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New here, would like some advice.


alleap

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Hello, new here!

 

I'm a  guy with a fairly high sex drive & want some relationship advice please! I hope I'm in the right place.

 

I'm a 39 year old male & am currently in a relationship with a 39 year old female.  We are close to have been in a monogamous committed relationship for 1 year, with both of us indicating we want to make it a long term thing.  We live a couple hours drive away from each other in different towns, so the relationship is sort of long distance, and both have a kid each around 6 yrs old & due to our busy lives we only get to see each other every odd weekend.   The beginning of the relationship was a whirlwind, we really fell for each other and things were really physical, when we finally found time alone together we would have sex for around 2 hours sometimes and it was undeniably fun and satisfying for both of us.   We spoke alot on the phone & it was mutually quite a head over heels time.   As i got to know her more & learned about her past relationships & life, she explained to me that she was a little surprised at the sexual feelings she had for me, as she had spent along time not really feeling sexual at all.  She hadnt masturbated in over a year before me & the couple times she had sex with guys she briefly dated in the last year,  she didnt enjoy it much at all.  Going earlier in her her life all of her relationships involved sex,  but it was just not something she really enjoyed much & it always fizzled out for her after a few months.  But...she ASSURED me that she was really into what we were doing,  it was kinky at times & i could tell from her bodily sexual responses, that she was super turned on and enjoying it,  For her, orgasms happened and she liked them, sometimes it took quite a bit of effort & sometimes they didnt happen all..but that was all fairly normal from my perspective due to experience from previous relationships i had been in.  Suffice to say,  i was so stoked with our sex life, it was wonderful.     SO that leads me to now...and something has happened!  :o  i noticed over the last couple months,  that her sexual attraction to me seemed to start to wane, she wasnt sexting anymore, she wasnt talking about it on the phone, the video skyping type stuff stopped &  it just seemed like she was going of me,  I was devastated & a bunch of times brought the issue up with her & she always found some excuse for why she wasnt in the mood & they always seemed flakey to me.  I worried she was cheating,  but im almost 100% thats just not her,  i was worried she had just gone of me, i just didnt know why she seemed to lose interest in me in that way.  2 Weeks ago,  i initiated sex with her & she was obviously was just not into it & kinda joking at my awkward attemps to get things going. It had always seemed so natural before & now it just felt hard (no pun intended).   We got finally got naked & she made me feel good & i went to make her feel good (before actual sex) and noticed she wasnt turned on...down there)   she indicated she wanted to continue however & then pushed me to climax in only 10 minutes & when i asked why she didnt want to orgasm herself, just said she didnt feel like it.   I knew in my gut something was up...i stewed over it & the last 2 weeks have pretty upsetting for me.  So 3 days ago,  i went to see her & when we had time alone, i just straight out asked her something along the lines of "It's very obvious you are not attracted to me any more,  what has happened? im feeling so very upset about this...etc etc.  "      She didnt deny it, in fact this time she agreed and then explained that she felt she had gone back to her default 'not interested in sex with ANYONE'  mode. In her mind,  it was hormones which explained the initial flurry of sexual activity and that that had now subsided 100% for her....like NO sexualy feelings. So this is where it gets confusing and hard for me.  She also informed me that she loves me very much, and wants to stay in a committed relationship with me, that she likes kissing and cuddling,  but that any sexual feeling have just gone for not just me, but for ANYONE.   I havnt actually asked her, but she does not seem willing to compromise and i think she feels its kinda gross and wrong to just 'do it' to please me.  I havnt actually asked her if she would just pleasure me, or do it...just to satisfy me.  But in all honesty,  it just all seems weird?   I like it when a girl is into it & has that 'i wanna eat you alive'  look in her eyes.   (which she used to have)   Soooooo,  do i still love her?   YES,  do i  still want to be with her?  YES,  do i know how this is going to work?   I HAVE NO IDEA!   That night 3 days when we had the big chat about her new loss of sex drive,  we cuddled on the couch for over an hour...Im not lying,  i got blue blues , because im really attracted to her & its like my body craved to have sex with her,  I didnt say anything & then quietly dealt to myself later to stop the achey pain. (yes blue balls is a real thing,  and i get it!  )   She says she wonders if something is wrong with her,  she mentioned the word A-Sexual, but i dont think she really knew what it meant,  and i had never heard of it,  but since then i have researched asexualty and stumbled upon this website. 

