blacknbrown

Not sure if gray, bi or just homosexual

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blacknbrown

I'm a 26 year old female who recently started identifying as biromantic (or maybe even panromantic), but not sure how to identify sexually. For most my life I've identified as heterosexual (and hetero-romantic) until almost a year ago when I dated a woman. While going out with her, she told me that she thinks I fall somewhere on the ace-spectrum, something I'd never even considered until she said it. But when I think about it, some things do make sense and a lot of things I read on these forums do ring true to me. It's made me think that maybe I'm gray. Although sometimes I still get confused...even to the point where maybe I think I'm just homosexual (but still biromantic). Sorry if this is long! I'll elaborate:

 

I've a number of casual sexual encounters, and 3 serious romantic relationships (2 men 1 woman) . Having said that, I rarely ever experience "sexual attraction"...I'm still not sure if I understand the concept. Even with my partners, I found them aesthetically attractive, I didn't experience sexual attraction to them in the way that I understand it now. I do find a lot of men and women aesthetically appealing, especially women. Most of my life, if I saw a cute guy on the street I would think, "I'd go out with him" or "I'd like to get to know him" and never "I'd hit that." With women, I just think "wow she's pretty" and usually it's more of an admiration thing than an attraction thing. But in the past few weeks or so, I've found a few women (2 women) sexually (or sensually?) attractive. This is something that I really don't experience with men at all. But I've had a lot of crushes on men and only once so far have I had romantic feelings toward a woman.

 

I would say I have a pretty low sex drive. Though it comes in waves...like once a year I go through a short period in which I have a really high sex drive. When that happens, I get particularly aroused by the sight of women's bodies. Men's bodies do not arouse me nearly as much as women's bodies do....this is something that I've always known but kind of repressed due to my history of strong romantic feelings for males, therefore automatically thinking of myself as hetero. It's weird though because, while I don't get aroused by the sight of people, I do get really aroused by physical contact. It is relatively easy for me to orgasm if I'm touched in the right places. I also do enjoy sex more with women than with men (though I've only had sex with one woman so far). Having said that....

 

In relationships I've always kind of dreaded sex. With men or women. In the beginning I kind of look forward to it, but it fades, quickly. Sure, all my buttons work and it can be enjoyable, but I don't really feel that sex is necessary in relationships. I kind of just do it for their pleasure. But I do like making out and touching a lot. So I guess when this happens the partner interprets it as a lead up to sex, but in my mind I'm just like "ugh." 

 

Growing up I've always felt like sort of an "outlier" when it came to romantic/sexual relationships. For a while I thought something was wrong with me. I never dated anyone in high school, never even kissed anyone until halfway through my first year of college. Though the desire to have a romantic partner was always there. Like I said before, I've had a lot of crushes on males, usually they were always male friends that developed into crushes (this still happens in adulthood too). Also growing up I had antiquated ideas about sex (I sex shamed a lot and put virginity on a really high pedestal) and wanted to wait till marriage, but I grew out of that once I got to college (at 18). Still though, I didn't really have like a desire to have sex. The first time time I had sex (at 20) it was very casual and I mostly did it to "rip the bandaid off" and feel more like a "normal" person. I went through a phase of these sort of casual encounters with men my last year of college, not because I was actually looking for sex or because I was sexually attracted to these dudes, moreso because of this desire to be "normal" and also to break out of the ideas I had about sex growing up (that it's "shameful" etc etc). After that phase I went two years without sex (until I met my exbf). Not intentionally abstaining or anything, but just not looking...and during this period I kinda felt like my "normal" self again, a person who's just not that interested in sex but no longer sees it as this "shameful" thing. But even at that point asexuality had never crossed my mind. 

 

Anyways, sorry this turned out kind of long! To sum it up, the reason why I'm confused is because this sort of disinterest with sex has occurred mostly with men (since I'd considered myself hetero most my life). I'm not sure if this disinterest in sex/lack of sexual attraction is a thing just with men or with people in general. Like I said, I do enjoy sex more with women but I still dreaded sex  (for the most part) when I was in the relationship with her. Though right now I'm in my period of high sex drive (haha) and have considered looking for casual encounters with women, and casual sexual encounters is something I haven't looked for in years now. I do still feel romantic attraction to men. I dunno if I'm just gray-a with a sexual preference toward women? Or if I really am homosexual but that side of me just hasn't developed yet. If anyone reads this, I'd love to hear any insight!

