo needs a boyfriend/girlfriend. But the Allo's feel so much guilt in this. I know it will work its way out. I have crush / friend. He does not want to get involved as long as I am with my husband. I understand, but hope that either he get someone he loves (I feel he is waiting for me) or he and my husband both decide it is ok. The kids will be gone and hopefully it will be our little secret. But God has a way of changing plans so for now I wait. But I am not longer sad or angry. And I would never want to loose my husband. 

Are you still in love with your husband?

Are you in love with your friend?

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Mary Lambert
10 hours ago, vega57 said:

Because of the lack of desire from the sexual, it's almost as if the sexual has become...asexual...at least toward their current partner.  

Yes, exactly

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