I have so many questions & am at a loss!

 

Is she asexual?   

 

Is there something wrong with her hormones? 

 

Is she just kidding herself and has lost interest in me?

 

Will her sexual feelings come back maybe?

 

Am i crazy for wanting to stay with her?   I have spent A LONG time finding someone i really wanted to be with long term & i really thought she was it. I really do love her.

 

Is a sexless relationship possible for someone like me who has an undeniably high sex drive?   How?

 

Sorry for the rant style of this post,  im not the best with writing or words,  but i hope if you read this far, you got a grasp of my situation.

 

Any advice appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

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Celyn: The Lutening

Hey alleap, well done for finding AVEN! You taking that step to try and understand her shows what an AWESOME boyfriend you are. My advice would be to show her this site as well, maybe poke around AVEN a bit together and see if you can find any ideas, or just understanding from couples in a situation like yours (there's more than a few out there).

If she is on the ace spectrum, she is not going off you. Trust her when she says she still wants to be with you (I know that's harder than it sounds). She's probably all "sexed out", if she's demisexual (which it sounds like), her desire for sex will probably still be less than most sexual people's.

For actual advice, IDK? It sounds like you'd both have to compromise a little, but that's how relationships work.

Just feel flattered that you got a less-than-100% sexual person going! That's something to be proud of.

Best of luck to you both, I really hope and believe that you can overcome this little hiccup together :)

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My relationship with my ace initially had pretty happening sex. Particularly if his visits were short (we were long distance too). For longer visits, after the first day, he lost interest, but explained it away as a low libido, soreness, needing time before being ready again.... Fine enough. As the relationship progressed, the sex decreased till we often had him visiting once a month and still not have any sex at all. He explained that as work stress. 

 

Last December, he finally moved in with me. The sex tanked. For the first two weeks of him being there, we were together 24/7 AND NO SEX. And I was wondering what the hell I have got myself into. After that, he seemed to settle and we were back to a few days of pretty good sex. After that, right on the tail of the good sex, he told me he was asexual. This was January. It is now April. The sex is hit or miss at best. We rarely have intercourse. More usually it is him stimulating me - which is how he prefers it. he doesn't like to be touched.

 

I asked him to explain what all the hot sex and experimentation and what not meant, if he was ace. The best he could explain it was that he had a libido and that a mental image could arouse him. So he thinks that initially it was about finally experiencing sex for the first time in his life (he was in his mid 30s!), then there still was that concept of being in a relationship and going to meet girlfriend where hot sex would happen, etc. That horniness usually was associated more with arrival, so the longer he stayed, the less interested he was. Finally, when we were living in, he didn't have a "mental script" for that situation as one suitable for sex at all. So the sex tanked. Then it worked for a while when he sort of thought about being in a live in relationship finally, but it wasn't sustainable and he could no longer avoid seeing the writing on the wall - that for him sex was not really about feeling attracted to me at all, but more like finding mental imagery or situations erotic - the way porn works rather than the way a partner works. He is able to enjoy the physical sensations of sex, but he doesn't really see them as relevant to what he feels for me. And usually he doesn't want them at all, other than the rare occasions he feels horny.

 

Currently we are wading through some very erratic responses on both our parts. On his end, he is very certain he wants a sexual relationship between us anyway (I offered a platonic one), because he wants to be in my intimate zone and he knows that includes sex for me. This basically means that he will stimulate me with his hands and his penis will not be involved except on rare occasions. I swing wildly between him stimulating me being enough for me and being completely disgusted about feeling "serviced" with sex like I'm broke or something without it when he doesn't feel attraction.