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Unoriginal

Hey! before I offer some hopefully helpful advice , I just wanna say welcome to the forums! It's a courtesy thing to offer pictures of cake, so enjoy!!!

Image result for cake

Im not a lesbian and totally disinterested in sex in general so im probs not the best to give advice

 

But you do seem to fall somewhere on the grey-sexual scale, because of your fluctuating libido

 

Still! you know yourself better than i do

 

Some people dont like labels and that's chill, but if youre like me and really wanna put a stamp on who you are as a person, i recommend researching some terms? When it comes to the lgbt community there's always something you don't know, and you may even find out something new about yourself!

 

if you want a nice starting point i'd recommend the youtube series "The abc's of lgbt" by ash hardell

 

regardless, welcome to the forums, and good luck on finding an identity!!!

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Baam

You can be both grey-sexual and homosexual - it's called grey-homosexual (which is what I identify as).

 

It's possible that it was just that you weren't sexually attracted to your previous girlfriend yet still are capable of sexual attraction. It could be that you only experience attraction very rarely. Or it could be that you will never experience sexual attraction (and never have?).

 

Having a libido - the desire for sexual activity - is different from experiencing sexual attraction wherein you desire to partake in sexual activities with another person(s). If you've never desired to have partnered sex and perhaps are happy to never have sex, then you're likely asexual. If you feel as though you've never experienced sexual attraction/desire before but have the potential to, it's possible you could be grey-sexual.

 

It's fine if you decide that asexual or grey-sexual is a label that describes you well now and that changes in the future. You're under any obligation to lock yourself into identifying in any way.

 

Also, it's perfectly normal for anyone to get aroused by physical contact - that's a biological response. It generally does not always indicate attraction.

 

I can't tell you what you are, but my advice is to just pick a label that describes you the best. You don't have to fit dead centre into a box; if it helps you to describe yourself, use it.

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Unoriginal
11 minutes ago, Baam said:

Also, it's perfectly normal for anyone to get aroused by physical contact - that's a biological response. It generally does not always indicate attraction.

Oh yeah! i forgot to hit on this point, but getting aroused by contact has nothing to do with your sexuality, it's naturally human

 

dark metaphor, but i feel like it really gets the point across:

 

If someone orgasms while being raped, does that mean they like getting raped?

 

Also if you answered yes to that please leave this reality

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blacknbrown
27 minutes ago, Unoriginal said:

Hey! before I offer some hopefully helpful advice , I just wanna say welcome to the forums! It's a courtesy thing to offer pictures of cake, so enjoy!!!

Image result for cake

Im not a lesbian and totally disinterested in sex in general so im probs not the best to give advice

 

But you do seem to fall somewhere on the grey-sexual scale, because of your fluctuating libido

 

Still! you know yourself better than i do

 

Some people dont like labels and that's chill, but if youre like me and really wanna put a stamp on who you are as a person, i recommend researching some terms? When it comes to the lgbt community there's always something you don't know, and you may even find out something new about yourself!

 

if you want a nice starting point i'd recommend the youtube series "The abc's of lgbt" by ash hardell

 

regardless, welcome to the forums, and good luck on finding an identity!!!

Awww, thank you!! The cake is so sweet. <3 And it's true..I guess right now I feel a little lost so finding a label or a stamp would be nice, hehe. I will definitely check out that Youtube series!

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blacknbrown
2 minutes ago, Unoriginal said:

Oh yeah! i forgot to hit on this point, but getting aroused by contact has nothing to do with your sexuality, it's naturally human

 

dark metaphor, but i feel like it really gets the point across:

 

If someone orgasms while being raped, does that mean they like getting raped?

 

Also if you answered yes to that please leave this reality

Wow, yes dark, but it does get the point across. Of course the answer would be no!

 

But yes, I'm starting to understand the distinction. 

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blacknbrown
1 hour ago, Baam said:

You can be both grey-sexual and homosexual - it's called grey-homosexual (which is what I identify as).

 

It's possible that it was just that you weren't sexually attracted to your previous girlfriend yet still are capable of sexual attraction. It could be that you only experience attraction very rarely. Or it could be that you will never experience sexual attraction (and never have?).

