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how did you feel when your partner told you about being asexual


Dorien

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Hi, 

 

i'm pretty new here and i'm still trying to figure some things out, so i'm sorry if i ask questions that are already asked many times before.. :)

So I think i might be asexual homoromantic (but i'm not even sure yet) and i told my partner (who then told me she is demisexual). But reading different topics, raised a few questions to me that i think i can best ask to sexuals. 

 

1. When your parner told you that he/she doesn't feel sexual attraction at all, how did that make you feel? 

2. when/if your partner was asexual and told you this before having sex (as in it didn't happen yet in the relationship because you've just been together recently), did it kill a possible sexlife before even existing? 

 

These are two questions that are bothering me right now. I'm scared that i somehow damaged our relationship by bringing this topic up. 

Hope someone can help me out here :cake:

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well your partner is demisexual, so they would probably understand. but why do you feel like you killed your sex life? would you be able to have sex with them if they asked for it? because if you are dating someone who is sexual (demisexual in your case), you can still have sex with your partner if you aren't sex repulsed. a lot of asexual peeps still have sex to make their partners happy

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She does understand, so i'm really glad about that! but it doesn't really change my first question. You can understand something that someone tells you, but it can still make you feel something (like sad or hurt or.... ) about the fact that your partner doesn't feel any sexual attraction towards you. 

 

About the second one, fair point there. I am not sex repulsed and if she wanted to have sex i would give her that. I'm maybe more worried that it will in the end maybe kill the relationship as well. 

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5 minutes ago, Dorien said:

She does understand, so i'm really glad about that! but it doesn't really change my first question. You can understand something that someone tells you, but it can still make you feel something (like sad or hurt or.... ) about the fact that your partner doesn't feel any sexual attraction towards you. 

 

About the second one, fair point there. I am not sex repulsed and if she wanted to have sex i would give her that. I'm maybe more worried that it will in the end maybe kill the relationship as well. 

i don't think you have anything to worry about. your partner might be sad for a little bit, but just remember that you love people differently. you may not be in love with them sexually, but you're love them for their personality and kind heart. your partner will notice these traits in you, and it won't even matter that you're asexual to them.

im in a relationship with a sexual partner as well, so i know how hard it can be sometimes. just know if both sides want to make it work, you'll both find a way.   

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On 10/4/2018 at 10:22 PM, alligator said:

well your partner is demisexual, so they would probably understand. but why do you feel like you killed your sex life? would you be able to have sex with them if they asked for it? because if you are dating someone who is sexual (demisexual in your case), you can still have sex with your partner if you aren't sex repulsed. a lot of asexual peeps still have sex to make their partners happy

...and some find aspects of sex which they enjoy. Some like it, but never needs it and could easily do without. Some just never gets turned on, but can enjoy the stimulation. The ace-ness is about not desiring sex. No innate desire. The rest is colouring. Prhaps ranging from feeling anxiety/repulsion towards anything remotely connected to sex to really enjoying it, but still never needing it.

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The Gnat (Natalie)
On 4/13/2018 at 4:06 PM, MrDane said:

...and some find aspects of sex which they enjoy. Some like it, but never needs it and could easily do without. Some just never gets turned on, but can enjoy the stimulation. The ace-ness is about not desiring sex. No innate desire. The rest is colouring. Prhaps ranging from feeling anxiety/repulsion towards anything remotely connected to sex to really enjoying it, but still never needing it.

I think you're conflating sex drive/libido with asexuality. The idea of 'never needing it' is more about not having a sex drive. If you're ace, you might still have a libido/get aroused, you just aren't specifically attracted to anyone in particular.

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Well, not having an innate desire for partnered sex then? 

...and my point was that “ace” is not just one kind, but the definition still stands. 

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On 10.04.2018 at 11:12 PM, Dorien said:

1. When your parner told you that he/she doesn't feel sexual attraction at all, how did that make you feel? 

2. when/if your partner was asexual and told you this before having sex (as in it didn't happen yet in the relationship because you've just been together recently), did it kill a possible sexlife before even existing? 

Hello, @Dorien.

1. Well, it felt “right”. Many things about my partner just suddenly clicked and started making sense.

2. It’s very hard to kill a sex life of a sexual person (not sure about demi). It’s 2 years into our relationships, we’ve never had traditional sex, but on some secret level I’m still hoping he might want to have sex with me. If it doesn’t kill your relationship altogether, chances are the sexual partner will keep wishing for some form of sex. How they cope with this desire is everyone’s personal story – you can read many of them on this forum.

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Icebearpanda

1. For me it felt fine. I was somewhat familiar with what asexuality was from some friends and my work with LGBTQ+ communities (I identify as bisexual), and it just spurred me to educate myself on asexuality. It was never a bad thing or a "dealbreaker" or any of the other negative crap that people sometimes hear. So my partner is never going to think I'm sexy. Ok. They think I'm smart,  excellent, caring, and a good human. They listen to what I need and hear me and truly care and that is worth more to me than being wanted sexually right now. That all said, I still get pangs where I'd love for my partner to say I'm pretty/or they feel passion for me or other societally acceptable things that partners are supposed to say about each other, but when I weigh it out and in the scheme of things, it's minor. If it really starts bugging me I'll say something and we'll talk about it. 

2. My person and I have agreed that sex is not going to happen, and I'm ok with that, mainly because we have worked out an agreement that if/when I want to have sexy times with someone, we will talk about what that looks like, what we both need, and how we both want to handle it. I don't feel like it has hurt anything about our relationship and wanting sex hasn't come up yet, to be honest. I have some past experience with polaymory, and have friends with all different kinds of relationships and relationship experiences that I can turn turn to for help, so I feel good about it. If my partner wanted to have a big makeout session or try sex I wouldn't say no, but it's not something I feel like I'm missing out on either. 

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It’s never happened to me but this is what I would probably feel.

 

-Anger

-like I’d been cheated out of the last X number of years.

-like I’d been given some closure 

-like I could begin thinking about how I was going to move forward (either with or without her)

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13 hours ago, Icebearpanda said:

1. For me it felt fine. I was somewhat familiar with what asexuality was from some friends and my work with LGBTQ+ communities (I identify as bisexual), and it just spurred me to educate myself on asexuality. It was never a bad thing or a "dealbreaker" or any of the other negative crap that people sometimes hear. So my partner is never going to think I'm sexy. Ok. They think I'm smart,  excellent, caring, and a good human. They listen to what I need and hear me and truly care and that is worth more to me than being wanted sexually right now. That all said, I still get pangs where I'd love for my partner to say I'm pretty/or they feel passion for me or other societally acceptable things that partners are supposed to say about each other, but when I weigh it out and in the scheme of things, it's minor. If it really starts bugging me I'll say something and we'll talk about it. 

2. My person and I have agreed that sex is not going to happen, and I'm ok with that, mainly because we have worked out an agreement that if/when I want to have sexy times with someone, we will talk about what that looks like, what we both need, and how we both want to handle it. I don't feel like it has hurt anything about our relationship and wanting sex hasn't come up yet, to be honest. I have some past experience with polaymory, and have friends with all different kinds of relationships and relationship experiences that I can turn turn to for help, so I feel good about it. If my partner wanted to have a big makeout session or try sex I wouldn't say no, but it's not something I feel like I'm missing out on either. 

Thank you for your answer! Good to hear you can just work things out together :) 

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