warta

how does it happen with demisexuals?

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warta

How your sexual attraction begins?

Is it step by step?

I mean first you get close to the person then you dont have a problem hugging and kissing them then after a while you are happy to cuddle with them (but still disgusted by sex with them)then after a while it becomes sexual little by little ..

Or does happen like a switch

Suddenly you want sex with that person after a close emotional connection?

You see i think my girlfriend is demi

She always tell me that sex with someone other than me is disgusting

Even when she is single it was like that..and she has never been attracted to someone sexually in her life and before we were together she used to get aroused by the act of sex but not with someone (just the thought of penetration and being penetrated)

I honestly always thought she was maybe lying to me (or to herself) because i thought she said so because she knows i am very insecure ..until i found out about demisexuals and find out that it is possible for someone to be like that

But the problem is the experience of demisexuals on the internet is not very compatible with what i think happened with us

She never was suddenly attracted sexualy to me ,it happened naturally little by little the intimacy became sexual 

So this is why i sometime think she is lying to me

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roland.o

I don't think there's just one way in which it happens.

 

For me, I didn't get close to the person. Hadn't seen her in years, actually. I met her only three times in person, but I couldn't forget her either. And then, quite suddenly, I started having thoughts I never had before.

 

When I re-established contact, I had to reconcile the idea of the person in my head with the person she actually is. Or rather, abandon the person in my head in order to get to know the person in real life. That was a completely different thing from fantasies. And figuring out real feelings from fantasies is a really hard thing to do, for me at least. In real life, it's more like "yes, I'd like to connect with you on a physical level, if you'd be interested and don't mind my lack of experience". Not a strong urge, so far at least.

 

5 hours ago, warta said:

She never was suddenly attracted sexualy to me ,it happened naturally little by little the intimacy became sexual

Well, that's what I read from other demisexuals, too. And isn't it to be expected? A bond forms slowly, usually. As the bond grows, the desire to be close to the partner, also on a physical level, grows. And when the partner retires emotionally, the bond weakens, and the desire fades away.

 

5 hours ago, warta said:

But the problem is the experience of demisexuals on the internet is not very compatible with what i think happened with us

Everyone can claim to be demisexual. And everyone can mean something different by it. I suggest you worry less about other people, and more about how your partner feels. If the words she uses don't express what you would expect, ask her to explain what she means with different words, or adjust your expectations - instead of suspecting her to lie to you.

 

Meanwhile... have some cake :cake::D

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Marlow1

My partner is a sexual person, she uses fantasy a lot in regards to her sexuality, she says her imagination plays a massive role in regards to her high level if sexual attraction to certain men

 

https://veilofreality.com/is-it-love-or-is-it-projection/

 

She can very easily become attracted to a guy that fits her ideal. In regards to our relationship, because she is deeply in love with me, she immediately removes herself from any situation where she feels temptation is brewing

 

My experience is totally different.  I am totally blind in my minds eye and so I cannot visualise anybody in my mind. I also cannot hear them speak, nor feel their touch, nor smell or taste them etc. I cannot imagine what my ideal person would be like and I cannot just look at a person and think 'WOW I could bang that'. Attraction just cannot happen for me in this way. I have to get to know somebody really well. I have to really like them, in fact be in love with them, and the only way I can be in love with them is if many many of their characteristics, add up to what is actually my ideal.

 

Though there is no way for me to explain what my ideal is, I do not know what it is beforehand, I only know now, now that I have it. I now have the picture, so to speak, but I still cannot see her in my mind. I just know she is the one for me and I can be attracted to her because the person that she is grew inside of me over time.

 

http://www.news.com.au/technology/science/human-body/aphantasia-the-condition-of-being-blind-in-the-mind/news-story/c5f429164c04942b5470c5d214d6c037

 

I cannot, and am not attracted to anybody else other than my partner. I am only attracted to her because she has many attributes that make her attractive to me. She is physically beautiful, but that really is not it, it is her soul, her inner beauty that I think about when she is not with me. It is her love for me too that massively draws me towards her, we are soul mates.

 

I have mentioned here before that our relationship was rocked heavily, mainly because my partner, who had never heard of Demisexuality before (and me neither) could not believe that I was not sexually attracted to other women. Me, I had zero idea that when people are in love like she and I are, that the other person can be sexually attracted to other people. I still cannot figure this????? But apparently it is true, and not just true of my very sexual vibrant partner but of most people I am told

 

Anyway, although all this craziness did almost rip us apart, literally so, almost did!! Now we know what is going on our relationship is stronger than ever. It really is a blessing to know about these things. It is the folk that are still in the dark that suffer most. It is a nightmare for a couple that does not know about how the other perceives things. My partner and I, we know we are blessed. Honestly, the nightmare before we new, I would not want to see anybody I care about, not even my worst enemy, go through all that. It was debilitating for both of us. But now we know, we both see we actually have something special!

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noparlpf

For me it's kind of a gradual progression, but it takes me a while to notice so there's kind of a sudden realisation, like "oh, that's what's going on with me lately." But like everything it probably varies from person to person.

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PhoenixSoulstice
On 4/5/2018 at 10:09 AM, warta said:

How your sexual attraction begins?

Is it step by step?

I mean first you get close to the person then you dont have a problem hugging and kissing them then after a while you are happy to cuddle with them (but still disgusted by sex with them)then after a while it becomes sexual little by little ..

Or does happen like a switch

Suddenly you want sex with that person after a close emotional connection?