 

Having a libido - the desire for sexual activity - is different from experiencing sexual attraction wherein you desire to partake in sexual activities with another person(s). If you've never desired to have partnered sex and perhaps are happy to never have sex, then you're likely asexual. If you feel as though you've never experienced sexual attraction/desire before but have the potential to, it's possible you could be grey-sexual.

 

It's fine if you decide that asexual or grey-sexual is a label that describes you well now and that changes in the future. You're under any obligation to lock yourself into identifying in any way.

 

Also, it's perfectly normal for anyone to get aroused by physical contact - that's a biological response. It generally does not always indicate attraction.

 

I can't tell you what you are, but my advice is to just pick a label that describes you the best. You don't have to fit dead centre into a box; if it helps you to describe yourself, use it.

Thanks for your response!

 

"It's fine if you decide that asexual or grey-sexual is a label that describes you well now and that changes in the future. You're under any obligation to lock yourself into identifying in any way."

 

True, sexuality is fluid and so that applies to asexuality too! Hadn't thought about it that way before. This helps alot.

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roland.o
1 hour ago, blacknbrown said:

I do get really aroused by physical contact.

You might want to read up on "responsive sexual desire", to put that experience into context. Of course there's a difference between being aroused and desiring a partner. You're in the best position to make the distinction. I just wanted to add something less dark here :D:cake:

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blacknbrown
16 hours ago, roland.o said:

You might want to read up on "responsive sexual desire", to put that experience into context. Of course there's a difference between being aroused and desiring a partner. You're in the best position to make the distinction. I just wanted to add something less dark here :D:cake:

Thank you!! I hadn't looked that up before. Will do now.

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PhoenixSoulstice
On 4/4/2018 at 3:12 PM, blacknbrown said:

I'm a 26 year old female who recently started identifying as biromantic (or maybe even panromantic), but not sure how to identify sexually. For most my life I've identified as heterosexual (and hetero-romantic) until almost a year ago when I dated a woman. While going out with her, she told me that she thinks I fall somewhere on the ace-spectrum, something I'd never even considered until she said it. But when I think about it, some things do make sense and a lot of things I read on these forums do ring true to me. It's made me think that maybe I'm gray. Although sometimes I still get confused...even to the point where maybe I think I'm just homosexual (but still biromantic). Sorry if this is long! I'll elaborate:

 

I've a number of casual sexual encounters, and 3 serious romantic relationships (2 men 1 woman) . Having said that, I rarely ever experience "sexual attraction"...I'm still not sure if I understand the concept. Even with my partners, I found them aesthetically attractive, I didn't experience sexual attraction to them in the way that I understand it now. I do find a lot of men and women aesthetically appealing, especially women. Most of my life, if I saw a cute guy on the street I would think, "I'd go out with him" or "I'd like to get to know him" and never "I'd hit that." With women, I just think "wow she's pretty" and usually it's more of an admiration thing than an attraction thing. But in the past few weeks or so, I've found a few women (2 women) sexually (or sensually?) attractive. This is something that I really don't experience with men at all. But I've had a lot of crushes on men and only once so far have I had romantic feelings toward a woman.

 

I would say I have a pretty low sex drive. Though it comes in waves...like once a year I go through a short period in which I have a really high sex drive. When that happens, I get particularly aroused by the sight of women's bodies. Men's bodies do not arouse me nearly as much as women's bodies do....this is something that I've always known but kind of repressed due to my history of strong romantic feelings for males, therefore automatically thinking of myself as hetero. It's weird though because, while I don't get aroused by the sight of people, I do get really aroused by physical contact. It is relatively easy for me to orgasm if I'm touched in the right places. I also do enjoy sex more with women than with men (though I've only had sex with one woman so far). Having said that....

 

In relationships I've always kind of dreaded sex. With men or women. In the beginning I kind of look forward to it, but it fades, quickly. Sure, all my buttons work and it can be enjoyable, but I don't really feel that sex is necessary in relationships. I kind of just do it for their pleasure. But I do like making out and touching a lot. So I guess when this happens the partner interprets it as a lead up to sex, but in my mind I'm just like "ugh." 

