will123

Open Marriage Questions

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will123

The subject came to mind when I was thinking about a 'broken' friendship due to my asexuality. Looking back at what happened after what I've read here on AVEN, I wonder if I could have asked my female friend if she could've kept me in her circle of friends while she had a sexual partner.

 

I've read of married couples here where one of the persons is sexual, who is able to go outside of the marriage to satisfy their sexual desires. I have a couple of questions and I hope I don't appear to be prying. If you are in a marriage like this which partner suggested the arrangement, the asexual or sexual one? If you are the sexual partner do you have an 'arrangement' with a sole person for sexual interaction or meet a sex worker?

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QuantumEcho

I thought about the same thing you have, though i cannot offer any information. I find this thread interesting and will be following it.

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banana monkey

Apologies, i dont quite understand. If this was a friend ship why would her having a sexual (and likely romantic) partner be a problem? Wouldnt you expect her to have one? Why did she refuse to have you in her circle of friends whilst she had another sexual partner(s)? I just dont understand because as far as I see it, its none of my business who my friends have a sexual partners. I would expect them to have them and it doesnt really effect me as (as a friend) I dont really have any right to possession over them. (Sorry I dont mean to imply romantic partners should be possessive but I dont know how else to express what I mean. 

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will123

@banana monkey I dont really recall a lot of the conversation as it was over 15 years ago. We lived quite a distance apart so it wasn't a case of us bumping into each other in town.

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will123
2 hours ago, banana monkey said:

Apologies, i dont quite understand. If this was a friend ship why would her having a sexual (and likely romantic) partner be a problem? Wouldnt you expect her to have one? Why did she refuse to have you in her circle of friends whilst she had another sexual partner(s)? I just dont understand because as far as I see it, its none of my business who my friends have a sexual partners. I would expect them to have them and it doesnt really effect me as (as a friend) I dont really have any right to possession over them. (Sorry I dont mean to imply romantic partners should be possessive but I dont know how else to express what I mean. 

I'm pretty sure (naively maybe) that I was the only guy she was seeing. The issue of us being sexually active arose when the ex came back into the picture.

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Serran

A lot of people use poly, rather than open... cause open is hard to maintain (non-romantic sexual relationships, vs someone else they love and also have sex with). It's a good idea to decide on your boundaries around what type of relationship with others you'd be OK with. 

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will123

People please note that I'm just asking about the 'alternative' out of curiousity.

 

I'm not looking into how it would work in my situation.

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Toggie25

Me and my partner are poly and it works as it allows him to have a sexual relationship if he wants and me a non-sexual romantic relationship with a woman if I want to. As we are the main couple it works since we love each other without the pressure to "perform" for me.

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James121

I don’t understand! If you are in a relationship and one person is going off and sleeping with other people whilst the goes off and spends quality time with another person, what does that mean for you relationship? 

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Toggie25

We are still the main couple. Normally the other people are in a relationship or looking for a poly relationship themselves and everyone knows everyone so there will be no surprises. 

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will123
1 hour ago, Toggie25 said:

We are still the main couple. Normally the other people are in a relationship or looking for a poly relationship themselves and everyone knows everyone so there will be no surprises. 

OK. That helps answer my initial question. I was thinking that you and your partner/spouse more or less led separate/double lives and you each had no contact with the other 'participants' (for lack of a better term) in the arrangement. 

 

I hope my terminology isn't too far off as I don't have a lot of knowledge of the topic.

 

Thank you for taking the time to explain things.

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will123

I stand corrected, I have been exposed to a 'different' marriage if you want to call it that. I only remembered it after I had made my last post.

 

 When I was growing up, there was a couple (one of the originals like my parents) on my street that 'did their own thing' for vacations. They were a bit older than my parents and childless. 

 

One of my co-workers was at the S!@#$%^'s cottage one weekend. Apparently the woman accompanying Mr. S wasn't Mrs. S. I told him he shouldn't be shocked as my folks had made some comments back when I was a teen/early twentysomething.

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mzmolly65

Chiming in with very little experience and also to follow the thread.  I am the asexual? greysexual? (I don't know what I am yet) , my husband is sexual.  We have been talking about trying an open relationship but I'm not sure if it will work or not.  *I* brought up the idea, he isn't keen on it.  He wants to be able to have sex with me the way we did when we met and we are both struggling with the newness of my sexual identity.  I've never enjoyed having sex and learning about asexuality has sort of freed me.  Now that I understand myself more I feel ok saying I don't want to have sex, whereas before I always had sex because I felt obligated.  He feels hurt and betrayed and thinks I lied to him all these years but I try and explain it's exactly like someone gay being married, having children and then coming to terms with their homosexuality.  I'm offering him a compromise to try and keep our marriage together because we are really best friends.  I'm offering him the option to have sex outside the marriage.

