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How do you make it work?


emcd

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31 minutes ago, uhtred said:

This is one of the things that makes it so difficult: having your asexual partner say / imply that your desire for sex is selfish / abnormal. That your are a [word for promiscuous woman], "old goat",  etc.  That "all you care about is sex".  That your sexual interests are perverted, etc etc. 

 

Often it isn't even said, but with someone you know deeply, you can tell how they feel. No matter how much you know logically that it is not unusual for people to have sexual interests - the person's who's opinion matters most seems to be saying the opposite.

I can’t speak for everyone else’s partners but I’ve not thought badly of mine for wanting sex/having sexual interests.  One was pretty uncaring (not just with regards to sex), and I wasn’t thrilled about that, but normally I see it like any other interest I may not share:  important to my partner, and something I should be understanding and considerate about.

 

I can see how there would be more room for misunderstood/awkward/potentially upsetting situations with someone who is sex-repulsed, though, because - like with phobias - reactions at that basic gut level are often too fast to suppress.  It would be easy to move from “that grosses [partner] out” to “I gross partner out” (or, conversely, to react in haste with “you know I hate that, how could you??” like you would if someone tossed a dead mouse at you).

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24 minutes ago, uhtred said:

This is one of the things that makes it so difficult: having your asexual partner say / imply that your desire for sex is selfish / abnormal. That your are a [word for promiscuous woman], "old goat",  etc.  That "all you care about is sex".  That your sexual interests are perverted, etc etc. 

 

Often it isn't even said, but with someone you know deeply, you can tell how they feel. No matter how much you know logically that it is not unusual for people to have sexual interests - the person's who's opinion matters most seems to be saying the opposite.

 

 

This is something I've dealt with many times.  It's very disarming, and it really makes you feel bad when it happens.  Particularly when you know that the desire you are sharing is maybe, what, 10% of what you've actually felt?  What do you do when even sharing that small amount of the whole leads to your partner telling you it's too much?  I'm come to realize that this more a defensive response by my wife, who may just be feeling overwhelmed *at that moment*.  I have to remind myself that she is feeling this desire 0% of the time, so she perceives even occasional intensity from me differently than it feels like in my head.  I don't ever think it's malicious, but as I said, it still can sting.

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42 minutes ago, Thor's Hammer said:

I'm come to realize that this more a defensive response by my wife, who may just be feeling overwhelmed *at that moment*.

This happens to me often, not just with sex-related things but with other surprises that (from my perspective) get dropped on me abruptly.  If I don’t get (again, from my perspective) adequate warning I will nearly always say no to something I might well be - on further thought - fine with.

 

My mind just goes naturally to all the reasons something won’t work.  It makes me great at my job but not so great at other things.

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