 

Growing up I've always felt like sort of an "outlier" when it came to romantic/sexual relationships. For a while I thought something was wrong with me. I never dated anyone in high school, never even kissed anyone until halfway through my first year of college. Though the desire to have a romantic partner was always there. Like I said before, I've had a lot of crushes on males, usually they were always male friends that developed into crushes (this still happens in adulthood too). Also growing up I had antiquated ideas about sex (I sex shamed a lot and put virginity on a really high pedestal) and wanted to wait till marriage, but I grew out of that once I got to college (at 18). Still though, I didn't really have like a desire to have sex. The first time time I had sex (at 20) it was very casual and I mostly did it to "rip the bandaid off" and feel more like a "normal" person. I went through a phase of these sort of casual encounters with men my last year of college, not because I was actually looking for sex or because I was sexually attracted to these dudes, moreso because of this desire to be "normal" and also to break out of the ideas I had about sex growing up (that it's "shameful" etc etc). After that phase I went two years without sex (until I met my exbf). Not intentionally abstaining or anything, but just not looking...and during this period I kinda felt like my "normal" self again, a person who's just not that interested in sex but no longer sees it as this "shameful" thing. But even at that point asexuality had never crossed my mind. 

 

Anyways, sorry this turned out kind of long! To sum it up, the reason why I'm confused is because this sort of disinterest with sex has occurred mostly with men (since I'd considered myself hetero most my life). I'm not sure if this disinterest in sex/lack of sexual attraction is a thing just with men or with people in general. Like I said, I do enjoy sex more with women but I still dreaded sex  (for the most part) when I was in the relationship with her. Though right now I'm in my period of high sex drive (haha) and have considered looking for casual encounters with women, and casual sexual encounters is something I haven't looked for in years now. I do still feel romantic attraction to men. I dunno if I'm just gray-a with a sexual preference toward women? Or if I really am homosexual but that side of me just hasn't developed yet. If anyone reads this, I'd love to hear any insight!

Hey love! I just want to thank you for this post. Everything you have written here is my normal and I always felt weird or out of place for that. My sex drive only gets high like once a month and when I want it, I will satisfy it or self resolve without touch. But the that’s the tricky part about my life and this type of sexual identity. Your arousal can be high, but your sex drive is low, random peaks may occur but the idea of sex is more satisfying than the act because the connection is what “gets you off”. I don’t dread sex but there is little interest. If i have no connection with the person, i wont be satisfied. I actually hate sex past 10 minutes unless i have a love for the person. One night stands make you feel shameful and feel unnatural. Everything you have described is exactly what iv’e gone through. Having sex won’t make you “normal”. You are living your normal. The peaks are okay. The low drive is okay. As a person on the same exact wave as you I personally identify as A Demi-Bisexual mainly Gay Bi-Romantic Androgynous Cisgender female. Demisexual because I discovered I get turned on by my connections more than sexual interactions and my sex drive is slim to none with random peaks but sex isn’t that important to me in a relationship. It’s a way to express the intensity of my connection. Bisexual because the slight sexual side i do have in the gray-A(Demi) community, doesn’t see gender out the gate. I am sexually able to connect with both as long as I have a strong connection. Mainly Gay because my ratio is 90/10 and i don’t identify with the word lesbian. Bi romantic because I connect with both male and females in romantic ways but i know my ratio meaning i connect with women more and easier. Androgynous in my gender expression because my masculine and feminine are 50/50. I dress for comfort. I will wear a sexy dress and the next day wear a men’s 3 piece suit with dress shoes and a tie. Nevertheless I was born and identify as female. I know that’s a lot but hopefully you don’t feel weird, alone, or awkward for your normal. Sexuality is fluid and should be explored. In all honesty you can identify as Gray-Bisexual or Gray-Homosexual. It’s your choice to label or not. To me you sound Gray for sure due to the decreased sex drive but with peaks. The dread or lack of interest doesn’t sound gender exclusive. You definitely sound Bi-romantic because you connect with both. Until you know if you are homosexual or not but would still like a label, simply say Gray-Ace Bi-Romantic. Once you search through your sexual being then label more in depth. I wish you the best love!

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Deus Ex Infinity
On 4.4.2018 at 9:31 PM, Unoriginal said:

Hey! before I offer some hopefully helpful advice , I just wanna say welcome to the forums! It's a courtesy thing to offer pictures of cake, so enjoy!!!

