Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

therealme09

Any more advice?

Recommended Posts

therealme09

Could anybody else offer advice on my first posting: question of asexuality or gay? Only 2 people have responded and I'm still very confused. Any bit of knowledge would be gratefully appreciated. Thanks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
zyralm

.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Jartan

Well, the best I can do for you is compare him to me. I hope it helps a bit.

I'm 23, and I do have one friend in your age bracket who I'm quite flirty with. Not nearly as far as you two have gone, just playful one-off kisses, hugs, back rubs, that sort of thing. About as far as I'd go with a girl my own age to be honest. I never had a girlfriend through school, stating that it was too much bother, when really I just didn't care about sex and my intimacy needs were being met, so there was really no reason to. Many of my friends do think that I'm gay, but I know I'm not since I am attracted to women.

When I was 21 I had a sexual relationship with a girl near my age who I'd known for a long time and loved very much. Despite that, it barely lasted any time at all, because of my lack of interest in sex. Whilst I genuinely enjoyed cuddling, necking, kissing or anything else, I very quickly got bored if it went on for more than a few minutes. She was insatiable, and would want me to do it every time she could get close to me. That was just totally overpowering, and confusing for me.

We did have sex, initiated by her as nearly everything was, and it was hard work. Whilst I've never pulled away in fear from a sexual act the entire thing does bore me, no matter how much I care for the person. Physically 'keeping it up' required concentration, and I found condoms to be the greatest thing on earth, because I could fake an orgasm with one when needed.

But equally I genuinely wanted her to be happy, and really enjoyed making her happy. I just couldn't keep up with how happy she wanted me to make her, and I usually wasn't 'in the mood'. Also my desire to make her happy (it was the only thing I was getting out of the whole act) probably led to me being 'unnatural' as you would describe it. Also therefore getting pleasure from a woman (having her 'go down' on me) without giving her something in return would do absolutely nothing for me. I'd probably have a similar reaction to him since the thought does squick me out a bit.

The main difference between us is that I've never been afraid of sexual acts. I just get bored by them and don't see the need for them. He could easily be asexual, or there could be issues which are scaring him. He could just be confused.

Anyway, if you haven't already maybe you could hint to him that some people just aren't interested in sex with either gender? I know that before I found AVEN the concept was just completely beyond my thought, even though it is exactly who I am. Even when I discovered asexuality, I initially thought it didn't fit me at all. Now it's irritating that I couldn't see something so obvious before, as I could have handled a lot of relationships a lot better, and saved some heartache for some girls I truly care about.

I hope you figure something out. I think you're trying hard to make sense of it all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
therealme09

Thank you so much, Jartan. Indeed you do sound very much like him!

I am grateful for your thoughtful insight and taking the time to reply.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
therealme09
Link to first post: http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewt...ghlight=#463364

First up I'll agree with... delacoconut (did I miss something? :P) that it sounds like he could be asexual, but I'd say his insecurities should be more of a concern, in terms of making him feel comfortable with himself. You didn't mention whether or not he'd heard about asexuality before, but either way directing him to AVEN couldn't hurt.

Zrylam

PS: post gets a bit graphic towards the end, just a heads up :wink:

Thanks very much, Zrylam! No, he's not heard about asexuality, but a few days ago I brought it up gingerly and said AVEN might help him relate and that he could see there are thousands of people like him. I will actually e-mail him the AVEN link soon. He's naturally curious, so I think he'll check it out although he's uncomfortable discussing the whole thing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sonofzeal

I sincerely apologize for missing your previous post - I try to stay on top of this particular board and respond to everyone who needs help, but there were a few days in a row that I wasn't on at all.

As to your posts - his sudden loss of erections and strange behaviour seems to point less to asexuality (although that could be part of it) and more to something else. Secifically, I would be willing to bet money that he is autistic, and that he has a rather more severe version of it than many of the aspies on this forum (aspie = short form for Asperger's Syndrom, a mild form of autism).

Many autisistic people can be highly tough-phobic, and while their sexual organs function properly, psychologically they can have a hard time dealing with any touch, let alone intimate touch, and that would cause exactly what you described.

Does he present other autistic characteristics? Check this link and tell us if it sounds right. Keep in mind though that you can't use that to make a final judgement, merely to see if it's a possibility. If it does seem to fit, you could encourage him to get it checked out if he hasn't already.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
zyralm

.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...