You see i think my girlfriend is demi

She always tell me that sex with someone other than me is disgusting

Even when she is single it was like that..and she has never been attracted to someone sexually in her life and before we were together she used to get aroused by the act of sex but not with someone (just the thought of penetration and being penetrated)

I honestly always thought she was maybe lying to me (or to herself) because i thought she said so because she knows i am very insecure ..until i found out about demisexuals and find out that it is possible for someone to be like that

But the problem is the experience of demisexuals on the internet is not very compatible with what i think happened with us

She never was suddenly attracted sexualy to me ,it happened naturally little by little the intimacy became sexual 

So this is why i sometime think she is lying to me

I was always attracted to the idea of a connection so intense that i desired to be physical with someone, but even when i started having sex, I only ever really wanted it to be with someone i knew, connected with, and trusted. I learned that about myself over time. I develop really close and intense relationships with certain people to the point that thinking about them a certain way is sexually arousing and attractive. I speak very sexual and i have thoughts but it doesn’t mean I actually want to or will have sex with them. I only want to really have sex with the person I am with. I always thought I was different or wrong for it until I started learning about human sexuality and I realized other people do have little to no sex drive and it’s not anything broken or wrong, but simply the mental, emotional, and sensual stimuli gave me sexual attraction. She isn’t lying but sometimes it’s just hard to realize in such a sexualized world that there is a spectrum of people within the asexual community too. Let her find her identity. She sounds like she may be demisexual but it’s not my place to label her. Hope this helps!

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Dia Nicole

For me it was really slow I guess but felt very sudden. I have only felt sexual attraction to one person. We were friends for years (although we lost contact and had only been back in each others lives a year before we started dating) and dated for 2 1/2. But I didn't feel sexual attraction to him until the last six months we were dating. Just weeks before I started having sexual feelings for him I had finally come to terms with the fact I was probably asexual. So, when I felt sexual attraction to him for the first it was out of no where. 

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writkit

For me, sexual attraction seems to go the way that kissing did.  Let me explain.

I didn’t get kissing.  It’s literally two people putting their lips together.  I know it has evolutionary benefits—saliva exchange is an excellent way for bodies to vet potential mates—but I had no idea what/why it was fun.  I had a feeling I’d get over it someday though, because... well IDK.  I hoped, I guess.

 

Fast forward to meeting the first person I fell in love with.  I wasn’t down for kissing at first.  When we started dating, we tried it.  It was just as I said.  Dry lips.  Touching.  Why.  The first month.... Not really a fan.  Third month, okay.  Five months in? Yes, please!

 

It wasn’t all at once.  We started with closed mouth kisses and moved to other kinds, and it was pretty much a level-up-as-we-go sort of thing.  I had to get used to one kind of kiss before I could work on the next, and it increased in intensity.

 

TL;DR: Basically, 1.) leveling up affection with partner and 2.) unlocking intimacy skills is gradual.  Skills are not visible until sufficient affection is reached, and require leveling themselves in order to gain desired results.

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Mychemicalginger

For me, it's a very gradual thing. Like I've only felt full on sexual attraction once to a guy I dated in my teens who I was convinced I was going to marry at the time. Recently I haven't dated anybody long enough for it to happen (and for me it does HAVE to be with somebody I'm in a relationship with, otherwise it feels weird to think about even kissing them, like I need to feel like they'd be okay with me kissing them before I feel I can do it, even in a fantasy scenario I'm like 'yeaah but they haven't expressed interest IRL so it's weird') 

 

But I noticed with the last few guys I dated I did get to a point where I was like 'I can kind of see how I may at some point develop

sexual attraction and want to sleep with them...' it will start of like 'I'm having a conversation that makes me want to know them better' and then I talk to them more and more and the crush starts, but it's like 'I'd be okay holding hands with them but kissing is weird' and that's usually where I'm at when the first date happens and I've always been talking to them for at least a couple weeks before the date happens, I kissed a guy on the first date once but I had known him a little bit longer, the romantic connection was a lot stronger and he kind of suprised me with it, like he started leaning in and I went 'ah screw it' and let him but until that point I hadn't even considered it. 

 

And then I like looking at them more, cuddling more, kisses turn into full-on make-out sessions and I start thinking 'I can see how this attraction could turn sexual now...' and that's as far as I've gotten recently.

 

Quote
12 hours ago, writkit said:

Basically, 1.) leveling up affection with partner and 2.) unlocking intimacy skills is gradual. Skills are not visible until sufficient affection is reached, and require leveling themselves in order to gain desired results.

3

 

 

I used that description on one guy I dated! He was getting a bit frustrated about it (one of the early signs it was never going to work) and I said "you know how in video games as you level up and build up relationships with characters you unlock new traits and perks? Well, that's what sex is like with me. And you have to have a really high approval rating."

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Deus Ex Infinity
On 4/5/2018 at 4:09 PM, warta said:

How your sexual attraction begins?

Is it step by step?

I mean first you get close to the person then you dont have a problem hugging and kissing them then after a while you are happy to cuddle with them (but still disgusted by sex with them)then after a while it becomes sexual little by little ..

 

Or does happen like a switch

Suddenly you want sex with that person after a close emotional connection?

I guess it's ..somewhere inbetween but it always takes a very very long time for me to become physical intimate with someone, so it feels like a slow but gradual process at the end.

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roland.o
On 6/22/2018 at 12:08 AM, Mychemicalginger said:

I said "you know how in video games as you level up and build up relationships with characters you unlock new traits and perks? Well, that's what sex is like with me. And you have to have a really high approval rating."

That analogy is fantastic! Simply liking your post wouldn't have been enough, I need to quote it :D:cake:

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