Image result for cake

But you do seem to fall somewhere on the grey-sexual scale, because of your fluctuating libido

 

Still! you know yourself better than i do

 

Some people dont like labels and that's chill, but if youre like me and really wanna put a stamp on who you are as a person, i recommend researching some terms? When it comes to the lgbt community there's always something you don't know, and you may even find out something new about yourself!

 

if you want a nice starting point i'd recommend the youtube series "The abc's of lgbt" by ash hardell

 

regardless, welcome to the forums, and good luck on finding an identity!!!

Quote

To me you sound Gray for sure due to the decreased sex drive but with peaks

 

Hey there BlacknBrown:)

 

I'm homoflexible-demigreysexual. It sounds as if you might be somewhere on there grey spectrum to me but only you can decide which label might fit you best. There's nothing wrong with occasional encounters. It might offer you a possibility to experiment and explore your sexual preference further more without any pressure. There might still be a chance that you may find yourself being attracted to men as well after somewhere along the way.

 

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Apple42

Hiya, sorry, this turned into a long one :)

 

I randomly came across the term asexual today and the resulting web clicking bought me here. I’ve read lots of the posts and articles but I’m still feeling confused so hoping you can help...

 

I haven’t had sex for over 4 years (I’ve actually lost track so I’m basing that on the age of my dog lol). I wouldn’t be particularly fussed if I didn’t have it again, other than a deeply ingrained sense that I ‘should’ have sex or be with someone to be happy. I’ve had lots of one night stands in the past but most of them haven’t been very enjoyable. It’s more like I’m going through the motions and having to pretend that I’m enjoying it. I generally find sex a chore, however I default to sex with a new partner to avoid intimate things like kissing (which is probably why I never progress to an actual relationship!). I find kissing much more intimate than sex and the thought of it makes me feel a bit sick. I’m in my 40’s but there have only been a handful of times where I have been really turned on by sex, the first of which wasn’t until I was in my 30’s. I occasionally watch porn, but I use it as a quick form of release for a few minutes. I do have the capacity to become very turned on in certain circumstances but it’s pretty rare. I’m heterosexual and have only had two long term partners (the rest were one or two night stands). The first was at age 19 and he was violent. I split up with the second one 13 years ago and have been single ever since. In my limited experience of relationships, I find that I am very sexually active with a partner for the first few weeks, basically having sex like a rabbit lol, but then I lose interest and sex becomes a chore that I would happily avoid. I don’t miss having sex at all. I sometimes think I would like to have a partner, but the thought of having to have sex past that initial period really puts me off. In fact, the thought of having sex at all puts me off, even though there are times when I have actually enjoyed it. I am sometimes attracted to men and I often appreciate when a man is good looking without actually being attracted to them. 

 

I don’t know how much of this is due to my experiences in life and how much is due (if any) to some form of asexualism. I’ve read the descriptions of A and Grey etc and I can see myself in both. I know you can’t tell me what you think I am, but I’d be really grateful for any insight you have to help me make sense of where I am right now.... thanks in advance :)

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roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @Apple42. Have some cake... :cake::D

As a little tip for the future, it's better to create a new thread for your story, instead of hijacking a thread that somebody else created for their story. We do have some threads for collective discussions, but this isn't one of them ;-)

 

On 4/20/2018 at 2:31 AM, Apple42 said:

I wouldn’t be particularly fussed if I didn’t have it again

That sounds pretty much asexual to me. Doing it out of a sense of obligation, or to avoid other kinds of intimacy isn't "attraction".

 

On 4/20/2018 at 2:31 AM, Apple42 said:

I do have the capacity to become very turned on in certain circumstances but it’s pretty rare.

If being turned on implies that you're sexually attracted to another person on those occasions, this sounds graysexual to me.

 

On 4/20/2018 at 2:31 AM, Apple42 said:

I find that I am very sexually active with a partner for the first few weeks, basically having sex like a rabbit lol, but then I lose interest and sex becomes a chore

Is it sexual attraction that makes you active in the beginning? In that case, you might want to read up on "fraysexual", which fits into the gray area.

 

On 4/20/2018 at 2:31 AM, Apple42 said:

I would like to have a partner, but the thought of having to have sex past that initial period really puts me off.