 

We have yet to find him a sexual partner and I don't know if he can overcome his beliefs about sex in and out of a marriage.  I don't know how I'll feel if he actually finds a sex partner and has sex with someone else.  We both understand it's a risky proposition.

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will123
7 minutes ago, mzmolly65 said:

Chiming in with very little experience and also to follow the thread.  I am the asexual? greysexual? (I don't know what I am yet) , my husband is sexual.  We have been talking about trying an open relationship but I'm not sure if it will work or not.  *I* brought up the idea, he isn't keen on it.  He wants to be able to have sex with me the way we did when we met and we are both struggling with the newness of my sexual identity.  I've never enjoyed having sex and learning about asexuality has sort of freed me.  Now that I understand myself more I feel ok saying I don't want to have sex, whereas before I always had sex because I felt obligated.  He feels hurt and betrayed and thinks I lied to him all these years but I try and explain it's exactly like someone gay being married, having children and then coming to terms with their homosexuality.  I'm offering him a compromise to try and keep our marriage together because we are really best friends.  I'm offering him the option to have sex outside the marriage.

 

We have yet to find him a sexual partner and I don't know if he can overcome his beliefs about sex in and out of a marriage.  I don't know how I'll feel if he actually finds a sex partner and has sex with someone else.  We both understand it's a risky proposition.

Here's hoping that you and your husband can find a solution to your situation. 

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mzmolly65

Thank you Will123.  It's been a difficult time for us both.  He feels he's lost something .. but I never had it to lose.  However, I'm at risk of losing my marriage and my best friend and that's huge for me.

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will123
11 hours ago, mzmolly65 said:

Thank you Will123.  It's been a difficult time for us both.  He feels he's lost something .. but I never had it to lose.  However, I'm at risk of losing my marriage and my best friend and that's huge for me.

That's how I felt in this situation:

Quote

I wonder if I could have asked my female friend if she could've kept me in her circle of friends while she had a sexual partner.

My situation wasn't on the same level as your's but I was pretty upset in the aftermath nonetheless. I had never opened up to anyone before and knew I was losing a great friend :( .

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Nowhere Girl

I'm not really the right person to answer this question because I'm not in such an arrangement - not even in any relationship - but I have been considering it theoretically. I think I would be willing to suggest such an option myself. However, since I don't accept sex without commitment and wouldn't like to have a partner who has sex with an accidental person, if I had an allosexual partner I'd prefer her to have a "friend with benefits" - preferably a mutual friend. I can accept it when people have sex with someone for whom they have "only" friendly feelings, but not when people have sex with someone they meet exclusively for sex, without any other kind of bond.

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Toggie25
On 17/04/2018 at 5:37 AM, mzmolly65 said:

Chiming in with very little experience and also to follow the thread.  I am the asexual? greysexual? (I don't know what I am yet) , my husband is sexual.  We have been talking about trying an open relationship but I'm not sure if it will work or not.  *I* brought up the idea, he isn't keen on it.  He wants to be able to have sex with me the way we did when we met and we are both struggling with the newness of my sexual identity.  I've never enjoyed having sex and learning about asexuality has sort of freed me.  Now that I understand myself more I feel ok saying I don't want to have sex, whereas before I always had sex because I felt obligated.  He feels hurt and betrayed and thinks I lied to him all these years but I try and explain it's exactly like someone gay being married, having children and then coming to terms with their homosexuality.  I'm offering him a compromise to try and keep our marriage together because we are really best friends.  I'm offering him the option to have sex outside the marriage.

 

We have yet to find him a sexual partner and I don't know if he can overcome his beliefs about sex in and out of a marriage.  I don't know how I'll feel if he actually finds a sex partner and has sex with someone else.  We both understand it's a risky proposition.

I was the one to bring it up for me and my partner. As I have never been able to have sex due to my lack of sexual desire as well as other biological reasons it was me who brought it up. My partner was the one who suggested other means to have sex like BDSM but even that felt like a chore. I like him having someone to have sex with as I feel it is my fault he doesn't and I cannot force myself to do it so I came up with it as a compromise. I still think it is for the best as it allows me to meet women and explore the aspect of myself I was scared to. I think you have to find out what is best for you both since my partner is my bestfriend and I was scared to lose him. 

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