 

But both of us want this relationship to work no matter what, so we aren't going to stop trying.

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She sounds demi-sexual to me, if you look around the website, there are several forums which discuss demi and grey aseuxality. There is also a specific secition for sexuals who are in relationships with aces. Demi-sexuals have an initial attraction to someone at the beginning of a relationship which then fades, even when they have fallen in love with the person. As for not wanting to have sex with smeone who is only doing it to please you (and finding that weird), well many of my sexual friends who are married frequently only have sex to satisfy their partner and tell me they'd rather be asleep. They talk about faking interest a well as orgasms, so that's not just an ace thing. Of course they're sexual, so they do want and feel like sex much more frequently, but many people gain satisfaction and a sense of bonding with their partner by doing something for them which is pleasurable to them. That in itself is an act of showing love and care for your partner. We all make compromises, and doing something for your partner which your not interested in is one of the ways people show love and support in relationships. I'm glad you're here looking for a way to make it work. Take your time too, it can take a while to work it all out.

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1 minute ago, Amber79 said:

Demi-sexuals have an initial attraction to someone at the beginning of a relationship which then fades, even when they have fallen in love with the person.

It sounds more fraysexual. Demi-sexuals rarely feel attraction without an emotional bond. But after they are attracted, they can be very interested - in that person only - sexually.

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Celyn: The Lutening

@anamikanon Yeah, that's right. I think that the more a demisexual is around their beloved, the deeper they fall in love with them; the more sex they want. Sexual attraction is directly proportional to romantic attraction. So Amber kind of had it a bit backwards.

That's just one demi's take on it, anyway.

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Thanks for all your well thought out and reasoned responses, it has helped & I really appreciate it :)

 

I am feeling a little better about the situation already. I had been feeling stressed about it all, but so has she (she told me she has) so i think just putting everything on the back burner for a bit, is wise,  I wont even bring it up at all for a month or so.     I did send a text to her  yesterday saying something along the lines of    "  Heya,   just wondering are you happy with how we left things on Thursday eve after our big chat?  SOme pretty potent emotional stuff has come up for us lately and I thought you might want to talk abit more about things?  I havnt wanted to bother you about it, but i can't help but wonder if you have been thinking about us & how you feel about it all?  I sent that large message explaining my fears and concerns on sat night and i have been feeling pretty up & down about things,  but am trying to foster positivity and keep my thoughts and mind in a healthy place."     She responded with    "Yes,  I have been thinking about things.  I'm not really sure what I think about  it all, so I am just trying to take it easy and trying to not other think things.  I want to see how things go. I enjoyed our time together yesterday. It was nice to have a relaxed and happy time with you.  It was nice to start to feel like you and I are heading back to a happy place."

 

Soooo,  For the meantime,  I am going to try to not otherthink it as she is & just focus on the romantic and emotional connection between us.  I dont want  the 'lack of sex thing' to become a thing,    I can just deal to myself for awhile ;)    if our relationship and emotional connection is healthy and happy then perhaps the attraction might return somewhat for her, which i would REALLY like.  I will try initiate sex with her, when the time is right and she how she responds.  If she shuts me down,  Ill just kindly, respond to her in a loving way & not make a deal of it & suggest we do something else.   If it is very clear that any attraction has totally disappeared for her after a few months.  Well then I may bring up the idea of some sort of compromise she might be willing to experiment with & direct her to this site to show her that couples in our situation can make it work with a bit of give and take.

 

Thanks again!

 

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Mary Lambert

It only gets worse. Seriously, you may not be a match. Why can't she be your best friend and then get a girl friend who is cool, with you having a BBF that's a chick? I love my husband more than anything, but really did not sign up for that part of the deal. It is such a bonding part of a relationship missed. But I get it, it is so hard to find that right person and it sounds like you have been looking for a long time. Ask her how she feels about sister wives. :)

 

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