Partners come in many flavors. If you generally don't enjoy having sex, then doing it in the beginning of the relationship anyway gives your partner a wrong impression of yourself. You're putting on a show. And instead of finding partners who like you the way you actually are, you'll find partners who like the show, and for whom you might have to keep up the show. Doesn't sound very promising to me.

 

How about taking things slowly instead? Be who you are, and find someone who likes you the way you are? Might take longer, but will also last longer, once you found someone :D:cake:

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blacknbrown
On 4/9/2018 at 6:44 AM, PhoenixSoulstice said:

Hey love! I just want to thank you for this post. Everything you have written here is my normal and I always felt weird or out of place for that. My sex drive only gets high like once a month and when I want it, I will satisfy it or self resolve without touch. But the that’s the tricky part about my life and this type of sexual identity. Your arousal can be high, but your sex drive is low, random peaks may occur but the idea of sex is more satisfying than the act because the connection is what “gets you off”. I don’t dread sex but there is little interest. If i have no connection with the person, i wont be satisfied. I actually hate sex past 10 minutes unless i have a love for the person. One night stands make you feel shameful and feel unnatural. Everything you have described is exactly what iv’e gone through. Having sex won’t make you “normal”. You are living your normal. The peaks are okay. The low drive is okay. As a person on the same exact wave as you I personally identify as A Demi-Bisexual mainly Gay Bi-Romantic Androgynous Cisgender female. Demisexual because I discovered I get turned on by my connections more than sexual interactions and my sex drive is slim to none with random peaks but sex isn’t that important to me in a relationship. It’s a way to express the intensity of my connection. Bisexual because the slight sexual side i do have in the gray-A(Demi) community, doesn’t see gender out the gate. I am sexually able to connect with both as long as I have a strong connection. Mainly Gay because my ratio is 90/10 and i don’t identify with the word lesbian. Bi romantic because I connect with both male and females in romantic ways but i know my ratio meaning i connect with women more and easier. Androgynous in my gender expression because my masculine and feminine are 50/50. I dress for comfort. I will wear a sexy dress and the next day wear a men’s 3 piece suit with dress shoes and a tie. Nevertheless I was born and identify as female. I know that’s a lot but hopefully you don’t feel weird, alone, or awkward for your normal. Sexuality is fluid and should be explored. In all honesty you can identify as Gray-Bisexual or Gray-Homosexual. It’s your choice to label or not. To me you sound Gray for sure due to the decreased sex drive but with peaks. The dread or lack of interest doesn’t sound gender exclusive. You definitely sound Bi-romantic because you connect with both. Until you know if you are homosexual or not but would still like a label, simply say Gray-Ace Bi-Romantic. Once you search through your sexual being then label more in depth. I wish you the best love!

Hello I am so sorry I'm responding to this so late, but I just want to say thank you so much for this response! It's nice reading someone who has a similar experience. Honestly the more I read about human attraction/asexual experiences the more and more I do feel identified somewhere on the ace spectrum (I think gray). I just went through one of those peaks where I "satisfied" it being involved with someone but honestly it wasn't even that satisfying and now I have very little interest in sex and see myself staying this way for a good while. Then I reflect on those past relationships, and I reallly do think those differences in interest in sex (especially with the girl) rendered us incompatible. At those times I tried to brush it off as not a huge but deep down it did make me feel uncomfortable and I don't think I would be able to deal with that in the long term.  Sorry, I'm kind of just rambling haha. I just appreciate this forum so much because y'all understand! I don't really know anyone in real life who understands. The other day I was talking to my friend about my experiences with sex in relationships, explaining asexuality and all that and she responded with "well maybe you lost attraction to them"..kind of missing the point. Anyway, ramble over. It is just very affirming just writing on this forum. Thanks to all for reading this. 

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alwaysbookishbecca

Hi, I'm new on here, but just wanted to say how important this post is for me. I've always thought I wasn't ace at all, just wanted to wait until I found someone I wanted to have sex with, but since being in my first long term relationship I think differently.

 

I don't really understand sexual attraction and am not sure I've felt it before. I do enjoy touch and pre-sex stuff, but when it gets down to it the actual act is not particularly good or if anything, it's boring.

 

Reading this post made me feel less alone and understood, and thank you so much for that. It means the world to me. 

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