I'm thinking of identifying as non-binary

[ashpenaz]

I'm in my late 50s, and I've always thought of myself as masculine. However, it's clear that I don't express my masculinity in traditional ways, and I never have. I have no interest in sports; fishing baffles me; I don't understand cars; I'm not attracted to women (or men, because I'm, you know, asexual). I'm introverted. I like music, writing, community theatre, church choir, cooking, gardening, cats, and--omigod, I am SO non-binary. I look at the men around me, and they seem to have such a different set of priorities. People have always thought I was gay, but, for me, gay is a binary term. I wish I'd known about asexuality when I was growing up so I could tell people I wasn't interested in sex. Now, I wonder if adding "non-binary" to my list of identifiers would help. It's a way of saying I never felt part of the cis-masculine world. I guess I could go with "genderqueer" but my life is pretty sedate and normal, and that word seems more political than "non-binary." I also like "gender-nonconforming" but "non-binary" is shorter and easier to say. I'm wondering if other people have found "non-binary" helpful to include with their asexuality.

[Spotastic]

@ashpenaz My wife identifies as gender queer. She feels the same way as you only from the opposite biological sex point of view. She is also very open and vocal in the queer community (she's also pansexual), so just going with non-binary sounds like a perfectly reasonable choice. It's your body so you decide what label fits you best.

[Knight of Cydonia]

To preface, with this post I'm not telling you how to identify, I just want to make a few comments. Feel free to how identify however you like.

 

I feel that pretty much every person doesn't fit stereotypical ideas of gender. Why should not liking fishing, or sports, or cars make you less of a man? Same with enjoying hobbies and having interests that are "atypical" of being a "man". Think of one of the original points of feminism - that it was okay if you were a woman and wanted to become an engineer, it was okay if you were a man and wanted to be a school teacher. You are not defined by what your gender's stereotypes are, and we should stop seeing men and women as people that fit into a very specific mold that society expects them to fit. I think it's a powerful message! But by having a reductive view of gender where if you do happen to enjoy things outside of outdated stereotypes then you are somehow not "man" enough and must be something else, that kind of misses the point.

[lilgroundhog]

So I'm in my early 30s and wrestling somewhat with the same questions.  I do have some traditions feminine interests, but most of my interests are nerdy and boyish (though I do agree with spectator sports not being worth my time).  I also absolutely hate being singled out because "I'm a woman".  At the same time, based on my understanding, I don't have the dysphoria that I'm not female.  I think I've concluded I just don't fit the stereotypes and identify as human and a person long before I id as female, or even ace.

[Spotastic]

My wife also has some body dysphoria.  She hates being called a lady or girl but is just fine with woman or female. She's never really felt like a woman or a man. 

 

I personally break a lot of stereotypes for guys, but I am very much a cis male. I don't care about sports or cars and I like things like My Little Pony and RuPaul's Drag Race. I am a former Marine, but I would much rather read a book or play a game than be out doing physical activity. Even my job in the military was more academic as I fixed radar on jets. I never really fit in with what the other guys I worked with were talking about for many reasons. I'm still a guy, though.

[ashpenaz]

I wonder if I have body dysphoria. I know my body isn't shaped liked what men's bodies are supposed to be shaped like. I'm fat and soft--I've never been able to build any hard muscle, even when I'm working out. My muscles always stay soft and poorly defined. I have man-breasts--which I inherited from my father. I've often considered plastic surgery to get rid of them. I have a high voice and an odd accent which people say sounds gay. I don't have a chin. My facial hair is patchy. There's nothing about my body which defines me as male. I sometimes hate going out in public because I feel like the Elephant Man, like people are going to crowd around me, and I'll start screaming, "I am not an animal! I am a human being!"

 

I might feel masculine, but I don't present as masculine, so what's the point of identifying as male? Society has basically decided that I look and act non-binary, so why not just give in and identify myself that way?

[Glass]

@Knight of Cydonia nailed it, in my opinion.

 

I have recently had the realization that it might be important for me to be seen as a man, even as a model of masculinity, in particular because it's not "typical" masculinity. When I was younger, I think it would have been so beneficial to see someone like who I am now, who says, "This is how I am a man. This is how I embrace my masculinity. This is how I don't ignore the fact that we all have femininity." Yes, I am aesthetically attracted to men. No, in general I don't like sports, but I enjoy physical activity in the forms or swimming and dance. Yes, I'm introverted and am not interested in sex. But I'm a man. I am masculine. To any young men out there, cis or trans: you get to decide what being a man is to you. You get to decide how to express your masculinity. If someone says you're not a man or that you're not masculine, they're wrong.

 

Of course, this is how I feel about myself. Perhaps non-binary is right for you- you're the only one who can answer that question. In the end, I think people need to be able to choose their own labels/descriptors. However, I will say the reason I don't care for the term "gender-noncomforming" is that it implies that there's something to conform to. I think we need to break that mindset- you know how many different ways there are to be a man? As many as men that exist.

 

(This obviously goes for women, non-binary, any other gender as well. I'm only speaking about maleness/masculinity because that's what I can be a model of.)

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Fair play to everyone describing as non- binary, probably there's already a body of research saying that gender identity is a spectrum, just like sexuality, not that I've looked at any research in that area. Here, I don't feel like I'm a woman or a man, just a person, so I get a bit crept out when I;m described as a 'lady'...I usually say 'Oh, I'm no lady...' and make a joke of it. When you sound like Billy Connolly and have a similar sense of humour...well...

[Rupa]

On 4/2/2018 at 4:38 PM, ashpenaz said:

Society has basically decided that I look and act non-binary, so why not just give in and identify myself that way?

Because you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, you know who you are, so do we and we respect you wherever you fit and whoever you are, and that is plenty. Screw society, it’s broken in more ways than one! 

 

[ashpenaz]

I just went to Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again for the second (and probably not the last) time--and yet, I still identify as male. Well, leaning-masculine!

[cavalier080854]

Why bother, you be you